Hip Check (New York Blades) (28 page)

“Yeah, what the hell was that all about?”

“I don’t know. Thinking he was immortal or something. It was stupid.”

“You couldn’t talk to him?”

“You couldn’t?”

“You live with him, Jamie.”

“You should have checked in on him more, Michelle,” he retorted.

Jamie was tremendously stressed, so she let the barb pass.

“What else?” she coaxed.

“He’s been lying about going for checkups. That’s why that cough kept getting worse.” Jamie glared at her. “You know, the one you said didn’t exist?”

Michelle’s hands tightened around the arms of the chair. “Let’s not do this. We’re both tired and overwrought.”

Jamie tapped his chest. “I was there with him when it happened, Michelle, and you weren’t. So I get to make certain observations.”

“Fine,” Michelle said tersely. “Observe away.”

“To put it bluntly, this is your fault.”

Michelle nearly lunged at him. “What?”

“You know what. He goes to Saari’s for Christmas and a day later he has a friggin’ heart attack? He was really upset about what’s going on. It’s not a coincidence.”

Michelle waited until a group of nurses passing by were well out of earshot before raising her voice to her brother. “How dare you blame me for this? Dad was a time bomb.”

“That went off after he found out you were playing house with the biggest dickwad in the NHL.”

“This is not my fault, Jamie!”

“Yeah, it is, and you know it is. If Saari were here right now, I’d punch his face in.”

“You’re talking out of your ass. As usual.”

Jamie’s face broke out into an obnoxious smirk. “You think you’re helping Nell? You’re not. Because when he dumps you, that kid is going to be a basket case.”

Michelle laughed bitterly. “I love the way you and Dad assume he’s going to dump me. Am I really that dull and plain?”

“He’s using you, you idiot! He doesn’t know how to connect with Nell on his own; he needs you to teach him. Once he figures it out, he’ll end the relationship. And there you’ll be, taking care of Nell and feeling like shit about yourself as he goes back to the whoring jerk he really is.”

“Did Dad tell you this?”

“Yeah, and it kills him—so much he had a heart attack, driving himself crazy over it.”

Michelle stiffened. “That’s not true. Neither of you know him. And as I pointed out to Dad, he was really getting along fine with Esa until he found out about us. Then, all of a sudden, he changed his mind!”

“Uh, yeah,” replied Jamie, as if the reason were obvious. “Wouldn’t you, if someone was using your kid?”

“You really think he’d do that to Nell?” Michelle paused, trying to wrap her mind around what her brother was saying. “The logic of this is so twisted, it doesn’t even make sense.”

“What happened to all that shit you’ve always spouted about being a professional?”

Michelle clamped a palm to her forehead, counting to five in her head. “I went over all this with Dad. Stuff happens. Did I know it was going to happen? No. Did I want it to happen? Hell, no. But it did, and I’m happy. Why can’t the two of you just be happy for me?”

“Because he’s a dick, Michelle, and speaking for myself, if you expect me to be happy about the situation that caused Dad to have a heart attack, then you’re nuts.”

Michelle wished she could slap her brother. “This was the ‘family stuff’ you wanted to talk to me about? Attacking me for no good reason? Trying to make me feel guilty over something I had nothing to do with?”

“Keep telling yourself that. In the meantime, I have to ask you a favor.”

Michelle looked up at the ceiling, laughing mirthlessly. “You’re unbelievable.” She looked back at him.
“What?”

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare upset him and talk about London. I’m serious.”

“And if he brings it up?”

“He won’t. Trust me.”

Michelle’s body felt leaden as she pushed herself up from the chair. “Fine. Whatever. Can I see him now?”

Jamie shrugged. “Go ahead. I have to go home and try to get some sleep. I’m pulling another overnight.”

Michelle nodded curtly. What she had to say next wouldn’t come easy, but she knew it was the right thing to do. “I’m glad you were here, Jamie.”

