Hopelessly Imperfect (Imperfect #1) (24 page)

“Nate, don’t worry. It’s fine.”

Frowning, he got out of the water and helped me out. My eyes almost popped out of their sockets as I took all of him in. The shirts he wore didn’t do him justice at all. His arms were muscular; not bulgy, out-of-this-world muscular, but the right healthy amount of muscle. His chest was well defined, and he had a six-pack. My mouth was dry as he turned to get a large blanket and wrapped it around me.

“What about you?” I tilted my head as his teeth started to chatter.

“I’ll use the other one.” He walked back to where we had our picnic and wrapped up in the blanket we’d put the food on. He gestured for me to sit by the fire pit while he rummaged through his backpack to find some matches.

When the fire was going, he took a seat by me and wrapped his blanket over me as we cuddled together.

He broke the silence as I looked at the crackling fire. “I’m really sorry.”

I moved back a little to look at him. “Nate, it’s okay. Really,” I stressed as his eyes searched mine. “It’s just that I—” I looked away, “—I’m new at this, and losing my virginity in a lake isn’t how I pictured it happening. Besides, there were fish all over, and that’s just gross.”

Surprise flashed across his face. “What do you mean?” His gray eyes pierced through me. “You’ve never…?” I shook my head, blushing. “Jesus.” He ran a hand through his hair, and his blanket fell to the ground. Once again, I swallowed hard at the sight of his glorious body. “Stop looking at me like that!” He covered himself as I covered my face, completely embarrassed. He burst out laughing. “You have no idea how you make me feel when you look at me like that, Cassie.”

“Sorry,” I murmured sheepishly.

“So, you and Tom…?” He gazed at the fire.

“He said that we had, didn’t he?” I cuddled against him again. I should have known. The guy was shallow and a complete ass, nothing like I thought he was.

“He gloated about it for an entire semester.” Nate’s jaw clenched, and I grabbed his hand, grateful for the small fire. My underwear was still cold, but at least I had a blanket and we were near a source of heat.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I gazed at the dancing orange-and-yellow flames.

“For what?”

I shrugged. “For being such an oblivious idiot?”

He chuckled as I glanced at him. “You don’t have to apologize to anyone, Cassie. Especially me. You know that, right?” A lopsided smile crossed his lips as he pulled me closer. “Besides, it was worth the wait.”

My heart fluttered. Then a dark feeling washed over me. I just wished I could have apologized to Mom, though. Silence reigned as I mulled his words over.
You don’t have to apologize to anyone.

“You know the same applies to you too, right?” I murmured.

He snorted. “Have you forgiven yourself?” His gray eyes looked at me seriously.

“I’m working on it.” I meant it. I was thinking about writing the letter Amanda suggested. There were many things I wanted to tell Mom, and it seemed right to at least put them into actual words.

Nate gazed at the fire for a long moment, deep in thought.

The sky darkened, and little, twinkling stars appeared. They reflected over the water. It was such a pretty sight. I tried to memorize it. It could be a neat drawing.

“You know?” I swallowed hard as I watched the flames, mesmerized. “My mom had ups and downs while being sick. About half a year ago, when she was feeling better, she was angry that I still hadn’t made up with Anne.” I frowned. “It felt like she was nagging me to no end, and I told her that when she was first diagnosed, she had seen life in a new light. She was more worried about being kind, telling us that she loved us and such. But after her remission, she had lost that; I basically told her that she was back to nagging me…” My chest constricted as my eyes brimmed with tears. “And then she got worse.” My voice broke on the last word.

Nate shifted so he could gaze at me. “Cassie, it wasn’t your fault.”

I tilted my head and breathed out slowly, trying to keep the tears at bay. “Probably not. But I shouldn’t have said that. It was mean and careless and plain rude.” I swallowed hard. “And I feel like I called the sickness back, you now?” I shook my head. “I know that’s stupid, but I still shouldn’t have done what I did.”

