Here For You (34 page)

“I…don’t…” I started to say, then she held her hands up to tell me to stop. I did, immediately.

“You lied to me,” she said, talking to the floor. “How could you not tell me something like this? She could’ve been pregnant with your child.”

“Yeah, but she’s not.”

She just shook her head. “That doesn’t matter. Were you going to tell me?” Her voice was weak, sadness on top of grief.

Slouching my shoulders, I told her the truth. “Yes, I was going to tell you tonight. I didn’t want to leave here without you knowing.”

She looked up to face me. “Why didn’t you tell me before this? Why did you let it get to this?” She was pissed, no, pissed was an understatement. She was livid.

“I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t the appropriate time to tell you something like this. Not after what happened with your dad. You didn’t need that weight on your shoulders as well.”

“And this is appropriate?” I was scared at how angry and hurt she looked, but how poised she was able to speak to me.

“No, of course it’s not appropriate. Shit…” I started to pace back and forth, running my hands through my hair. Stopping in front of her, I tried to reach for her again but she backed up.

“Don’t touch me.” She held her hands in fists by her side.

“Becca, please,” I begged. I’d never begged in my life, but I would for her, always for her.

“Just don’t, James…I need some…time,” she choked out.

Time.

“You don’t need time. Just let me…”

“You’ve done enough,” she said as she turned around and went upstairs.

I’d lost her, the only person I’d loved more than anything. Not only did I lose my lover, I lost my best friend.

Happily ever after…?

Two and a half months later becca

I received a text from James one day saying that he had text his father, and how they’d eventually met and had a good conversation. I never replied to the text, nor had I replied to all the other ones he’d been sending me for the last couple of months. The only good news with everything that had been going on was that it had resulted in James speaking to his father again. During the funeral he’d invited him over and something had happened so that he couldn’t make it. I thought he wouldn’t try again but apparently he did. I was so proud that he’d taken such a huge step and I knew that a large part of it was because of what had happened to my dad and me. Maybe he couldn’t fully forgive him right now, but I thought things would be okay from then on for the two of them.

I hoped.

Tossing my phone to the side, I sat in the corner of my dad’s room on the floor by the bed, with tears in my eyes, thinking about all the shit that had happened. I knew that not much time had passed but I thought at least maybe even after a month or two things would flow better, but they hadn’t. The shit with James and Grey had just screwed my healing process. I’d been
trying
to pack forever but I couldn’t seem to put anything away. Maybe if I got a beer I could think better. It was my dad’s way of doing things, until he got sick. Pushing myself off of the floor, I made my way to the kitchen, the kitchen that ruined everything. All the lies and deceits occurred in there with James, Grey and Juliana. I hadn’t spoken to Grey since he walked out of my house. I think that day was the turning pointing in our friendship. He tried texting me as well, but I was done with people trying to explain shit.

 I didn’t get very far packing up since there was someone knocking on my door. Goodness, I hoped it wasn’t someone to see how I was doing, or worse, Samantha. She was great, but I couldn’t deal with the food and her concern at that moment. She asked a few times what had happened with James, but I didn’t want to rehash the things that had gone down. I simply ignored those questions whenever she asked them.

When I opened the door I saw the UPS guy with a brown box in his hands. He looked up when I opened the door. “Are you Rebecca Miller?” he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

He handed me an electronic device to sign my name, then handed me the box and walked away. Taking the box inside, I saw that the address it was sent from was Florida - James Walker. I guess not answering his text messages or picking up the phone to him had resulted in him sending me something. I couldn’t throw it away without knowing what was inside. Taking the box with me, I went inside the kitchen. I placed the box on the table before pulling a Corona from the fridge. I popped the cap and just stared at the box as it beckoned me to open it. I leaned against the counter and took a sip of my beer. After trying to pack all day, the taste of the cold beer going down my throat instantly cooled me off.

Grabbing a knife from the drawer, I made my way to the table with my beer. Setting it down, I proceeded to open the box with the knife. I took a deep breath as I opened the flaps. There was a bunch of Styrofoam peanuts packed in there, too much. I couldn’t think of something that would need this many peanuts. Taking handfuls of them at a time, I threw them onto the floor until I found something large and covered in bubble wrap. It seemed to be a frame. With shaking hands, I unwrapped the bubble wrap eagerly and what I revealed brought me to my knees. My legs literally gave out, but I never dropped the frame as I sat.

