Hold On Tight (Take My Hand) (19 page)

                           
~Dexter~
   

Round
two of the tear fest was fast approaching
– Aunt Sarah was on her way. Emily hadn’t left my side since she arrived.
Her hands have been permanently attached to some part of my body or clothing
for hours and I was terrified of the moment when she would eventually have to
let go.

“You
know, you’re gonna need to pee soon,” I teased, twisting those fiery-red curls
I’d missed so much with my fingers as we snuggled up on the plush red couch in
the dayroom. Visitors aren’t allowed in patient’s bedrooms which is the only
thing about this place that makes it feel like a damn prison.

“Then
you can come with me,” she breathed, sighing contentedly. “You can help me pull
my knickers down.” Her little head bobbed up and down against my chest when I
started laughing –
really
laughing.
A wholehearted, side-aching, throaty laugh erupted from deep within my insides.
It had been so long since I’d even smiled and I’d forgot just how amazing it
felt.

“Did
I miss something?” Our heads snapped up in unison to the sound of Aunt Sarah’s
voice. Emily peeled herself from my body to allow me to stand and as I did I
looked at Aunt Sarah – and I mean
properly
looked at her – for the first time in months. She was thinner, her
eyes were dark – her skin pale… almost grey.

Ah
fuck. I was only a heartbeat away from bawling my eyes out.

I blinked
the tears that were sitting precariously on the brink of my eyes away and
forced out a manly cough in an effort to disguise what a fucking pussy I was
being.

Yeah,
that lasted all of two seconds.

“I’m
so fucking sorry,” I declared, sprinting forward and throwing my arms around
Aunt Sarah. I heard her sigh into my ear and she gripped me tighter.

“I’ve
missed you, honey,” she whispered – her voice tender… comforting. “Your
therapist seems…”

“Crazy?”
I finished for her as she pulled slowly out of our hug.

“Different…”
she added, raising one eyebrow and smiling. “Do you think he can help you?” she
asked cautiously, seeming nervous of my answer.

“He
already is,” I stated honestly. She let out a relieved breath and took hold of
my hand in both of hers. “How the hell are you affording this place?” I asked
because I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The air turned thick and serious in a
nanosecond, leading me to believe I wasn’t going to like her explanation.

“It
doesn’t matter how. All that matters is that you get better.”

“How?”
I demanded, feeling more uneasy by the second.

“I’ve
got some savings stashed away,” she lied.

“No
you don’t. Any savings you had went into Mom’s medical bills. So tell me,
how
?” I growled, the anger I felt showing
through the color of my cheeks. I had visions of her begging some dodgy shark
for a loan she’d never be able to repay. If she got herself in such deep shit
for
me
… I’d never forgive myself.

I
caught Emily throw a subtle nod Aunt Sarah’s way like she was in on this
fucking secret too. I stepped back, flipping my eyes back and forth between
them.

“Tell
me!”

“Patricia.
Your father’s wife,” Aunt Sarah confessed guiltily, looking to the floor. So
that’s what time standing still felt like? I backed away another few steps. My
fists were balled tightly by my sides and then I shoved them in my pockets to
stop them lashing out at the nearest wall.

“Let
us explain, Dex,” Emily said calmly, reaching out to touch my arm. Feeling
rigid with anger I instinctively tried to shrug away from her, but then I saw
the hurt in her big blue eyes and I melted. Taking one hand from my pocket I
reached out to her and cradled her hand in mine. Then, forcing a long, pent up
breath from my lungs I nodded my head.

Emily
and I sat back down on the red couch and Aunt Sarah sat opposite on the other
side of the oblong pine table in the matching red armchair. Another one of
those ‘we know something he doesn’t’ looks crossed between them and I had to
take purposeful breaths not to let that piss me off.

“So?
Is someone gonna tell me what the fuck is going on?” Okay, so it seems the
purposeful breaths didn’t do jack to calm my irritation.

This
time it was Aunt Sarah doing the nodding thing – code for ‘you go first’.
It was probably a wise decision. Nothing ever sounded quite as bad when it was
being told in Emily’s sweet, British voice.

“She
gave Sarah some money… money your dad doesn’t know about.”

“Why
the hell would she do that?” I snapped. “And why the hell would you
take
it?”

“I
think she feels guilty. I think it’s her way of apologizing.”

“This
is unbelievable,” I said on a heavy exhale. “That doesn’t explain why you took
it.” I turned my attention to Aunt Sarah. It was
her
who accepted the money and I wanted to know what the fuck she
was thinking. “So what… you’ve accepted her worthless apology? We all BFF’s
now?”

“Dexter,”
she began. I didn’t like how soothing her voice sounded. I wanted to be pissed
off at her. “She’s in the same situation he put your mom in for all those
years.”

“What
are you saying? That he beats her too?”

“Yes.
Everything she did… everything she’s done… she’s afraid of him, Dex.”

“So…
I’m supposed to feel sorry for her?” I spat, knowing that I sounded like a
heartless bastard. Then I huffed in frustration and dragged my fingers through
my hair. I was annoyed with myself because I
did
care. I
did
feel
sorry for the woman. But I sure as hell didn’t want to. “Sorry,” I muttered
quietly.

“She’s
got this whole plan worked out,” Emily joined in. “Your dad… the reason he
faked his own death is because he got himself in trouble with illegal money
lenders. She helped him out of it… faked some evidence, deleted some files,
that kind of thing. She’s threatening to bring it all forward if he doesn’t
leave her and Marianne alo-”

Emily
cut herself off with a small gasp.

“Who’s
Marianne?” I asked, confused by Emily’s suddenly nervous disposition.

“She’s
um…” she stumbled. Her face was glowing brighter than her hair and I knew
instantly she had planned to keep whoever this secret woman is from me.