Nate sighed. “It’s not stupid. You’re hurting, and from what you’ve told me, you had a complicated relationship with your mother.” He brushed his hand across my cheek. “But it wasn’t your fault.” He leaned in and kissed me softly, making me feeling warm inside. Then he pulled away to get our clothes. A small smile formed on my lips as he gave them to me.

I welcomed the warmth of my clothes as I pulled them on. He took my sweater and a hoodie for him out of the backpack, along with some more sandwiches. I wasn’t feeling hungry, though.

“Leah and I weren’t really close,” he started as he unwrapped a sandwich, “but she was my sister, and we would always have each other’s back.” He stared at his food for a moment. “I wish I’d known what her favorite song was. Or if she had a favorite book…” He snorted. “I don’t even know if she liked to read at all.” He swallowed hard before his voice turned rough. “That’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it?”

I reached out for him with a broken heart. Anything comforting I could have said would make me feel like a hypocrite. I was struggling with my own demons and I couldn’t suggest something I hadn’t tried. But I intertwined our hands just to let him know I was there for him. His eyes locked with mine, and I could see the sorrow, pain, and guilt etched in them.

I brushed his cheek with the back of my hand, then leaned in and kissed him, trying to pour out what I was feeling for him. That I was there and I loved him, even though it still didn’t feel right to tell him so. He kissed me back and tangled his fingers in my braid. He pulled out the elastic band, and his eyes warmed as he passed a hand through my still-damp hair.

“Don’t punish yourself, Nathan,” I said as I looked into his eyes. He glanced to the side, a frown creasing his forehead. “Please.”
For us.

He pulled me close, and we cuddled in front of the small fire in silence. At some point, he looked at his cell phone’s screen. “We should go; the park is closing in less than an hour.”

I glanced at the graham crackers and chocolate. He grabbed them and put them away, leaving only the white marshmallows out. I helped him fold the blankets, and we put out the fire too. We ate the marshmallows as we walked down the trail back to his car.

Soft music played on the radio as he drove me home. Coldplay was on as he parked in front of my house. The kitchen was lit up, meaning Dad was home.

“Cass, do you really want to meet my mother?” Nate blurted out as I looked at my house.

My head snapped to him. “Yes.”

He shook his head. “I think I can arrange something soon.” His brows furrowed as he thought it through.

My heart soared for him. “Whenever is fine. Just let me know when it’s right for you.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

His eyes were looking at the street in front of us as he let out a breath. “There are times I still can’t believe you agreed to this.”

A warm feeling washed over me at his words. I shifted on my seat to face him. Softly, with both hands, I turned his head to me. His gray eyes were stormy as I looked at him. “I’d be crazy not to.” My lips curved up in a shy smile before I leaned closer and kissed him. “Thank you for such an amazing day.”

His lips tugged up in that boyish smile as we pulled apart. My heart was racing as his eyes glinted mischievously. “Thank you for the free show,” he added teasingly.

My cheeks flushed as I rolled my eyes. “Do you want to come over tomorrow?”

“Sure.” His gray eyes pierced through me. “Are you going to show me those drawings?”

I stared at his mesmerizing eyes. I would do anything for him. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I shrugged. “Maybe,” I said nonchalantly as my lips twitched. I was such a goner.

“I’d really like to see them.”

I gnawed on my lip. There was one tiny problem. Lately, I had been drawing his lips and eyes, which made it obvious that I was totally crazy about him. Maybe he needed to see it for himself.

“Okay.” I glanced to the side, a bit embarrassed.

He hopped out of the car and trotted around to open my door. His lips curved up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

He walked me to my door and kissed me one more time before saying good-bye. I watched him drive away as I stood in the doorway. There were so many things we both needed to work on, but at the same time, there was no one else that could understand what we were going through.

Dad walked out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands. I glanced at him while his blue eyes studied me for a moment before a knowing grin played on his face. “Did you have a good time, honey?”

“The best.” A small smile formed on my lips.

His eyes softened. “I’m glad. There’s some leftover pasta in the fridge if you want some.”

