Home is a Fire (12 page)

We both smiled. “Understood,” I said.

“Saul’s?” he asked.

I nodded. “Let’s go!”

Saul’s Sushi was another fine example of the local tradition of wearing our quirkiness with pride. Saul and his wife Rachel owned the only authentic Jewish deli in town, but as the downtown business district slowly died, his customers moved farther and farther west. As a result, Saul saw his business take
a sharp downward trend. A Russian Jew, Saul and his family had arrived in Brooklyn in the early 1940s. He married Rachel and moved to the South to avoid the cold winters, while his relatives relocated west to Los Angeles, seeking year round sun and dreams of the movie business. One summer in the mid 80s when Saul and Rachel were considering shuttering the deli due to too many struggling years, they paid a visit to see their family in Los Angeles, and they were amazed to find teenagers at the local shopping malls eating sushi. Raw fish! Saul’s Jewish Deli wasn’t doing so well, so he bet the bank on a conversion he truly believed in, and Saul’s Sushi was born. The interior was still Brighton Beach, but the menu was Jewish Japanese.

“How y’all doing today?” the hostess asked. “Two for brunch?”

We nodded and she sat us at a two top along the sidewall. “Can I get y’all some drinks before you order?” she asked.

“Yes, please,” I said. “I’ll have one of those Japanese beers.”

“Make that two,” Tommy added, nodding.

“I’ll be right out with those,” she said. “Here’s a look at today’s specials.”

We took a look at the menu and when she came back we ordered an assortment of Saul’s specialties; matzah ball egg drop soup, lox rolls and the potato pancake maki.

“Let’s get some sake?” I asked. “If we’re gonna day drink, we may as well do it right. Excuse me?” I flagged down the waitress. “Can we get a bottle of that unfiltered sake? The one that tastes like green apple. Thanks.” I could never remember the name.

“So,” Tommy started. “What’s up? Wanna tell me about this mystery guy you’re seeing?”

“Not just yet,” I said. “Can we just talk about you? I feel a bit like Hurricane Derek right now. All the news, all the time, 24/7.”

“Well, what do you expect, man?” he said. “You’re kind of like that, sometimes. Kit and Bammy love being a part of The Derek Show.” He took a sip of his beer.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I’m kind of a big deal.”

We laughed and clicked our bottles together. “Tell me about Meredith,” I said.

“Man, she’s awesome.” Tommy smiled, and I could see that it was genuine. He had dated his fair share of crazies. I guess we all had. But it seemed that Tommy had finally found a girl who could balance her crazy between a bit of wild fun and a calm side.

“She’s just cool,” he said. “I feel comfortable with her, and I don’t feel like I have to try extra hard to make her smile or make her happy. I don’t have to think about it. We just kinda fit together well. There’s no drama, no lies, no games. She just tells it like it is, and I appreciate that.”

“I’m so happy for you, man,” I said. “You really deserve it.”

“Yeah, well you do too, you know.” He looked at me with a half smile and said “I know the shit you’ve gone through, too, Derek. I love ya man and I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m good,” I said. “He’s a lot different from David, that’s for sure. But it’s not as easy as you and Meredith.”

“How so?” he asked.

“He’s closeted, obviously,” I said. “I’m just trying to get used to toning The Derek Show down a few notches, you know?
I think I can do it. I’m just too much of a rooster, sometimes. I want to crow, and I don’t want to feel like there’s a collar around my neck.”

“Yeah, I can’t see you doing that forever, but I guess you just have to play it out and see what happens,” he said. “I guess it depends on what you want out of life. What’s ‘good,’ and what’s ‘good enough,’ and how long can you wait for it to get better?”

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about me?” I smirked.

“Oops. My bad,” he said, but I knew he meant well. In that moment I felt extra sorry for straight guys who couldn’t imagine having a gay guy as a best friend. They were missing out.

We devoured our sushi and spent the rest of the lunch talking about movies and music. It’s so good to spend time with a friend who just accepts you for who you are, with no judgment. We’d known each other forever, and that wasn’t going to change.

After our second bottle of sake, we stumbled back to his place. I crawled into the comfy chair and he stretched out on the couch.

“What do you wanna do?” he asked.

