Hienama (16 page)

I knew he was right, but I
didn’t want it to be me. I wanted Ysobi to come to me, to tell me
he loved me best of all. I might snarl at him in reply, but I
wouldn’t know what I really felt until I heard him say he cared for
me truly. My head was in a constant spin, knowing he was so close
and yet so far.

I also kept away from Zehn, not
least because late at night I wanted to go to his bed for comfort,
which I knew was unfair. I did send him a gift, which was a bunch
of red tulips, bound with ribbon and attached with a note that
said, ‘It’s not the season for forget-me-nots, but these flowers
are the colour of the passion you gave to me. Our time together
will be with me always.’

He sent no responding note. It would
take weeks before we could spend time in each other’s company
again.

Every time I went to work and
bumped into Sinnar, I was conscious of not having done the things
he wanted me to do. On the afternoon of the second day, I gave in
and went to his office. ‘Can I have an hour or so off, please?’

He studied me. ‘For?’

‘Unfinished business,’ I
said.

Sinnar nodded and went back to
his paperwork. ‘Take the rest of the day off.’

Gesaril was out in the garden
when I arrived at Sinnar’s house. He was kneeling in the soil,
tidying up the plants, pulling out last year’s dead wood. He was so
deep in thought he didn’t hear me approach and only became aware of
my presence when he sensed me looming behind him. His astonished
jump was comical.

‘Hello, Gesaril,’ I said.
‘Sinnar has asked me to come and tell you I haven’t cursed
you.’

Gesaril’s face flushed. He
turned back to his task and didn’t say anything.

‘Lost your tongue?’ I enquired.
‘You were fairly full of things you wanted to say a few nights
ago.’

‘I shouldn’t have said
anything,’ he said. ‘Please go.’

‘Sorry, I can’t. I made a
promise. Do you really think you’re cursed?’

He glanced at me. ‘You know
that I am.’

‘If I did that, I lift it here
and now,’ I said.

He ignored me.

‘Look,’ I said, then sighed.
‘Gesaril, what happened was not just your fault, and it was wrong
of me to have confronted you that way. I was angry. You might have
done the same in my position.’

He stopped what he was doing
then and watched me warily, perhaps wondering whether this apparent
pleasant front concealed weapons.

I hunkered down in front of
him. ‘Will you tell me the truth?’

‘About what?’

‘You and Ysobi.’

He nodded, frowning, not
meeting my eyes. ‘What do you want to know?’

‘That time, when he began the
arunic arts with you – did he really hurt you?’

He glanced at me then, quickly,
then away. ‘I should have told him,’ he said, ‘but I couldn’t.’

‘Told him what?’

Gesaril shook his head,
half-heartedly pulled a dead stalk from the ground. ‘I know about
Orphie,’ he said, which could have meant anything.

I shrugged, gestured with both
hands, hoping he’d go on.

‘Bad things happen,’ he said.
‘I think the towns we live in are bubbles. They’re like dreams in
bubbles. Outside, it’s different.’

My thighs were aching, so I sat
down. ‘Are you talking about what happened to Orphie’s hostling?’
My voice was slightly sharp, because as far as I knew there was
only one har who could tell him such a thing, and it certainly
wasn’t Orphie. The only har I’d told was Ysobi.

Gesaril nodded again, still
unable to meet my eyes. ‘There were five of us. We thought we were
safe. Everyhar thought we were safe, because the Shadowvales is a
magical place. We were playing on the beach, some miles from town.
They came in from the sea, that’s all. Two of us got away.’

I stared at him. ‘What are you
saying?’

Gesaril’s gaze was unfocused;
he looked right through me. ‘I was five years old. My parents told
me I’d forget, that I was har and therefore I’d heal properly,
through and through.’ He fixed me with his eyes. ‘Sometimes, I see
those creatures in the fields. I can’t be sure it’s not real. I
heard about Orphie. These things happen.’

He returned to his weeding. I
stared at his back for some moments. My mouth had gone dry.
‘Gesaril, are you saying that somehar committed pelki on you when
you were a harling?’

He nodded, but didn’t stop what
he was doing. ‘They were har, but they didn’t look like it. They
were insane. Animals. Full of hate. To them, harlings were
loathsome.’

‘Why didn’t your hara tell any
of us about this?’

‘Because they think it’s over,
that I’m all right. That’s the way things are in the Shadowvales.
Bad things aren’t allowed to exist. It’s all serene.’