I shook my head. “No, thank you. I think I’d like to draw something.”

His lips curved up. “Good for you.” He walked up to me and kissed me on the forehead. “Don’t stay up too late, okay?”

“Good night, Dad.” I started to climb the stairs, then turned to him. “I love you, Daddy.” His eyes were warm as mine brimmed with tears. I wished I could say it to Mom. I hadn’t said it enough when she was alive, and I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.

“I love you too, Cassie.”

That night, I drew a lake with little stars reflecting over the water. It took me most of the night, but I wanted to capture the beautiful moment I shared with Nathan. After I got into bed, I stared at it, thinking of everything we had talked about. With brimming eyes, I stood up and took out another piece of blank paper.

I gazed at it for a long time.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my hand moved on its own, jotting words that were buried deep inside me.

Chapter Twenty-Two

A soft, continuous rattling on my nightstand made my eyes flutter slowly. My hand reached out for the device causing such a racket. Brushing a palm across my eyes, I adjusted to the light as I unlocked my phone. I had two missed calls from Nathan. Frowning, I noticed it was past noon already. I had slept past five in the morning. But my drawing was finished as well as the letter.

My eyes turned to the folded pages on my desk.

My phone started to buzz once again, and I slid my finger across the screen to answer. “Nate?” My voice was raspy, and I flushed with embarrassment.

“Were you asleep?” he asked incredulously.

I closed my eyes as I snuggled in my blankets. “I stayed up until five.” I stifled a yawn.

“Why?” Instant worry clouded his tone. “Are you okay?”

A small grin formed on my face. “Why do you keep asking me that?” My grin was wide now. “I was up drawing.”

He chuckled. “I’m your boyfriend. It’s my job to worry over you.” I bit my lip as butterflies fluttered in my stomach. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to sleep, beautiful.”

My eyes snapped open. I sat up. “No! Give me half an hour and I’ll be ready!”

Nate chuckled. “I’ll give you two hours because I’m feeling like doing some exercise, okay? And you can doze off again.”

Pouting, I let myself fall back on the bed again. “Fine. Enjoy your exercise,
Muffin Top
.” I smirked.

“Tsk. I think I prefer Rivers, babe.” My heart fluttered at
his
endearment. “I’ll see you in a bit,” he added before hanging up.

A warm feeling ran through me as I placed the phone back on the nightstand. I sighed contented, but I wasn’t sleepy anymore. Excited at seeing my boyfriend soon, I made my bed, then washed my face and brushed my teeth, grimacing at my reflection because my eyes were all blotchy.

Dad had left a note on the counter. He was running some errands with Marie, but they would be back in time for dinner. I rummaged through the fridge until I found a cucumber and an apple. I went back to bed and placed two cucumber slices on my eyes as I ate the apple.

After a while, I took off the cucumber and walked to my desk. My hand trembled as I touched the letter as if it was a precious treasure.

Because it was.

I’d poured everything I’d felt over the last few years into these pages. My eyes brimmed with tears as I read it.

Dear Mom,

I wish you were here so I could tell you this in person. So I could hold your hand and look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you. How much I need you.

But you aren’t. And it hurts. So much.

There are no words to explain the emptiness you left in my heart. But I have understood that it will never heal. You left with a piece of my heart, and it will never be replaced.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t ever be able to love.

I understand that now. I know that even though you are not physically with me, you are with me. Because you are in my heart and you will always be.

I miss you so much. I’m really sorry about everything.

I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for you. I tried to be someone you would be proud of and ended up losing myself. I felt awful. Like a complete failure. So I tried, again and again. It was an endless cycle where I wasn’t happy and you weren’t happy, either.

I’m sorry I screwed up things with you. I really am. I just felt worse every time.

I know you weren’t perfect, either.

I guess you wanted the best for me. Every time I felt judged by you, you were only trying to make me work harder. I can see that now. But it hurt, Mom.

You hurt me. Without trying, I know. But you did.

I forgive you.

I know you love me. Even though I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you, you always did.

