Highly Illogical Behavior (16 page)

L
isa hadn't been over to see Solomon in two days, and she knew he was probably a little thrown off by it. Or maybe he didn't really need her anymore. Maybe nobody did. But she needed him—at least until she could get out of there for good. Lisa had to be rational about this and stop letting her paranoia about Clark and Solomon jeopardize the entire plan. Whether they were in love or not, she couldn't let Solomon find out about that essay or he may never recover.

She needed to try, one more time, to convince Clark that keeping it a secret was the right thing to do. It wouldn't be easy, though, especially if he was keeping a secret of his own. But, for the time being, she was banking on Clark still being hers and that good ole Lisa Praytor charm to make things right again.

Just before she left her house for Clark's, Lisa decided to check her e-mail. Not surprisingly, it was already signed in to Clark's account. This happened all the time. He didn't have a laptop, and he was always borrowing hers when he
came over. Half the time, ever since school had let out, she just let him take it home with him.

She was about to log out when curiosity got the better of her and she started to scroll through his in-box. Most of the messages were from Solomon. She wasn't surprised because her in-box looked nearly the same. Solomon was sort of an insomniac, so sometimes he'd stay up really late and e-mail them links to funny videos or articles about dumb things like that coffee that comes from Asian tree cat feces.

Lisa read over a few of the e-mails before thinking to click on the Sent folder. When she did, the top message was one Clark had written to Solomon the previous night.

Sol-

I was thinking about yesterday and I just wanted to apologize again if I weirded you out. Let's go swimming tomorrow. With trunks. Ha-ha.

Clark

Lisa thought about crying, for just a second, but her breakdown at Janis's had destroyed her tear ducts. Instead, she walked downstairs, got in her car, and drove across town to Clark's house. She stood outside the front door for a few minutes before knocking, trying to talk herself out of dealing with this when it still hurt so bad. She just needed him to confess. If he lied to her, it would break her heart. Eventually, instead of knocking, she opened the always unlocked door and walked back to his bedroom.

“You have something you need to tell me?” she said from the doorway.

“What?” He turned back quickly to face her. He was sitting on the floor playing a video game.

“Why were you naked at Solomon's?”

“Are you kidding me? How'd you even know that?”

“I read your e-mail. Just answer the question.”

“You read my e-mail?” he asked, getting up off the floor. “Why would you do that?”

“Look, I'm glad I did or you'd try to stretch this out even longer.”

“Stretch what out? Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?”

“You want to explain to me what that e-mail meant?”

“I got to Sol's yesterday and the dude was skinny-dipping, so I just dropped my shorts and jumped in. I thought it would be funny.”

“It's not.”

“It's kind of funny,” he said. “He was just out there swimming around naked. I love that guy. He's so weird. I figured it wouldn't bother him. You know I have no shame. I spend most of my time wearing Speedos in front of complete strangers.”

“But he's gay. Don't take your clothes off in front of boys who like boys.”

“What are you, my grandmother?” he said. “Just because I'm a guy doesn't mean he wants to jump my bones.”

“You're right,” she said. “But he's obviously in love with you, and I'm not sure the feeling isn't mutual.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked, standing up. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him this angry. “So what you're
really
here to ask is if
I'm
gay?”

“We used to be together all the time, you know. Now I only see you at Sol's. It's like I pick you up, take you to daycare, and then take you home. And most of the time I'm just sitting there watching you guys fawn over each other.”

“I can't help we like the same stuff. You're the one who introduced us. And if you think that makes me gay, then maybe you're the last person who should be helping someone else.”

“Why can't you just tell me the truth, Clark?”

“You're really convinced, aren't you? Wow.”

“Well, the last time
I
saw you naked, you couldn't wait to get dressed and now I find out you're stripping down at Solomon's like it's no big deal.”

“Because it isn't,” he said, raising his voice. “Are you seriously
that
insecure?”

Lisa stayed silent for a few seconds, looking up at Clark where he stood. He was so aggravated his eyes were tearing over, and he stared down with a look of deep disappointment on his face.

“If you're not gay, then what's wrong with us?” she asked quietly.

“I don't know,” he said. “All you talk about is getting out of here. And we both know that even if you do get into Woodlawn, the chances of me going somewhere close by are pretty slim.”

“I can't afford to go without the essay anyway.”

“I'm sure you'll figure something out.”

“That's unlikely,” she said, standing up. “I feel crazy. I really do. I see the way you look at each other. The way you are together. It's so obvious.”

“Look, I can't help whatever feelings Sol has for me, okay? That's not my fault.”

“You keep going back,” she said. “Don't you think there's a reason you love going over there so much?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Because I finally have a friend who isn't completely self-consumed.”

