Hold On Tight (Take My Hand) (24 page)

“Freedom,”
she answered simply. “For me and Marianne.”

“My…
sister,” I muttered to no one in particular as a peculiar stabbing pain jostled
around my chest.

“She
wants to meet you… before we leave.”

“She
knows about me?” I quizzed, the surprise making me stumble back a step. “Wait…
leave? Leave where?” So, she was planning to dump a sister on me and then whip
her away from me before I could even get to know her?

“I
have a sister in Phoenix. We’re going to stay with her.” Phoenix? That’s the
other side of the country! I could feel the too-familiar fizzes of anger begin
to bubble deep inside me. Why? I had no freakin’ idea. I’d never met this young
girl, Marianne, yet I already felt some kind of bizarre fondness for her.

“For
how long?” I snapped acerbically.

“Indefinitely.
I’m sorry if that upsets you…” Does it
upset
met? I thought curiously to myself. Yes. For some inexplicable reason, yes
it does. “But we can’t stay here. Too much has happened… too many memories.” I
understood the point she was making, but that didn’t mean I had to be happy
about it.

“So…
she wants to meet me? Marianne?” I felt an overwhelming eagerness to meet her
too – this girl I didn’t know existed until a few weeks ago. Weird, huh?

“Yes.
I told her she had a brother last night, after Kevin left. She took it better
than I thought. She may only be twelve, but she’s got an old head on those
shoulders of hers. She’s witnessed too much in her short life to allow her the
experience of a true childhood.”
I know
the feeling,
I thought, but managed to refrain from saying. “I’ve always
tried to keep as much as I could from her, but-”

“Believe
me you won’t have kept shit from her,” I couldn’t help spit out. “Kids see
everything
.”

“I
know that’s probably true,” she uttered guiltily. There is no ‘probably’ about
it, but I let it go. “I think she already feels some kind of connection to
you.” She sounded saddened by that fact. “She seemed to know instinctively that
you’d witnessed some of the same things she had before I’d even told her. I
think… well I think she likes the idea of having a big brother to share things
with.”

Whoa
there… This shit was getting way too serious way too fucking fast. This young
girl was looking for someone to look up to. Someone responsible, wise… someone
to support her. She was looking for a big brother – like Chris is to
Emily. A rock.

I am
in no way ready for that shit.

Am
I?

“I understand
if you don’t want to play a big part in her life. You don’t even know her. But…
I’d appreciate it if you could at least meet her. She’s a sweet girl. She
deserves a chance to meet her brother – her flesh and blood.”

Wow.
Way to make me feel like a cunt in ten seconds flat. It felt like she was
begging me – almost as if she was trying to ‘sell’ me the idea of meeting
my own freakin’ sister.

“It’s
not that. I
do
want to meet her. I
just… well I doubt I’m the strong big brother she’s expecting… or deserves.”

“I
know about your struggles, Dexter,” she said, sounding almost compassionate. I
wondered how much Aunt Sarah and Emily had told her but then realized she
probably had access to a rap sheet longer than her arm on me. “And to be honest
it scares the hell out of me that Marianne might feel so alone with the things
she’s been through that she takes a similar path. So, I guess I’m hoping… that
if you allow her to build on this connection she already feels with you… it
will give her some sense of resolution… of strength… peace”

Jesus…
pressure much?

“You
can do that for her, Dex,” Emily assured, placing her tiny hand on my shoulder
and squeezing gently. “You’ll be an amazing big brother.”

“I’ll
try,” I said. That’s all I
can
do,
right? Give it my best shot. I decided in that moment I would add it to my
list… then it will
have
to happen.

“Thank
you,” Patricia said, sounding genuinely… grateful? Relieved? “We leave next
Thursday. Can we arrange something before then?”

“Umm…”
Did she know I was in rehab?

“If
you can’t get another day-pass from the clinic, I can bring her there?” Clearly
she did.

“I
never mentioned Dexter being in the clinic,” Aunt Sarah piped up.

“No.
You didn’t. But… I felt it only right that I ran some checks before I
introduced him into my daughter’s life.” If it didn’t make perfect sense I
would’ve been pissed. But how could I argue with a mother wanting the best for
her little girl? Sure, I’m not convinced the best is
me
, but maybe it’s time I started taking notice of whatever those closest
to me think. Let’s face it, my own instincts haven’t treated me too well so
far.

“I
can be wherever you need me to be. I intend to stay until I’ve completed my
program, but I can leave for the day whenever I want.”

