Home is a Fire (16 page)

“Come on,” I said. “Beret’s dressing room is downstairs. Follow me.”

“I love this!” said David. “I feel like I’m stepping back into time. This is, like,
so
Southern underground culture.
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
. Amazing!”

We walked slowly down the stairs and I could see light coming from Beret’s room. She had the door closed, so she’s either getting ready or enjoying an after performance cocktail. I tapped on the door but opened it at the same time, without waiting for an answer. That was a mistake.

Beret was standing in the middle of her room, in full sequined regalia. There was a man in a grey pinstripe suit with his back to me, his arms around her in a full embrace. He didn’t turn around.

“Derek!” Beret was surprised. “Close that door this instant!”

“Wait,” said David over my shoulder. “What’s going on?”

I slammed the door shut. “We need to leave,” I said. “Now.”

“But I didn’t see her,” he said. “I didn’t see anything.
No fun
!”

I did. I saw everything. Especially the reflection of the man in the suit in her vanity mirror.

It was Red Walcott, Luke’s father.

24

Thanksgiving was coming up and it was my absolute favorite holiday. The food was the best, and I loved getting together with all the people who meant the most to me. I’d invited the Scooby Gang, but Tommy was going to Memphis to spend time with Meredith’s extended family. They had courageously taken the next step, so unfortunately they couldn’t come. David had flown down from New York the night before. We had officially been back together now for several weeks, and he hadn’t pressured me into making any decisions, but I knew that I had something to say tonight. I only hoped everyone was ready.

Luke and I had fallen into a casual nothingness. I occasionally saw him in the hallways or during the Monday meetings, but I felt nothing. Or at least I convinced myself of that. It had taken plenty of time to get over him, but when someone tells
you to your face that there’s no chance, you lose hope quickly and come to terms with reality. David was my reality now.

Mom was in the kitchen putting all the final touches together. It was going to be a full traditional spread; turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, candied yams, green bean casserole with the little toasted onions, deviled eggs and garlic rolls. She even made her famous peach cobbler for dessert. Just wait until David tried that! I was practically already falling asleep just thinking about the meal ahead. Screw the carbs. Today was an official cheat day.

Bammy and Kit arrived, bottles of wine and extra desserts in hand, and we sat down to watch the parade, live from New York. I missed that city so much. I thought about her every day since I left. People keep asking me how I could leave New York. “I thought my story was done there,” I’d say. But maybe it wasn’t?

David came down the stairs in an atrocious holiday sweater that we found at the mall. He thought it was hysterical and terribly ironic, but no one was comfortable enough with him yet to get in on his fashion joke. I knew they liked him. They had to, because they loved me. But there was still a bit of tiptoeing around him. It would take some time for the Yankee to fit in, but he had been really patient with me, so I owed him my patience, as well.

“Hi, Bammy! You look beautiful!” he said. “And Kit, so stylish, as always. You would definitely fit in in the city,” and he kissed her on both cheeks in the European style. “Where’s Tommy?”

“He’s in Memphis,” I said. “With Meredith’s family.”

“I hate Memphis,” said Bammy, reaching for a carrot stick and dipping it into the Ranch dressing. “Everything is grey, or Elvis.”

We all laughed as we watched the Underdog float head down Broadway. David was squeezed in next to me in the big cushy chair, one arm around me, his other hand holding a mug of coffee and Baileys.

“Remember when we used to go watch them get the balloons ready for the parade?” I said.

“Do I ever. Oh, my god,
this
one,” and he pointed to me, “would get my ass out of bed at four in the morning to hike over to the Upper West Side. The Upper West Side! Behind the American Museum of Natural History. That’s where they blow up the big floats before the parade. Such a kid. He got such a kick out of it. You were like a kid with a behind the scenes ticket to the circus! So fun to watch. You light up so much when you’re happy. You know that? That’s why I love you so much.” He smiled and looked at me, expectedly.

I hadn’t said it, yet. The “L” word. It was coming, I knew it, but it still wasn’t time. I reached over and kissed him on the nose and hoped the moment would pass without too much speculation and analysis.

