How I Got Here (17 page)

‘How can I just give up on her? I promised her that I would always be there for her. She has been in that hospital since January, it wasn’t until I met her that she started making progress, and so how can I just give up on her?’ Oliver shakes his head.

‘Can you stay on the case, without risking your job? Without someone getting hurt?’ Amanda asks staring straight at him, he hesitates for a moment, before dropping his head.

‘No, I don’t think I can.’

‘Then you have your answer, you need to back off, maybe not forever but at least until things settle down.’

A week slowly slips past and he doesn’t return to the hospital, the letter she gave him remains unopened on his bedside table, with him unable to bring himself to look at it. It’s now late August, the days long and hot, which only add to his discomfort. He’d taken a week off work, but he can’t avoid going in forever, even if he avoids being on her case, he isn’t sure
that he will be able to stop checking up on her.

He’s just got home from a walk when he sees the voicemail on his phone, which he’d left at home to avoid
the voicemail which had been there for four days now, but now he can’t help but wonder, picking up the slim black phone he walks up the step, and behind the screen, sitting down on his unmade bed. He presses play on the message, and holds the phone to his ear, closing his eyes as he hears her voice.

‘Hi it’s me, River. I’ve called a few times but it keeps going to voicemail, I figured I’d try actually leaving a message this time, see if it makes any difference. Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong, was it something in that letter? If you can’t handle what I wrote, then we don’t have to speak about it, but don’t run away please. I think if we’re – if this is done, then I deserve you to tell me in person. I don’t deserve you doing this to me. So just, call. I’m getting worried about you.’

The message ends and he plays it again, hearing the pain in her voice tears him apart, but by the fourth time he plays the message, he realizes that she thinks he’s mad at her, she thinks he can’t deal with her letter. Curiosity gets the best of him; he takes the letter from the bedside table, tears it open and starts to read. By the time he’s finished he feels sick, this letter must have been the hardest for her to write, she needed him to be there for her after she wrote this, to tell her that she was safe now, and he’s just run away without even looking at it, he’s pushed her aside because of his own inability to handle things. She almost died, because of this horrible bully, who had held her under water, and left her there without the help that she needed. Oliver springs up from the bed, grabs his phone and keys and heads out the door.

When he arrives at the hospital, River is on the roof laying on her back, with her eyes closed taking in the sunshine, the book she’d been reading is lying open on her stomach, her hands at her sides. He feels the urge to sit down next to her, take her hand and make sure he’s not dreaming, reassure himself that she’s really there, but he resists and instead clears his throat. The words of her letter tumble around his head, and he can’t stop thinking about how afraid she must have been. When she hears him clear his throat, her eyes fly open and she sits upright, meeting his eyes. A flash of a smile flits across her face, but it vanishes so quickly, he isn’t even convinced it was ever there.

‘Hi.’ He takes a step towards her, she gets to her feet.

‘You remembered your way to the hospital, good for you.’ She speaks as she crosses her hands over her chest, clutching the book closely.

‘I’m sorry; I know I shouldn’t have walked out like that,’

‘You think? You promised me that I could count on you, but you’re just like everyone else, you can’t be bothered with me after a while, so go ahead and make whatever excuse you want, tell me that you can’t do this anymore.’

‘That’s not why I came here; I’m not coming to tell you I’m giving up. I was stupid, I was afraid I was getting too close, and that wouldn’t be good for either of us, I needed time to sort things out.’

‘So you ran away without a word, you don’t return my phone calls or come by the hospital, I ask after you and they tell me you’re on vacation,’ she screams.

‘I didn’t go anywhere; I was still in the city,’

‘It doesn’t make a difference if you were in the
city or in some fishing village in Thailand, what matters is that you weren’t here, and you didn’t even have the guts to tell me. Did you think I wouldn’t understand? Oliver, if you’d come to me and told me you needed time, that you needed some space, I would have respected that, but what you did was cowardly.’

