How Forever Feels (25 page)

As soon as he lifted his head, Maya lunged, but Jayne held her back. Damn it, she just wanted to slap that face, that face she loved so much, the face that had grinned at her so many times, the face that made her fall in love with him.

“That's not what happened,” he said. His face, tinged green, was tight and pinched when he finally looked at her. “I hired her, yeah. Will wanted one, I was his best man, and I did it. But she left that party untouched, Maya—those are the rules. She can touch the guys but they can't touch her. Shit—she brought a bodyguard with her for Christ's sake.”

“Don't bullshit me, Jack. Genie told me he screwed her that night—and you knew about it!”

“Let her go, Jayne,” he said. “It's okay.”

By the time Jayne finally let her go, Maya's urge to slap him was still strong but somehow felt petty.

“Yeah, I knew, but not until the next morning. All us guys crashed at Genie's that night, remember? I don't know when Will and her hooked up, because she wasn't there when I went up to bed but she was sitting in Genie's kitchen when I got up.”

“Okay,” Jayne said. “I think that's enough.”

“No.” Maya never took her eyes off Jack as she shook her head. “I want to know all of it.”

Before saying anything else, he reached up and undid the top couple of buttons on his shirt. “I couldn't let Genie see her, so I forced her back into Will's room until I could get her and all the other guys into cabs, and then I did what I always did.”

“You cleaned up after him.”

Jack nodded.

“And where was Dickhead while this was all going on?”

“Passed out on his bed.” Clearing his throat, he didn't seem to know where to look. “When I finally got him up, we got into it pretty bad. He told me it was none of my fuckin' business and that it was the only time he'd ever done something like that, and I believed him. It was Will; he's like my brother. Why would he lie to me?”

“Oh please,” Maya snorted. “Don't give me that shit, Jack.”

“I'm not giving you shit, Maya.” For the first time his voice got louder, stronger, and he pushed off the couch to pace. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me not to tell you? You're the only woman I've ever loved, and I couldn't tell you because you were in love with my best friend, and if you found out what he did, you'd be devastated. Jeezus, why the hell would I want to be the one who did that to you?”

“It wasn't about you, Jack.”

“I know!” he bellowed. “It never was! It was always about what someone else wanted or needed, and this was a prime example, wasn't it? You didn't want me, you wanted Will, and Genie sure as hell didn't want you anywhere else except with Will, so I did what I've always done and I kept my fuckin' mouth shut, because that's what I thought would make you and Genie happy!”

As much as the bile began to swirl in Maya's stomach again, it was Jayne who looked like she was going to throw up, so with a tip of her head, Maya indicated that she should go.

“No.”

“It's fine,” Maya said quietly. “Really.”

Jayne didn't look convinced but she did finally nod, albeit briefly. “I'll be right downstairs—and I'm leaving the door open.”

Maya followed Jayne to the top of the stairs and gently eased the door closed a little bit, not all the way. Not because she had the slightest fear of Jack but because she knew Jayne would feel better. It was only then she turned back to Jack, who picked up right where he left off.

“I swear to God, if I thought for one second he'd ever do it again, I'd have told you that very day, and I know that's a stupid thing to say now, but it's the truth. And if you don't believe me, maybe you should go have another conversation with Genie, because she heard everything I said to Will that morning.”

“Genie knew, too?”

“Why do you think she was such a bitch at the rehearsal dinner? She wanted to make sure I knew where my place was in that family, and it worked, didn't it?”

Maya had never seen him like this; she'd seen him annoyed before, even angry once in a while, but this was more than just angry.

“I'm sorry you had such a shitty life, Jack, I really and truly am, but I'm not the one who did that to you; I'm not the one who
ever
treated you that way, and yet for some reason, I'm the one you lied to. I'm the one you screwed over.”

It was her heart that was breaking, yet he was the one who looked crumpled.

