Hip Check (New York Blades) (23 page)

To his surprise, Michelle seemed to be reading his mind. “‘Go with the flow’ doesn’t work for me,” she said in a complete non sequitur.

Esa felt panic. “Well, a relationship doesn’t work for me.”

“I’m not asking you for one.”

“Good,” Esa said quietly. “I hope we can go back to being friends. I enjoy spending time with you and Nell.”

“Of course. It would be silly to go all the way back to the formality that existed in the beginning before we knew each other. And impossible, I think.”

“Yes.” It would be impossible, he thought, even unthinkable.

Michelle rose with a relieved sigh. “I’m glad we talked.”

“Me, too.” The pain at the base of his skull wasn’t abating. Instead, it was slowly crawling up the back of his head. “I need to ask you something.”

“What’s that?”

“Did Ulfie ask you out?”

“Yes, and I said no. Was that what worried you when you came in the kitchen all macho?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It just bugged me that he was asking you at all.”

Michelle smiled at him sadly. “Believe it or not, that makes me feel better about our ‘mistake.’ It lets me know that it wasn’t just a physical thing for you.”

“Of course it wasn’t,” Esa murmured, closing his eyes. Christ, his head was really beginning to throb. “I care about you, Michelle.”

“I care about you, too, Esa.”

“Everyone’s happy, then.”

“I’m going to go watch TV in my room. Good night.”

“Good night.”

He leaned his head back against the ledge of the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. It saddened him to think he’d never hold her again, or move inside her. But he was willing to sacrifice that in order to return to the simplicity of caring about two things: hockey and Nell. That was one more than he’d ever cared about before and it was probably the limit of his capacity. Why he’d ever thought he could do more was beyond him. He wasn’t that kind of man, and never would be.

33

“Are you mad
at me?”

Nell’s question couldn’t have surprised Michelle any more than if the little girl had snuck up behind her and shouted “Boo!”

It was Sunday morning and they were in the kitchen baking banana nut muffins. Nell was standing on a stepladder at the counter beside Michelle, slowly stirring the batter. Her voice had been timid.

Michelle stilled her hand. “Why on earth would you think that, sweetie?”

Nell glanced away. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. You wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t know. Don’t get all bashful on me. I thought we could talk about everything. Why would you think I’m mad at you?”

“Because things feel weird,” Nell confessed reluctantly.

“Weird how?”

“I don’t know. Sort of nervous.”

“Hhmm.” Michelle smoothed Nell’s long hair, trailing down her back. “I’ll have to think about that. But I promise, I’m not mad at you.”

“Is Uncle Esa mad at me?”

“Of course not, honey.”

Nell looked relieved, but Michelle felt awful. Kids were perceptive; things
had
been awkward. It was two weeks since she and Esa had agreed that sleeping together was a mistake. And despite their intention to remain friends, when the three of them were together things felt mildly strained.

Perhaps it would be better to go back to the way things were in the very beginning, with him spending more time on his own with Nell. It wasn’t like he was still clueless about how to interact with her, and by now he knew he didn’t have to “do” things with Nell all the time. As far as she could tell, he no longer needed Michelle’s help finessing things.

It would make things easier on Michelle, too. She felt like she was flip-flopping like a politician: One second she knew they’d done the right thing; the next she’d look at that thick black hair she’d run her fingers through, and those blue eyes that flashed with wild desire for her, and she’d think she was an idiot not to sleep with him again. Heat would speed through her body as she pictured them doing it in every room of the house in every position imaginable. Her fickleness was more irritating than confusing. Everyone knew forbidden fruit was attractive, so it wasn’t hard to figure out why she wanted him now that sex was off the table.

Looking at Nell as her little charge concentrated on stirring the batter, Michelle knew Marcus had been right when he’d told her to just “suck it up” when it came to her, Esa, and Nell spending time together. She and Esa couldn’t completely reverse course. It was impossible. They were simply going to have to work harder at overcoming whatever discomfort they felt. Period.

* * *

“You’re thinking too
much, sexy. Let me fix this.”

Esa smiled languidly as the puck bunny he’d picked up after the game against Tampa quickly unzipped his jeans and yanked them, along with his briefs, roughly down his hips. He kicked the jeans away, watching as she slid down his body until she was kneeling in front of him, a naughty look on her face. She flicked her tongue across his low belly for a moment, then took one hand and cupped his balls, starting to stroke and caress them. Esa closed his eyes, groaning.
Yeah,
he thought.
That’s it. This is gonna do it.