‘I know and I’m really sorry, if I had known,’ he starts but she’s too angry, she cuts him off.

‘Known what?’ She shouts, ‘Go on tell me what apology you have, what’s going to make it better?’

‘If I had known what was in that letter, I never would have stopped coming here, but I only read it today.’

‘Well that makes me feel so much better, if you’d known that I almost died, then you would have taken pity on me, and forced yourself to come in and keep talking to me, even though you don’t want to.’

‘That’s not what I’m saying.’ He shakes his head.

‘It sounds like what you’re saying. I don’t want your pity Oliver, either you want to keep having these sessions, or you don’t. It’s that simple.’

‘No it isn’t, there’s more to it than just what I want
. I have to think about more than just that. I have to be responsible, and mature.’

‘Meaning that I can’t be mature, that being around me is making you immature?’

‘No, meaning that I don’t think I’ve been making the best choices, but I can now. You need me, and I want to help you.’

‘Don’t flatter yourself. I don’t need you.’ Even to her the words don’t sound convincing, and he sees his chance, he steps closer and forces her to look at him.

‘River I am truly sorry for walking out on you like that, I was stupid and I wasn’t thoughtful, and I have no excuse. I should have stayed and dealt with my own issues, and I can now, anything that was going on before, I can deal with it now, it’s not an issue.’ He’ll gladly push away his feelings, if it means he can be there for her, because she needs him, and he won’t ever forget that again. ‘Can you forgive me?’

‘You can’t just disappear for a week, and then expect me to forgive you right away.’ She shakes her head, her eyes full of tears and her resolve weakening.

‘I’m so sorry, I won’t ever do it again I promise.’ He risks a teasing smile, ‘Didn’t you miss me, even a little bit?’

‘Well maybe but only a little.’ She tries to keep the smile from her face, but she finds it hard to stay mad at him, when he’s so clearly sorry for what he did, and she’s been mad at him for a week now, it feels like all her energy for anger has gone. All she needed to do was start yelling at him for a while.

‘So you forgive me?’ He smiles again.

‘You’re impossible.’ She drops her arms to her side.

‘Is that a yes?’

‘Yes I forgive you.’ She shakes her head, ‘But if you ever do something like this again, I won’t be so forgiving.’

‘Understood, I’ll play nice I promise.’ He lets out a sigh of relief, he wants to hug her, but if this is going to work, he needs to remain at a certain distance, he needs to be friendly and open with her, but he can’t let it go any further than that, which means he can’t keep hugging her, or holding her hand, there have to be some boundaries.

‘Good.’ She nods her head and sits back down.

‘So, do you want to talk about the letter?’

‘Do you mind if we don’t right now? I’ve already had a lot to handle today; can we just talk about something lighter?’

‘Of course,’ He would agree to talk about anything right now, so long as she is willing to keep talking to him.

Oliver arrives home and drops onto the couch, a smile on his face.

‘You look happy, what happened? You’ve been moping around here for a week, and suddenly you’re all smiles.’ Amanda sits down next to him, handing him a cup of coffee.

‘You won’t like it.’ Oliver takes a sip of coffee, leans forward and puts the mug on the coffee table. ‘I went to see River today, I read her letter, and I realized that it doesn’t matter what I feel, she needs me and I’m going to be there for her, I can keep my feelings in check, because at the end of the day, I’m a doctor and it’s my job to help people, River needs my help so I’m going to help her.’

‘Oliver don’t be stupid, you were done with her. I know it’s been tough on you to let it go, but it was for the best.’

‘I don’t think it was, for either of us. I was miserable, and she wasn’t getting the help and support she needs. I realize now that I don’t have to push her away.’

‘Oliver you do have to push her away if you want to keep your job.’

‘She’s more important.’

‘You did not just say that!’ Amanda’s voice rises shrilly, ‘Oliver, try and be reasonable.’