“Clark just . . . be who you are and I'll still love you.”

“Get out,” he said, eerily calm. “Oh my God, get out. I'm done with this.”

Clark shut his bedroom door behind her, and she walked slowly down the hallway to the front door. She passed by Drew, shooting basketball in the driveway, but Lisa never said hello or even acknowledged her. She just got in her car and drove off.

If he was telling the truth, then that meant he'd fallen out of love with her for another reason, and she just wasn't ready to accept that. Her suspicions had been right, that was the only logical explanation for Clark's actions. He could deny it all he wanted to, but the second he told her to get out Lisa knew she didn't really know him anymore.

Clark was obviously too afraid to admit the truth. And why wouldn't he be—they lived in a town full of middle-class conservatives and a celebrated high school athlete coming out of the closet would be big news. And being the one gay guy on the water polo team did
not
sound like the kind of attention Clark would ever want or need. So she could see why telling her the truth was so hard for
him and why asking her to leave had been the smartest thing Clark could've done. Now she could help him, despite the heartache it would cause her.

She drove to Solomon's house and parked in the driveway. She knew he'd probably be outside where he wouldn't hear the doorbell, so she hopped the back fence. She immediately saw Solomon floating on a raft in the middle of the pool. He had on sunglasses, so she wasn't sure if he was asleep or awake until she stepped closer and he turned her way.

“Lisa! Thank God. It's too quiet here.”

“Hi,” she said, slipping off her flip-flops and sitting at the edge of the pool. She put both feet in and Solomon paddled his raft over toward her.

“What's up? Where's Clark?”

“Home,” she said. “We kind of had a fight.”

“Oh, I didn't know you guys did that.”

“We don't. Not usually. I don't know. He's been acting weird lately.”

“Weird how?”

“Well, I really only see him if it's over here. And, not that I don't like hanging with you or whatever, but, you know, it would be nice to get some time alone.”

“No, I get it,” he said, a guilty look on his face.

“I think he likes you,” she said, biting her lip and getting it over with.

“What?” He took off his sunglasses.

“I think maybe he likes you how he used to like me.”

“I don't think so, Lisa. You just need to talk to him.”

“I've known Clark for a long time, and I've never seen him as happy as he is over here. He gets around you and it's like he turns into a little kid again. And you can't tell me you don't feel the same. I know you do.”

“Lisa, I . . .”

“It's okay. I'm not mad. Please don't think I'm mad. I just didn't expect him to reciprocate, that's all. I thought we were safe.”

“Safe? Wow.”

“No, I didn't mean it like that.”

“I came out to my parents yesterday. My grandma, too.”

“Really? That's so great, Sol.”

“Is it? Or is it
dangerous
?”

“Come on.”

“Nothing's happened, just so you know. I'd never do that to you.”

“I know,” she said. “But maybe you should.”

“What?”

“I think he's stuck. He doesn't want to break my heart, maybe.”

“Oh,” he said, sliding off the raft and into the water. He waded over and leaned against the side of the pool by her legs.

“Do you love him?” she asked, looking down.

“That doesn't matter.”

“Yes it does. Do you? I think maybe you do.”

“I think so, yeah,” he said. “Sorry.”

“We've never had sex, you know? Not once.”

“I didn't. We don't really talk about that kind of stuff.”

“Never? It can't be games and TV all the time.”

“It sort of is, though. He isn't one for serious conversation. I'm sure you know that.”

“I do. But I think he's just scared. Maybe he's waiting for you.”

“This is so fucking weird. What is it you want me to do, Lisa?”

She'd never seen him so frustrated and, all at once, she realized how heavy this must've been weighing on him. Maybe he'd loved Clark this whole time. If Janis could find her soul mate at Camp Christ Is Risen, then surely it was possible for the two of them to fall in love playing dorky strategy games and watching shows about space travel.

“Tell him how you feel,” she said. She was holding back tears that had somehow found a way to fill her eyes.

“What if you're wrong?”

“I'm never wrong,” she said. “Tell me a good reason you two aren't perfect together, and I'll let you off the hook. I can learn to deal with this. I'd rather it be you than anyone else. It'll just be weird at first. Then maybe we'll laugh about it someday. Like,
Hey, remember when Clark and Lisa were together? That was a mistake
,
wasn't it?
”

“No one's going to say that.”

And then she saw that look on his face and was ready to help him count to ten and breathe slowly and get out of the pool. But this time it wasn't a panic attack. He was crying.

“I tried so hard not to love him, Lisa. Please know that,” he said quietly.

“I do,” she said. “It's not easy.”

“See why I am the way I am? You people are too complicated.”

“You're outside right now
and
you're in love. You're one of us, dude.”

