How I Got Here (13 page)

Over the next few days I developed a mantra that I would repeat to myself.
Don’t eat that, don’t eat that, don’t eat that either,
I remember pacing up and down over and over again, whispering the words over and over, whenever I felt like I needed to eat something, it was like I was testing myself, testing if I could have the will power to stay away from food, it was stupid.

Whenever I felt like I really couldn’t go without f
ood any longer, I would grab an apple or a carrot, something small and healthy with only a few calories, it was my new goal to eat just enough, enough to keep me going, enough to stop me from collapsing, enough to trick myself into believing I was in control. I wasn’t though was I? I didn’t have one little bit of control over myself.

I feel stupid wondering this, but as I was writing the above just now, I couldn’t help but wonder, are you proud of me? That I can now admit that I wasn’t in control back then, are you proud that I can admit that I was so stupid doing what I was doing, and that I really do want to work on getting better. I’m still not entirely sure if I understand why, but I really want to make you proud of me. I guess it’s something that most people want, someone to be proud of them, for me it’s you, because you matter, what you think of me matters.

Is that weird? It’s probably weird right? I’m sorry if it’s weird for you to read that, please tell me if it’s too weird, or if I’m crossing some line or something.

Still I can’t take it back now, or at least I could technically take it back
, because it’s a letter, paper and ink, I could scribble out that part, I could tear this up and write it fresh, take out all the stuff that makes me look foolish. Here’s the thing though, I’ve never done that in any of my letters to you. I know you probably think that I would have rewritten some of these letters, struggled over what to tell you and what to hold back, debated over the wording of my story, leaving it for a few days to consider every part of it, then going back over it with a scrutinizing eye, but I don’t.

I want to make sure that you know how I write these, because I feel like it’s important. I haven’t even struggled over what to tell you, I write these letters in one sitting, always, I’ve never taken time out to rethink any of it. I don’t
struggle about what to write, somehow I just know exactly what to put down on the paper, and I don’t ever worry about you judging me, because I know that you wouldn’t ever do that. What I tell is always the whole story, and I have never taken any of it back, I have never wanted to rewrite any section of these letters. I don’t ever feel like I have to, because I know that I can trust you with the truth. I like feeling like I can be completely honest with you. I want you to know me; I want you to understand me.

I guess what I’m saying, what I’ve been trying to say for a while, but haven’
t been able to say out loud, I think it’s easier to write it down, so here it is.

I want your help.

Chapter Twelve

Session 6

Oliver is
feeling incredibly anxious as he walks the busy halls, with River’s treasured notebook in one hand, and his niece happily holding onto his other hand. He wasn’t sure how River was going to react to him bringing Tiff with him, because he hadn’t been able to check with her first, and now that left him worrying that River would start panicking, as she so often did around new people. The only thing that was keeping him from worrying too much was the fact that Tiff was just a kid, so there was a chance that River would be ok around her. Still there was a niggling worry he couldn’t shift.

‘Tiff, just remember that she’s not very well ok, so don’t be too – overactive ok?’
He looks down at his niece, who is contentedly ignoring him as she swings the present she’d made for River in her hand.

Through his nerves Oliver smiles down at Tiff, he can’t help but smile as she continues to ignore him. They round the corner and he pauses just briefly, before opening the door and entering River’s room, holding his breath slightly.

River is up out of her bed and pacing the floor, his heart plunges, she’s already feeling anxious about something. Another quick scan of the situation, and he can see the letter she is clutching in her hand. At first his only emotion is shock, he hadn’t expected another letter yet, he’d only received one the day before, and he hadn’t ever been given two in a row before. The shock quickly fades as she turns around, her pale face looking concerned and her hands shaking a bit.

‘I need you to read this; I think well it explains a lot.’ River hands him the letter, and it’s only then that she notices T
iff. ‘Who’s this?’ River takes a small step backwards, her eyes going between Oliver and the little girl.

