Hitman's Captive: A Bad Boy Romance (52 page)

“What
the hell, Seth?! We talked about that - I said I was okay with it—”

“You
can’t just say that! You don’t know. It’s one thing now, but…years down the
line, when you have kids depending on you and you’re waiting for me to come
home—and it never happens…”

Her
face softened momentarily, and somehow that made everything worse.

“Is
this because of—”

I
couldn’t hear it.

“Fuck.
No. Yes. It just made it obvious. I can’t do that to you, Bella. I’m sorry. I
should have known, and I was stupid—”

“Damn
it Seth, you’re being stupid now! It’s my decision—”

I
shook my head sharply.

“No.
I’m not doing that to you. I’m sorry, I won’t do it. Forget this - fix your
relationship with your father. This was never going to work.”

She
stared at me as if I was insane, and it tore me to pieces inside, but I stepped
back.

Every
part of me was longing to press forward, to kiss her and hold her even if only
for one last time. But if I did that, I was lost.

Hell,
if I wasn’t lost already.

I took
one last look, memorizing every beautiful line of her face before turning and
striding away, leaving her shell-shocked enough to let me go.

Chapter Twenty Four

Bella

I have
no idea how long I stood there, the outline of his form still burned into my
eyes as I looked out at the harsh waves, even though I knew I was completely alone.

Utterly
alone.

In a
way I’d never felt - or realized - before.

I
think I thought he’d come back.

He
couldn’t just
leave.

And I
couldn’t process any of it, couldn’t think, couldn’t feel…it was all beyond me.

So I
stood there, staring out at the crashing waves and wondering what on earth had
just happened.

My
Seth.

My
fierce, indomitable Navy SEAL.

I’d
never seen him looking so weary, so defeated.

I
thought of Ryan - the faceless man I’d never met, but whom I felt I knew - and
for a moment, I thought I felt something.

Then
it was gone, locked down with every other thought or feeling as I stood there
and the waves crashed again.

And
again.

Unremitting.
Unrelenting. Endless.

The
sound of the surf was almost soft, a slight murmur in the night as I stood alone.
And waited.

As the
slight chill and the inactivity began to seep into my bones, I think I realized
that he wasn’t going to come back.

That
he’d left me here. Like this.

A few
days before my father’s wedding.

A
night after I’d thrown that relationship away.

For
him. For us.

It hit
me then, and I could have screamed. I wanted to. It built in me like a crushing
force, but the last thing I wanted right now was for anyone to come running.
Anyone, except maybe him.

I
threw my head back, hands clenched, as I raged soundlessly at the world.

At my
father. Myself. And him.

More
than anything, at him.

How
could he do this to me?!

Everything
I’d thought I’d had - all the confidence, the assurance, the knowledge that I
had taken back my own life for myself.

It
came crashing down in the blink of an eye, so thoroughly that I wondered
whether it had ever been there in the first place.

We
were going to deal with it together. With my father. With the SEALs. With life.

Together.

It had
been all I’d wanted.

And it
was gone.

Just
like that.

Because
the bastard had decided I shouldn’t have to deal with the life he offered.

The
life I’d wholeheartedly accepted. The life I’d wanted.

Fuck.

Fuck
him.

I
could’ve dealt with it - with the uncertainty, the difficulty, the risk. I’d
wanted to.

That
was infinitely better than dealing with this - with his sudden, deliberate
abandonment.

Having
him beside me had given me the confidence to do anything I wanted - just
knowing he was there, believing in me and fighting for me.

I’d
known that he’d always be there.

Whatever
happened, I would have always had that.

But
now I was alone.

As
alone as I’d been before, but more so, because now I knew what it meant to be
so completely a part of someone else.

I’d
been his.

And
now…I wasn’t sure what was left.

Pain
and anger and grief.

I let
the desolation wash over me and sobbed for everything I’d lost.

Everything
I’d trusted in.

Everything
I’d hoped for.

Chapter Twenty
Five

Seth

I took
a swig from my beer and stared out into the distance, the dark, overcast skies
matching my mood, as Becky and I drank in grim silence.