“I trusted you. From the second I saw you sitting in the pub, I knew you were the one I could trust; I wouldn't have to second-guess anything with you, and now that's gone.”

“Maya.” He took a step toward her, but she drew back, pulled the blanket tight again.

“No. I can't…” She inhaled a shuddering breath and moved farther away from the door. “You need to go.”

“Come on, Maya, don't do this.”

“I didn't do anything, Jack. You did.” The knot in her throat threatened to let loose, but if that happened, she'd lose control and she couldn't afford to do that, not with him standing there, because she knew exactly how it would end—with her sprawled out naked on top of him again.

“I'm sorry. God, I…can't we just sit down and talk about this?”

“No. I need to figure some things out and I need to do that by myself.”

“Okay, but tomorrow…?”

“Please just go.”

“Maya—”

“Don't make me say it again, Jack.”

His jaw flexed, his mouth even opened a couple times, but whatever he was going to say stayed unspoken as he made his way to the door. He stopped at the top of the stairs and turned, but kept his head down.

“You'll never know how sorry I am, Maya, but while you're trying to figure things out, I hope you can see the one truth in all of this. I love you, and you'll never have to second-guess or doubt that, because it'll always be there waiting for you whenever you're ready to believe it.”

His footsteps sounded down the thirteen steps, the back door opened and shut quietly, and then he was gone, taking everything she had to give with him.

The highway opened Tuesday morning, and Maya assumed Jack was one of the first vehicles in line to get out of Newport Ridge. She hadn't seen or talked to him since he'd left her apartment, and no matter how much that hurt, it was what she wanted.

Now if she could just stop thinking about him every two seconds, maybe she could sort things out a little faster. There was no way of knowing where he was or how he was doing unless she contacted one of the Carsons, and that wasn't going to happen.

When she got to Chalker's that night, the other three were already there with drinks waiting. She'd given Regan and Ellie the condensed version of what happened, but they'd both agreed to give her a little space those first few days and not hover.

She was ready for some hovering now. And these three were the ones to do it. If there was any way to help her get over this—over him—it was through the support of her friends sitting around that table waiting for her. Just seeing them waiting for her as she walked up was already beginning to help.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ellie didn't even wait until Maya was seated. “How could you just let him walk out like that?”

Regan nodded so fast it was like she could hardly wait for Ellie to finish so she could jump in.

“Are you out of your freakin' mind?”

Jayne, always the peacemaker, lifted her hand slightly and pinned them both with a look. “Why don't we let her sit down first?”

And so they did, barely. Maya slung her jacket over the back of her chair and reached for her wine before sitting down. So much for the warm circle of “Kumbaya” she'd expected.

“Hello to you, too,” she said, not even trying to hide her irritation. “And thank you, I'm fine, nice of you to ask.”

“We're sorry,” Jayne said, and at least she looked it, not like the other two. “How are you, really?”

“Honestly, I'm a little pissed off. I came here hoping for some sympathy, maybe a bit of a ‘buck up little camper' speech from you guys.”

Ellie was already shaking her head. “That's not gonna happen.”

“Yeah, thank you, Ellie, I got that.”

“He was the one, Maya. He would have done anything for you, without question, without expecting anything in return.”

“Oh really? Then why didn't he just tell me what happened? Why keep it a secret all this time? And why—if he'd have done anything for me—why let me go through with a marriage that was doomed to fail?”

“Maybe because he was scared,” Regan said. “Maybe because Dickhead told him it was a one-time thing. Or maybe because it was a choice between losing his family or keeping you all together, and he couldn't bear the thought of being the one to destroy everything.”

“Doesn't make it any easier.”

“Of course it doesn't,” Ellie snorted. “But trust us, easy's overrated.”

Jayne tipped her glass against Ellie's. “True story. If Nick and I had taken the easy route, he would have married Lisa after Abby died, and they'd be living in a perfectly symmetrical split-level house with two perfect children and a swing set in the backyard.
That
would have been easy, that's what everyone thought should happen, and God knows it's what his mother wanted to have happen.”