‘Gesaril, look at me.’

He didn’t for a few seconds,
but then turned round.

‘How did you get through
feybraiha?’

He shrugged. ‘My friend was
with me. He was young, it wasn’t too demanding. I like aruna,
Jassenah. That’s not the problem.’

‘Then, what is?’

‘If I’m careful, it’s OK. If
I’m ouana, it’s OK. I usually am.’ He laughed sadly. ‘I can see
what you’re thinking. You’ve decided what kind of har I am. What
was it you called me to your friends? A soume shrew?’

I wasn’t pleased somehar had
felt it necessary to tell him that. ‘Well...’

‘It doesn’t matter. I know what
I’m like. It’s like a shout to the world to say I’m not damaged,
that I’m fine. I envy hara like you, because you really are fine. I
saw your contempt for me the first minute I laid eyes on you. You
see, I have a brain. I have feelings. Sorry to shatter your
illusions.’

This conversation had taken a
surreal turn. ‘No,
I’m
sorry.’

‘Don’t be. You didn’t misjudge
me. I tried to take Ysobi off you. I admit that. I do love him,
despite what happened. You know what it was like? Rocks cracking,
the earth breaking apart. I could hear myself ripping. It was too
loud. I felt like I was bleeding inside myself, leaking into every
organ. I thought I’d die. It brought it all back, but then Ysobi
was there for me, helping me through it. I know I should have told
him the history. I didn’t want to, because I hate it. So, the
answer to your original question is yes, he really hurt me. Is
there anything else you want to know?’

Only minutes before, he’d been
unable to meet my eyes, now our gazes were locked. ‘Did you really
try to kill yourself while I was dropping Zeph’s pearl?’

‘Yes and no. I didn’t care if I
lived or died, but I wanted Ysobi to stay with me. There were…
shadows… in his garden. Sometimes, they’d come right up to the
window. I thought they were waiting for me to be alone. It wasn’t
about love that day. Something else. Does that satisfy you?’

‘Have you told anyhar else in
Jesith these things?’

‘No. I’m only telling you
because I know Ysobi’s in trouble over me. He shouldn’t be blamed.
I’m fucked up. I’ve been thinking how I could tell Sinnar or Tibar,
but since you’re here, I might as well tell you. They’ll send me
home, won’t they?’

I ducked my head. ‘They want a
har from Kyme to talk to you first. Sinnar has told Ysobi he
mustn’t continue with your training.’

‘You must be pleased about
that.’

I was silent for a moment. ‘Has
Ysobi been coming here to take aruna with you?’

Gesaril stared at me unabashed.
‘He comes to me because I’m afraid. We’ve taken aruna twice since
I’ve been here. I’ve hidden from him all that lies inside me. He’s
been soume for me. He makes me feel better. He’s so strong. But
then so are you. I can’t fight you. I’ve already told you that. We
both tried to curse each other, Jassenah, and it was pointless. I
tried to use magic to make Ysobi mine, but it all backfired. It’s
sad, because I know he could heal me, but it’d take more than just
a hienama and student relationship. I got here too late.’

His words actually astounded
me. ‘I appreciate your honesty, but I think you’ve played on the
fact that Ysobi hurt you and opened you up to these weird
hallucinations you’re having.’

‘Probably. Wouldn’t you?’
Gesaril laughed bitterly. ‘Not that it’s got me anywhere. He’s
tried to help me, but I know he won’t risk his position for me. It
means more to him than any living har, and that includes you. Like
you said, there’ll always be students.’

I stood up. ‘Thank you for
speaking to me. Do you want me to tell Sinnar what you’ve told
me?’

‘I suppose you must.’ Again, a
bleak laugh. ‘You must be confused now. I’m pathetic, a creature to
be pitied, but I’m also the soume shrew who came between you and
Ysobi. Don’t bother pitying me. It’s not you who’s stopping me
having him, it’s myself. I can’t let his reputation be ruined. He
means more to me than that. And the fuss you’ve made means his
reputation is hanging by a thread.’

‘Actually, it’s more than that,
Gesaril. This has happened before – twice.’

‘I’m not surprised. He’s an
exceptional har. You can go now. There’s nothing else I want to say
to you.’

‘There’s nothing else I want to
hear.’

I walked back to town, thinking
how right I’d been and also how wrong. Nothing in life is ever
simple. It’s a tangled web, which gets ever more complex the more
closely you examine it. I went to the stone circle in the woods and
there sat down. Bluebells were slowly casting a blue shawl across
the forest lawn. In this place, I spoke to Aruhani.