‘I’m Tiffany but everyone calls me Tiff, Oliver is my silly uncle.’

‘Your silly uncle, what makes him silly?’ River forces the words out, but she takes another small step back.

‘Well my uncle Tim doesn’t like to play games with me, he doesn’t like to dress up or anything fun like that, but Uncle Oliver does, he even wears my butterfly wings, they’re pink
and
have glitter.’

‘Wow, that’s cute.’ River smiles slightly at Oliver, who is look
ing embarrassed, shaking his head slowly, ‘Oliver can I talk to you?’

‘Yeah,’ He nods. ‘Tiff we’ll just be in the hall ok, wait here.’

‘Ok Uncle Oliver.’ Tiff twirls around then scrambles up onto the bed, as River and Oliver step out into the hall; they stop just outside the door, River folding her arms over her chest.

‘Look I’m sorry about bringing her; my sister didn’t have anyone to watch her.’ Oliver whispers, not wanting to be overheard by anyone.

‘Why didn’t you tell me she was coming, you should have warned me – I don’t like being surprised by visitors, I thought it was just you coming.’ River matches his whispered tone, but hers isn’t as soft as his was, her emotions play out in hushed tones.

‘I know I should have told you, I just didn’t get a chance.’ He puts his hand on her arm, but she shakes him off.

‘Don’t lie to me!’ She’s still whispering but louder now, angrier. Her eyes flash with anger.

‘I’m not.’

‘Yes you are, you have my phone number, you text me every night, how much effort would it have taken to tell me, none that’s how much.’ She shakes her head, her eyes shining with tears, ‘You could have told the truth but you chose not to, and then you stand there and lie to me about why you didn’t tell me.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I thought that you were the one person I could trust.’

‘I am, River please you can trust me. I should have told you, I know that now.’

‘Then why didn’t you.’ She demands, staring at him.

‘Because – because I was scared you’d say you’d rather we didn’t come, that I should just take Tiff out for the day, or stay at home. I wanted to see you, and I thought that if I told you she was coming, you wouldn’t want us to come.’ Oliver holds her gaze, ‘It was stupid. I don’t blame you for being angry.’

‘It wasn’t your choice, if I didn’t want you bringing your niece here, you should have respected that, but you didn’t even give me the chance to tell you what I thought. For the record I wouldn’t have told you to stay away.’ She shakes her head, rolling her eyes at him, and then tearfully speaks again, ‘I have issues but I’m not scared of children.’

‘I’m sorry.’ He closes his eyes briefly, ‘Do you want us to leave?’ His eyes open and meet hers; a flicker of worry crosses her face, but it’s gone as quickly as it came, leaving only her anger.

‘No, you’re here now.’ She breaths out steadily, ‘and I don’t want her to think I’m angry at her.’

‘Do you forgive me then?’ He looks at her hopefully, a playful smile creeping onto his face, hoping to lighten the mood.

‘I’m not that easy to earn forgiveness from, you can’t just lie to me like that, I’ve never lied to you, and I’ve never kept anything from you.’

‘Oh so I suppose I know everything about you, there isn’t anything I don’t know, so this letter is blank is it?’ It was the wrong thing to say, he knows it’s the wrong thing to say, but it slipped out, he’d apologized several times and she wouldn’t let it go, he thought she was overreacting, even though he knows he’s in the wrong. As soon as the words are out he regrets them, because he’s supposed to be the professional, he’s supposed to understand that she can’t handle being lied to, he’s supposed to treat her with patience and compassion, but the lines are blurred, he can’t just see her as a patient, and it’s easy to let out what he’s really thinking
, even when he knows he should hold back, she’s too easy to talk to.

‘You’re such a jerk.’ She snatches the letter from his hand and storms into her room.

