Hiding In His Dreams (18 page)

Like a zombie, he stared at the screen,
but the images did not register as meaningful in his
mind.

Giving up, he went over to the window
and gazed out at the day. Rain lightly knocked on the glass window,
leaving trails streaming down the pane. The sun tried to peek out
from behind the clouds, but the clouds blocked it out stubbornly.
This was not typical summer weather.

The urge to see his wife was there. It
was an itch that screamed desperately for a good scratch, but he
had no idea which area on his body to scratch.

He had a sudden urge to pop in some
more sleeping pills. The convenience store just on the corner of
his street would certainly have them in stock. Then he remembered
Mike’s concerned expression and Dr. Jones’ disapproving look at the
mention of sleeping pills.

He thought about what the psychiatrist
had said. Marrying Alyssa in his dreams was a way to make up for
not having done that in real life.

There was truth to it, Luke
thought.

Regardless of whether Alyssa was really
coming to him or that she was merely a figment of his dreams, it
did make him feel better when he saw her. That much he
knew.

Maybe the doctor was right about all
that psychobabble about the subconscious, he thought.

Even then, his suspicions were
confirmed though. The psychiatrist had helped very little. He still
felt about the same. He decided he would not go back to see the
doctor.

In any case, he did not
care.

All he wanted to do now was to fall
asleep.

He took one step to his right to get a
different view of the city. He could see the gray sky train track
curving around like a snake. He scanned the tops of apartment
buildings, the field in nearby Confederation Park, and Kingsway
Secondary School.

Everything was wet and gray. It made
him feel like sleeping.

He took another step and bumped into
something. Rubbing his shoulder, he turned around and inspected
it.

It was a treadmill.

He had forgotten about it. Alyssa had
insisted that they buy it when she realized that Luke had put on a
few pounds. Late nights sitting at the office and eating McDonalds’
burgers could do that to anyone.

Looking at the treadmill, he had an
idea. Dr. Jones had mentioned exercise as a natural way to induce
sleep. Luke decided he would run on the treadmill until he was too
tired to stay awake.

He took off his T shirt,
stripped to his boxers and hopped on. He pressed the
Quick Start
button and the
conveyor belt started to move. He pressed the
Increase Speed
button until it was at
a 5.0.

The machine whirred and the conveyer
belt began to speed up, making a loud grinding sound. It was going
as fast as the pace for sprinting in the Olympics.

Luke felt his heart wallop. Sweat was
attacking his forehead already. He held onto the bar and ran as
fast as he could.

He kept up the speed for a
good thirty minutes. When he felt like his legs would cave from
under him, he hopped off the treadmill and slumped down onto the
couch, his face caked with sweat. He looked at the
Calories
icon. He had
burned 350 calories in half an hour.

Exhausted, he closed his eyes. He
pictured Alyssa in his mind. Alyssa in his silky white dress, her
beautiful smile, her soulful eyes.

* * * * *

After a minute of rest, he realized he
was above the clouds again. It was gray, as gray as the current day
in the waking world.

Sitting on a cloud, he felt his feet
dangling.

It was still. But cold.

“
Alyssa?” he said
softly.

He waited and looked around.

Nothing. Nothing but empty
space.

“
Alyssa?” he tried
again.

Still nothing.

Maybe the Raindrop and Wind did get her
after all, he thought.

He hung his head and wrapped his arms
around himself, rocking back and forth.

It was getting colder with each passing
minute.

* * * * *

Chapter 14

When Luke woke up, he saw that the rain
had stopped. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes, and stared out the
window. It was still gray.

She had not shown up that time. Maybe
she really was gone, he thought.

He felt really groggy and disoriented.
He had been sleeping way too much over the last few days. He did
not feel well.

He saw that the TV was still on. CTV
NewsNet was reporting that a serial killer was on the loose in the
Montreal area. The time at the bottom of the screen read 4
pm.

Luke knew he needed to assess his
life.

His wife was dead. His career was dead.
His parents were both long dead and he was not close to any of his
extended family members. He had almost no friends except for Mike.
He had just seen a psychiatrist.

His life was in the gutter.

I need to pick myself up, he thought. I
have to stop falling asleep just to see Alyssa.

But he knew it would be
tough.

I need to see her one last time, he
thought. Just to say goodbye.

* * * * *

For the next three nights, he slept
soundly but did not dream. He did not see Alyssa, no matter how
much he willed himself to dream of her.

Each time, he woke up all sweaty and
disappointed.

Each morning, he ordered himself to get
out of bed, but every time, he could not muster the willpower. What
was the point?

He woke up on the fourth day and stared
out the window. Even though it was sunny, he could feel no joy in
the light.

It was then that he knew he had a
problem.

So he dragged himself out of bed and
went to see Dr. Jones.

* * * * *

The doctor perused the test results in
his hands.

“
Your MRI looks fine to me.
Everything else looks fine to me. You mentioned lack of appetite,
unwillingness to get out of bed, and sleeping heavily and often.
Those sound like signs of depression.”

Luke merely nodded. He knew this was
coming.

The psychiatrist took out his
prescription pad and scribbled something, then tore off a page.
“This is a prescription for Prozac, a potent antidepressant. Take
it once a day in the evening, after dinner.”

