Honest Love (17 page)

“What the fuck are you wearing?  Are you
trying
to get raped?  Why in the hell are you answering your door in that skimpy ass robe?”  I gasped, covered my mouth and stared at him.  In the second I had before I slammed the door in his face, I could see his regret, but it was too late. 

“Claire…no!”  I could hear him through my thick front door.  He was sorry.  So, what.  I slowly walked upstairs and climbed back into bed for just a little while.  I had work to get ready for, but I was going to lay in my bed and cry…just one more time before I forced myself to get up, get ready for work and start moving forward…alone.

I watched as my phone lit up with a text from Derek.

Derek:

I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.  Just please don’t answer your door half dressed.  Please.

I didn’t respond. 
I
wasn’t his concern, no matter how badly I wished I was. 

I’d decided to leave my phone on silent for the remainder of the day.  Not one soul needed to get in touch with me.  Not.  One.  I drove to the clinic and found that I was the first one there.  After unlocking the door and walking to Allison’s desk, I perused my schedule and found I only had five different patients scheduled for the day and Derek wasn’t one of them, thankfully. 

Allison and Melissa had both taken the rest of the week off.  I was the only one in the office for the day.  It was kind of nice…no one asking questions about my trip with Derek, no one wondering about my love life or lack thereof.  I knew they’d eventually ask, but later, not today.

I worked through each patient, each injury, trying to focus on the task at hand.  My mind drifted to Derek and I wondered if he’d tried to call or text me.  By 5:30pm, I was done with everyone and in my office catching up on all my patient charts.  When I finally picked up my phone, I saw I had a few messages.  Some were from the kids, one from Melissa, one from Rob and zero from Derek.  Scrolling through, none looked like emergencies from my kids, so I opened Melissa’s first.

Melissa:

Take tomorrow off.  You deserve it.  Hope you are doing okay. 

What the hell did he do?

Claire:

No!  I will be here.  Things are fine.

Melissa:

I thought you might say that.  I’m sorry if he did something stupid.

Claire:

He didn’t.  Long story.  We can talk later.  I need to finish up here at work.

Melissa:

Okay.

Claire:

Thank you! 

Next I opened Rob’s.

Rob:

In town today through Saturday.  Care for dinner?

Fuck it.  Why not? 

Claire:

Sure.  Where and when?

Rob answered right away.

Rob:

Truluck’s on University Center?  Heard it’s really good.

Claire:

Okay.  How about tomorrow around 6:00pm?  I’ll meet you there.

Rob:

Sounds good.  See you then. 

It was already Thursday and the day was over.  I could easily work tomorrow, then it would be the weekend again and maybe I’d leave town for a few days.  I packed my things, locked up the office and drove back home.  I had to admit to myself that I was sad Derek hadn’t tried to contact me again.  As much as I hated it, it was a good thing.  We needed to cut ties and go our separate ways.  I just couldn’t understand how I’d let myself get so attached to him so quickly.  I was going to miss him for a long time.

Chapter 21

Derek

How the fuck could my heart feel so ripped apart by a woman I’d only know a few weeks?  I stood there by my front door, just staring at it, hoping Claire would come back.  She didn’t.  Then, as if God was telling me to go after her, I saw her purse and sunglasses sitting in one of the oversized stuffed chairs in my living room.  I could take it to her, but not now.  I didn’t want to push.  So I called and texted her, trying to diffuse whatever angst she was having.  That didn’t work out so well.  I just got impatient and snapped at her, basically saying I was walking away.  What a fucking moron!

It was insane how much I missed Claire.  It had only one been one night…one long, lonely night.  Knowing Claire had to work the next day, I got up really early, carefully climbed into my truck and drove to her house with her things.  I was frustrated and in some pain by the time I got to her front door.  But, I was on those damn crutches just to prove a point to her.  The second she answered her door wearing that stupid sexy robe,
every
part of my body hurt and I was angry with her for telling me we were over and angry with myself for not fighting harder.  I shot my mouth off and immediately regretted it.  Again.  And I needed to apologize.  Again.