He hadn’t planned on bringing anyone back to his hotel room after the game, but then he thought, why not? He loved sex with beautiful women, and this woman was gorgeous: long legs up to her neck, dirty blond hair cascading down her back, ripe breasts straining against a tight white T-shirt. The minute she’d caught his eye in the bar and lifted a drink as if to toast him, he knew he wanted to tap that sweet ass. Why shouldn’t he? That’s who he was. That’s what he did.

Except right now, he couldn’t seem to do it.

The mutual groping had turned him on. He’d always loved the feel of a woman’s body against his, the little moans he could get them to make just by nipping at their neck. The way they arched into him always made him hard as a rock, his cock already twitching, yearning. But this time, something happened that had never happened before: his hard-on disappeared. He ground against her in a vain effort to revive it, but nothing helped. That’s when she chided him for thinking too much and fell to her knees in front of him.

She was rubbing him between the legs now with one hand, the other going for the tip of his penis, her thumb slowly going round in circles. The sensation was pleasant, but his dick still wasn’t responding.

“Let’s try this,” the woman whispered. As best she could, the woman began to suck his limp cock, stopping every once in awhile to swirl her tongue around the tip. Nothing. Nada. And the harder she tried, the more tense he became, which guaranteed he’d never get it up. Finally, he gently put his hands on her shoulders, indicating she should stop.

“Hey.” He put his index finger under her chin, tilting her head up so she was looking at him. “I appreciate the effort, but I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight.”

“But I want to fuck you.”

Mortification shot through Esa as he helped the woman to her feet. “I’d like to fuck you, too, but I guess I’m more tired than I thought.” He suddenly felt like a jerk standing there with no pants, and quickly put his briefs on. The woman, meanwhile, wouldn’t give up. She took his face in her hands and kissed him hard before murmuring in his ear, “There’s always tomorrow morning.”

“Actually, there isn’t. I have a plane to catch.”

The woman huffed in frustration. “I don’t believe this. I’ve been planning this for ages and now—”

“I’m sorry.” All Esa wanted was to get her the hell out of his room. “Sometimes these things happen.” Christ, he sounded lame.

The woman crossed her arms across her chest. “The least you could do is get me off.” She flicked her tongue against his ear. “I’m so, so wet, Esa.”

Esa’s hand curled around one of her wrists as he gently began tugging her toward the door. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I just—can’t.”

Her jaw dropped in outrage. “Selfish prick. And a limp dick to boot, I might add.”

Esa opened the door. “Sorry.”

“I’m going to tell everyone about this,” she threatened, jerking her wrist from his grasp as she stormed into the silent hallway. “I’m going to post it on every hockey forum there is.”

“Okay, you do that. Good night,” said Esa, suddenly feeling as if he’d been awake for three days straight. He closed the door, making sure to lock it behind him.

“
Kirottu
,” he murmured, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He scrubbed his hands over his face, then made his hands into fists, pressing his knuckles hard into his eyes sockets. The skin of his hands felt cool, the pressure welcome. He knew what was going on.

Now he just had to figure out what to do about it.

34

“Michelle, wake up.”

Michelle felt a gentle jostling of her shoulder. Sleep . . . dark room . . . jostle . . . Nell! Her eyes flew open as she bolted upright, swinging her legs over the side of her bed.

“Michelle.”

It was Esa quietly saying her name in the darkness, his hand staying her shoulder. Michelle blinked, her eyes straining to adjust, not only to the darkness but to his sitting on the edge of her bed. “What’s wrong with Nell?” she asked frantically.

“Calm down. It’s nothing.”

“Then what are you doing in my room at”—Michelle picked up her iPhone from her nightstand—“two thirty in the morning?”

“I don’t think we made a mistake sleeping together. I want a relationship.”

Michelle thrust her head forward, squinting at him. “What? You’re drunk. Get out.”

He leaned over and turned on the bedside lamp. “No, listen to me.”

“No.” Michelle swung her feet back up onto the bed and under the covers. She needed this drunken asshole Finn like she needed a hole in the head. He was probably just horny and wanted sex. Well, he wasn’t going to get it.

“
Michelle
. Hear me out. Please.”

“Can I hear you out in the morning? When you’re sober?”

Anger thundered across his chiseled face. “I’m not drunk.”

“Then why are you here?”

“ I’m here to talk about you and me. And I’m not leaving.”

Judging by the stubborn set of his jaw, Michelle knew there was no dissuading him. Self-conscious, she ran a hand through the rat’s nest that was her hair, and tried not to think about the stretched out Islanders T-shirt she was using as a nightgown. Not very attractive. Then again, she hadn’t been expecting one of the most handsome men in New York to creep into her room in the middle of the night. “This better be good.”