“She’s
your half sister,” Aunt Sarah finished for her. I stood up from the couch,
straightening my back to give my lungs more room as they struggled to fill with
air.

“My…
sister
?” My hand flew to my stomach.
It felt like I’d been kicked there repeatedly. “I have a
sister
?”

A
sister?

“Have
you met her? How old is she? Does she know about me?” I fired out only a tiny
fraction of the endless questions racing through my mind.

“No
I haven’t met her. No she doesn’t know about you. And… she’s twelve.”

“Twelve?”
Fucking twelve! “So the sick bastard would beat the shit outta my mom and then
storm out to go and fuck the mother of his other kid?” I felt sick to my
stomach.

“It’s
not
her
fault, Dex. Don’t let the
anger you feel for your father cloud how you feel about her. She’s just a kid,”
Aunt Sarah argued. “And she’s your
sister
.”

Fuck.

“So
what happens now? Do I get to meet her? Or is that not a part of this little
plan you’ve all got going on?”

I
know what you’re thinking… And you’re right – I was being a total
jackass. But Jesus Christ, will my life
ever
stop throwing giant fucking bombs of shit my way?

“I
think Patricia would rather wait until she knows your dad’s out of the
picture,” Emily piped up.

“Oh
of course, we must do whatever it takes to make life easier for the mistress,”
I replied sarcastically.

“Dexter…”
Emily only said my name but her tone told me it was a plea. She was begging me
not to lose it.

“I’m
sorry, doll,” I said genuinely after a brief moment of reflection. “It’s just a
lot to take in.” it dawned on me that I was pissed because they’d kept it from
me. But then I remembered the fact I’d been too busy shooting up and blocking
everyone out to give a fuck what anyone else was up to lately. Even if they’d
wanted to tell me, I wouldn’t have let them.

Calm
began to descend upon us – or rather on
me
 
- after that moment.
We all sat down again and started talking about trivial shit. I for one was too
afraid to carry on the sensitive topic of me having a sister. Actually fuck sensitive,
it was more like a raw, gaping wound drowning in a solution of salt and
vinegar. I needed to talk with Jeff about that at some point today.

“I’m
going to take off,” Aunt Sarah announced after twenty minutes or so. “Give you
kids some more time alone.” I stood up to hug her goodbye and ended up holding
her a little longer than intended. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed this
– missed
holding
someone…
someone holding
me.
“Keep going,
honey. You’re doing great,” she whispered in my ear. I didn’t want to make any
promises knowing that I’d only ever fucked them up in the past, so instead I
squeezed her a little closer and kissed the top of her head. Then, after
pulling away and saying her goodbyes to Emily, Aunt Sarah went home.

“Come
on,” I said, turning to Emily and holding my bent arm out for her to link. “Let
me give you a guided tour before you head home.” Smiling, she bent down to
scoop her tan jacket and purse off the floor. Sweet baby Jesus, the sight of
her perfectly plump little ass in those tight jeans had my dick having a full
on seizure in my pants.

What
? I might be
fucked in the head and coming down from a three month long cocaine binge but
I’m still a man.

I
was pretty sure I wasn’t allowed to give her a tour without permission but I did
it anyway. I took Emily outside to the pool area first. We walked around it,
hand in hand, a couple of times before I led her back inside and to the gym.
Her eyes were wide all the way round and she joked maybe it was worth becoming
an addict just to take a vacation in this place. Next I took her to the dining
room before having a good look around for staff, seeing there weren’t any and
dragging her down the long stretch of hallway and to my room.

Emily
giggled when I pulled her into my room, flooding my ears with my favorite sound
in the world. She soon stopped however when she saw Freya sitting on the end of
my bed.

“Oh
um, hey, Freya,” I said – feeling confused and awkward. Emily looked at
me warily but when I squeezed her hand she smiled. She trusted me –
whether I deserved her to or not.

“She’s
not allowed in here.” She shot Emily one of the filthiest looks I’ve ever seen
– and I know Snickers.

“You
okay?” I asked quizzically, wondering what the hell was wrong with her.

“I
should get going,” Emily muttered nervously. Confrontation made her anxious and
the way Freya was glaring at her made it pretty clear that’s what was about to
happen.

“She
talks funny,” Freya mocked, presumably referring to Emily’s British accent.

“Freya
seriously, what’s going on with you?” I wanted to bark ‘what the fuck is your
problem’ but upon noticing how vacant and glassy her eyes were I started to
worry. Freya shrugged petulantly and folded her arms across her chest. “I’m
going to see Emily out,” I told her. Maybe she was sick – migraine or
something. “Wait there.”

Ushering
Emily out of my room I offered an apologetic smile. I waited until we’d called
a cab from reception and reached the double doors before trying to explain… not
that I knew
how
to explain – I
had no idea who the fuck had pissed on Freya’s breakfast.

“Who’s
she?” Emily asked when we stepped outside. I expected her to sound pissed but
instead she sounded… I don’t know… concerned?

“She’s
a friend. Sort of,” I answered. “She’s been through a lot of bad shit. Guess everyone
in here has though. She’s normally pretty cool I don’t know what’s eating her.
She’s never been in my room before,” I felt obliged to add. Emily nodded,
seeming appeased yet no more enlightened by my response.

“Thank
you for coming today,” I breathed, closing my eyes and savoring the warmth of
her hand in mine. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d told me to go fuck
myself.”

“That
never even entered my head. I’ve missed you so much. You’ve no idea how happy I
am that you’re ready to come back to me. I’m still terrified though, Dex. I
don’t think it will ever be possible for me to stop loving you, but loving you
has been harder than I ever could’ve imagined.”

I
sighed guiltily. I never thought it was possible for your heart to sink so low
it felt like someone was playing the drums in your ass until that moment.