Control was in short supply with me.  Claire was bringing out all kinds of mental issues, I’d decided.  Or, maybe I was just crazy
about
her and didn’t want her to walk away from me, ever.  Claire was already mine.  I wanted to protect her, love her, be with her.  I was beginning to feel like keeping Claire in my life, having her to myself was crucial to my own happiness and hers too.  I could feel it.

I called Melissa.  I needed my big sister. 

“Morning, little brother, what’s up?”

“I fucked up.” 

“What happened, Derek?”  Her tone was not soft and kind, but judging and pissed.

“I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth.  We were having a really great time and then in a flash it all went to hell.”

“Explain.”

“Stop getting pissed.  I need someone to talk to, okay?”

“Okay.  I’m sorry.  Tell me what happened.  Maybe I can help.”

“Well, without going into too much detail about my sex life…”  I heard Melissa groan and it made me smile.  “…we had to have the whole condom/birth control conversation and she told me she couldn’t have children.  We’d talked about it once before when she was telling me about her kids and I said I would’ve liked to have had kids when Abbi and I were married, but that Abbi never did.  I told her I’d always wanted that, you know, to be a dad.  It was an innocent statement, but I saw something on her face that just…I don’t know…shut down.  Then, when it came up again out of necessity…”

“Ugh…stop!”  I laughed at my sister’s reaction.

“Just. Listen!  So, when it came up because I’d forgotten to put on a condom when we were having sex…actually, that happened twice…she told me that more kids weren’t part of her future.”  I smiled to myself knowing my sister was rolling her eyes on the other end of the phone and probably making a gagging gesture. 

“Did you really just have to say it out loud for me like that?  Jerk.”  I laughed harder.  “Okay, so what’s the big deal?”

“Well, truthfully, I got a little quiet for a second, you know…thinking about it…when she told me the second time, I’m afraid I didn’t hide my disappointment very well and she saw it.  I know because she shut down, got really quiet.  Everything about her just sort of changed.  It was like she was saying good-bye to me without actually saying it.  She even kept saying shit like ‘I just want to enjoy you as long as I can,’ like we had some fucking expiration date.  Last night’s conversation went south in a hurry when I fumbled my words and hesitating as she was trying to ask me one more time about having my own family.  She left and said she was breaking things off
for me
.”

“Huh.”

“The thing is, I know she has feelings for me just like I do for her, but she’s pushing me away, not giving us a chance.  She said she couldn’t gamble with her heart on the chance that one day I’d want more…like a family.”

“You can understand that, right?  She’s got a good point, Derek.  I actually agree with her.  I know you’ve always wanted kids and you’re 35 years old.  So…and hear me out on this…so, why waste your time with Claire knowing she can’t give you the future you want?  She’s probably scared to death that you’d change your mind one day and she’s lived that nightmare of a life already.  I think she’s doing a pretty fucking selfless thing
for you
and I love her even more for it. She’s thinking about you, Derek.  Pretty amazing woman, don’t you think?”

“Oh, God, that’s what she meant.  I gotta go.  I’ll call you later.”  I started to hang up, but heard Melissa yell my name.  “What?”

“Tell me what she said, asshole.  You can’t just hang up.”

I let out a huge breath.  “She said she would never be second again, even to a dream.  I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but I was sure she was talking about the whole baby thing.  Now I understand.  She was always second.  That asshole never put her first and she thinks I’ll do the same, only it’d be the no kid thing.  I’d resent her and what I could’ve had…putting the dream first.  So, she can’t invest in me.  Too risky.”

“Sounds like it.  I think it’s best you walk away, Derek.  Leave her alone.  I don’t want you to hurt her, even unintentionally.”

“NO!”

“Derek, come on.  It’s not like you guys have been together for years or something.  Chalk it up to a short little fling with a hot girl and leave it there.”  Sometimes I really hated my sister. 

“I have to go.  I’m supposed to be at the station in ten minutes.  Bye.”

I hung up the phone, carefully climbed in my truck and drove to work.  I was tempted to drive by Claire’s house to see if she was still home, but didn’t.  I was afraid I’d see her and fucking lose it.  I needed to think.  So, I didn’t try to call or text.  She needed to go to work and I didn’t want to upset her anymore. 

