Home From Within (12 page)

“So are you officially going out?” Marilee asked later in the girl’s bathroom.

“Well, sort of. We have to keep it a secret because of my dad.”

“Do you have a boyfriend, Jessica Turner?”

Jessica’s cheeks turned pink. “Yes.”

Marilee jumped up and down for a few seconds. “This is so exciting. Did you kiss?”

“Ohmigod, no. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a terrible kisser.”

“Remember that party I went to in seventh grade, where I played spin the bottle and kissed a couple of boys? It really was pretty easy. You just peck out your lips, push them on his, and pull away fast.”

Jessica thought about that image. What Marilee was describing didn’t look the same as when she watched those MTV videos, but then again, what did she know? Marilee had kissed at least four boys.

“This sounds stupid but I’ve been practicing on my pillows.”

“Hey, I have a poster of Scott Baio. You could practice on that. You know, get close to his lips and do what I said.”

Jessica liked the idea of practicing on something that had a real face, not imaginary.

“It folds up so you could sneak it in and out easily.”

“Okay,” Jessica said. “Bring it tomorrow.”

In Humanities, Mr. Gambino announced he would give extra credit points to anyone who attended the school musical and brought him a ticket stub. Jessica was pulling an A+ but Paul jumped at the idea for other reasons.

“Tell your parents you have to go to the play because your teacher said so. We could sneak out and go to the mall or my house. Then I’ll walk you home after the play lets out.”

Jessica started to panic again. She was not ready for his house—and he could never walk her home. In fact, he could never know where she lived.

“Paul, you have to promise me you will never, ever, go to my house.”

Paul looked dismayed. “I’m not letting you walk home alone at night.”

“That’s really nice, but you can’t walk me home. I mean it. If you insist, I will not be your girlfriend.”

Paul continued to look at her, confused. “One day your parents are going to find out about me. They always do.”

Jessica did not want to think about that. All she wanted to think about was the now, not the past or the future.

The biggest fund raiser of the year at Heritage High School was the spring musical. The drama department would direct, act, and produce a weeklong Broadway musical. This year’s winner was Mary Poppins. Marilee, who had convinced her parents she could balance sports and drama, had a small speaking part that consisted of less than ten words. Jessica, supportive to the end, said at least it was a start. Next year she could try for twenty.

After praying daily for a week, Jessica mustered up the courage and finally asked her parents if she could attend the play. It took a few apprehensive days but her father okayed the mission, with the caveat that he would drop her off and pick her up.

“I won’t see you for a few weeks because I’m leaving on a business trip. This way we can spend a few minutes together before I go.”

Jessica suppressed her elation over him leaving and she also suppressed her deceit. She had already seen the play. The drama department had a special dress rehearsal and invited classroom teachers who donated their time and talent. One of her teachers helped with costume design, so during Jessica’s computer period she was able to watch Marilee on stage in all her glory.

The night of the play Jessica felt too intimidated to go to Paul’s house, so he convinced her to hang out in an empty classroom rather than sit through the performance. Jessica’s face was pale as Paul, who was enjoying the adventure, tried different doors to discover one that would open, finally twisting an old brass knob that said yes.

A yellow glow from the streetlights shone through the narrow grills in the windows that ran along the wall. As they crept in, Jessica hung behind Paul until he suddenly said, “Yeah, baby.” Jessica poked her head from behind his back and that’s when she saw an old medical table in the corner. Jessica started to get that unsafe feeling again. Here she was with a boy who knew a lot more about everything, in a semi-dark room with a thing they could potentially make out on.

“What’s this room for?” Jessica whispered.

“Don’t know,” Paul said as he guided her toward the table.

Jessica surveyed the room and came to the conclusion that it served as a library at one time but was now storage for old and dying books. “Wow, look at all these books,” she said, trying to distract him.

“Books? Are there books in this room?” he said, walking her closer to the table. She dragged her feet, not wanting to reject him full force. He placed his hands on the table and pulled himself up, then reached over to pull her next to him. Before she could say anything else, his face was inches from hers, his hands cupping the sides of her head.

“Wait,” she said, pulling away.

“What? What’s the matter?”

She looked away from him, trying not to show how nervous she was.

“All I’m gonna do is kiss you . . . okay . . . nothing else.”

