Horrid Henry's Joke Book (6 page)
Read Horrid Henry's Joke Book Online
Authors: Francesca Simon
I hate P.E.! I hate Sports Day, too, unless of course I win everything. But Al promised to pick me ahead of Margaret for soccer today if I let him put some jokes in my book. It'll be worth it just to see the look on Margaret's grumpy, misery-gut face!Why is Cinderella bad at football?
She has a pumpkin as her coach.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
She kept running away from the ball.
What did one earwig say to the other earwig as they fell out of a tree?
Earwig go, earwig go, earwig go.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What is a ghost's favorite position in soccer?
Ghoul keeper.
Where did the Gorilla play baseball?
In the bush leagues, of course!
What is the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground.
How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?
They both need a good batter.
How did the soccer field become a triangle?
Somebody took a corner.
Why did the basketball player go to the doctor?
To get more shots.
What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Why do elephants have gray trunks?
They're all on the same swimming team.
Why is a tennis game so loud?
Because the players raise a racquet.
Why should Sports Days never be held in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs.
Why wasn't the basketball player invited to dinner?
He dribbled too much.
Why didn't the dog like swimming?
It was a boxer.
What part of a swimming pool is never the same?
The changing rooms.
Where do old bowling balls end up?
The gutter.
What happened when two balls of string had a race?
It ended in a tie.
What's Aerobic Al's favorite subject in school?
Jog-graphy.
Mom: Henry! I've just had the strangest call from Aunt Rubyâ¦Henry: Hide!
What do you call a cannibal that ate his mother's sister?
An aunt eater.
What do you call a really old aunt?
An aunt-ique!
Why do you put your aunt in the fridge?
To make Auntie-freeze.
Has your aunt caught up with you yet?
No, but when she does I'm going to need a lot of Auntie-septic.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her nightgown.
How can you tell if Aunt Ruby's been to visit?
She's still in the house.
Mom
: Henry, we're having Aunt Ruby for lunch this Sunday.
Henry
: Can't we have roast beef instead?
Mom
: Henry! Why did you put a slug in Aunt Ruby's bed?
Henry
: I couldn't find a snake.
Aunt Ruby
: Goodness! It's raining cats and dogs.
Henry
: I know. I nearly stepped in a poodle.
Aunt Ruby
: Well, Henry, I'm leaving tomorrow. Are you sorry?
Henry
: Oh yes, Aunt Ruby, I thought you were leaving today.
These jokes are guaranteed to send teachers screaming from the classroom. Just don't blame me if you get sent to the principalâ¦What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy who brought a pin to the inflatable school?
You've let me down, you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry! What is glue made out of?
Henry
: Umâ¦sticks.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry! Were you copying Susan's answers?
Henry
: No! I was just seeing if she got mine right.
Henry
: Would you blame someone for something they didn't do?
Miss Battle-Axe
: Of course not.
Henry
: Good, I didn't do my homework.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry, I hope I didn't see you copying Clare.
Henry
: I hope you didn't either.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Linda! Why are you late for school again?
Lazy Linda
: I overslept.
Miss Battle-Axe
: You mean you sleep at home as well?
What would you get if you crossed Miss Battle-Axe with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Miss Battle-Axe
: William! You've put your shoes on the wrong feet.
Weepy William
: Waaaah! But these are the only feet I've got.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry! You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Henry
: Not very much.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry! If you multiplied 1497 by 371 what answer would you get?
Henry
: The wrong one.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry, where are the Kings and Queens of England crowned?
Henry
: On their heads.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry, make up a sentence with the word “lettuce” in it.
Henry
: Let us out of school early.
What's the difference between homework and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up homework.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry! I'm sending you off the soccer field.
Henry
: What for?
Miss Battle-Axe
: The rest of the match.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry, what is a mushroom?
Henry
: The place where they make cafeteria lunches.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry! Why are you doing a headstand in the classroom?
Henry
: You said we should turn things over in our minds.
Henry
: I wish we lived in the olden days.
Ralph
: Why?
Henry
: We wouldn't have so much history to learn.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry, I do wish you'd pay a little attention.
Henry
: Believe me, I'm paying as little as I can.
Miss Battle-Axe
: That's the most horrid boy in the whole school.
Mom
: That's my son.
Miss Battle-Axe
: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Mom
: You're sorry?