“Yeah, me, too.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek, the action seeming to soften his attitude toward her somewhat. “He’s probably asleep. Why don’t you just peek in on him and then go home and crash?”

“Maybe I’ll do that.”

Michelle waited until he disappeared around the corner before she burst into tears. Maybe her brother was right about her relationship with Esa causing her father’s heart attack, but he was still a jerk for hitting her between the eyes with it before she’d even seen their dad. What did it accomplish, apart from upsetting her more than she already was? It was a typical Jamie move. She put it down to stress. The only other reason she could think of for his cruelty would be his wanting to punish her, but that seemed pretty petty in light of what was going on. It was stress, definitely. She glanced at the swinging doors of the Intensive Care Unit, nausea creeping through her system. She didn’t want to see her dad with tubes in his nose, IVs, and hooked up to a heart rate monitor. He was a firefighter, for chrissakes. He was invincible, despite her always reminding him that that wasn’t the case. She wasn’t sure she could handle it. But she had no choice.

41

“I’m nervous.”

Nell’s confession troubled Esa. The two of them were sitting in the lobby of Claridge’s waiting for his parents to come downstairs for dinner. They’d made plans for six thirty, which meant that his parents would arrive
exactly
on time.

He wished Michelle was here. Not just because he missed her, but because if anyone could thaw his parents, it would be her, and if they approved of Michelle, then they’d have to give him credit for picking a great nanny for Nell.

She’d called him as soon as she got back to the apartment. It was three in the morning in London, but he didn’t care: he wanted to hear how her dad was doing. He’d never say it, but his opinion of her dad had dropped considerably in the span of just a few days. Funny how buddy-buddy he was until he found out things were romantic. Who the hell was he to judge? It also pissed him off that he’d marred Christmas for Michelle. Esa had a feeling that Michelle had painted what her dad had said to her when they talked in broad strokes, that if she told Esa the nitty-gritty of their conversation, his reaction wouldn’t be pretty.

Michelle had sounded drained and distraught on the phone. Drained he understood; distraught was more puzzling, especially since she’d told him her dad had done really well. It had to be shock; then it dawned on him there might be some grief mixed in there as well. Her dad was alive, but the family had just had a huge reminder of his mortality. And mortality, as he knew from Danika’s abrupt death, could suck big-time.

He tugged on the end of Nell’s ponytail, the way he’d seen Michelle do. “Don’t be nervous.”

“But I don’t really know them. And mum always said they were mean.”

It took Esa a few seconds before he figured out how to respond. “Well, they won’t be mean to you. And if they are, we’ll leave.”

“I wish Michelle was here.”

“Me, too.”

Mention of Michelle cheered Nell. “Can I tell them we’re like a family now?”

Esa puffed up his cheeks and blew out a breath. “Unfortunately, the answer is no. They wouldn’t understand.”

Nell scowled. “Why?”

“Mmm . . . remember how, for a long time, you kept asking me why I didn’t go out with Michelle, and I said I couldn’t, because I was her boss?” Nell nodded. “Well, that’s what they’ll think. That I shouldn’t be going out with Michelle because I’m her boss.”

Nell studied her thumb, worrying her cuticle. “So is it bad that you and Michelle are going out?”

Fuck.
“No, it’s not bad, it’s different. And a lot of people don’t understand or like things that are different. I don’t know why. But your grandparents are those kind of people.”

“Oh,” said Nell, clearly disappointed.

Esa felt bad. “I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”

He checked his watch. Tee minus one minute. He was glad the issue of him and Michelle had come up before dinner. He could just imagine their reactions to Nell’s cheery, happy news: the stares, the mouths pressed into thin, disapproving lines. How had he and Danika ever gotten out of that house without being totally fucked up? Oh, wait, they hadn’t: Danika had no interest in a relationship and had been raising Nell in a manner directly opposite to their parents. And up until now, he’d only felt alive when he was king of the ice and all sexual conquests. That had to say something.

“Is this them?”