“Well
I think it’s best we stay clear of the house. I don’t feel comfortable going
back there. It’s on the market now, and I plan to stay in a hotel until we
leave next week. If you don’t mind, I would like to bring her here.”

That
was fine by me but I looked to Aunt Sarah for confirmation. This was her place
after all.

“I
don’t mind at all,” Aunt Sarah agreed.

“Thank
you. I am so very grateful… to
all
of
you. I take responsibility for the part I played in everything Kevin has put
you through and… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t
ever be sorry for being afraid. I would hate to think my sister blamed herself
and so I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to either,” Aunt Sarah answered.
Probably for the best. I’m useless with compassionate crap.

“That’s
very gracious of you, Sarah. I’ll be in touch soon. Most likely tomorrow. But
now, I must get back to Marianne. She’s with a friend but I don’t want to be
away from her for too long just now.”

It
wasn’t until Patricia backed up a little towards the door, I realized we were
all still standing in the same half circle where we first greeted her. Not one
of us had moved an inch.

“Where
is he now?” I asked as Patricia adjusted the strap of her purse on her
shoulder. “My father?”

“I
don’t know,” she confessed, the flicker of fear still burning brightly behind
her eyes. “If he plans to leave Ohio, I don’t think he has yet. I’ve left him
with nothing. He’d be lucky to afford a cab to City Hall.”

“And
you really believe he’s gonna let this drop?”
 
I quizzed, dumfounded. I couldn’t see it
myself.

“You
have no idea what the people after him are capable of. Your father is a coward.
He won’t risk them finding him.” I nodded in hesitant agreement. “I’ll call you
tomorrow,” she reiterated to Aunt Sarah. Then, with a soft, grateful smile,
Patricia turned and left.

“Well,
holy fuck,” I choked out.

“Yeah.”

“Yes,”
Aunt Sarah and Emily agreed in unison. “Holy fuck indeed, honey.”

~Emily~

“
So
how’d it go?” Jeff
asked, seemingly addressing both of us as his eyes swept over Dexter and me in turn.
He was referring to Dexter’s ‘night out’. Jeff had called this morning and
asked if we could all come back to the centre with him and attend a session
together. Sarah had to work, so it was just the two of us.

“Good,” Dexter answered. “Great, actually,” he added with the kind of
beaming smile I’d missed so much on his beautiful face.

“Okay, so getting laid aside… how was everything else?” Dexter shook his
head and bit down on his top lip to stop himself from laughing. Me? I went
London Bus red.

“Well,” I began. “We had a visit from Dexter’s… would you class her as
your stepmum?”

“No. I most certainly fucking wouldn’t,” Dexter fired back. Jeff propped
his elbows on his desk and leaned forward, appearing suddenly very interested.

“Soooo?” Jeff probed when the room fell uncomfortably silent. “What
happened? She have word on your dad?”

“He’s left apparently. Don’t know where he is and I don’t care. But… she
wants me to meet my…
sister.
Fuck
that still sounds so freakin’ weird.”

“And you don’t want to?”

“No, I do. It’s just… “

“You think she deserves better than you,” Jeff answered for him.

“Well doesn’t she?”

“Why does she? Sounds like a spoilt little mare if she thinks she’s so
special she can’t possibly have anyone with flaws in her life.”

“She doesn’t think that,” Dexter spat. “She’s just a kid.”

“Ah, so you’re surmising again,” Jeff pointed out with what I suspected
was intended patronisation. “So this is
your
issue, not hers.” And just like always, the point Jeff was trying to make
became apparent.

“God you can be an irritating bastard. You know that right?”

“I live for it,” Jeff beamed with a mischievous grin. “Though, you
wouldn’t find what I’m saying irritating if you thought it wasn’t true. I know
you, Dex… you’d argue with me. You only toss the insults around when you know
you’re coming up short. When are you meeting her?”

“Tomorrow I think. Patricia’s taking her away next week. For good.”

“So tomorrow’s goodbye?” Jeff asked. “For good?”

“Don’t think so,” Dexter answered. “I think it’s intended for us to have
a relationship entailing the odd letter, cards at Christmas… that kinda thing.”

Dexter and Jeff spoke for a little while longer about his impending meet
with his sister. By the end of it Dexter was shedding a whole new light on the
situation. As usual Jeff had managed to wheedle his thoughts in a more positive
direction without
actually
telling
him how to do it. I didn’t believe in magic until I met Jeff. But if he’s not
got supernatural powers then I’m the pink bloody Power Ranger.