“Dinner’s ready!” Mom called. Saved by the bell. David hopped off me and we all made our way into the dining room. Uncle Barry had laid out the dining table with the extra sections, so our comfy seating for three now fit the six of us quite nicely. He had done an amazing job, decorating with mini pumpkins and various squash and nuts. The tablecloth was a deep red and there were orange cloth napkins at every place setting. I’m
surprised he didn’t order an ice sculpture of a Pilgrim and a Native American embracing. Speaking of red, we hadn’t said a word about my surprise visit to the Bears’ Club. I had a feeling he was certain that I saw Red Walcott, but things aren’t real in the South if we don’t say them out loud. Besides, I couldn’t even be sure why Red was there. Don’t assume anything, right? And I didn’t want to open that box, either. I knew better. But what I didn’t know at all was how much Luke knew. Nothing at all, I imagined. If I was guessing right about Red, and Luke knew it too, would that have changed the way he felt about us being together? Stop, Derek. You cannot play the “What If?” game anymore. It’s over. You’ve made a choice, and he’s standing proudly beside you.

Mom brought the turkey in and it looked perfectly golden brown. “You’ll be happy to know I did not deep fry it, David,” she said, and we all laughed. “We’re happy you’re here with us today. You too, Bammy and Kit. Now, let’s all hold hands, and Barry, why don’t you start us off?”

Like every family in America, we had our own set of holiday traditions, and for Thanksgiving that meant that before we could eat we all had to join hands and say what we were thankful for this year.

“Happy Thanksgiving, everyone,” said Barry. “This year, as every year, I am extremely happy for my health, first and foremost. Y’all will appreciate that when you get a bit older. I’m grateful for my loving sister, Audrey, my friends at the club, and of course, my handsome nephew Derek. I am so grateful that you came home to us this year. It has been wonderful having you back.”

My mom went next. “I’ll second my brother’s grace and say how thankful I am for my good health. But this year is coming to a close in a most beautiful way. I have my beautiful son back, after years of him gallivanting about. I am most grateful for that. We love you so much, sweetie.”

“Ya’ll are gonna make me cry,” said Bammy. She and Kit went next. They gave thanks for having me back in town, for their health, their families and their jobs. Kit was extra happy to be with Shawn, and I saw the look in Bammy’s eyes when she said that. I hated that Bammy was alone, but I knew that love would one day come for her, too. David was up next, and I held his hand tightly.

“Well, it was a tough year for me, at the beginning,” he began. “I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the spring, but I am grateful for the love and support of some amazing friends back in New York. And now? Oh, my god. Everything. Everything just came full circle, and it feels better than it ever did. Derek, I am so grateful to have you by my side again, even if I’m racking up the frequent flier miles. But I can go shopping with those points later, right? Hello, bonus!
Ha!
But, really. Thank you for giving me a second chance at this. Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Wow,” I said. “Every year I think I’ll be able to do this without crying, but I always get a bit choked up. Mom, Uncle Barry, I am so thankful for having the two of you in my life. I have learned so much from both of you. How to be a better person, how to lead my life as an example, how to treat my friends, whom I love so dearly.” I nodded at Bammy and Kit. “But most importantly, you’ve taught me how to love. And that’s why I
have an announcement to make tonight. Bammy, I love you for taking me in at the school and giving me a purpose when I came home. You have no idea how much I needed that. But now, I can feel I need something else. I’m sorry, but I need to give you my resignation. I’d like to finish the fall term, but after Christmas break, you’ll need to find a replacement for me at the school. I’ve decided to go back to New York, for good. David, what do you think about that? David?”

I think that for the first time in a long time, David was actually speechless.

25

I helped Mom clear the last of the dishes while Bammy, Kit, Barry and David rolled their bodies full of turkey and all the trimmings into the living room.

“Is that everything?” she asked.

“Yes, and it was a fantastic meal, Mom. So good. Thank you.” I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug. “I think we’ll be eating leftovers for weeks, though. No turkey soup this year, promise?” She giggled, but I could see in her eyes that she was sad. She had something to say.

