Honest Love (15 page)

Derek looked down at my hand, then placed his on top of it and looked back at my face.  “Good.  Me, too.  So, why do you sound so…sad or upset?”

I smiled.  “Stop.  I’m just tired.  Now go.  I’ll talk to you later.”  I had to pull myself together.  Shit!  I knew I was doing the right thing.  He’d thank me one day.  I just knew it.  “Go.”  I pushed his chest and let out a small laugh.  I’m sure he knew it was fake, but he didn’t argue with me.

“Okay, okay.  Got some other hot date or something?” 

“Maybe so.  Now go.”  I was kidding, but he must not have seen the humor because he took a giant step, grabbed me and slammed our chests together. 

“Just to be clear…the answer to that is NO!  No other dates, hot or otherwise.  Only me.”

“Hey, I was kidding, Derek.  But since you brought it up, I think we should just take this a day at a time.  No strings.  See who you want.  I’ll do the same.  Okay?”  He was still squeezing me tightly. 

“NO!  Not okay!  I knew something was up.  You’ve been sitting in that damn car all the way home thinking of ways to walk away from me.  Not.  Happening.  You’re freaking out because you feel something for me just like I do for you.  You’re scared and worried.  Plus, your kids are coming back soon and you don’t know how to handle it all.  Am I right, Claire?”

I stared at Derek, unable to lie, but unable to tell the whole truth.  “Yes.”  His body relaxed a little, but not his death grip on me.  My eyes were begging him to understand.  He kissed my forehead and I laid my head on his chest. 

“Don’t.  You’re thinking too much.  Just let things happen the way they’re supposed to happen.  It’ll be okay.  I promise.”  I tried to take a step back, but he held on a few seconds longer before reluctantly letting me go. 

“Okay.”  That was all I could get out without falling apart.

He cupped my face, leaned down and gently kissed my lips.  “Call you later?”

“Sure.”

“I’m going to miss you the second I get in that car.  Hell, I miss you now and I’m standing right here.”  His words gutted me.  I wished they were true.

“Me, too.”  I was hanging on by a string.  “Now go.”

Still holding my face in his hands, Derek looked deep into my eyes.  “There’s something else wrong.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to find out so we can fix it and move on past it.”  But he wasn’t sticking around to figure it out.  No, he wasn’t fighting to stay, spend the day with me.  He was in a hurry to leave and that spoke volumes to me.

I kissed his lips then smiled.  “Talk to you later?”

“Yes, I’ll call you.”

“Okay.  Get going.”  I shut the door, walked the bottom step of my stairs, sat down and cried. 

Chapter 19

Derek

I didn’t understand what was going on with Claire.  We’d had such a wonderful few days making love, getting to know each other.  Maybe it was me.  I was really quiet on the drive home after I saw the text from Abbi.  She could so easily send me into a major funk if I let her, but she wasn’t going to do it to me this time.  Problem was, I needed to look her in the eye and tell her to fuck off.  That was the only way to make her listen.  In order to do that, though, I’d had to drop Claire off much earlier than I’d intended.  I’d wanted to spend the day with my amazing girl.  But tossing Abbi out on her ass
forever
was crucial if I wanted a life with Claire.  I’d snuck in a text to Abbi while Claire was packing.

Derek:

Back in town this afternoon.  Meet at my house at 3.

Abbi:

Perfect!  Miss you.  Need you.

I didn’t reply.  It was one of her games and I knew it.  I was uneasy with the ‘meeting’ lingering over me.  I was afraid Claire would somehow see my phone and freak the fuck out.  She was timid as it was about starting over and when I’d called her on all that lying bullshit, she’d readily admitted it.  I loved how transparent, how honest she was about her feelings.  It made her so much more real to me.  I was falling in love with her more every day, every time she showed me a piece of her soul.  I could admit it to myself if not to her.  She was my future.  I just wasn’t sure how to get there.  The whole ‘single’ thing was new for Claire.  I’d had a few years to get used to it, but she was struggling, so I knew I had to approach it gingerly. 