“Netflix?” I said. “I think I need some
Always Sunny in Philadelphia
. Charlie is a freak.”

“You got it.” He turned the TV on and we let the remainder of the day slide by, with barely another word spoken.

17

“Swing by around 8 o’clock tonight?” said Luke, his hand resting on the doorframe of my classroom, once again. I was pretty sure that that was as physically close as he would ever get to me while we were on the school grounds.

“Yeah, sure,” I said, smiling up at him. I decided to be brave. “I was thinking, maybe we could hit up a movie tonight?”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he said.

“Luke, it’s just a movie. No one can infer anything from us going to a movie together.”

“Let’s talk about that later, all right?” He was clearly frustrated with me, and I could see it. “See you at 8,” and he walked down the hall.

We were spending more and more time together outside of school, and I was spending a few nights a week at his place, now. Mom was trying to ask questions without being too nosy,
and Barry, I hoped, was keeping a lid on her sleuthing. Bammy was even worse. I knew she knew, and she hated feeling left out, but I had promised Luke I wouldn’t include her, and so far I was keeping my promise. Tommy was just happy I was getting laid.

Me? I was deliriously happy, like a love-struck teenager. Even I knew it was obvious. But Luke and I had our own little trouble brewing, and we were each holding something back from one another. You’re always careful at the beginning of a relationship to make sure you are aware of your partner’s feelings. You don’t want to push and you don’t want to appear as crazy as you really are, but all of the tiptoeing leads to an eventual breakdown in communication. At some point you have to say what you really think and feel, otherwise there’s no use in continuing.

It was clear to me that Luke and I needed to talk. As Tommy pointed out, I wasn’t sure I was okay with just “good enough.” I was frustrated that my boyfriend was afraid to be seen with me in public, and I could tell he wasn’t ready to come out. I wasn’t sure how much more patient I could be, though. We basically only saw each other at his house, and when we were at school he avoided me or treated me with this crazy macho persona that was standoffish, at best. I made a plan, and decided to see if I could pull it off tonight.

“Hey, handsome,” I said, as he answered the door in a towel. “You are wearing far too many clothes.”

He pulled me into his arms and kissed me. “Sorry, babe. Practice ran late and I wanted to get a quick shower in before you got here.”

“Without me?” I said. “I could have joined you.”

“Maybe later,” he smirked, “if you’re lucky. Go on and grab a seat in the kitchen. I have a bottle of wine open. There’s some chili on the stove. Give it a stir for me and I’ll be right out.”

He stepped away from me, letting his towel slip just enough so I could see just the top of that amazing ass. That man knew what he was doing, all right. Yes, I would just have to be patient. But still, I knew we had to start somewhere.

He came out of his room with a pair of tight blue jeans on and a fresh t-shirt. “How’s the wine?” he said.

“Good!” I handed him his glass. “Cheers, babe.” I took a sip and judged the temperature of the room. He was smiling, I was smiling, dare I broach the subject again? “So, listen, I know you’re being… cautious,” I tried to choose my words carefully, “but I was really hoping we could go out tonight, after dinner. There’s a little dive bar on the other side of town where we could go, and I’m sure no one would recognize us. We’ve spent every date night in, and I’d just like to get out with you, you know?”

He held his wine glass tightly in his hand. He had stopped smiling.

“Derek,” he paused. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Where is this place?”

“It’s this little dive bar,” I started, hopefully. “The other side of downtown. Really, no one we know could possibly be there. It’s totally off everyone’s radar. It’s called Bottom’s Up.”

He froze. Was there a reaction in his eyes?

“The gay bar?” he said. “No way. Not gonna happen.” And that was it. End of discussion. I could feel him physically and mentally shutting down before my eyes.

“Luke, no one will see us.”

“I’m not going there,” he said, his voice rising slightly, “so you may as well stop asking.”

“What’s your damage, Heather?” I had to lighten the mood before this got out of hand.

“Enough with that ‘Heather’ shit, all right?” He slammed his glass down. Too late. He was angry. “I don’t get your pop culture references. I don’t watch RuPaul. I don’t want to make out with you in public and I don’t want to go to a gay bar tonight. I have my big game tomorrow, and tonight I just wanted to spend my time with you. Can we just sit down and eat, now?”