He handed the prescription to
Luke.

Luke stared at it. I don’t want to rely
on pills to make me happy, he thought. But I did. I relied on
sleeping pills to make me happy.

* * * * *

When Luke got home, he stared vacantly
at the prescription for antidepressants. He did not want to go to
the pharmacy for it. He did not want to take it. He was sure that
if he saw Alyssa one more time, and said his goodbyes, he would
feel better. He would be able to pick himself up and move
on.

He tore up the prescription and threw
the little pieces into the garbage can. He would not see a
psychiatrist again.

* * * * *

That night, he could not sleep. He
tossed and turned, but the sweet release of sleep would not
come.

He got up and shuffled into the living
room. He looked at the treadmill, but did not feel like going
on.

He knew there was only one thing to
do.

Luke got dressed and went down to the
convenience store on the corner of the street. Rumble Market. The
blinding glare of the artificial lights hurt his eyes as he stepped
into the store.

An old Asian man behind the counter
grunted, then said, “Can’t sleep?” The old man was bald and missing
several front teeth.

Luke shook his head. “Nope. Give me a
bottle of SleepAid.”

The grocer turned around and reached
for the bottle on the shelf. He put it on the counter. “$4.99,
please.”

Luke handed the man a five-dollar
bill.

As the man handed Luke a penny, he
said, “Be careful with those. Pretty powerful. Can knock you out
with just one pill.”

Luke picked up the bottle and rattled
it. It sounded full.

“
And what would happen if I
took two?”

“
Deep sleep,” the owner
said. “Very deep sleep.”

“
And three?”

“
Don’t take three,” the old
man warned. “Dangerous. Says so on bottle.”

Luke read the directions in the
blinding light.

Do not take more than two
per night, except under the supervision of a licensed
physician.

He thought he knew what taking three
would do.

Instant death.

* * * * *

When he got back, he lay down on his
bed and popped a pill into his mouth, then had some
water.

He closed his eyes, but his mind was
restless.

So he took another one.

He still could not sleep.

For a moment, he seriously considered
taking a third. What could death mean to him right now? His career
was over. That was practically his identity. He had been stripped
naked of that.

And Alyssa was dead. He no longer had a
purpose.

Career and love. Both dead.

No purposes anymore.

He reached for a pill and was about to
put it in his mouth when he remembered the promise he had made to
Alyssa.

She was furious when he had tried to
jump off the balcony. He had promised her he would not kill
himself, no matter how bad it got. She had said he had to live.
There were things to live for. New purposes. He just did not know
which ones.

As he was thinking, somehow, he fell
asleep, the bottle of sleeping pills falling onto his bed
sheets.

* * * * *

In his dreams, he was back above the
clouds again. The air was Autumn crisp. Luke took a breath. The air
filled and expanded his lungs and made him want more. He took
another breath and savored it.

He looked around. The clouds were
drifting. It was sunset. Or sunrise. He could not tell which. A
deep carrot orange light glossed over the clouds, and his
face.

He felt calm, tranquil.

Did he dare try to summon
Alyssa?

“
Alyssa?” he whispered into
the silence.

No reply.

“
Alyssa?” he tried
again.

He waited for it. A wind blew past him.
It was light and comfortable.

But no Alyssa.

“
Alyssa?” he repeated, this
time with more force.

He would not give up until she showed
up.

He scanned his environment. Just wisps
of floating clouds.

“
Luke,” a female voice
murmured.

He turned his head and there she
was.

“
Alyssa!” he exclaimed, then
rushed into her.

Her soft hair tickled his face as he
buried himself in her shoulder.

“
I thought you were gone,”
he cried. He was speaking rapidly now. He was afraid if he spoke
too slowly, she would disappear and he would lose her
again.

Reluctantly, he pried himself from her
shoulder and surveyed his wife. She was in the same milky white
evening gown. Her long brown hair was parted in the centre. She
looked relaxed.

He leaned his head on her shoulder
again. “I thought you were a goner,” he said.

“
I escaped, but I don’t know
how long I can stay. The Wind has spies everywhere.”

She glanced around nervously. He had
seen this look many times already.

“
I don’t have long,” she
said.

Then, she looked at him with a serious
expression. “Don’t’ you try to kill yourself again.” She shoved him
on the shoulder.

When she saw his surprised expression,
she said, “That’s right. Don’t you remember? I know what happens in
the waking world.”

Luke said nothing.

“
You’re depressed,” Alyssa
said, her tone softer. “You saw a psychiatrist. You’re wondering if
this is real. It is. My spirit still lingers in your mind, but
you’re not dreaming of me. I’m just meeting you in your dreams
because I can‘t meet you anywhere else.”

“
I’m going crazy, Alyssa.
Just crazy. Your love is the only thing that’s keeping me sane.
It‘s the only thing that makes sense.”

She held his hand and looked him in the
eyes. Luke savored the warm fleshiness of her hand.

“
I know,” she said. “I love
you very much. And that will never change.”

For the first time in weeks, Luke
smiled.

Then, Alyssa looked away from
him.

“
But this can’t keep going
on. You have to live your life in the waking world. And I need to
go Home, but I need to make sure you‘re alright before I
leave.”