And that whole shit about seeing whoever I wanted and she’d do the same was NOT HAPPENING!  I’d nearly spilled my guts right then, but I pulled it together enough to get my point across.  Claire still seemed…
something
…when I left.  But I had to get the hell out of there before Abbi showed up at my house or drove past and saw me at Claire’s.  Abbi knew all my cars and since I was the dumbass that personalized all my plates…well, she’d know it was me in that driveway and Abbi was too much of a loose cannon to let her anywhere around Claire.

I felt so crazed leaving.  It didn’t take a genius to see that Claire needed me…needed my reassurance, my attention, but I left anyway like a fool at the beck and call of my ex-wife.  I prayed Claire didn’t find out and feel like I’d chosen Abbi over her needs.  I wondered for a brief second if Claire did that with Jake.  The thought pissed me off beyond any anger I’d ever felt.  Fuck…they had kids together.  Of course they’d have to always communicate.  At least with Abbi, I didn’t have to have any kind of continued relationship.  Hmm…yeah, I didn’t have to…so why the hell was I doing it now?

I could see Claire in my future.  I wanted a life with her, but didn’t want to scare her.  I wanted a family with Claire, but she was resistant.  I hadn’t pushed to know why, but I wanted kids of my own.  It was a ‘man’ thing.  She was still young, but I just didn’t know how she felt.  What if she said no or couldn’t?  I guess I’d have to accept that.  I mean, if I
really
wanted a life with her, I’d take it any way I could have it, right?  But, I was getting ahead of myself.  First things first. 

I drove two streets over and found Abbi already waiting in the drive.  “Of course…not even two fucking o’clock,” I mumbled to myself.  I parked my car in the garage, climbed out and before I even retrieved my bag, Abbi was at my side.

“Hey, babe, where’ve you been?  I tried to call you last night.”  Even the sound of her voice annoyed me.

“None of your God damned business.  What do you want, Abbi?”  She followed me through the garage door and into my house.

“Don’t take that tone with me! 
And,
I’ve shown up here for the last five years, the day after Christmas, for this little post-holiday fuck!  Why are you acting so weird?”

She was right.  I’d never told anyone about it.  The first Christmas Abbi left me, she’d shown up the day after Christmas Day.  We’d fucked like newlyweds and then she left and it was like a jumpstart to the New Year.  It became an annual thing.  Only this year, I didn’t want her to touch me…I didn’t want her touching me ever again!  I stopped in the kitchen and turned to look at my ex-wife.  “You need to leave.  I’m done with all this.  I’m going to shower and you’d better be gone when I get out.” 

“Derek, what’s gotten into you?”

“Someone you’ll never be.  Now get the fuck out of my house.”  I started to walk away.

“What the hell does that mean?” 

I turned back, walked right up to her and looked her square in the eye.  “Abbi, I have one question for you.  Did you ever want kids with me?  Be honest.”

“Derek…I…well…it’s just…”

“That’s what I thought.  Hey,” I held my hand up to her, “…that’s totally okay.  I didn’t think so.  Just see yourself out.”  She was still sputtering her words, trying to explain when I took the stairs as fast as my knee would let me and slammed my bedroom door, making sure to lock it.  I didn’t trust Abbi not to walk in and try to join me.

I started the shower, undressed and climbed in.  I didn’t give a shit about Abbi.  My plan was to shower, dress and drive back over to Claire’s so I could wrap myself around her all night.  After getting my clothes on, I walked downstairs and Abbi was gone, thankfully.  She was unpredictable and I’d half expected her to still be sitting in the living room when I walked in.  I searched for my phone and decide to call Claire.  Surely, she’d be okay with me coming back over to her house.  It was…after 4pm?  Shit, I must have been in the shower longer than I thought. 

When I found it on the couch, I stared at it, a little confused.  I could’ve sworn it was on the bar when I went upstairs.  I swiped the screen and my heart stopped.  Claire had called and I’d missed it.  As I looked through the history for the time, there were actually two calls from her only minutes apart. 
What the hell?

I touched a few places on the screen and called Claire. 
Ringing.

“Hello.” Thank God, she answered.

“Hi, did you call?  Sorry, I was in the shower.”

“Derek.”  Silence.

“Yeah?  You okay?”  My mind was screaming at me, but I couldn’t decipher what all the alarms were about.

“I need to go, Derek.  I can’t talk right now.”  Her voice was strained.

“Wait!  Why?  What’s going on?”