I’d
wanted to support her in some way, but over the last week I’d realized that the
best I could do was to be there, and not try to make it better. There was no
lightening this, and any attempt felt wrong.

Instead,
when I’d arrived, she’d set the beer down in front of me and opened her own.
I’d taken the hint and we’d sat in companionable silence since, wrapped up in
our own thoughts.

If
they weren’t great thoughts, at least we had company for them.

It
didn’t help that every time I looked at Becky now, I saw Bella. Her shock and
horror as I’d left. The way she must be feeling now.

Ironic,
really, that when I’d met her, all I could see was Becky’s grief-torn face. And
now it was her that haunted my mind.

My
Bella.

My
baby-Bella.

Fuck.

Tomorrow
would be the wedding.

Not
that it mattered - I wasn’t going. I’d give Bella that at least.

My
mother would accept the military emergency, with a few not-so-subtle comments,
and that would be that. I’d stay out of their life. I had my own.

I
should never have expected anything more, and it killed me that I’d hurt her
like this.

Better
than hurting her further down the road. Than embedding yourself too deeply in
her life before taking it away.

It was
the mantra I kept repeating, but I couldn’t help the voice that nagged at me
that we’d already gone too far.

I
still felt her with every breath, every beat of my aching heart.

My
hand clenched around the beer bottle just as Becky looked up.

“Fuck
this. Tell me about something good and decent in the world.”

I
glanced up, but nothing came to mind. Might as well have asked for the moon and
stars.

“Eh…not
sure I’m the right guy for that, Becky.”

She
just shook her head.

“You’ve
got a better chance than me, mate. C’mon…how about Bella? I liked her. Let me
enjoy the passion of young love.”

I
winced at that choice of topic as the familiar emptiness throbbed through me.

Young
love indeed. Stupid and naive.

“You
really want to hear a passionate love story?
Now?
”

The
idea of discussing something like
that
with Ryan’s wife, while he
was…whatever he was…seemed insane, but she just cocked her head with a rueful
smile.

“That
bad, eh? Fuck it then. I wanted to remember what it was like…falling in love
with him. What I have to look forward to when he returns. Seems like even
living vicariously is out. The world’s gone to hell, hey?”

I just
grunted, downing more of the beer.

“Always
was. Our mistake was thinking otherwise.”

I
never should have believed I could have anything better.

“Gods,
you’re worse than me. Sounds like you actually mean it.”

My
eyes flickered up again, surprised as I met her irritated look.

“You
don’t?”

“I
might rage and curse at it all - but in the end, I’ll be okay. You will too.
Maybe it didn’t work out with Bella, but you’ll find—”

“I’m
not asking any woman to do that for me.”

She
sighed, and I grimaced at the idea of her trying to reassure me. It wasn’t
worth discussing.

“Just
because Bella couldn’t—”

“Fuck
it, Becky. It’s not about what Bella thinks she can or can’t do. It’s not right
to ask it. It’s too much.”

That
did
startle her, and she gave me one of the hard looks she was known for.

“Not
if she’s offering and wants it too.”

“She
doesn’t know what she’s doing.”

“And
you do?”

I
couldn’t understand this argument, or how Becky could possibly be thinking this
way, considering everything that had happened.

“Yes.
And I would have thought you of all people would get it.”

It was
a low blow, and I didn’t mean to go there, but she was getting me worked up
with things I was trying to forget. Her words were eerily close to Bella’s and
I had enough unsettled feelings about that last conversation already.

Her
eyes sparked with anger as she responded sharply.

“What
the
fuck
? Don’t tell me
this
—” She gestured emphatically around
at the empty garden, “—is why…”

“Of
course it damn well is - it just made me realize how stupid we were being—”

“And Ryan
and I? We’re fools too, are we?”

The
heat was pouring from her now, and I held my automatic response in check.
Insulting them was never what I’d intended, but damn it - surely she
understood.

“Don’t
you wish someone had stopped you, at the beginning? That you had never gotten
caught up in this mess?”

She
reeled back, looking shocked as she stared at me.

“Fuck
it, Seth. Of course not. I fucking love him. I know what he is, and I love him.
And if someone had taken that choice away from me, I wouldn’t have forgiven
them for it.”

