Hitchhiker (15 page)

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I replied tentatively.

He came into the living room and flopped down on the couch opposite me. He rested his head on the cushion behind him and closed his eyes.

“Tired?”

“Mmmhmm,” he hummed.

He was all relaxed and acting like nothing was going on while my head and heart were on a totally different level of excitement. I had no idea how to proceed here. Should I speak or do I let him rest?

“How have you been?” He broke the silence.

I was sure it would seem odd to most that he appeared to be calm and collected after everything that had happened. But one thing I’d learned about Dawson was that this was always the calm before the storm. I should have been more nervous about it, but I wasn’t.

I folded my hands on my lap and looked down. “I’ve been better.”

“I can tell. You look like shit.”

My eyes shot up to his. He had a smirk dancing across his face. “Be nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

“I’m sure you can be… once in a blue moon.”

Our usual back and forth banter was bringing my comfort level back to normal and this was where I liked us. Playful, yet we poked at each other. This was how I knew how to talk to him.

“Nah, I’m nice all the time.”

“Hmm, if you say so.”

He opened his eyes, and he looked at me. They roamed my face, searching for something.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Should have known he’d go in for the kill right off the bat. Honesty, Chandler. He deserved honesty. “When I first met you, I didn’t feel the need to tell you. We weren’t really sharing anything personal. But then we got to know each other, and I liked you. I didn’t want to push you away by telling you about Seth. Not when I think I already knew that I was going to be leaving him. I knew it mattered, but then again, it didn’t matter if I was ending it. Does that make sense?”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Yes, but that doesn’t make it right. You lied to me. Lying is a deal breaker for me.”

“A deal breaker?”

“Yeah. The moment you make me feel like I can’t trust you, I will cut you off. No second chances, Chandler.”

“Wait a second, isn’t that a bit of a double standard? You get to go out and be with however many girls that you want, but then you get to come back here to me and I’m not supposed to have a say?”

“No. And that’s not the same thing. I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about telling me things that are pretty fucking important. I don’t sleep with someone else’s wife.”

“Fiancée,” I corrected.

“Doesn’t fucking matter. That should have come out from the very beginning. Then it would have been my choice whether or not I pursued you or left you alone.”

“Dawson…” I shook my head. “It’s not like I’d ever done anything like this before. I’ve never been a cheater. But I guess in my mind, I justified it because I knew Seth and I were over, I just haven’t had the chance to tell him the words.”

His tone softened. “Why don’t you call him and tell him?”

“Because I’m not an asshole. He deserves to hear it from me in person. I can’t just up and leave the man I’ve been with for the last four years and not give him that kind of respect.”

He sneered. “I think respect went out the window the moment you let me put my dick in you.”

“I think maybe it went out the window before then if you’re going to get picky.”

“Chandler,” he scolded.

I exhaled. “Listen, I’m sorry. I should have told you. I’m not saying that what I did was right. It’s just easy to forget about a lot of things out there when we are in here and it’s just us. We are in our own little world. No other girls, no Seth, it’s you and me. And, by the way, I’m not a liar. I know that I may have told you a pretty big one, but that was very out of the norm for me. You can trust that I’ll always be honest with you.”

He regarded me for a while longer then patted the spot next to him. “Come cuddle.”

This always made me laugh. No guy I’d ever been with said things like that. But this was his sweet, gentle side. And Dawson really was a big teddy bear. Getting up from the couch, I went to him and curled into his side, resting my head in the crook of his shoulder. This was my spot. I fit perfectly there, like it was made for me.

“No more lies, okay?”

“I promise. Always the truth from now on.”

“Is there anything else I should know about?”

I stopped to think about it. “No, I think that’s it.”

He put his arm around me and pulled me closer. I buried my nose in his chest and breathed in his smell. It calmed me and awakened me. I was content there. He twisted his legs and feet up with mine across the ottoman. So even though he said no second chances, did this mean he forgave me? I wasn’t about to ask him or rock the boat. I was in the place I had needed to be for the last two days. But I still had something I wanted to talk to him about. It was becoming more and more of an issue, especially since I’d realized my feelings were so strong.

“Dawson.”

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Depends.”

Okay, how to word this right without pissing him off. “Do you feel anything for me?”

He looked down at me, and I glanced up. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know I’m not the only one, but why is that?”

“I’m still not following.”

He was a guy, Chandler, quit beating around the bush. They didn’t speak between the lines like women did. “Well, I know that you go out and you sleep with other people. And I was just wondering if that’s because I’m not good enough. Like, are there just not any feelings for me at your end? ‘Cause if there isn’t, I’m not sure I’m okay with all of this then.”

I gulped. I had no clue what he would say. We’d never really dove into the deep emotions aspect of what was going on between us, but I was invested enough that I needed some answers. Although I wasn’t sure it mattered what his answer was. If it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I knew it would break me down regardless.

“Of course, there are feelings.” My shoulders dropped. I hadn’t realized I’d become so tense. “And I don’t sleep with as many people as you think I do. I can just be friends with other girls, too.”

“I know that. And I’m not saying you can’t be. I’m just saying that you being with someone else makes me feel like I’m not giving you something that you need. Like I’m not good enough.”

His hand came up and brushed through my hair and he twisted my face toward him. “You
are
good enough. It’s not about that at all. Chandler, this is just something I’ve always done. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. But it’s certainly not something that you did or I do because you are lacking.”

Some of what he said made sense, but some of it didn’t. “I don’t really get why you’d need more or would look for more if you have me?”