His just reward is truth,
that’s all. I dismiss my anger. Let it be gone.

I then spent some time
visualising a healing situation for Gesaril, and it wasn’t as
difficult as I feared it would be. My anger really had
disappeared.

I took the long way round to
the Nayati, following paths on the edge of town that kept me away
from others.

Aeron and Orphie were both there when I
arrived, but Zeph was not. Orphie looked relieved to see me, but
also anxious. I said to Ysobi, ‘Can we talk now? Or should I come
back later?’

Ysobi studied me for some
seconds. ‘We should talk now,’ he said and turned to his students.
‘Carry on. I’ll be back shortly.’ He directed me into the Nayati
itself.

We stood in the empty hall that
smelled of incense and wood and the cut greenery that decorated it.
Ysobi stood before me with his arms folded, his face
expressionless. ‘What do you want to say, Jass?’

‘Where’s Zeph?’

‘One of my colleagues has taken
him out. He’s learning about the forests.’

‘Oh. OK.’ I paused, took a
breath. ‘I’ve been to see Gesaril.’

Ysobi shifted his weight from
one foot to the other. ‘Did you apologise to him as Sinnar
asked?’

‘Sort of. I told him he wasn’t
cursed. Mainly, I asked him some questions.’

‘And what evidence did the
prosecution uncover, then?’

‘That Gesaril was the victim of
pelki as a young harling, which has contributed greatly to his
current condition.’

Ysobi’s eyes widened, and I saw
his professional self slip into him at once. ‘Really? Is that
true?’

‘I believe him,’ I said. ‘It
explains a lot. He also confessed to the fact he was – as he put it
– trying to take you off me.’

Ysobi put one hand against his
mouth for some moments. ‘He hid his past well, too well.’

‘The hallucinations were real,
I think. He sees his attackers. The arunic training must have
opened up parts of his mind to such things. He hasn’t got over the
experience, clearly.’

‘Astounding,’ Ysobi said. ‘And
tragic.’ He gestured abruptly. ‘Of course: these figures he sees
could be thoughtforms, conjured by his own mind.’

I nodded. ‘Probably. Well, it
lets you off the hook. Gesaril is concerned for your reputation. I
don’t think he has any intention of returning to the Shadowvales
and bad-mouthing your methods, as Sinnar fears. He
is
in
love with you.’

Ysobi rubbed his face. ‘I
didn’t intend for that to happen.’

‘Maybe not. Look, if you want
to go to him, then do. I won’t cause any trouble about it. I’m
tired of it all. It makes me feel tainted.’

‘It wouldn’t be fair to go to
him,’ Ysobi said. ‘I can’t give him what he wants.’

‘You said something similar to
me, once.’

‘Even if you weren’t here, if
we’d never happened, I wouldn’t go to him, Jass. I never lied to
you about my feelings.’

I shrugged. ‘Well, whatever.
You were right. It seems I can’t cope with what you do. I’ve turned
on you, as Morien did, and maybe the one before did too.’

Ysobi considered this. ‘It’s
only Gesaril you can’t cope with. I didn’t cope with him too well,
either. I have a blind spot. I can’t see the shadows flying in on
me. Sinnar’s right. I need to address it.’

‘Funny how these shadows have
shown up whenever you’ve taken a chesnari.’

‘Perhaps an important lesson.’
He paused. ‘Where have you been these last few days?’

I held his gaze boldly. ‘In the
Shadowvales. No, don’t look like that. I wasn’t searching for
evidence about Gesaril. Zehn took me there, as you no doubt know. I
needed him, Yz. I needed to try and forget you, because I was so
hurt.’

I was gratified by the
expression of displeasure that crossed Ysobi’s face. ‘Was that fair
to him?’

‘No. Mightily unfair, probably.
But Zehn knows the score.’

‘And what is that exactly?’

‘I can’t give him what he
wants.’

Ysobi’s gaze was unflinching.
‘Can you give
me
what I want?’

My heart stilled for a moment.
‘I don’t know. Can I? What is it you want?’

Ysobi sighed deeply and was
silent for some moments, then said, ‘What we had. I miss it.
Perhaps it was just a dream, after all.’

‘No, you’re wrong. Chesna isn’t
a dream. It’s gritty and real. It has to be nurtured, maintained
and monitored. We didn’t do that. It was a mistake we both
made.’