“Yeah, but—”

“No. There's no ‘but.' ”” Regan spoke each word slowly, precisely. “Carter could have easily taken one look at my situation with Mom and walked away like everyone else did, and I wouldn't have stopped him, because if there's one thing my mom's
not,
it's easy. And how easy do you think it is, knowing he and I will never have children of our own? It's horrible, but we deal with it every single day, so don't whine to me about wanting things to be easy.”

“Regan…” Maya reached across the table, but Regan just shook her head.

“I'm not looking for sympathy,” she said. “I'm trying to show you what the reality is. Yeah, yeah, whatever, so Jack didn't tell you what a dick Dickhead was…yeah, that was wrong, he should have, but step back for a second and look at it objectively: Can you blame him?”

“No, of course not. More than anyone else, I understand why he's always been so loyal to that family. I get that! What I don't get, what I don't understand, is why I'm supposed to be okay with the fact that I got screwed over. And how am I supposed to trust myself to know who's telling me the truth and who's not now?”

“Come on, Maya,” Ellie started, but Maya bulldozed right over her.

“You guys think you know what this is like, but you don't. I had my whole life planned out with Will. I mean, God, I was so sure I had ‘forever' wrapped up with him; and if I was
that
wrong then, how am I supposed to trust myself to know what forever actually feels like? I've second-guessed every single decision I've made for the last two years, and then Jack showed up and all that stopped.”

“See?” Jayne's hopeful smile didn't last long.

“The only thing I see, Jayne, is that I was wrong again.”

“But you just said you understood why he didn't tell you.”

“I do understand it, but I also understand that he made that choice not to tell me. He chose them over me, and while I don't blame him for that, I'm not going to sit back and wait for it to happen again, either, and from what I know about Jack and the Carsons, it's a pattern that gets repeated constantly. They will always come first to him.”

“Maya.” It was all Ellie got out before she closed her mouth and sighed, and for a few long wine-sipping moments, there was nothing else said.

Then Regan's mouth twisted to the side a little and her cheeks pinked enough to highlight her freckles. “Okay, fine,” she muttered. “You're not
completely
wrong, and I'm sorry I told you to stop whining.”

Maya allowed herself a smile, small as it was, over the rim of her glass. “Thank you. Apology accepted.”

“I'm sorry, too,” Jayne said. “We shouldn't have jumped all over you like that.”

The three of them turned to Ellie who just shook her head.

“No way. I still think you're out of your freakin' mind.”

The second the highway opened, Jack was gone. Once he hit Seattle, he didn't stop at his apartment or anything, just drove straight to TMJ and sat in his office staring out over the Puget Sound, with Pete lying at his feet.

Anyone who thought dogs couldn't frown had never met Pete. He'd been in a mood since they left Newport Ridge a few days back and Jack couldn't blame him.

Day after day they sat there in the office, Pete staring at Jack, who stared out his window trying to figure out what to do. And day after day his boss kept reminding him with increasing urgency that they needed the new missions and characters for
Apollo4
.

Like he even cared about the stupid game at this point.

God almighty he missed Maya. And it wasn't just one thing, it was everything: her snort-laugh, the way she'd looked at him with so much trust, the way she'd get down on the floor with Pete and let him slobber all over her. The way she packed so much love into such a tiny little body.

She wasn't wrong to be so pissed at him; she hadn't even been wrong to kick him out that day. He'd screwed up royally, and he deserved everything she'd said to him. Probably more.

He couldn't just let her go, though, not now. He needed to find a way to get her back, to prove to her that she'd been right to love him and that he'd do whatever he could to never make her doubt that again.

But how? She wouldn't talk to him, and he needed to respect that for now, to give her room to figure things out—but how much room? Not enough would make things worse, too much would give her time to move further away from him.