Michelle waited and waited
, Michelle thought, thinking of the language in the books she used to teach first graders to read. After what seemed like forever, Esa still hadn’t said a word. For someone who had to tell her something so urgent and refused to leave, he was certainly taking his time.

“Hello? Esa?”

“I’m not great at expressing my emotions. I think you know that.”

“I do, at least where Nell is concerned.”

“Well, it’s an all-round problem.” His eyes pinned hers so hard she couldn’t look away if she wanted to. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

“Okay,” Michelle said cautiously.

“I took a woman back to my hotel room when we were in Tampa.”

Michelle scowled at him. “Didn’t have to share that.”

“You’re wrong. I couldn’t perform. I made the woman leave. I couldn’t stay turned on because it wasn’t you.”

“Okay,” Michelle repeated, more guarded this time. She couldn’t deny it: the fact he couldn’t get it up
was
extremely flattering. It made her feel powerful. They’d only been together once; if this was the effect she’d had on him, then maybe she was sexier than she’d thought.

Esa took her hand, his fingers twining through hers firmly. “I know we both said we didn’t want a relationship. I think we were both lying. Out of fear.”

“That’s blunt.”

“I am blunt. You know that.”

“Yes, I do.” The tightness with which he was holding her hand, mixed with his unwavering gaze and the soft lighting in the room, made her lower her guard. Slightly. She wasn’t entirely willing to surrender her wariness yet.

Esa grimaced as if in pain, but Michelle realized he was simply struggling to find the right words. “I’ve never had a
real
relationship.” His eyes searched hers. “What about you?”

Michelle’s guard went back up. “What about me what?”

“You know what.” He sounded irritated. “Have you ever had a real relationship?”

“No,” admitted Michelle reluctantly. She didn’t like where this was going.

“How come?”

Michelle looked down at the quilt covering her legs. The answer wasn’t something she needed to ponder. She’d figured it out years ago. She just hated thinking about it, because whenever she did, tears soon followed, and the irrationality of her feelings made her feel silly.

She slowly looked up at Esa. “Because,” she said quietly, “I’ve always been afraid of them dying on me.”

Michelle had never told that to anyone. Admitting it didn’t make her feel better. It made her feel like that lost little girl who’d wandered from room to room after her mother died, convinced that if she wished hard enough, she’d find her. She put the focus back on Esa.

“What about you?”

Esa laughed dryly. “You know why. Because I’m a shallow playboy.”

“But you’ve been engaged.”

“More out of a sense of obligation than anything else. Neither relationship lasted long. I felt trapped right away.”

“Oh, and you wouldn’t feel that way with me eventually?”

“Maybe you’d be the one to feel that way.” He edged closer to her on the bed. “Look, I’m not going to lie: the idea of something real scares me to death. But continuing down the path I was on scares me worse, especially when I realize it wouldn’t include you.

“I’m not saying it will be easy. I’ll need to get the hang of it. All I’m asking is that you think about giving it a shot.”

“And Nell?”

“I’ve given a lot of thought to that.” Esa ran his thumb over the top of her hand. “I think it would be healthy for her to experience what it’s like to be part of a family.”

“Your original argument.” Michelle paused. “We’re not her parents, Esa,” she murmured softly.

“No, but we’re the closest she has, at least you are. And I think I could get there eventually. I’m trying.” Their fingers still entwined, he brought her hand to his mouth, kissing it gently. “I’m as shocked by what I’m saying as you are.”

“That’s good to hear,” she said, meaning it.

“So you’ll think about it?”

“Of course.”

Esa smiled, looking more like a man who was simply happy, not a sexy lady killer known to bed every good-looking woman who turned his head. Ironically, this made him even more attractive. He planted a lingering kiss on her mouth, then rose, looking reluctant to do so. “I guess I’ll head off to bed, then.” He paused as sexual tension whispered its way into the room.

“Good night,” Michelle said, determined to ignore it.

“Good night.”

“Esa?”

He’d barely reached the door when Michelle called out his name.

He turned. “Mmm?”

“Yes.”

* * *

With an unmistakably
smoldering look in his eye, Esa sauntered back to her bed, and sat down. His mouth was warm as he pressed it against Michelle’s, sending a flurry of fireworks through her body before he’d even slipped his tongue between her lips. When he pulled away to look at her face, Michelle was surprised to see a small smile of amusement playing across his lips.

“You gave your answer awfully fast,” said Esa.

“I’m a nanny. We’re known for efficiency.”