I dreamed about you the other day. You were standing next to me while I painted. You were smiling and your hair was brown and you had on that white and blue dress that you loved so much. And you looked so proud of me. I could see it in your eyes.

I think I felt closer to you then more than ever. Even when you were alive.

I still have that sweatshirt you wore. I keep it in a plastic bag because it smells like you, and I haven’t taken it out. It hurts so much. It hurts to be able to smell you knowing that you aren’t here. That it’s pretty much the last thing I have that will ever have your smell.

Writing this isn’t easy. It’s painful and I’m crying so hard, but I feel like I need to let it out. I feel like it’s time for me to stop hurting so much. I hope that one day, I’ll be able to take your sweater out and not feel anguished or pained or guilty. Because you wouldn’t want that.

And I know that you are okay with Dad’s choice. I guess I understand it somehow.

Marie will never replace you. She doesn’t want too. She understands how hard this is for me, and I guess she can have a little piece of my heart too.

She’s a good woman and Dad smiles whenever they are together.

I guess people can have a second chance. I don’t want him to be sad, and I understand that he misses you. And that he isn’t trying to replace you, either. He wants that second chance, and he deserves it. We both know that. He deserves everything because he has always been such a good man to both of us.

I wish you would see me now. I wish you could meet my new friends. Mostly, I wish you could meet Nathan. He is such an amazing guy. He is really sweet and caring. I know you would approve of him. And you know? I feel like you have something to do with it. Because I’m not alone and he feels like a lifeline to me.

I know that wherever you are, you are with me. Taking care of me and Dad. I can feel it. I can feel you watching over us. Thank you for that.

I love you, Mom. I love you so much.

But I need to let go. I need to let go of all the guilt and pain I feel whenever I think of you. I want to remember you with love, not with anguish.

I will always miss you. You are part of me. You will always be.

I hope that one day, I’ll be a wonderful mother like you were to me.

Cassie

My eyes brimmed with tears as I finished reading it. It was so hard to write. Especially the part where I forgave her. Because Mom was gone and I couldn’t reproach her, right? But the truth is, I had. That even after she died I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. In a way, I blamed her for that. It also made me feel guilty. Even though she was gone and wouldn’t know how angry I was at her.

But I needed to forgive her in order to forgive myself.

I couldn’t say I was over the sorrow and the guilt, but I felt lighter now. Like I had taken an overwhelming load off my back. I felt like I could finally breathe without that heavy lump in my throat.

Like life could be better.

For the first time in the past months, I felt at peace with myself.

I was still healing, but I was hopeful. For me, for Dad.

I’d said I would respect his decision to date Marie but I didn’t like it. I think I sort of reproached him for it. Yet I meant what I wrote to Mom. Marie felt like his second chance. He seemed happy, and that made me feel happy in return.

I’d felt like he was replacing Mom, but in truth, he wasn’t. He was just moving on. He knew he had given his all to my mother, but it was now time for him to rebuild his life and find happiness on his own terms. I knew that many people would judge him for doing that, but it didn’t matter. He deserved to be happy too.

My hands were trembling as I swallowed hard and folded the letter. I wanted to burn it and let the wind take the ashes away. It felt right.

Sniffing, I walked to my closet and grabbed a pair of dark green pants, a beige top, and brown boots. After taking a bath, I took my time doing my makeup. This time, I did apply concealer and mascara because the cucumbers had done nothing to take away the dark circles under my eyes. I even drew a fine black line over my eyelids.

The hours passed as I retouched my drawing. I liked it. It would be part of my submission to the Art Institute of New York City. I just hoped it was good enough to get me in.

The doorbell rang and the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter. Biting my lip, I opened the door to find Nate with a large bouquet of white flowers in his hands. The gray t-shirt looked good on him. So did that lopsided smile on his face.

With a soaring heart, I reached out for him and kissed him hard. His arms encased me, and a smile formed on his lips as we kissed.

“Man, that was better than hello.” His tone was husky as we walked inside.