Maybe Melissa was right.  Maybe Claire was too.  I needed time to sort through all the shit in my head and decide my next move, if there was one. 

I pulled in just as Engine 40 was about to roll out.  I tossed my crutches, grabbed a jacket, and a pair of boots and climbed on board.  A few of the guys raised their eyebrows questioningly.  “Don’t.  Fucking.  Ask.  Just let me ride along, assholes.”  They all laughed and a few clapped me on the back.  I shook my head and immediately felt better among my brothers.

*****

It was a shitty call to ride along.  The warehouse fire at the Silverton Business Center was out of control.  Three people were unaccounted for and I only had minimal equipment on me to help.  Before we knew it, the entire building was completely engulfed and we could hear loud cracks and pops, suggesting the roof was getting ready to collapse.  The call came telling us to get out and all hell broke loose as we scrambled to get every firefighter out of the building. 

I heard someone screamed my name as I hobbled toward the exit as fast as I could.  I knew it was the Chief and he was telling me to move my ass.  I didn’t look back because I could feel the debris…the roof was collapsing.  I ran like hell, thinking only about my beautiful Claire and getting back to her.

Chapter 22

Claire

Nothing.  Not one peep out of Derek.  Not all day Thursday, after the ‘robe’ incident and so far Friday was looking the same.  I’d mentally prepared myself for my chat with Melissa.  I figured she might stop by the clinic on Friday just to check on me.  I was the only person at the office again and after making coffee and checking my scheduled appointments, I sat at my desk letting my mind tick off the items I needed to accomplish for the day.

I heard the back door open around noon and waited to see who it was.  “Hey, there.”  Melissa peaked her head into my office where I was sitting at my desk, eating a bite of lunch.  “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”  She walked in and sat down in one of the two large wingback chairs that sat in front of my desk.  I rarely used them except for the few consultations I had per week, mostly with parents whose kids were needing therapy.  “Here to yell at me?”

Melissa only grinned.  “No.  But did you get my message late last night?”

“Voice message?  No, why?”

“Everything is fine.  Derek is okay.”

“Wait, what are you talking about?”  I felt panic set in and I stood from my chair.

“Hang on, listen.  He rode along yesterday on a fire that got out of hand.  He’s a little beat up, had a few minor burns, but he’s okay.  There was a pretty bad warehouse fire that quickly got out of control.  Freaked the hell out of our whole family when we saw it on the news and couldn’t reach him for several hours.  That’s the thing…we always call to check when we hear of a big fire.  We know all those guys at the station.  They’re family.”  She paused.  “Anyway, he finally called me from a phone at the hospital to let me know he was okay.”  Melissa slowly shook her head and I could see her eyes glistening with tears.  “I hate that shit.  I mean, I knew he was going into the station, but not one family member knew he was mixed up in that fire.  Hell, I was thankful my brother was too injured to be there.  But, wouldn’t you know it, there he was, right in the middle.  And if anything would’ve happened to him…”  She stopped talking and let the tears fall before she reached for a tissue. 

I was stunned.  My heart was pounding out of my chest and I could feel my own tears threatening.  I wanted to bolt out the door and go find him, but Melissa cleared her throat and kept talking.

“If anything would’ve happened to him, we would have been sitting in our cozy little homes without a care in the world, letting him die.”

“How did you find out he went out on the truck?”

“I’d talked to Derek yesterday morning for a long time.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he called me to ask for some advice and at the end of our conversation he said he was headed to the station.  It wasn’t until I heard that Engine 40 was involved, that I called the station.  I’d expected Derek to answer the phone, but some new guy answered and without knowing who he was talking to, he blurted out the names of everyone on the truck.  He even told me some were hurt.  The little fucking moron could have been talking to the press, for all he knew.  He didn’t care.”  She shook her head in disgust.  There was a story there, but I didn’t ask.  “When he named Derek as being one of the ones that was hurt, I freaked out, called our brothers and we all set out trying to find him.  This has only happened one other time since he became a fireman.  It was much worse then, and took a lot longer for us to hear that he was okay.  I hate his fucking job, Claire.  One day, it’s going to take him from us, I just know it.”