“It’s just sex, Chandler.”

What? Okay, now I was confused, but I didn’t think I was going to get any further explanation for it.

“I’m a guy. It’s just me fulfilling a need.”

“You do know that that hurts me.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“Then stop. Make me feel like I am good enough.”

He stopped talking for several minutes. During that long pause, I wanted to shake him and smother him with a couch pillow all at the same time.

“Okay. I’ll do my best.”

“Your best?”

“Seriously, Chandler, I’m not going to just cut them out cold turkey.”

I was getting worked up all over again. “So you can put my feelings aside and fuck them, but you are concerned with their feelings and how they will take you not giving them your dick? Fuck you, Dawson.”

I tried getting up from the couch, not wanting to be in his presence any longer, but he forced me back down. “Would you stop? I’m not saying that. I’m saying I will. I do have feelings for you, but this is all new to me. It’s been a long time since I was in a relationship. The last person I was with for a long period of time fucked me over. She cheated on me, and I’ve had issues trusting women ever since.”

“I’m not her, Dawson.”

“I know you’re not.”

“Then don’t bring that baggage in like I am. You don’t get to treat me like I have to make up for her mistakes. It’s not fair to me.”

I think I must’ve hit a hot button. “And what you did wasn’t fair to me, either.”

I sighed. “I don’t want to fight anymore, okay? I’m tired, I’ve not slept or eaten, and I just want to relax.”

“Then quit being so stubborn with me.”

“Seriously, knock it off. I’m done for now.”

He yanked me back and kissed the top of my forehead. “You’re cute when you’re mad.”

I could bury his body in the woods and nobody would ever find him. “Shut up.”

“Want to go take a bath? That’ll help you relax.”

Ha! Was he kidding? I’d be naked in a tub with him. There was nothing remotely relaxing about that. And our incessant back and forth and roller coaster of fighting then being okay had worn me down.

“Sure.”

Would anybody really turn that down? I wasn’t. Not after missing him for two days straight.

I SAT ON THE EDGE
of the bed and watched as he sank into the porcelain tub. My eyes scanned him, completely unabashed, while he faced away. His body was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. When we had been together previously, it had been dark; my touch and the moonlight glow had guided me. Seeing him undressed and exposed, I had no words. It was as if every little inch of him was carved and cut to perfection. From his broad tatted shoulders down to his calves, my eyes feasted on him. Steam might have been drifting into the bedroom, but the blood pumping through my veins was making me hotter than ever. Even after he had submerged himself, I couldn’t peel my eyes away.

When he rested his back against the end, he looked over at me. “Are you going to get in?”

Such a simple question, yet it was one that sent a rocket of feelings through my already frazzled body. Dear God, how I wanted to get in so bad. However, he had no clue how shy I really was, knowing that he was watching me. If I stood up now and undressed myself, he’d see everything. And not only that, but it would be like I was putting on a show in front of him. I felt redness tinging my cheeks, and I swallowed hard.

“Sure, I suppose so.” His knowing eyes told me that he knew exactly the struggle I was having, but he definitely didn’t care.

“Get in, Chandler.”

I loved how raw his voice sounded. Turning around, I gave him my back. Lifting my shirt up, I pulled it off and tossed it to the side. My jeans were next. Unbuttoning them, I slid them down my legs. I was sure it appeared as though I was moving slowly just for his entertainment, but actually, I was trying to maintain control. If I didn’t, I would have flung everything off and cannonballed into the water, just to get the awkward parts over with. Cool air was hitting my bare skin, and goosebumps scattered over my body. My bra was still on and I unhooked the back and let it fall to the ground. After that, all that was left was lace cheeky underwear. I knew his eyes were on me, watching every little thing that I was doing. It was erotic as hell. I knew that I should have been naked getting into the water, but I just couldn’t do it. Turning around, I had my arm over my breasts, and I stepped over the edge of the tub.

His eyes were dark and full of arousal, but he still found the chance to tease. “You know, most people don’t get into tubs with their underwear on.”

Sinking down into the hot water, I let it soothe away the cold that was making my teeth want to chatter. “Quiet down over there. I wanted them on.”

“Weird.”

“Hush.”

He didn’t take his eyes off me. I continued to cover my breasts, like the shy girl that I was, and wondered when I was ever going to grow a pair and just be okay with myself. Guys were guys and boobs were boobs. For the most part, they were all the same… right?

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back. I focused on getting every muscle in my body to relax. I tried to pretend that I was alone, and I had nothing to be shy about. Nope… wasn’t working.

I sat on the other end of the tub from him, my feet resting on his chest. When I opened my eyes, he smirked at me as if he knew my private thoughts. I could feel my heart beating in my throat, but I needed to do something brave. I had yet to be the aggressor between the two of us. It was time to change that. I wanted to prove that I could be even more for him.

Getting up on my knees, I straddled his legs. Dawson watched me with a raised brow, his eyes roaming over me.

“What are you doing?”

I leaned over the top of him, my lips a breath away from his. Reaching down between us, I took a hold of him. The small gasp of air that escaped him made me feel powerful. I stroked him several times, enjoying the smoothness of the delicate skin. I’d let my arms both fall and I pushed my breasts up against his chest. Slick wetness wasn’t just there, I could feel it down lower, and my body was already ready for him. I raised up just enough to slip my underwear down my legs and let them stay submerged in the water.

Before I sank down, I whispered, “Whatever I want.”

Crushing my mouth to his, he swallowed my moan as I pushed him into me as far as he’d go… oh fuck. I wasn’t going to last long.