Horrid Henry's Joke Book (2 page)

Vampire to Son
: You're late. We had guests for dinner. They were delicious!

What do cannibals like for breakfast?

Buttered host.

What does Dracula like for breakfast?

Ready neck.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

Because he had bat breath.

What do monsters make with cars?

Traffic jam.

What do cannibals play at parties?

Swallow the leader.

What does a sea monster eat for dinner?

Fish and ships.

How do monsters have their eggs?

Terrifried.

What's the difference between school lunches and slugs?

School lunches come on plates.

What do you call someone who puts poison on their breakfast?

A cereal killer.

What do mermaids have on toast?

Mermalade.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately...

What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark-infested custard.

What do you get if you cross an egg with a barrel of gunpowder?

A boom-meringue.

Waiter! Waiter! Your thumb is in my soup.

Don't worry. It's not hot.

Waiter! Waiter! This egg is bad.

Don't blame me, I only laid the table.

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup.

I'm sorry, sir, the dog must have missed it.

Henry
: Why is your thumb on my sandwich?

Demon Dinner Lady
: To stop it from falling on the floor again.

What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your apple?

Finding half a caterpillar in your apple.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

What do French pupils say after finishing school lunches?

Mercy.

What happened to the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Henry
: What's yellow, brown, and hairy?

Peter
: I don't know.

Henry
: Cheese on toast stuck to the carpet.

What do cannibals do at weddings?

Toast the bride and groom.

What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

What's yellow, flat, and flies around the kitchen?

An unidentified flying omelette.

What's the worst thing you'll find in a school cafeteria?

The food.

Miss Battle-Axe
: Henry, how many bones have you got in your body?

Henry
: It feels like 4,000. I had fish for lunch in the school cafeteria.

What happens when a baby eats Rice Krispies?

It goes snap, crackle, and poop.

Why is your mouth full of lint?

My mom vacuumed up my candy.

What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head.

What monster do you get at the end of your finger?

A bogey monster.

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup.

Quiet or everyone will want one.

What's green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

What do you give seasick elephants?

Plenty of room.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers to pick it.

What's an insect's best pick-up line?

“Is this stool taken?”

What goes ha-ha-bonk?

A man laughing his head off.

Why did the sand scream?

The sea weed.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

Picket.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Alec.

Alec who?

Alec to pick my nose.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Ahab.

Ahab who?

Ahab to go to the bathroom.

What's brown and sticky?

A brown stick.