There was a small piece of paper on the front saying, ‘Thought you would want this. Love you, James.’ Removing the paper, I saw an 11x14 frame of my dad and me at my graduation. I was sitting on his lap with black eyeliner streaming down my face. We were both smiling with my arms wrapped around his neck. He looked so handsome in his blue outfit with his wheelchair. I chuckled a little at how yellow my dress was that day, but when I looked at the picture properly I could see his eyes…they screamed happy and proud and I knew it was all because of me. I closed my eyes and replayed that moment in my head. James was on the other side of the camera.

I placed the photo on the floor and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind me before jumping in my car and driving away. Somehow, every time I just went for a drive I ended up here. I ended up where there were tons of dead people in the ground, rotting away. Their flesh being eaten away by maggots and God knows what other nasty bugs lingered down there. There were all these different headstones with various shades of gray, and brown from all the dirt that brushed by them. Why couldn’t I just cremate him? Why did he want to be under the ground, just a body of nothing?

I leave my car, making my way down the rows and rows of headstones, all with different names, different dates, different sayings, but all someone. Someone’s mother, father, sister, brother, friend. And at that moment I wondered where my mother was buried? Wow, I had never thought about calling her mother and now it came so easily. I needed to make it my priority to visit her grave, wherever that may be.

Finally, I made it to his headstone. ‘A one of a kind blue sky – Daddy’ is what I decided to put on his headstone along with all his information. Everybody is one of kind. There are no two people in this world that are the same. Maybe some look the same, but that’s about it. He was my piece of heaven, my piece of crystal blue sky. Sitting down on the wet grass, I ran my hands across the headstone. I knew he couldn’t hear me, hell, he couldn’t even see me, but it still brought me peace to be here. I even told myself that I would never visit his grave, but I couldn’t keep away. Then I started to talk. I talked to his headstone about everything that had just happened with the photo that James had sent me, about how thoughtful and wonderful such a gift was.

“Damn it, old man, here I am, crying again. Will I ever stop crying? Will this ever end? I miss him so much and yet I can’t look beyond what happened. You should see the gift, you’d love it so much. I don’t know what to do.” I talked to the air as the wind breezed over my face, making my hair stick to my glossy lips.

“I don’t think it’ll ever stop.”

I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed by the voice behind me.

“The pain that you feel will never go away, especially on birthdays and special occasions. I know you don’t want me here, and I know you haven’t been picking up my calls or answering my text messages, and I get it. But the pain you feel in your heart is just the beginning for him.”

I pushed myself up from the ground. I wanted to turn around so badly to see him, hold him, kiss him, but I just stood in front of my dad’s headstone and listened.

“I’m happy you got the gift and I’m thrilled that you love it. I knew that you would and I knew I had to send it to you. Look, I know I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. I never thought that I would be so stupid to do something like that and not think. But I can’t take it away, and to be honest, I wouldn’t, even if I could. I wouldn’t because maybe, just maybe, if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t have been with you. I wouldn’t have told you the things I felt. I wouldn’t have said I loved you endless amounts of time. But what I can tell you…is that I’m sorry. Becca, I’m lost without you in my life.”

My heart rate sped up and I turned around. He was standing there in a light brown jacket, black jeans, and his black boots that he loved so much. His hair was brushed across his forehead and those eyes…they were looking deep into me, inside my soul to the inner core that I didn’t even know existed.

“What did you say?” I whispered.

He stepped closer to me. His hands reached toward my face as his fingertips touched my cheeks, pulling my hair behind my ear. My eyes fluttered shut at the contact and my stomach was in a whole world of its own. “I told you in the beginning that I can only offer mistakes and fuck ups, and this was one of them. You’re my…”

“I don’t know what to say.” I felt my lips tremble but it wasn’t from the cold.

He shook his head. “Don’t say anything, just listen.”

I released a breath I didn’t even know I was holding and closed my eyes. ‘Dad, what do I do?’ I asked in my head, eyes closed. I felt James hand run across my cheek, his thumbs brushing my lower lip.

