Hienama (13 page)

Gesaril stared at me with dull
eyes. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything.’

‘If you want to go home, I will
arrange it. If you don’t, well…’ I shrugged. ‘Gesaril, you do
understand the arrangement between Ysobi and I, don’t you?’

‘He had a harling with you,’
Gesaril said. ‘He said he’d always wanted to try, see if he could
do it. But…’

‘There is no but,’ I said. ‘He
is the father of this harling. He has responsibilities. I can’t let
you have him, Gesaril. You should know: you are not the first.’

‘And neither are you,’ he said,
a spark coming into his eyes. Then he sighed and turned his head to
the side on the pillow. ‘I wish I hadn’t come here.’

A sentiment I shared. ‘You’re
sick. You should be at home. Ysobi is not the right teacher for
you.’

‘He is,’ Gesaril said, raising
himself on his elbows. His voice sounded feverish. ‘He is. When I’m
with him, I’m whole. He says I’ll get better.’

There were some things I had to
know. I realised that Gesaril might well lie to me, but I just
wanted to see his face as he answered me, hoping I had enough
intuition to know the truth. ‘Gesaril, what exactly have you been
led to believe the future holds for you with Ysobi?’

‘He’ll never forsake me,’
Gesaril said. ‘He told me that. He holds me in his arms at night
and tells me that. He kisses my hair. It’s meant to be. You’re
being cruel, holding that harling over him. He wants to be free,
can’t you see?’

‘You’re hardly more than a
child,’ I said. ‘You know nothing, Gesaril. You sought to ensnare
Ysobi, and you were clever about it. He can’t resist you, maybe,
but it’s the challenge of you he’s attracted to, nothing else. If I
left Jesith tomorrow and never came back, do you really think you
could keep him? Don’t fool yourself. I have too many friends here.
Your life would be a misery and eventually there’d be another
student. Trust me, I know. I know the way it is, and I’m old enough
to cope with it. You wouldn’t have a chance.’

Gesaril flopped back on the
bed, staring at the ceiling. His throat convulsed. ‘I can’t fight
you, Jassenah, but when he knows you’ve been here, you’ll be
sorry.’

I laughed spitefully. ‘Oh, my
dear harling, that is not the case. Look at you. Look at me. If you
want to drown, then do so. I’ll watch from the edge of the
bottomless pool. I have great patience. But think on this: When you
are with him, then I am there too. Don’t ever doubt it. I’ll always
be with you, Gesaril. You’ll feel me around, trust me.’

He stared at me, and I stared
back. I fancied I saw in his eyes a slight shift, as if he was
recalling sending bad thoughts my way.

I smiled sweetly. ‘That’s all I
have to say to you. Return to your troubled dreams. Sleep
well.’

With these words, I left
him.

I was numb, inside and out.
Half of what I’d said I hadn’t meant and yet at the time when I’d
stood by Gesaril’s bed I’d been somehar else, somehar far more
vengeful than I normally was.

I walked back to town, full of
conflicting plans, and Zeph whispered mournfully in my ear, ‘Jassy,
don’t.’ But I couldn’t respond to him. I could feel his fear,
however; the closest I’d come to mind touch with him.

‘I’m sorry, Zeph,’ I said, ‘but
I’ve got some business to attend to, and I need the space to do it.
Where would you like to stay: Fahn’s or Minnow and Vole’s?’

He didn’t answer at first. Then
said, ‘Fahn’s.’

I went home first and put some
stuff into a bag for Zeph. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I
was aware that Zeph shouldn’t be around me at that time. Zeph sat
on top of my bed and watched me with grave eyes. ‘That har in the
bed at Sinnar’s is bad,’ he said.

‘I know. Don’t worry.
Everything will be OK.’

I drank some wine and, while Zeph dozed
on the sofa, waited in the darkness for when I thought the band
would finish at the Pool. I wasn’t expecting Ysobi that night. I
guess I knew where he’d be now. I couldn’t believe he’d done this
to me. It seemed such a grubby, shallow thing to do; so
human
. I felt disgusted, hurt, betrayed and furious. If he’d
wanted that har so much, he should have told me. I’d given him the
chance, for Ag’s sake. And yet why did he want Gesaril? The har was
a mess. He was barely even attractive now.

I watched the old clock that
ticked away obliviously above the hearth in my sitting room. It had
seen so many ages, that clock. It had ticked for the human family
that had once lived here. I wondered how they’d ended and if the
clock had just kept ticking all the way through.