Esa’s eyes slid from the love seat where they were sitting to the bank of elevators across the immense, ornate lobby. He always felt a small, unnerving jolt when he saw his father, because the resemblance between them was so strong. Esa had a feeling that this was what he’d look like in twenty-five years or so, graying at the temples, his eyes no longer curious but resigned, three or four stripes of worry across his forehead. Yet his father was still a handsome man.

Seeing his mother gave him an unexpected jolt as well, but for a different reason. He hadn’t seen her since Danika’s funeral. He’d forgotten how much his sister looked like her. He cast an uneasy sideway glance at Nell, wondering if she saw her grandmother’s resemblance to her mum as well. Her face was anxious.

Esa and Nell stood, Nell taking his hand. They walked to the center of the lobby to meet his parents. There was an awkward moment as Esa tried to figure out protocol. Was he supposed to hug his parents hello? Wait for them to hug him? Would they hug Nell?

“
Hyraa joulua
,” Nell said to them politely.

A tiny, almost infinitesimal smile lifted the corner of her grandmother’s lips. “
Hyraa joulua
,” she returned, equally polite. Esa felt a small part of his heart harden against her. Why couldn’t she have commended Nell for saying “Merry Christmas” in Finnish?

“
Hyraa joulaa
,” Esa said to his mother, kissing her lightly on both cheeks. His mother said the same, as did his father, who shook his hand.

“You’re looking well,” he said to Esa in Finnish.

“As is Nell,” his mother remarked in their native tongue. “Perhaps your sister didn’t make a mistake.”

“Nell doesn’t speak Finnish, remember?” Esa pointed out. “English only tonight.”

“Don’t you think maybe she should learn?” his mother suggested. “I’m hoping that she might start spending summers with us.”

About as likely as an asteroid hitting the earth, Esa thought. “Her school doesn’t teach Finnish. English only, okay?”

His mother finally acquiesced. “All right,” she said in English. “You made reservations?”

Esa rolled his eyes. “Of course.” He smiled at Nell, who had moved a little closer to him. “We’re hungry, right?”

Nell nodded, smiling up at him bravely. He wished he could say aloud: I know this is hard for you. You hardly know them. But even without Michelle here, it will be all right, I promise.

They were seated in a very formal dining room. It was early yet, so the only other people having dinner were an elderly couple, sipping soup, who looked displeased to see a child enter the room. Esa gave them a prolonged, nasty stare until they looked away.

A very solicitous waiter was soon at their table, handing out menus. “Can I get anyone a drink?”

Nell leaned over and whispered to Esa, “Can I have a Coke?”

“Of course,” he whispered back.

“A Coke, please,” Nell said to the waiter politely.

Esa stared down his mother’s disapproval. Both his parents ordered glasses of chardonnay. He didn’t have anything, because it made life easier. His mother would use even one drink against him. He didn’t want to give her ammunition.

What happened next felt more like an interview or an interrogation than a conversation as his mother bombarded Nell with questions. Do you like New York? Do you enjoy school? What subjects are they teaching you? Do you miss London? Do you like living with your uncle Esa? Esa interjected a few times, trying to steer the conversation in a more casual direction, but his mother always circled back to Nell. Being Nell, she was unfailingly polite, but there was no mistaking her increasing anxiety.

“Mum, don’t you think you’ve bombarded her with enough questions?” Esa said, trying to keep the tone light.

“I’m just making sure my granddaughter is doing well,” she returned pointedly.

“I am,” said Nell.

Esa looked down at the table, suppressing a smile. Way to go. That was pure Danika.

His mother’s smile was strained. “One more question, Nell,” she said, trying to sound friendly.

“Okay.”

“Do you like living with your uncle more than you liked living with Leslie?”

You bitch, Esa thought, putting a kid on the spot like that. Nell’s bravado melted; now she was looking at him haplessly, the same way she had when she’d first come to him, as if she wasn’t sure how to answer.