“I’m so sorry, and I know I only added to everything you’ve been through. I know that I put you through more than you should have at that moment. Dealing with your dad was enough, it wasn’t right for me to keep something like that from you.” His breath was on my face and he pressed his forehead against mine, our noses touched. God, I miss his touch so much.

“I love you,” he continued. “And I know I should not be asking this, but I can’t be without you. I’ve been a total wreck thinking about you. I know that you are still going through a hard time but I want you to know…” I pressed my fingers to his mouth.

I didn’t know why I did that, but I had to speak. “Just give me a second, okay?”

He dropped his hands, stepping back. The distance felt cold and not right. So I closed the distant, stepping closer. I looked up to his captivating greenish-blue eyes and talked. “This is so hard.” I turned to my dad’s headstone. “He’s gone and I’m here without him. I thought maybe when things had settled down I would be fine with you by my side. But when everything happened…I didn’t know what to do but take everything I was feeling out on you. Somehow, I feel like I could’ve handled the situation a little better.” I took a deep breath, inhaling the pine smell that surrounded the cemetery. “He’s gone and I’m never getting him back. But when I saw that picture you sent I felt him there with me. It was like he was looking back at me, smiling. Reminiscing. I’m hurting so much over everything and I don’t know what to do, with you…with anything.”

I felt so defeated. I didn’t know anything anymore. James touched my shoulder.

“Becca, he’s always here with you.” He pressed his hand against my chest, gesturing to my heart, which fluttered rapidly in response. “He’s never going to leave you and neither will I.”

Placing my hand over his, I told him how I felt. “I’ll get hurt again. You can’t promise me you won’t hurt me, James.”

He smiled the warmest smile ever. It was so light and airy, just a hint of a smile almost. “No, I can’t promise you that. I hurt you already. However, I can promise to work hard at not doing it again. I’m going to piss you off so bad you’re going to want to throw everything and the kitchen sink at me. But that will never take away from the fact that I love you. I’m going to make mistakes and you will get upset. But that doesn’t mean we can’t work through it. I don’t know what I can do to make you trust me again but I will work at it even if it takes me my whole life.”

“What about her?” I didn’t want to ask about Juliana, but I had no choice.

“She’s no more. I haven’t spoken to her since you last saw her. It’s just you and me.” He raised his eyebrows. “That’s only if you want…
us
.” His eyes were full of hope.

If there was any doubt in him I couldn’t find it. Did I want us to work out? It was the only thing I’d ever wanted, even with everything that had happened. “I’m not going to be one hundred percent, James. I miss him so much that I’m never going to be the same. He was my dad. And that stuff that happened between us... ”

“…I know this. It’s probably never going to be the same. You are going to want to call him from time to time and realize he’s not there. You will cry…a lot. Hurt and cry if that’s what you need to do. And
if
you want us to work I promise with everything that’s in me I will try hard.” He cupped my face.

My feelings were all over the place, but the one feeling never left me through all of this. “I…I…love you.”

He pressed his lips against mine and all that was around us just blended together. That wall I built a long time ago broke down completely. The feeling of pure love bled into this kiss. Nothing but two lips, two lovers as one. One that had been through a lot. One that had a lot of work to do. Two ones that were now…one.

Nothing would ever come easy. Shit was going to happen and life was going to end. But didn’t we want that to be filled with as much happiness as possible? Yes, James had hurt me, but I could feel the hurt that his actions had caused him as well. It had broken him. And in this kiss there were possibilities that things would work out. We didn’t know the future. We couldn’t predict what was going to happen, but what we could do was make choices to determine what our future would look like.

The moment our lips touched everything that happened stayed in the past. Yes, it would come up from time to time but this right here was what was going to stay. We would work hard.
I
would work hard. My old man upstairs was there for me, with me, forever and always.

As our lips pulled apart I smiled. I hadn’t smiled like that in over two months. But this moment, I did. And in front of my father’s headstone. It was a new dawn for a new beginning for me. For
us.

We both faced the headstone as I leaned my head on James’ chest. “I love you so much, old man,” I whispered. James kissed my forehead and we turned to walk away.

Time doesn’t stay still. Time keeps going even when you want things to be put on pause. Make good of that paused moment, even if it’s a bad one. Think about what you can do and make it happen. If you’re scared, be scared. If you’re happy, then be fucking happy.