Hitchhiker (10 page)

Tentatively, I reached up and lightly touched the top of the cross. He didn’t tense up or ask me to stop. His skin was so warm and soft. I let my finger run along the black lines.

“Can I ask who your tattoo is about?”

I felt him breathe in deeply. Several beats had passed before he spoke. “It’s my dad.”

I stilled. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I was young when he passed away.”

I could hear the tension behind his words. He might have been young, but it still very much affected him. “That’s awful. How did he die?”

“Heart problem.”

I didn’t want to continue to push him. He was giving me something very personal right now. So, I closed my mouth and drew my finger over his father’s name. The fact that he was letting me touch him so freely made me feel less guarded around him. He trusted me at this moment, and I trusted him. I couldn’t really call him a stranger any longer. It was not the length of time that you knew someone that made the relationship but the connection. I felt connected to Dawson—right here, right now.

He must have known when I got to the last letter in the name because he rolled over, which caused me to shift onto my back. He leaned over the top of me, his face only a few inches from my own. What was happening right now?

“If I kissed you right now, would you be okay with that?” he asked.

I didn’t think I’d ever felt my heart beat so hard in my chest before. Breathily, I answered, “Yes.”

He dipped his head down and gave a gentle brush of his lips across mine. It ignited a fire through my body. I inadvertently arched into him, which let him know I was more than okay with what he was doing. He pressed his lips on mine a little more firmly this time. They were soft and full. Opening my mouth slightly, Dawson took advantage and I felt the tip of his tongue touch mine. Sighing, I opened more and he went deeper. One of his hands came up and slid under my neck. My body was on fire. God, I needed this; I needed him. Not a single thought of Seth crossed my mind. I had no guilt that I was kissing another man. There was no remorse that Dawson knew nothing of him. Everything about this felt so right that I couldn’t allow those thoughts to penetrate past my desire for the person who was currently pulling me into his arms. I needed more.

He nipped at my lower lip, and I moaned. His tongue brushed across the area that stung and soothed away the pain. Never in my life had I been kissed like this. Pretty sure I could do this for days and I still wouldn’t want to stop. I would do anything to keep this going. Even sell my soul to the devil.

“You’re shaking.” He spoke so quietly against my mouth.

I was. It was from my need mixed with nerves. When you hadn’t been with someone else for so long, there was a fear that nagged me in the back of my head saying I wouldn’t be any good. That he was just kind and I was vulnerable.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” I said more to myself, than to him.

“You sure?”

I nodded and he continued where he left off. My body was working itself up into a frenzy. I could feel the wetness seeping through my panties, and I would have gotten on my knees and begged him to touch me there, but I was nowhere near audacious enough to lead his hands where I wanted them. Didn’t matter. His mouth was on mine and I had been having nightly dreams about doing this very thing for two solid weeks. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t know how long we kissed each other, but it did eventually end. He tenderly pecked me then kissed my forehead.

“Get some rest, Chandler.”

Tangling his feet with mine, I pressed my head against his chest. We were at my favorite part of the night. I discovered he found comfort when any part of his body was touching mine. Normally, his feet and legs wound around mine and he’d pull me in. It was so endearing that now sleep would only take me under if I were getting comfort from him like this. Listening to the steady beating of his heart, I closed my eyes and let myself go.

“I’m not trying to pressure you, Chandler. I’m just saying it’s been over a month since we’ve been intimate. That’s not normal.”

I was standing on the other side of the bed from Seth, and I pulled back the duvet and sheets. “I know you’re not pressuring me. But it kind of puts a damper on my mood when you remind me how long it’s been.”

“I’m a guy. Sex is important. Hell, it’s important in any relationship.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Like what?” He laid down and pulled the covers up to his chest.

“I don’t know . . . just things.” The truth was I didn’t want to talk to him about anything that I’d been thinking about lately. How I had been questioning the solidity of our future together and how I’d been wondering if he even made me happy.

“Well, that’s helpful,” he scowled.

I sighed. “Seth, listen. You throw out the excuse of being a guy and that sex is important to you, but I’m going to throw right back at you that I’m a girl and everything is emotional for me. It’s hard for me to shut my head off and let go enough to just do it. I know you don’t understand that, but please try.”

He brought his hand up to my face and brushed his fingers across my cheek. I closed my eyes and attempted to stop thinking about every errant thought that I could. He wanted this, so why didn’t I? As his hand dropped, it grazed my neck and moved over my breast. His palm raised and he cupped me, his thumb rolling over my nipple. I waited for something, anything that would suggest that my body was responding. Nothing was happening. Seth moved forward and kissed my lips. It all shut off at that moment. I tried to picture someone else . . . anyone else. I failed.

Pulling my head back and moving out of his grasp, I looked at him, knowing the disappointment I’d see over his face. And there it was. “I’m sorry. I’m just too tired tonight.”

He dropped his arm and flopped back onto his back. “Don’t worry about it. Just go to sleep.”

Seth was mad. I didn’t know what else to do to fix this, so I took my glasses off, shut off the lamp on my side, and faced away from him.

I was sitting at the kitchen table eating some grapes and reading when the memory from only a month ago slammed into me. I was reading a book I’d read before and it reminded me of that night. One of many I’d had with Seth like that. It happened pretty often. More often than I’d care to admit. Leaning back into my chair, I popped a piece of fruit into my mouth and slowly chewed. The last couple of months, whenever he was home, I found myself less and less interested in him that way. I figured it was me. At first, I thought it was simply a phase. Maybe it would subside and things would naturally fall back into place, like how it was when we first met. But I realized it wasn’t a phase. I felt defective and broken.