“Sweetie, I’m just a little surprised, but I understand,” she said and placed her kitchen towel on the counter. “This little town couldn’t hold you. I know that. We all knew that. And I can’t make your decisions for you, but are you sure you are making the right choice? I know we don’t talk so much about love
and relationships, but if there’s anything you ever want to talk about, you know I can handle it, right?”

“Mom, I love you…”

“I love you too, sweetie, but? You think I don’t understand, right?”

“Mom it’s just that, everything got so complicated,” I said. “I came down here to clear my mind, but then everything got all twisted up with, well, with this guy, and it didn’t end well.”

“You mean Luke, don’t you?” she said, staring me straight in the eyes.

I looked at her, dumbfounded. How did she know?

“Listen, sweetie,” she said. “I know you think I’m still living in the dark sometimes, but just because I look the other way, doesn’t mean I don’t see or hear things. Barry and I have been friends with the Walcotts for years. Luke’s a handsome man. I don’t blame you. But just because he wasn’t ready, should you dismiss him so quickly? I can see how you and David are together, and if you say that’s what you want, then that’s it. I won’t interfere. But just the mention of Luke’s name, and your eyes light up. And it’s not just your mom who can see that.”

“Mom. I don’t need this. Honestly,” I said, as I could feel my anger building.

“I know, honey. You hate the hard parts. You always have. You thought that coming home would be easy. That all us sweet Southerners just wouldn’t understand the things you’ve had to deal with and we’d just rollover in your presence. But home isn’t always easy, Derek. Home is a fire. All these things that we don’t want to deal with on the surface just build up
inside until they explode. That fire keeps growing, and you have to learn to deal with it. You’ve always wanted to run away when life tries to smack you down. But you can’t keep running away, sweetie.”

I swallowed hard as I could feel my face grow red with anger and frustration. She was right about one thing. I didn’t want to face this right now. Not at all. I stormed out of the kitchen and bypassed the living room, walking out the back door to the porch. The winter sun had already set, and the air was crisp and clean. The leaves had long ago begun their transition from green to shades of yellow and red, and the back yard was a multicolored canvas lit by the floodlights.

I heard the door open behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I didn’t need more of my mom’s faux guidance.

“Hello, Dolly,” Uncle Barry said as he closed the door gently and came to stand beside me. “Your mom’s a little upset in there. I don’t like to see Audrey so sad, you know.”

“Don’t you start, too,” I said, with more than a hint of nastiness in my voice. “I don’t need all this ‘Team Luke’ shit right now, okay? How the hell did she know? Did you tell her? And he didn’t want me anyway, remember? Whatever. I’ve already made up my mind. I’m going back to New York. I want New York.”

“Funny,” he said, quietly. “You want New York. That I understand. But you didn’t say you wanted David.”

I turned to face him, the anger building inside of me. “Fuck you, Barry. Fuck you!” I spit the words like nails. “Just because you couldn’t have Red Walcott doesn’t mean that I’m supposed to chase after Luke so you can live your life vicariously through
me!” It was mean and spiteful, and I was ashamed of my words even as they were leaving my mouth. I could see in his face that I had hurt him, and I felt awful.

He stared straight at me and pursed his lips, slightly downward, his lower lip quivering.

“Oh, Derek. You don’t know half of what you’re talking about,” he said. “Yes. Red was my ‘boy who got away,’ but that was a lifetime ago. People experiment and try things when they are young and sometimes it’s just not for them. We tried. I liked it, he didn’t. Sometimes you are supposed to have experiences that don’t end how you want them to. That’s what makes us who we are. Red and I have been friends, good friends, for years. And good friends support each other. I was there for him when Posy passed, and I’ll be there for him whenever he needs me. You barged in and assumed all kinds of things, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. You want to know why Red was there? He was worried sick about his boy. His lovesick boy. That’s right. Luke got up the courage and came out to him, and Red panicked. He didn’t expect it, and he didn’t handle the situation well. And no, I didn’t tell him that you were the mystery man in Luke’s life. He was there to ask me how to talk to his son, to explain to him that nothing mattered but love. That he’s okay with whomever Luke loves. You can spout your politics left and right, Derek, but the truth is, some of us down here aren’t as backward as you think!”