Around 3 a.m., I left the house
and went to Fahn’s place. If he wasn’t there, I’d wait for him.
Maybe. Or maybe I’d go to Minnow’s. I didn’t know what to do. I
didn’t know what I was planning even. But there was a light in
Fahn’s kitchen. I looked through the window, Zeph in my arms, and
saw Fahn had a few friends back. They were drinking, laughing,
talking loudly. Too happy. I projected a mind touch in the hope
Fahn would hear me. He turned almost at once, and without saying
anything to his friends, came outside. He dragged me away from the
window.

‘Jass,’ he said, then shook his
head. I knew he wanted to embrace me, because Fahn was a great one
for physical contact, but he could tell my skin was on fire and he
might get burned if he tried it.

‘Will you look after Zeph for
me for a while?’ I said crisply.

He stared at me. ‘If that’s
what you want.’

‘It is. Look, you’ve probably
guessed, but Zehn has told me… certain things. I need some space to
think about it.’

‘You think I’m a bad friend
now, right, because I didn’t tell you?’ Fahn looked very pale in
the starlight, his arms folded defensively.

‘No. Zehn explained. It doesn’t
matter. I’m the fool, not you, nor any of the others. Here.’ I
handed Zeph to him, who was uncharacteristically silent. He clung
to Fahn at once and buried his face in the har’s luxurious red
mane.

‘It might not be what you
think,’ Fahn said. ‘We might all be wrong.’

‘That might be so,’ I said.

‘But if you want any help
beating the crap out of that Shadowvales scum, you know where to
come.’

I smiled. ‘Yeah. Thanks, Fahn.
In a way, I saw it coming.’

I kissed the back of Zeph’s
head. He would not look at me. A pang of guilt slipped through me,
but I couldn’t think of his feelings now. My future was hanging in
the balance; both our futures.

I just walked into the night.
As I walked, I thought about how female I’d become; something that
at the start of my Wraeththu life, I couldn’t believe would ever
happen. I’d always appreciated I had the female parts, which I’d
viewed as eminently useful and pleasurable, but in some ways I’d
looked upon myself as simply a modified male. Now I realised I had
the female psyche too. I thought differently. We all did. I
imagined that I felt like all the betrayed wives and mothers of the
old human world had felt. It was interesting, this perspective. As
a human, I’d often been violent, but it had been a brute animal
thing, without reason. The violence inside me now was focused, like
an arrow. If I unleashed it, it would go straight to the heart. No
flailing limbs, no coarse cries. It was far more devastating. I
knew the wiles of women, now; knew them through and through. It was
astounding to discover that in so many ways they’d been the
stronger sex. If the boy I’d once been had ever guessed he’d turn
out like this, he would probably have drowned himself. But the fact
was, I didn’t care about it. I was glad. I felt very alive in that
vibrant spring night. My pain was like fireworks, filling up the
sky with light.

Just before dawn, I found
myself at Zehn’s doorstep. Even as I knocked on his door, I knew
this was probably the wrong thing to do, but the fact was I needed
comfort. Zehn loved me and desired me. He would be full of
righteous anger on my behalf. He would hold me and say things I
wanted to hear.

I had to knock several times
before I roused him and then I realised he probably wasn’t alone.
He came to the door, opened it and stood staring at me for some
seconds. His face was utterly without expression, his hair mussed
from sleep, or passion, or both.

‘Here I am,’ I said, in an arch
voice.

He lowered his head and
appraised me from beneath his brows. ‘Are you here to rip my head
off?’

‘No. I’m here to let you enjoy
saying “I told you so.” Can I come in?’

He hesitated a moment, then
nodded. ‘Yes, of course.’

I went into his kitchen, which
was as disorderly as I’d imagined it would be. There were empty
bottles on the table, two stone goblets. ‘Is Arken here?’

‘Mmm.’ Zehn cleared a space for
me to sit down, since every chair was covered in clothes, crocks,
bits of horse tackle, and other junk. ‘What did you do last
night?’

‘I investigated, as you
suggested.’

He sat down opposite me and
folded his arms on the table. ‘And?’

‘You were right,’ I said. ‘I
have to think what to do next, and wanted to talk to you. Do you
mind?’

He shook his head slowly. I
think he did mind, actually. Could I blame him? I’d run to him as a
last resort. It was insulting.

I sighed and ran my fingers
through my hair. ‘It’s OK. This was a bad move. I’ll go.’ I stood
up.

‘No,’ he said. ‘Don’t. I’ll
make some coffee.’ He went to the narrow stairs and yelled,
‘Ark!’