‘I am being reasonable, River needs me and I won’t let her down again, I’m sorry sis but I’ve made up my mind.’

‘You’re making a mistake.’

‘Well I don’t think I am.’ He gets up from the couch, ‘I think I’ll go out and get some take-out to save you cooking, I’ll be back soon.’

The next day, River and Oliver sit together on the roof, River seeming more withdrawn than he’d expected her to be. They’d spoken on the phone the night before, and she’d been happy and talkative, she’d forgiven him for being away for a week, and they were back to a good place, but now she was quiet and something was bothering her. He’d asked her what was wrong, but she’d shrugged it off, so he assumed it was because they were going to talk about her letter.

‘Did you tell anyone what Kim did to you?’ Oliver asks, figuring it’s better to get it out of the way, so she can move on, River closes her eyes for a few seconds, turning the answer over in her head. Then she opens her eyes and turns her head to the side, looking at him.

‘Yeah I did, I told my parents and I told the police, but they couldn’t find enough evidence to convict her of anything.’ River pulls herself into sitting position, hugging her knees to her chest. ‘I used to think that things would have been better, if she’d been punished for what she did, but I’m over that now. She isn’t in my life anymore, she disappeared after that night. I guess she must have been afraid what would happen to her. I found out a while ago that she’s living in France now, working as an actress.’

‘She should face charges for what she did.’ Oliver replies firmly.

‘What good would that do? The outcome would be the same again, no sufficient evidence, it’s a case of me against her, and I was ruled as not being mentally stable enough to give a reliable statement, I mean who are they meant to believe, the charming young actress with the rich parents, or the high school dropout starving herself to death. I’m ok though, I’ve found a way to put it behind me and try and move on. I don’t want to drag it all up again.’

‘Even if it could prevent her hurting someone else, could stop her doing this to someone in the future.’ Oliver insists.

‘How would it do that?’ She shakes her head, ‘Nobody would believe me then, they’re not going to believe me now, so she’d just continue living her perfect life. She’s 18 now, I have to believe that she’s grown up, I know that I have. After what happened to me I don’t think she’ll do it to anyone else, I think she’s seen what her actions can do. I heard she was seeing a therapist in France, perhaps they’ll do her more good than they ever did me.’

‘I don’t know how you can be so calm about this.’ Oliver shakes his head, clenching his fists, but he sees he
r withdrawing again, so he tries to calm himself down.

‘I’ve had time to work on being calm about it, trust me I wasn’t when it first happened. I spent so much time yelling and screaming at people about it, telling them they were wasting their time sending me to a therapist, when they should be getting to the bottom of what she did to me, I spent hours trying to prove it, but over time I realized that I couldn’t keep trying, I needed to move on or it would destroy me. I didn’t have the energy to fight it, and now – now I just want to forget it.’ She closes her eyes and rests her chin on the top of her knees, he looks at her for a moment before she starts talking again, ‘You’re just learning what happened, your anger is fresh and new, but hopefully you’ll learn to let it go as well.’

‘I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to let this go, I don’t take well to people hurting the people I care about.’ Oliver replies but decides to push the subject to one side for a moment, because even though she’s talking about it, and answering his questions, she isn’t all there, she’s holding something back, so he moves on hoping it’ll bring her out a little more. ‘So how long were you in therapy for?’

‘Until January this year, I attended every week like clockwork, but eventually she called my parents and told them I wasn’t talking, that she didn’t see any benefit to carrying on with the sessions, if I didn’t plan on taking them seriously. I was so relieved but then my parents admitted me to this hospital at the end of January. I thought I’d be out in a week or so, but then I learnt that this place was a private hospital, and my parents were paying for long term care, until I returned to a healthy weight, I’ve been here since.’ River lifts her head up slightly, ‘I felt like they were giving up on me, but I’m glad now that they sent me here, because I think
it’s really done me good, you’ve done me good, which is why it’ll be so hard to say goodbye to you.’