“Bye, Derek.”  She hung up.  She fucking hung up on me!

I snatched my key off the bar and turned to walk out the door, but stepped wrong and my knee buckled sending me to the floor.  “FUCK!” 

It hurt like hell.  I’d been doing too much, putting too much stress on my very fragile ACL…my second ACL.  I laid there for God knows how long, waiting for some of the pain subside and contemplating my next move.  I needed my brace and crutches.  Of course, both were upstairs in my room.  I felt panic start to set in knowing I needed to get to Claire and see what was going on with her.  But doing that was going to be slow and painful.  I was the biggest fucking moron on the planet.  I thought about calling Claire back.  Maybe I could get her to come help me…yeah, that just might work.  Actually, I’d better text instead.

Derek:

Not sure what is going on, but I need your help.  I fell.  It’s my knee.  Can you come over?

Ten long minutes passed.

Claire:

Is this a joke?  Not funny.

Derek:

NO!  Really…I think it’s pretty bad.

Claire:

Derek, I swear…I’m so pissed at you right now.  So, if this is some kind of game, forgiveness will not come easy, if at all.

Pissed.  What the hell was she pissed about?

Derek:

I’m in too much pain to fight.  Can we talk about why you’re pissed after you help me?

Claire:

Shit!  I’m coming.  Hang on.  Street?

Derek:

Lago Di Grata Circle.  Third house on right.  Front door should be unlocked.

Claire:

Coming. 

If I wasn’t so focused on getting my ass off the floor, I’d probably be more freaked out about Claire being pissed at me.  Later.  We’d talk later.

*****

By the time I heard the front door open, I’d managed to sit against the wall near the kitchen island.  I felt like a total invalid and fucking moron.

“Derek?”

“In here…the kitchen.”  Claire hadn’t been to my house yet, but it wasn’t that hard to navigate.  It was a ‘swing front’ stucco house with too much space for just me.  I bought it thinking that one day I’d have a family.  It was almost an embarrassment now…single guy in a massive house.

I saw her come around the corner and just smiled sheepishly at her.  She gasped.  “What the hell did you do?”  Claire knelt beside me and started gently feeling around my left knee.

I covered her hand with mine, but she pulled hers away.  I quickly snatched it back and held on tight.  “Hey!  What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”  Claire jerked her hand out of mine again.  “Let’s get you up.”  She tried putting her arm under mine so I’d have a little leverage, but I stiffened and refused to budge.  Her body was so close to mine and she smelled good.  I pulled her down on the floor next to me.

She glared at me and I searched her face…really looking at her and could see her makeup was smeared.  She’d been crying.  “I was coming to you.”

“What?”

“I was in a hurry, rushing around looking for my keys.  When I stepped too quickly to the left, my knee gave in.  My crutches and brace are upstairs in my bedroom and there was no way I could make it up there.”

“Why were you coming to me?”  She whispered.

“I saw I missed your call.  When I called you back, you were upset.  You hung up on me.  So, I was going to go to your house to find out what was wrong.”

Claire let out a huff.  “Now is not the time.  Let me help you.  I have plans in a little while, so I need to get back home.”  She was trying her best to be cold, but she didn’t have it in her.

And now I was pissed.  “Excuse me?  Plans?  With who?”

“I’m not telling you.  Let go of me so I can go get your brace and crutches.”

“No, tell me who you have plans with first, Claire.”

“Derek, stop.”  I reluctantly let go of Claire so she could go get my stuff.  I was afraid she might get so pissed at me that she’d leave my ass right there on the floor and go home. 

As she bounded up the stairs, I called out, “Last door on the right.”  She hadn’t asked.

A few minutes later, Claire returned with my things, then stepped into the kitchen and rummaged around until she found a large Ziploc and filled it with ice.  I worked to get my brace on my knee and tried to stand, but it wasn’t easy. 

“Here, let me help you.”  Claire wrapped her arms around my waist and steadied me while I stood.  With the crutches under me and Claire holding onto me, I made it to the couch and let her help position me so I could prop and ice my knee.

“That was harder than I thought it’d be,” I said as Claire stood back, out of my reach. 
Not good.

“Yeah, well next time you
don’t listen
to me and scrap the crutches and brace, call someone else…like your ex-wife.” 
Gasp.