Hope for Him (Hope Series Book #2) (11 page)

It was sixty degrees outside, but sweat dripped down my back. 

"When was this?"

"Over winter break."

I placed my head in my hands.

During winter break, Josh and I got into a fight because I had gone home for Christmas, and he didn't want me to go. By the time I got on the plane, I missed him so much, the next time we had talked I asked him to join me for New Year's Eve, but he had refused. I didn't know until later that he had gotten high. That was also around the time he and Jackson had gotten into a fight over me.

"You don't need to hear this." My head snapped up.

"Yes, I do."

"To be honest, even loaded, he didn't cheat on you. He kept talking about his beautiful Carrington and how much he loved her and how much she would hate him if she found out what happened."

So, when I saw him on campus a few months later and I asked him if he wanted to get high, he didn't hesitate. He said he needed to forget. I figured you two had broken up."

"Did you sleep with him?"

She didn't answer right away, and I knew.

She nodded. "But we were high."

"Oh, so it doesn't count?" Josh used to tell me about addict's logic and that sounded like one.

"Well, no, but he wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't realize until later that you were pregnant. Maybe he couldn't handle the pressure."

"Candace, is it." I sat on my hands to keep from reaching over the table and slapping her silly. “I don't think you're in any position to speculate on his mental state."

"I know. I'm sorry. I could have done something to stop him from killing himself."

"You saw him before he died."

"Yeah, he showed up at my door one night before exams. He was covered in blood and was ranting about how he fixed it and his father would be proud. I tried to calm him down, but he ranted and paced back and forth. I snuck a Valium in his beer and he finally calmed down and passed out."

"Covered in blood."

"Yeah, it was crazy. I asked him what happened, and he kept saying,
I fixed it
,
like a good Griffin. I fixed it
. "

"That was my blood,” I said a little too loud.

"I know that now. I figured he got into another fight like the first time I met him. He had blood on his shirt and a black eye, too. As you know, he could be a violent drunk."

"How would I know that? I never got high with Josh. He had you for that."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I felt sorry for him, and he needed help." She averted her eyes. "When he woke up the next morning, he couldn't remember anything from the night before. He couldn't wait to get to you. He was so sweet, and he told me about the baby.

And when he came back and asked me to help him find his car, I should have stayed with him. He left it over at...a friend’s house."

By the way she hesitated when she said friend, I figured she was referring to their dealer.

"I should have watched over him, but you know I figured I was there and Josh gave me money. I needed to party."

I let out a throaty whimper and wiped my face with the back of my hand.

I wasn't sure what upset me more. Josh cheating on me with this drug addict, or that she had a chance to help him and didn't.

"I know you don't want to hear this, either, but some good came out of Josh's death."

My eyes locked on hers, and I dared her to tell me the great thing that happened to her after my boyfriend beat me up, crushed oxy and valium into a Jack Daniels bottle, downed in and drifted away from this world.

"I sobered up. I went into rehab the next day, and I've been sober ever since." She delivered this news with a hesitant smile. 

"Oh, yeah. You're sober. You feel better. I am so happy for you." I let the tears fall. "In the meantime, I get to add cheating to the long list of shit Josh did to me. Thank you for that. I am so fucking happy you feel better."

#

J
ackson Latre Mitchell

I headed out of class and found Carrington sitting at a table talking to a girl with pink and blue hair. I smiled and headed for the Student Union happy she was making friends, but I stopped and turned when I heard her raised voice. 

I couldn't make out what they were talking about, but on second look, Carrington was upset. The pink haired chick was crying, too.

Carrington gathered her stuff and walked away.

I jogged to catch up to her.

"Carrington."

She stopped but didn't turn around. I turned her around and her eyes were closed and her face was puffy and wet. We were near the science buildings. If she was going to have a breakdown, it was better to do it in semi-privacy and not in the middle of campus. I pulled her toward the building. She opened her eyes but didn't protest. We ducked into the closest building and found an empty classroom inside the door.

She dropped her stuff on the ground and walked over to the desk and leaned over it, her hands flat on the surface.

"Carrington, what's wrong?"

She turned around so fast, I stepped back.

"Did you know Josh cheated on me?"

"What?"

"Don't lie to me Jackson. Did you know?"

"No. Of course not." She appeared crushed all over again, and I wanted to go to her and hold her, but Tiffany popped in my head.

What the fuck?

I shook the image of her out of my head and stood in front of Carrington.

"Who told you that?"

"Apparently in a drug-induced haze, Josh had sex with some goth chick." She reached out and placed a hand on my forearm. It was a simple gesture, but it made my insides go crazy, in a good way. "And she felt the need to tell me how Josh's death was the scare she needed to get sober. Isn't that amazing?"

"Carrington."

"No, really. I'm so glad Josh didn't die for nothing."

I pulled her to me and rubbed her back. I wanted her to let it go. When I told Tiffany about Carrington not wanting to talk about what happened, it wasn't true. I didn't want her talking about it because I had no clue how to help her. It was so raw for me, too.

"Why do I have to find out about this now? Why do people feel the need to share?" she asked.

"Oh, Carrington. You know the saying, misery loves company."

"But no one has the right to be miserable but you and me."

She laughed at herself, and I squeezed her tighter.

"I know. I'm being ridiculous."

"You're allowed." I kissed her on the top of her head, and she wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. I smelled her hair and had to adjust myself, but I was too late.

"Um, I'm okay." She pushed away from me.

"You sure?" I relaxed and sat on the edge of the desk.

"After all that Josh did to me, I never thought he cheated on me. Was I naive?"

"Not naive, but I'm sure he did a lot of things he didn't mean to do when he was high."

"Yeah, but sleeping with another girl. I didn't think he would cheat on me. It's like the worse thing you can do to a person because you're saying to the person you claim to love that they aren't enough. Drugs and alcohol are one thing. Those are addictions, but he wasn't addicted to sex."