‘Oh good you’re back, look I made you this, to cheer you up because you’re in here. I had to go to the hospital once, I broke my arm and they made me stay in, I didn’t like it because it made me sad, so I made you this.’ Tiff hands over a photo album, decorated with pink and purple glitter. ‘I put pictures in and everything, but there’s space for your pictures too.’

‘Thank you, it’s beautiful.’ River smiles at her, ‘How about we go up to the roof and I’ll look at it.’

‘The roof, can we go up to the roof? I tried to climb up to the roof of my house at home, but my mom said it wasn’t safe.’

‘This is different; it’s a flat roof with railings, like a roof garden just without any plants, or grass.
It’s where your uncle and I go to hang out.’ River replies moving over and taking Tiff’s hand, ‘I’ll show you, and you can tell me more about those glittery wings.’

‘You know they really weren’t that glittery.’ Oliver calls after them, but River doesn’t look back at him, she just walks off leaving him to trail slowly behind.

When they reach the roof River picks up Tiff, holding her carefully in her arms to show her the view, while Oliver sits down and tries to think of how to make River forgive him. After a while the two girls come over and sit down, River letting Tiff sit on her lap while they look through the photo album, which contains photos of Oliver dressed up playing with Tiff, pictures of Tiff on her own or with various other people, who she would point out and tell River who they were, pushing a finger down on each new face.

‘Hey,’ Tiff looks up after a while of sitting quietly, ‘wasn’t that letter meant to be for Oliver?’

‘It was, but now he doesn’t get it.’ River replies.

‘Why? Did he do something bad?’ Tiff giggles, ‘My mom takes things away from him when she’s mad at him, are you mad at him?’

‘Yeah I am a little mad at him.’

‘Is that why you’re not talking to him?’ Tiff asks knowingly.

‘Yeah, see sometimes when a guy upsets a girl; she needs to just freeze him out for a while.’ River smiles at Tiff and then stares over at Oliver; he shakes his head in response.

‘And sometimes girls can completely overreact, and even when the guy says sorry, she won’t let it drop.’ He replies.

‘Because sometimes she’s not ready to let it go, because sometimes she thinks he deserves to wait.’

‘But another thing you should know Tiff, is that freezing people out when you’re mad, is immature.’

‘But it sure is effective.’ River smiles sweetly, ending the conversation as she turns away.

‘I think you should let him read it, he can’t have been that bad. He loves your letters; he reads them all the time, and he won’t ever let anyone else touch them, he says that they’re private, and he tells my mom off for trying to read them. I see him though, reading them all the time, so he must really like them, and I know he really likes you, because he smiles whenever he talks about you, it makes my mom mad.’

‘Tiff enough.’ Oliver warns lightly, he’s about to say more but he sees the smile on River’s face, one that he can tell she’s trying not to let him see. Silently she hands him the letter.

‘This doesn’t mean I forgive you, and I’m still not talking to you.’ River says defiantly, but he knows that she won’t stay mad for
long; he makes a mental note to take Tiff for ice cream as a thank you.

Oliver didn’t know what to do once he finished the letter, part of him was filled with utter sadness that she’d ever felt that way about herself, that she’d become so lost that she believed she was disgusting. Part of him though felt a swelling of pride, she’d realized that she’d been wrong to stop eating, and she’d realized that she needed help, and the best part were those last four.
I want your help
. He can’t stop staring at those words, even though he knows he may have changed her mind now, by acting the way he had, and making her mad at him. He moves over so that he is sat just an inch away from her, his hand brushes against hers and she looks over at him.

‘You’ve got it.’ He sounds so serious, emotions running through him and making it hard to get the words out, she smiles though and holds Tiff a little tighter, as if suddenly she realizes she has something to hold onto, something real and good. For a brief moment, seeing Tiff she realizes that there is some good left, pure innocence, and that’s something she’d given up on recently, until him, until she realized that she could count on him, and as she realizes this, she comes to the conclusion that she can’t stay mad at him, not for something so small, when he’s done so much for her.