“Shit,” he said. “I can't do it.”

“You can,” she said. “I know you can. And even if I'm wrong, won't you be glad you told him? So it's not torturing you?”

“I guess,” he said. “But what if he never talks to me again?”

“He's not like that,” she said. “He's Clark. He'll be okay.”

“So if he wouldn't tell you, what makes you think he'll tell me?”

“He won't have to,” she said. “You'll both just know. It's like that with love.”

“Well, the second I step outside, everything starts going to total shit.”

“There's no escaping it.”

“What?”

“Life.”

“Say you're sure,” he said. “Please.”

She thought about the question for a few seconds. She was sure of many things: that she wanted as far away from Upland as possible, that her mother would always be sad and lonely, and that Solomon would keep getting better, with or without her. These were inevitabilities. Time would prove that. But was this inevitable, too? Were Solomon and Clark meant to be together?

“Yeah,” she answered. “I'm sure.”

B
y all accounts, Solomon was doing better than ever. He had friends, he was going outside again, and his panic attacks were at a three-year low. Everything was looking up for him, considering how he'd spent the last few years. But now, with the thought of Clark secretly reciprocating his feelings and what that could mean for the three of them, Solomon couldn't help wondering how quiet and safe his life would still be had the two of them never shown up.

He didn't have much time to think about what he'd do, though, because just an hour after Lisa left, he heard someone banging on the front door. It was Clark, covered in sweat and bent over trying to catch his breath.

“Are you okay?” Solomon asked from inside the house.

“I . . . yeah . . . I just . . .” he said through his heavy breathing. “I just ran like four miles, I think.”

“From your house?”

“Yeah.”

“Impressive.”

“Is it a million degrees out or what?”

“Come in,” Solomon said, stepping out of the way. “I'll get you some water.”

Clark followed him into the kitchen and chugged two whole glasses of water. He leaned back against the counter, his hair dripping with sweat, and looked over at Solomon like he needed to tell him something. For a split second, Solomon got a rush in his chest like maybe it was about to happen—like the world he ran away from had still managed to send someone just for him. All Clark had to do was say it.

“What did she tell you?” he asked instead.

“She said you guys had a fight.” Solomon gripped the sides of the counter where he sat and tried not to let Clark see him shake.

“Did she tell you what it was about?”

“Sort of.”

“She thinks we're having a torrid affair or something.” Clark started to laugh, but stopped himself when he saw his friend's face.

“I think I love you,” Solomon said, staring down at the floor.

“Oh. Don't do that, man.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Oh my God,” Solomon said. “She was wrong.”

“Sorry,” Clark said.

“For what?”

“That . . . this is the way it is, I don't know. Sorry I can't be different.”

“This is the weirdest day of my life.”

“Mine too,” Clark said. “Why doesn't she believe me?”

“I don't know.”

“We've ruined your life, haven't we? We just showed up and brought all this bullshit with us.”

“You haven't ruined anything.”

“It'll be fine, right? Things will go back to normal and we'll laugh this all off.”

“We will?”

“Of course we will,” Clark said. “Unless I wake up gay one day and then everybody wins.”

Clark cringed, obviously afraid it hadn't landed right. But Solomon knew he was just being Clark—the guy who could always find a way to make you feel better than you should be feeling.

“Shut up,” Solomon said. “I can't believe she did this.”

“What do I do, man?”

“Do you still love her?”

“I think so.”

“You
think
so?”

“I've never fallen out of love before, so I think I still do, but maybe I just don't know the difference.”

“You'd know,” Solomon said. “You just have to look at your life before her and then after her and see which one you like better.”

“I don't think it's that easy.”

“Shouldn't it be, though?”

Solomon hopped down from the counter and waved for Clark to follow him. They walked out into the backyard and each took a seat by the pool. For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do by a pool, to sit there soaking up the sun in
silence, but it was about to make Solomon lose his mind.

“Why does she hate it here so much?” he asked.

“She's not like us, man.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her family. There's always some drama. Her mom . . . she just . . . she's not great. She's nice enough, but everything's got to be about her. You live long enough with somebody like that and getting as far away as possible becomes your best option. I think that's what happened with Lisa's dad, but she never talks about it.”

“And you like it here.”

“I do. It's home, you know? I've got my family. I've got you now. I don't need to leave.”

“Me neither.”

“Dude, I hope you don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I'd switch places with you in a second.”

Solomon believed him, too. It was the thing they had most in common—all they wanted was a quiet place to be invisible and pretend the world away. And that's exactly what they had before things got weird. Now, no matter what they told themselves or each other, it would always be different. After all, no first love goes away overnight, especially one that's always right in front of you, but just out of your reach.