Looking at his watch and deciding we’d covered enough for today, Jeff
stood up ready to see us out of his office.

“Wait,” Dexter called. Jeff sat back down and nodded his head. “I just
feel like I should put this out there. You know, be honest and all that shit.”

My stomach flipped.

“We’re all ears, mate.”

“The first thing that entered my head when I found out my dad’s wife was
coming over… was scoring a bag of shit.”

I was totally exaggerating a second ago.
Now
my stomach flipped. And by flipped I mean catapulted from my
body and into a pool of acid.

I opened my mouth to… I don’t know, reply? Gasp? Vomit? But Jeff beat me
to it.

“So why didn’t you?”

“Lots of reasons,” Dexter shrugged.

“Care to elaborate?”

“I’m getting to that! Christ, dude… ever heard of a little patience?”

“Nah. Patience bores me. So hurry the fuck up, eh?” Jeff replied,
tapping his finger against his watch. Despite the confession that had just left
Dexter’s mouth, I managed a small chuckle.

“Firstly, although I wanted it for a few minutes… and that’s all it was
– a few minutes,” he repeated, looking straight at me with insistent
eyes. “I didn’t
need
it. Then I
thought back to that day on the bench and the satisfied gleam in my dad’s eyes when
he saw me…”

“What day on the bench?” I interrupted. Dexter went on to explain a run
in with his father while I was back in England. Hatred for his father and guilt
for leaving Dexter alone battled away inside me until Jeff gave me a
reprimanding look as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

“Accept it,” Jeff mouthed while Dexter gathered his breath.

“And move on,” I muttered to myself.

“So anyway,” Dexter continued. “I don’t ever want to give him a reason
to look so fucking pleased with himself again. I don’t
want
to be the failure he always thought I would be. I
won’t
be that person… I won’t give him
the satisfaction.” Does it make me a really selfish and egotistical bitch that
I couldn’t help feeling a little hurt he’d not mentioned
me
as one of his reasons for staying strong, rather than just a
determination to prove his father wrong? “Then of course, there’s this girl
right here,” he said with a smile so genuine, so contented… it made my bottom
lip wobble.

So never mind about the selfish and egotistical question… the answer is
yes. I should’ve had more faith in him. Remind me to add patience to my New
Life list when I get home…

“I won’t let you down again, doll. I’m glad Aunt Sarah isn’t here
because I know this is gonna make me sound like a selfish piece of shit when I
say this, but… I feel like I’ve finally got something to live for. Not just
survive for…
live
for. I want a life
with you, Emily. I want a house filled with all your girly shit. I want friends
that come round for dinner only for them to fuck it up again…” My heart panged
at the memory of my and Rachel’s Thanksgiving disaster dinner. I miss her.

“I want to come home from work and feel you up while you’re doing the
dishes. I want to argue over whether we get a leather or fabric couch. I want…
I want a
family
. I want a family with
you
.” Holy crapballs was he talking
about children? “Yes, doll. I want babies with you,” he added. Clearly my face
portrayed the astonishment I felt inside. “Loads of them. I want to watch them
grow inside you. I want to help you take care of them. I want us to give those
babies everything we never had. And with you as their mom, they’ll be the
luckiest babies in the world.”

Okay so this had turned into one of those rare moments where if I wanted
to continue breathing… I needed to swear.

“Holy fuck.”

“You know, you might wanna get her opinion on that first, mate,” Jeff
interjected, smirking at Dexter. Hold up… did Dexter just… Oh my God he so did…

“You’re blushing!” I pointed at him and everything. There was no way I
was letting this monumental moment go unnoticed.

“I just want it so bad, doll. All of it. But… it scares the fuck outta
me that even though it was only for a few minutes, I still wanted to score last
night.” The smile on my face dissolved in an instant. I had no idea how to
respond to that because the truth is, I don’t ever think I will understand what
he’s been through. So, I looked to Jeff.

“You always will, Dex. That’s never going to go away.” Dexter’s neck
jerked back in disbelief. “No point in lying to you, mate. You know the score…
pardon the pun… there’s no cure for addiction.”

“I’ve never really stayed clean for any length of time. I’ve never felt
this kind of determination before now. I guess I was just hoping, the more time
that passed…” Dexter trailed off, giving up on whatever he was about to say.

“Well it’s been eight years for me it’s still the first thing I think of
when shit hits the fan.” I’m pretty sure I actually gasped, but I was too stunned
to be certain.