It was
my turn to stare, the passion and certainty in her voice sending unease coiling
through me. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t believe…

Her
expression softened a moment at whatever she read in my face, and she sighed
deeply before turning and staring off into the garden that we’d all been
laughing in only a couple of weeks ago.

“I
love him more than life itself, and don’t get me wrong - I’m raging right now
at the Navy for taking him away, and for…for what might happen. Just like I’m
raging at God and the universe and every choice I ever made. But the Navy is
part of him - the SEALs were part of him. That was the man I fell in love with,
and I knew that the whole time. If he hadn’t been a Navy SEAL he wouldn’t have
been Ryan.”

I’d
never heard her talk like this. I guessed she had before - she was prominent
enough in the local support groups - but her words were usually reserved for
other girlfriends, wives, partners. Those that had to deal with their husbands’
insane choices.

“This
life is cruel and unforgiving and hard as death, but I wouldn’t take it back. I
wouldn’t change falling in love with him and the time we’ve had together for
anything. Yes, it’s damn hard to make this work, and if Bella thinks she can’t
deal with it, I have always respected that honest decision. But it’s not a
decision you can make for her. Don’t confuse what she wants with your own damn
cowardice.”

My
eyes flashed - I’d never let
anyone
talk to me like that.

“What
the—”

“If
you can’t handle it, fine - but don’t pretend you’re running away for her
benefit.”

Anger
hit me, and I surged up - any tact or deference to what she was going through
abandoned in a haze of outrage.

“I’m
not—”

“It’s
your life,
sailor.
But if she’s game - why the hell aren’t you?
”

She
grabbed the beer and walked back into the house without another word, leaving
me fuming.

How
dare she?!

It
wasn’t that I couldn’t handle it - I just didn’t want Bella waking up years
down the line to find me gone, and maybe never coming back. I couldn’t put her
through that.

It was
wrong.

Every
damned protective instinct in me insisted on it.

If
she’s game…

I’d
never run away from anything in my life - I thrived on challenge, on
difficulty, on knowing I was better than anyone and anything out there.

…why
the hell aren’t you?

I
downed the rest of the beer as her words cut into me, ripping into the cloud of
misery that had followed me since talking to Bella.

Why?

I
wanted Bella to be safe, and happy. I didn’t want that risk for her. It wasn’t
her world or her life. She didn’t need to have to deal with that.

But
she wanted it.

She
wanted me.

Fuck,
the way Becky had talked about Ryan…it sounded like everything I’d ever heard
and felt from Bella. Everything I didn’t give her the chance to say.

It was
her decision.

Why
was I stopping her?

Everything
crashed around me, my crazed emotions overwhelming me with need and
disappointment and anger.

I
wanted more from the world than it had ever given me.

Becky’s
accusations were sharp in my mind as I finally let myself look into that
unstable, dangerous mess of emotions.

I
wanted her. More than anything I’d ever felt, I wanted her.

But I
was fucking terrified.

My jaw
tightened at the thought as I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

I
didn’t want to put Bella in a situation she didn’t know, didn’t understand - I
didn’t want to find a few years down the line it wasn’t good enough. To have
her disappear.

I’d
spent my whole life building stability, something I could rely on.

And I
didn’t know that Bella could handle it. Not after what I’d seen the last week.

I
didn’t want the risk.

I’d
been pushing her away since I met her. I thought I’d let her in, but Ryan…it
had just been too much.

There
had been too many reasons for her to run.

And
she hadn’t - I had.

Which hadn’t
even worked. I was too entangled with her already - she was so far under my
skin that I couldn’t get her off my mind anyway.

She
was
my
baby-Bella.

If
there was anyone I could trust to be there, it should be her.

And
god-damn it, I wanted that - I wanted someone there, and I wanted that life
with her.

Impossible,
out of reach, fucking cuckoo dreamland - I wanted it.

And I
got what I wanted. There was no fucking way I was letting myself run now I knew
what it was.

Time
to man up and fix it, chickenshit.

If it
could be done, we’d make it work - I wasn’t giving up again.