“It’s okay,” Esa murmured. “You can always tell the truth.”

“I like living with Uncle Esa more, I think, because Aunt Leslie traveled a lot, and Michelle, my nanny, is always home with me.”

“Satisfied?” Esa asked his mother in Finnish.

Nell asked to be excused to use the restroom.

“What the hell are you doing?” Esa snapped at his mother. “Asking her something like that? She’s a little girl!”

“I want to make sure she’s happy.”

“Happy, or well cared for?” Esa shot back. “Because as you can see, she’s both.”

His mother was silent for a while. Eventually, she gave a small nod of approval, nothing more. Typical.

Esa looked at his father. “Do you want to weigh in on this?”

“Nell seems happy,” he concurred.

“Not that you’d know about happy children,” Esa said in a stage whisper.

“What’s that?” his father asked sharply.

“You heard me.”

“What’s going on with the Blades re-signing you?” his father asked, ignoring the barb.

Esa had successfully put the issue out of his mind for a few days, but he knew it would be back as soon as he and Nell returned to New York. He knew management was going to drag it out as long as they could, they always did, but he could have done without the additional pressure. His teammates had already mentioned it was starting to creep into the back of their minds.

He took a sip of water. “They’ll drag it out until the last minute.”

His father nodded. “Not unusual.”

“No.”

“You’re still valuable to them,” his father continued. “All you have to do—”

“I know what I have to do,” Esa cut in, retreating immediately into guilt. His father had never really stopped “coaching” him. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t let it go. Esa knew his father just wanted him to succeed, but it was hard sometimes, because it often seemed that his father was assuming some kind of lack of intelligence on his part.

“Don’t worry, Dad, okay?” he reassured him. “I have one of the top agents in the business. He’s not going to let me fall on my face.”

His father nodded, placated for now. As for his mother, she’d been studying him as if he were a specimen under a microscope.

“I’ve been wondering if you’ve really changed. It must be so. I’m sure the nanny must have a hand in it. No nanny worth her salt would let you carry on the way you were and have a little girl in your care.”

“That’s right.” Esa smiled to himself. Michelle was head of the household, not him. In the beginning, it had made him furious. Now, he saw it was necessary for Nell’s well-being. It hadn’t been an easy pill to swallow, but he’d known he had to do it, and he had, only to discover it wasn’t that emasculating. Maybe because when it came to the sexual side of things,
he
still ruled.

“Where’s this nanny Nell loves so much?” her mother asked.

“She had to rush back to New York. Her father had a heart attack.”

“Are you taking Nell to see Leslie?”

“It’s up to Nell. I think there’s part of her that doesn’t want to. She feels betrayed and angry at being handed off to me. And I think she feels it would somehow be disloyal to Michelle, which we’ve both told her is silly. She and Leslie talk on the phone a lot, but when push comes to shove, now that Nell lives in Manhattan, I don’t know if she wants to go back to where she used to live.”

His mother lifted an eyebrow, pursing her lips in surprise. “Very psychologically astute. That’s also something new.”

“That’s not me; that’s Michelle. She used to be a teacher. She knows a lot about kids.”

Her mother straightened her silverware, not looking at him. “Does Nell ever talk about Danika?”

His sister, the ghost at the table. Esa was surprised his mother had brought her up at all. It was such a painful, emotional subject, and his family didn’t do emotions particularly well. He wanted to ask, “Do you miss her?” but he knew the reaction he’d get: silence, as if the answer were either self-evident or none of his business. If she were feeling generous, or expansive, he might get a curt, “Yes, of course,” and then the topic would be closed.

“She’s said a few things to Michelle. Michelle also lost her mother at a young age, so it’s easier for Nell to open up to her about it. They share that bond.”

“Mmm.” There was a long pause, then his mother looked up. “Perhaps our only grandchild can spend a few weeks with us in Finland this summer?” she asked coolly.

Esa deflected. “Let’s talk about it in the spring.”