"Why are you trying to rationalize this when there’s nothing you can do about it?"

"I know, but I wish I didn't know. I have no problem living in ignorant bliss." The side of her mouth curled up on the ends and she nibbled her bottom lip. "I'm so glad I insisted on using condoms every other time we were together."

"You're going to drive yourself crazy second-guessing what was going on in Josh's mind. Let's talk about something else."

"Where are you coming from?"

"Class."

"How do you always happened to be in the right place the right time?" she asked.

"It's just with you. Lately, my timing has been off."

During practice, I stayed focus, but it took effort. My decision to stay with Tiffany made it more difficult.

"I'm sorry. I've been so in my own world." She sat in one of the desks and put her chin in her hand. "What's going on with you? How's practice going, how’s the team?"

I narrowed my eyes and laughed.

"What?"

"You sound a little strange. Kind of manic."

"Well, you're right. I'm not going to figure it out. It's so frustrating. When I think I have a handle on it all, I learn another thing or another bit of information that knocks me on my ass. I'm so tired of crying about it."

I walked over and squatted in front of her. "I hate to see you cry."

I reached out and touched her cheek.

"I know. I am trying not to be one of those weepy girls. It's not a good look."

"You're beautiful, no matter what."

She smiled and blinked but sat back in her chair and stared.

"Come on." I checked my phone to avoid her gaze. "I have just enough time to walk you home and give Jack a hug before practice."

I stood up and held out my hand.

She took it, but she dropped it as soon as she was up. She headed toward the door and I had a great view of her backside. I was a twelve-year-old boy around her. I couldn't control my hormones.

What in the world is wrong with me?

We strolled back to her house enjoying the comfortable silence. It's funny how people always talk about being quiet with someone as the ultimate test that the relationship was successful. I enjoyed the silence to avoid talking about all the stuff that made it hard for us. Silence was comforting because talking led us down a path neither one of us were ready to travel.

I enjoyed being there for her today. I figured if we both maintained this type of relationship, we could sail through the semester and well on into the rest of our lives. I wasn't concerned about my feelings for Carrington or my feelings for Tiffany. I needed one and wanted the other. Neither asked me to choose, which let me off the hook.

I smiled. She smiled back.

When we reached her house, I followed her inside. She called out for Kayla and Jack, but no one was home. They had left a note on the whiteboard in the kitchen.

Mamma,

At the park, be back soon.

Love,

Jack

(and Kayla)

We stood in the kitchen and stared at each other.

"Well, I have to go."

"Practice."

"Yeah." I leaned down and gave her a hug, "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Thank you. You're always there for me. I can't ask for anything more."

She could ask for whatever she wanted, but I was relieved she didn't.

#

C
arrington Olivia Butler

Jackson and I texted each other over the week, but he was busy with class and practice, and he didn't have much time for us. I tried not to take it personal.

I didn't tell anyone else about my encounter with Candace, but it was all I could think about. Josh had this whole secret life away from me, and it made it harder to understand what he did, and why he did it. I was tired of dealing with all this new shit. I missed having something stable in my life. I craved a sense of familiar.

When I received a call from Jackson at eight am on Saturday morning, I got my wish. It was our little ritual, his pre-game pep talk. He would call on the morning of his games, and we would talk about our week. I would give bits of useless information about the opposing team he was playing, and we would laugh a lot. I didn't expect him to call, but I was happy he did and grateful that I was prepared and we followed the script. I needed this.

"Did you know the Arizona Sun Devils mascot was designed to resemble Walt Disney?"

"I did not know that."

"Yeah, apparently, the artist used to work for Disney, but maybe he didn't leave on such good terms if he immortalized his former boss into the devil."

"I wonder why people get offended by our tribute to Seminole Nation, and they don't say a word about glorifying the devil."

"Good point." I smiled and crawled further under my covers. Warmth spread through me as we talked.

"What are your goals for the season?”

"Not let anyone down."

I bit my lip to prevent myself from confessing my heart to him. He didn't need to hear it—not right now—but I knew he wasn't talking about the game. It was everything, and I felt bad that I would cause him any sort of hurt or self-doubt. He had no idea what he was to me but coming back into his life the way I did, it wasn't fair to him.

When he found me after my little chat with Candace, he had showed up out of nowhere and said the right things and did the right things and it was easy for him. Taking care of me when no one else was watching, but we wouldn't have those kinds of moments often.

He had a girlfriend, and if I did confess my love for him, I wasn't sure if he would break up with her. I watched him struggle. He didn't know how to balance it all, and I didn't want to make it harder for him.

I wanted to spend time with him, though.

"You guys are coming home tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Since you missed Jack the other day, you want to come over tomorrow."

"Um, I was going to ask if you and Jack wanted to come over to my place for dinner."

"Oh, okay. Yeah. What time?"

"Four o’clock." He shifted and sighed. "Tiffany is looking forward to meeting you."

In the
act normal while the love of your life tells you his girlfriend wants to meet you
category, the Oscar goes to ... Carrington Olivia Butler.

"Great. I can't wait to meet her, too."

"You sure you're okay with this?"

"Yes, of course.  She's important to you, so I want to meet her." I cleared my throat and waited an appropriate amount of time before I got off the phone and screamed in my pillow.

I got up and headed into the kitchen. I needed something. I wasn't much of a drinker, but I opened the cupboard and eyed the Fruity Pebbles. These were going to have to do. I poured a bowl and used Jack's whole milk. I took one bite and my eyes rolled back and my nerves calmed down.

Sugar is so good.

I heard a knock on the door.

I answered it, but with a mouth full of fruity goodness.

"Hey," Kayla said. I headed back to the kitchen.