Jessica felt worn out from her internal struggle. How would she know if she’s a good kisser if she never kissed a boy? She turned her face back toward his and gave an awkward smile.

He took that to mean “game on” and once again, but a little slower this time, leaned in to kiss her. Jessica pecked her lips forward like Marilee said and for a split second thought,
I’m doing it,
but then the presence of his tongue in her mouth threw her off. She tried not to gag, pretending this was a normal part of kissing. After a few seconds, Paul stopped kissing her and asked, “Have you ever been kissed before?”

Jessica wanted to die. He could tell for sure that she was a fake, a novice, someone who thought kissing pillows and posters would cut it in the real world.

“Sort of,” she mumbled. “Well, I’ve never been kissed like that.”

“I was French kissing you, you know, with my tongue in your mouth. You’re supposed to stick yours in mine.”

Jessica wanted to faint.
So much for being tough,
she thought.

“I don’t know if I can do that,” she said quietly.

“Hey, how do you know until you try . . . and try again?”

“You sound like a twisted version of the little engine that could.”

“If that’s what it takes to get you to kiss me.”

Jessica could not help but smile at him. He looked so beautiful, patiently waiting for her to grow some balls. (She heard that expression at Eddie’s lunch table.)

“I think you can, I think you can, I know you can, I know you can,” he said playfully.

“Okay,” Jessica said.

For the third time, Paul gently held Jessica’s face in his hands and leaned in. This time he kissed just her lips, parting them with his, ever so softly. He slowly pushed his tongue in her mouth and rolled it around, until Jessica felt the rhythm and did the same thing to him. Once she got the hang of it, she thought it was semi-enjoyable. Or maybe it was because it was with Paul. She appreciated that he did not press anything else on her and figured he must know that for tonight, she could not handle one more thing on the making-out program.

The part Jessica enjoyed the most was cuddling next to Paul, just like in her bed with the pillows next to her. They talked about their friends, gossip around school, and a little bit about his family. The part with his arms wrapped around her and her head nuzzled in between his shoulder and neck, feeling the warmth of his body, smelling his freshly washed hair—she realized how easy it would be to fall in love with someone if this was how it started.

Jessica kept obsessive track of the time so she would walk out with the students exiting the play. Paul agreed to walk out after her and not acknowledge her presence.

Her father’s truck was parked right out front, exactly where he dropped her off. As she opened the passenger door to get in, she felt someone staring at her. She glanced out the back of the cab window and saw Paul half a block down. The streetlight shone on him as he walked backwards with his hands deep in his jacket pockets, grinning. She tried to hide her smile, but it was impossible. It didn’t matter though. Her father didn’t even notice.

The last week of school before summer break was full of excitement and energy. Students pasty from the lack of sun were barely able to contain their elation over outdoor freedom—swimming in the neighborhood pool, riding bikes, and hanging out late with friends.

While Jessica appreciated the warmth of summer, and the prospect of spending two weeks with Aunt Lodi, the thought of being in the house most of the time felt like a prison sentence. She would not have five-day-a-week access to Paul, or the empty library so she and Paul could French kiss. She was beginning to really love French kissing and believed she was getting better: B+ for sure. But she could sense Paul edging for the next level. On a few occasions, he tried touching her breasts. Jessica sent his hands away, but she believed he was not the type of boy to keep waiting. The only frame of reference she had was listening in on how girls at school talked about their relationships. Jessica and Marilee would conference about it, and then ask Julie what she thought, but in the end, Jessica was left with making the hard decision alone.

“Look,” Julie said one day while they walked home from school. This was the twentieth time the girls asked her the same question. “You have to decide how far you’re willing to go, and whether the boy’s worth it. I’ve had a few boyfriends, none that deserved having sex with, but that was my decision. And God’s too, because for me, my beliefs play a part in making that decision.” Jessica and Marilee stared at Julie like she held the answer they were finally looking for. “But you can’t make that decision based on
my
beliefs. They need to be your own.”

Jessica had a strong belief in God. Prayer, and not just at night, was a ritual that made her feel better and guided her when times were tough. But Paul was a sticky matter. She knew having sex was something her parents
never
wanted her to do. And it was not like at the moment she was ready for that step either. Having a boyfriend was a brand-new experience, but she began to fear it would become complicated. She was starting to feel like she loved him. And, she was pretty sure he felt the same way too.