Blushing, I grabbed the flowers. “Thank you. They’re beautiful.”

His gaze roamed over my face, and a cloud of concern passed through his eyes. “Cass?”

“I wrote the letter,” I breathed out slowly. “I kind of let it all out,” I murmured as I took out a large vase and placed the flowers in it. Nate walked with me as I took it to the sink and filled it with water.

Silence reigned for a moment. But then his strong arms embraced me and I felt warmth envelope me from within. A trembling smile drew across my face. “You’re so brave, Cass. You are.” With a heavy heart, I simply held on to him tighter.

My eyes were teary as I gazed into his eyes. They were soft, loving, and proud. Really proud. Cupping his chin, I leaned closer and kissed him.

We stepped apart, and Nate looked to the side, shyly. “So I talked to my mother.” He played around with the dish towel I’d left on the counter after I’d cleaned up the water I’d spilled while filling the vase. “And—” he raised an eyebrow, “—she’s really excited to meet you next week.”

“That means a lot to me, Nate.”

His gray eyes snapped to me. “She seemed happy for me.” He frowned, as if he couldn’t believe it himself.

My heart clenched at his words. “She’s your mother, Nate. Of course she is.” Hesitation showed on his face. For a moment, he seemed lost and lonely. I leaned on his chest as his arms wrapped around me.

“Do you want to come up to my room?” I asked as I pulled apart to look at him. He raised an eyebrow with a sly smile on his face. “Nate!” I nudged him playfully. “I want to show you something!” I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

“You can show me anything, babe.” He wriggled his brows, making me laugh. I was glad the whole room felt lighter now.

“Come on, you stud,” I mocked him, interlacing our hands.

“Hey! That’s better than muffin top!” he quipped as we walked upstairs.

“Not a chance, Nate. Not. A. Chance.” I giggled at his pout.

We reached my room, and as usual, he walked around it, looking at everything and nothing at the same time. I followed his every move with my eyes as I leaned on my desk with a small smile on my face.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly as he noticed me watching him.

I chuckled. Taking out my drawing pad, I murmured, “I just want to say that I never, ever, show my drawings to anyone.”

His eyes shone with excitement as he reached for it. “I must be special, then,” he murmured.

“You are.” My tone was serious. His gray eyes darkened for a moment before he placed it on my bed.

“Thank you. You don’t know what this means to me.” He pecked me lightly on the lips before turning his attention to my sketchbook. Biting my lip, I watched in silence as he took out every drawing. They were all recent, though. I had stopped drawing in a way of self-punishment when Mom got worse. He glanced at me with a small smile on his face as he got to the eyes and lips I’d drawn. My cheeks flushed and I looked to the side.

He sucked in a breath, and I turned back to him as he stared at the drawing from the lake. “You did this last night?” I nodded shyly. “It’s awesome.” He took it all in, in complete awe and admiration. “You really have talent, baby.”

“Thanks,” I murmured shyly.

With a wide smile, he showed me one of the eye drawings. “I love this.”

Blushing, I rolled my eyes playfully. “You can keep it, if you want.”

His looked at all the drawings displayed on my bed. “You’re showing your work one day, Cass,” he said with conviction.

I scrunched my nose. “I’m not sure I’d like people scrutinizing it.”

“Well, I’m telling you this is really something.” He moved closer to me. “I’m proud of you.” He gazed at me fondly.

My stomach churned as I went to the desk and picked up the letter I’d written to Mom. “I also wrote this. You can read it, if you want.” I kind of wanted to show him that he wasn’t alone and that things could get better.

Hesitantly, he took it and leaned on the desk beside me. I didn’t plan on letting anyone read it. It felt too personal. But I wanted to show Nathan everything. Plus, I kind of hoped that he would be with me when I burned it.

He took his time reading. When he finished, he folded the letter in silence. After placing it on the desk, he looked into my eyes, his gray eyes were sad and piercing. His arms encased me as I leaned against his shoulder, my own eyes teary.