Dawson came walking in the front door, and I looked at him with such desire and lust that I now knew that I was not broken. It wasn’t me at all. It wasn’t even Seth. It was that I didn’t think we ever connected on that level. With Dawson, I was getting desperate to be with him more sexually. I was ready to beg. After he had removed his boots, he came into the kitchen and got a glass of water. I stared intently as he tilted his head back and watched his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed. I was getting flushed and a little more than turned on.

“Hey,” he said, setting his glass in the sink.

“Hey back.” I smiled.

“Whatcha up to?”

I looked down at my e-reader. “The usual.” He chuckled. “You hungry? I made some paninis for lunch. There are a couple leftover in the fridge I can heat up.”

His usual hard stance softened. “I’m good, thanks. But I do have a question.”

“What’s that?”

“Want to go out to the bar tonight? I think we both could use a night out to relax and get a change of scenery. Well, at least you do. I don’t know how you stay cooped up in this place all damn day.”

I scrunched my brows together. “I’m not cooped up. I’m content.”

“Sure, you are.” He gave me a fake half-smile. “Anyway, what do you say?”

Hmmm, Dawson, alcohol, maybe some dancing if I got drunk and daring enough . . . where did I sign up? “Okay, sounds good.”

He pushed off the counter he was leaning against. “I’ll go shower and we can go after that.”

“All right.”

As soon as he was out of sight, it occurred to me that I had nothing to wear. I’d been wearing the same things over and over again. Crap. Looking down at my most basic attire, I glowered. I was in jeans and a t-shirt. My hair was piled on top of my head and I only had mascara on. Well, it was going to have to do. I’d add a little more eye make-up, but the rest of me wasn’t changing. I couldn’t imagine there’d be very much dressing up in Big Sky anyway. I heard the shower start.

Thinking back about Seth, I realized that more time than I should have allowed had gone by without any communication from me. I needed to let someone back home know that I was alive, but I was dreading it. Not sure who was the lesser of all evils, I walked to my room and grabbed my cell phone out of the nightstand drawer. Sitting down on the bed, I powered it on and waiting for all the messages to pop up. There were another two voicemails and five text messages. Not even bothering to look at who they were from, I pulled up my contact list and hit send.

“Hello?” a deep voice on the other end answered.

“Daddy?”

“Chandler? Dear God, child, please tell me it’s you.” His worry sank into my bones and guilt washed over me.

“Hi Daddy, it’s me. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Of course, I’ve been worried. Where in the world are you?”

I clammed up. I wanted to tell him so bad. Anything to take away the sound in his voice. “I don’t really want to say. I’m sorry. But I had to leave, please understand that.”

He was quiet on the other end for a few beats. “You do realize that I almost called the police. If it wasn’t for Syd telling me that you’d been calling her, I would have sent out every police officer in the state of Maine to find you.”

“Yes Dad, I know. But I’m not even in the state anymore.”

“You’re not?”

“No.”

“Where are you?” he asked again.

I should tell him. Just so someone knew where I was. I called my dad for a reason. I trusted him. He was the one I always went to when I was a teenager; I talked to him about boys or any other issue I was having. Most girls were close to their mothers, but I was best friends with my dad.

A tear made its way down my cheek. “Montana.”

I knew he’d know exactly where I was. “Why that far, baby?”

The wetness was now free flowing and coming down like a river. “I felt like I couldn’t breathe being under that roof for another second. I didn’t know what else to do. I want you and Mom to know I didn’t plan this, and I didn’t want anybody to talk me out of it. I just had to go, so I left. I got in my car and drove until I realized I was coming here.”

“Are you safe?” he asked.

“Mmmhmm.”

“Well.” He exhaled loudly as if in relief. “I’m glad you’re okay, at least. Seth has been worried sick, and I had to keep him back from going to court to get Sydney to talk. I knew the kid didn’t know where you were. I just wish you would have told someone, whether it was your mom or me, where you’d gone. I don’t think your mom has slept much since we found out you went missing.”

I hiccupped. “I’m very sorry, Daddy. And please don’t tell Seth where I am. He’d be on the next plane. I’m not ready to see him right now.”

“Is there any reason why not?”

“I just don’t.” No way was I going to explain that I was confused about my feelings and reconsidering my engagement.

“Well, until you’re ready, I’ll hold him off. He’s going to be upset that you called me instead of him, you know.”

“I know.” I dropped my head.

“Is everything with the house okay? I know you hadn’t been out there since Mom and I did the rebuild.”

Finally, a subject that made me somewhat happy. “It’s beautiful. Seriously, all of the little touches are perfect. Grandma and Grandpa would have loved it. And I think my favorite part is the door frame downstairs with my measurements on it. I didn’t know you’d kept that from the old house.”

I could hear his smile through the phone. “I knew you’d like that. And I’m glad you are enjoying the house. Is there anything you need, or something your mother or I could do for you? Do you need someone to talk to? I’m not saying you need it but maybe speaking to a therapist or something can help you sort through whatever is going on.”

My heart skipped a beat. I kind of had someone to talk to already. But if I mentioned Dawson to him, or that a man that I’d picked up on the side of the road was living here with me, it wouldn’t be Seth on the first flight out, it would be my dad.

“Thanks, Dad, but I think I’m okay for now.” I glanced up when something caught my eye. Dawson was standing in my doorway, and he was glaring at me. “Hey Dad, I need to go. I’ll call again soon.”

He said something else to me, but I wasn’t listening. I was in the middle of swallowing my own tongue. How much had Dawson heard? Was he going to ask who Seth was? Would this lead into questions I wasn’t ready to answer? Hanging up with my dad, I shut off my phone and avoided looking at the obviously fuming man who was watching my every move. I took my time putting it in my drawer and stayed on the other side of the bed, keeping my head down.