“What do you… are you saying… are you…”

“What? You think people with decent jobs can’t be recovering addicts?
You think the fact you screwed everything up once in your life means you can’t
make something of yourself?”

“Well… no. I’m just surprised that’s… actually that’s bullshit. Yes. Yes
that’s exactly what I thought.”

“And do you see me different now? Think I’m scum?”

“Fuck no! Why would I?”

“Because that’s what you expect others to think of you when they find
out.” There he went again – twisting things, making sense. And I could
tell by Dexter’s suddenly furrowed brow, his thought process was in the middle
of changing.

“What stops you from giving in? What stops you having ‘just a little’?”
Dexter asked curiously.

“Oh come on, mate you know as well as I do there’s no such thing as
‘just a little’. You see, the trouble with coke, or heroin in my case, is it’s
a little bit moreish. Like biscuits. If you don’t want to get fat, don’t risk
going for that first biscuit.” Dexter and I both laughed. This guy is so cool.
He’s so casual, sometimes even flippant…yet at the same time you know he takes
what he does
extremely
seriously. And
he does it well.

“Yeah. It’s
just
the same as
eating too many cookies,” Dexter mocked, unable to stop his lips turning up
into a smile. “So how do you get past that? How do you stop yourself reaching
for that first cookie?”

“Changes every time,” Jeff replied. “It will for you too. You can’t plan
when the craving’s going to hit you therefore you can’t plan what will give you
the strength to tell it to get fucked. And if you spend your life trying to
figure it out… waiting for it to happen, you’ll just be bloody miserable.
You’re an addict, Dex. Accept it…”

“And move on,” Dexter and I both finished for him.

“You know that’s starting to creep me the fuck out,” Dexter announced.
“It’s like we’ve joined some kind of freakin’ cult.”

“But you also know I’m talking sense. Think about it… if you never take
a step forward, you’ll always stay exactly where you are.”

“You’re doing it again,” Dexter said, raising an eyebrow at Jeff. “The
walking textbook thing.”

“Yeah well, I’ve got to use some of the shit they teach us at Med school
or they’ll fire my arse.”

“You can be such a douche sometimes,” Dexter mocked, shaking his head
and chuckling.

“A genius douche I think you’d agree?”

 
“I’ll let you know the
answer to that when you discharge me.”

“You know, Dex? I think we’re almost there.” I glanced towards Dexter
and saw the blood crawl from his cheeks and pool around his broad neck.

“You… you do?” he asked – his gruff voice stuttering in disbelief.

“Don’t underestimate how far you’ve come. You’ve really fought this
time, Dex. You’ve done everything I’ve asked of you and offered even more. And
just because you’re leaving here doesn’t mean the work stops. I won’t be
letting you get away that easy, mate.” Reassurance swam through my veins,
calming the rapid beat of my heart. It felt good to know Dexter would have
someone ‘on the outside’ so to speak, who truly knew what they were doing.

“What about when we move back to the UK?” I asked nervously, worried
that balloon of reassurance I’d just inflated was about to be popped. Sarah had
her work permit and Chris had narrowed his home search down to two flats and a
terraced house. He’s emailing the details over later today. Obviously the UK
has therapists, doctors and drug counsellors and whatnot, but I doubt a single
one of them will be able to get through to Dexter the way Jeff has.

“I’ve got colleagues there I can pass you both on to. It’s not just Dex
remember… don’t forget to keep working on
you
.
You’ve not mentioned the nightmares during our last few sessions. How’s that
going?”

“I haven’t had any. And… well since I decided you were right, and that I
intend to talk to my parents about what happened, I feel a lot more positive
about everything,” I admitted honestly. I’m nervous as hell about that
conversation but nevertheless I know it’s a discussion that
needs
to happen.

“See? I really
am
amazing,” Jeff
winked. “And so are the guys I’m going to put you in touch with back home. I’ve
been through Dex’s history. I know about the treatments he’s received in the
past and how he’s responded to them…”

“I’m right here you know,” Dexter interrupted.

“Pipe down, arsewipe,” Jeff mock-scolded. “As I was saying,
Emily…
” he flashed Dexter a
what-you-gonna-do-about-it look while he made a point of accentuating my name.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly into the whole conventional
therapy scene, and neither are the guys you will meet in the UK. I’m not saying
other ways are wrong, just that I don’t think that’s the way forward for
Dexter. Mainly because… my way is better.” A smile crawled up just one side of
Jeff’s face. He has a cracking sense of humour and he knows it too.