Arken appeared shortly
afterwards. When he saw me, I could see he wasn’t pleased, not
because of anything to do with Zehn and me, but because I was an
emotional casualty and he wasn’t sure what to say.

‘Excuse me for being here,’ I
said to him. ‘I won’t stay long.’

‘Are you… um… all right?’ Arken
asked.

‘Fairly.’

He went to Zehn and put his
arms around him. ‘I’ll head off, don’t worry.’

‘You don’t have to go,’ I
said.

‘I think I do,’ he said. ‘Talk
with Zehn. It’s no problem.’

After Arken had left, Zehn and
I did not talk. He made some cursory attempt to clear up and made
the coffee. Then we sat in silence at the table, sipping drinks
that were too hot. Eventually, Zehn sighed and put down his mug.
‘Why are you here, Jass?’

‘I don’t know. I just found
myself here. I’ve been walking around all night.’

‘Did you find them
together?’

‘No. I talked to the little
shit, though. I’m not Mori, Zehn. I’m not going to fall apart.
However, I’ve yet to decide whether I can stay here.’

‘You should get away for a
couple of days maybe,’ Zehn said.

I laughed harshly. ‘Like
where?’

‘Shadowvales. I know the little
shit comes from there, but it’s a tranquil place and it’s close.
It’d be good for you.’

‘I don’t know anyhar there
though. I’m not sure I want to be alone.’ I rubbed my hair again.
‘Hell, I don’t know what to do.’

‘I’ll take you to the
Shadowvales,’ Zehn said. ‘If you want to go.’

I stared at him for a few
moments. ‘You don’t have to do that.’

‘Of course I don’t, but I
will.’

‘That’s good of you.
Thanks.’

‘I said I was your friend, and
I meant it. Despite appearances, I think it’s right you came to me.
I’m just not entirely sure how I feel about it. You know what I
want to say to you, and I’m sure you suspect my motives.’

‘You think I should finish it,
of course. Don’t worry. I doubt you’ll be alone with that
advice.’

‘It’s difficult for me to
advise you because of how much I feel for you.’ It was the first
time he’d actually admitted it so openly. ‘I’m not unbiased. Some
hara will think badly of me if I go away with you.’

‘Like Arken?’

Zehn laughed softly. ‘No, not
him. He’s the first har I’ve ever been truly honest with, I think.
He knows all about you.’

‘I see…’

‘So, before we do anything
else, I have to say certain things, get them off my chest.’

‘All right.’

He took a deep breath. ‘I could
kill him for what he’s done to you. He’s so fucking privileged. He
has what I want, and he treats it as nothing. I don’t want to hear
anything remotely flattering about him, or any justifications you
might want to concoct for him. I don’t even want to hear or speak
his name. He’s a prize-winning shit, an arrogant fuck and totally
stupid. I would never treat you that way, ever.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know you’d
never treat me that way.’

‘And I can never have you, not
like he has you. I know that. You’ll probably take aruna with me
some time in the near future, because you’ll need the closeness,
and I’ll take what I can get. I think you’re fond of me, but it’ll
never be like what you feel for that… Anyway, I just had to say
it.’

‘I know.’

‘Don’t patronise me, Jass.’

‘I’m not. I don’t know what
else to say.’

‘Do you still love him?’

‘I don’t know. It’s impossible
to tell. At the moment, I could cheerfully hang him from the
nearest oak.’

Zehn grinned. ‘I have a
rope.’

I didn’t tell anyhar where I
was going. I knew Zeph would be fine with Fahn. Let them all wonder
what had happened to me. Let them all put two and two together when
Arken told them I’d visited Zehn and they noticed Zehn was missing
too. Why I felt I should punish my friends instead of the one har
who truly deserved it, I have no idea. Ysobi would no doubt be
unconcerned about my disappearance. He might even feel relief. I
knew I was in a dangerous situation. It would be so easy to fall
into Zehn’s arms, and give him what he wanted. But that wouldn’t be
fair. Not really. Because I wanted Ysobi to be jealous. I wanted
him to realise he wanted me.

The Shadowvales is a beautiful
location, hidden in a deep cove, its buildings huddled against the
black cliffs. The hara there were mystical and serene. I found it
hard to imagine them having emotional crises. Zehn and I took a
room, which fortunately we could pay for with sins (I never tire of
the humorous aspect of those words), in a sway-backed old inn, run
by three hara who looked as if they belonged in a medieval fantasy
of wayward fairy folk. It took us only two hours to ride there from
Jesith, so we took lunch in a room that looked down into the narrow
harbour. ‘I think we’re too human,’ I said to Zehn.