I took a deep breath. I went too far. Baby steps, Derek. Baby steps.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “No problem. It’s probably not a good idea to go out before the Homecoming game, anyway. We need you to be fresh tomorrow, right?”

I reached over and kissed him. He didn’t turn me away, but he didn’t exactly melt in my arms.

“We’re okay?” I asked.

“You know we are,” he said, and he pulled my chair out for dinner.

But no, I didn’t know anything. Nothing was certain. Was I fucking it up, after all?

18

I woke up with Luke wrapped tight around me like a pretzel. At some point in the night I had became the “little spoon.” I loved the feel of his arms holding me and the rise and fall of his chest against my back. I had to accept a few realities after last night’s mini fight. Things were really progressing nicely, as long as I accepted the reality of the situation without pushing him. I loved spending time with him, but it was only good for him if we didn’t acknowledge each other in public or go out together to a bar. Yet. But I had faith that that would change.

He began to stir, and I could feel his arms losing their grip, as his hands traveled across my back and a hundred little kisses covered my neck. Who needs a public affirmation when you have this? Or was I just lying to myself?

“Morning, babe,” he said.

“
Mmmm
, nice.” I did love those lips.

“Big day today,” he said. “It’s game day, remember?”

“How could I forget?” I said, and turned to look at him. “Bammy has had every class in school donating ‘a few extra minutes’ to make signs for the Homecoming. Are you nervous?”

“Nervous? No. Excited, yes. I feel confident that we have a good team this year. I have a lot of really good seniors and just as many good junior players. No injuries. It’s definitely not a ‘rebuilding year’ for us,” he said. “I’m counting on us beating Billington this year. It’s not like my job depends on it, but it sure would be nice.”

“Well, if our coach is any example of the shape our team is in, we won’t have any problem at all,” I said, and kissed him, feeling the muscles in his arms. “Go, Commodores.”

“Let’s just hope it goes the right way. Shower?” He sat up.

“You bet, Coach.” And we headed to the bathroom.

Luke and I drove separately to work. I made a stop to pick up coffee on my way, just to make sure I was a few minutes behind him. He hadn’t said anything particularly paranoid, but I could feel that he was hyper aware of being seen together too much, so I wanted to make sure I did my best to ease his mind. Plus, I didn’t want to throw his game off today, considering it was such an important game, indeed. We are always playing some type of game in life, aren’t we?

“Good morning, Miss Mabel,” I said as I walked into the reception area. “Is Bammy at her desk?”

“Now Derek, you know I can’t keep track of all the comings and goings around here. That ain’t my job,” she said, without
even looking up at me. “You know where her office is. Go find out yourself.”

“Miss Mabel, don’t you pretend that you aren’t the one running the show around here,” I said. “Some of us know better.”

She half smiled at me with a quick glance and a raised eyebrow and then went back to her business, staring at her computer screen as if it was all going to make sense to her if she just pushed the right buttons. I saw her differently now, after Barry told me about her and Aunt Janey. I wondered about their story, but I was afraid that I could never ask. We just don’t talk about those things, and our mutual silence on the subject was the most respectful way to proceed.

Bammy was at her desk as I knocked on her doorframe. “Grande latte, Miss Talbot?” I said.

“Oh, bless you, Derek!” she said, hand outstretched to grab the cup. “It has been insane around here this week. I just haven’t had the time to take care of myself. I’m sure I look a right mess.”

“You look beautiful,” I said, as I took a seat opposite her desk.

“Oh, you liar. And you’re not even trying to get into my pants.” We laughed. “Speaking of which, are you ready to tell me whose pants you
have
been into, lately? Because don’t think we haven’t noticed you haven’t been around too much. Tommy says for sure you’ve found a man, and Kit is just an eternal moment of silence. Did you bribe her, or something? What do you have on her?” She put the cup to her lips and carefully sipped.

I rolled my eyes and took a sip, myself. “No, nothing like that,” I said. “Yes, there’s someone, but I’m just not ready to
talk about it, okay? I just need a little space on that.” I tried to change the subject. “And I’ve just been keeping busy with Mom and Uncle Barry. It has been great catching up with them. And you know the Homecoming game isn’t the only thing going on at school,” I reminded her. “The musical goes up next weekend, in case you’ve forgotten.”