Esa laughed as his hands moved slowly to caress her shoulder, giving her goose bumps. It was going to be slow this time, just the way she wanted it. He laid her back, gently positioning himself on top of her, supporting his weight on his elbows. Michelle fought to breathe normally as his mouth again sought hers, his tongue giving her lips a caress before he nipped at her lower lip, sending a lightning bolt that shot all the way down to her toes. She wrapped her arms around him, the heat in her body hissing to life like tiny solar flares as their kissing turned frenzied. Maybe it wouldn’t be so slow after all, and maybe she didn’t care. As long as it culminated with this handsome man coming inside her, nothing else really mattered.

Esa rocked ever so slightly against her, making her gasp. It already felt damn good. But him on top felt too constraining right now. She gently rolled him off her so they were lying side by side, and put her hands on his hips, pressing her lips to his forehead. His skin was burning, fevered. A lock of his dark black hair fell over his forehead in disarray, and the way he flipped his head back to get it off his face electrified Michelle, the pure unconscious sexiness of it.

Michelle’s palms ran up his body from his hip to his shoulder, her hands gripping them, feeling the broad hard muscles beneath. Esa was watching, clearly enjoying it when her attention shifted from his shoulders to the tough, hard muscles of his abs. Michelle leaned forward, flicking her tongue against one of his nipples through the tight material of his white T-shirt. She looked up at him. It only took one second of being held in thrall by Esa’s blue eyes for Michelle to feel totally and completely immersed in desire for him. He slowly sat up, and the next sound she heard was his T-shirt hitting the floor. Then he lay back down beside her, the pads of his thumbs tracing lazy circles around her nipples through the frayed cotton of her T-shirt. Michelle raised herself, tearing the T-shirt off. Now she was just in her panties. Esa groaned before gently pushing her onto her back, his head bent in concentration as he began tonguing her nipples. Michelle could feel every inch of her body responding as it should: nerves on fire, pussy getting wet. His mouth was sliding all over her now, his lips and tongue playing her like a delicate instrument. She began to groan, turned on by the fact that he seemed to be enjoying it just as much as she was. He slid her panties down, tossing them off the end of the bed as he drew her legs apart. Michelle was quivering with anticipation, and when it finally came‚ when he finally put his tongue to her and started exploring her, teasing, circling, delving, she thought: so this is what madness feels like. Michelle spread her legs wider, each dive and flick of his tongue making her feel as though she were going to burst out of her skin. Close to coming, she began shaking uncontrollably; Esa took the cue as his tongue madly flicked at her, circling round and round. Michelle cried out, succumbing to the hot pulses of pleasure overtaking her body, and Esa crawled back up her body, holding her as her breathing and pulse began their slow descent back down to normal.

“We’re not done, you know,” she murmured, rubbing her naked body back against the hard-on she could feel straining through his jeans. Chuckling, she flipped them so she was now the one in the dominant position. She pushed his legs apart, kneeling in the V created so she could easily undo his jeans. Esa lifted himself slightly so she could yank off his jeans and his briefs at the same time, tossing them to the growing pile of clothing beside the bed.

Hands on Esa’s thighs, hair falling across one side of her face like a curtain, Michelle sat back on her heels, smiling at him seductively as she kissed the dark curling hair on his belly. Esa moaned, and Michelle paused, more to look at his body than anything else. So hot. So perfect. The heat coming from his skin made her throat clog with lust, but she drove the feeling away as she slowly ran her tongue from the base of his cock to its head, her tongue slowly spreading the glistening drop of fluid she found there.

“Oh, Christ,” Esa groaned. “That feels so. Fucking. Good.”

“That,” Michelle said, with a wicked little chuckle, “is nothing.”

She circled her tongue around the sensitive head a few times, then curled her hand around him, beginning to stroke gently. Esa’s hips arched up off the bed, and Michelle squeezed just a little, enough to entice, eliciting such a sexy groan from him that she was tempted to abandon her enterprise altogether, and just climb atop him and fuck him. But that wasn’t what she wanted. She felt him begin to lose control as she wrapped her lips around the head of his cock and began moving her head up and down, mouth sucking hard, tongue swirling wildly over the tip when she pulled back before taking him deep again. Esa’s moans grew deeper the longer Michelle prolonged the torture. She turned up the tempo by degrees, surprised to find how exciting it was to her to explore and taste him, especially when he begged, “Please,” in a hoarse voice, and his hands clutched at her quilt, his feet planted firmly on the bed so he could thrust deeper into her mouth.

Michelle smiled to herself; it was time for her final act of magic. And so, with a wet, hot, enthusiasm she knew would push him over the edge, her mouth moved up and down his dick with wild enthusiasm until finally, they were both rocked by the shudders of his body.