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I squeeze his hand, disheartened. She doesn’t sound like me at all. Especially who I am now. She and I shared the same DNA, yet we’re so different. I think I used to be like her before my life changed. My impulsiveness, my spontaneity are gone, replaced by a fear of living. Is this encrypted into my genetic code or shaped by forces I encounter? Or perhaps it’s a combination of both. Who’s to say whether she might have become more like me if she had lost Monica, or Evan?

He looks at me with his unwavering love. “Your laugh is just like hers.”

Sadness washes over me for his loss. At least he’s tried to hold onto his Julia. I’ve gotten so lost in my grief I’ve started to forget who Monica was. His words come back to me and the hairs on my neck stand on end. “What do you mean ‘so different than Monica’? How was Monica different?”

He looks sheepish. “Well, you know she can be really self-centered at times. Sometimes you can’t tell how she really feels, like she’s playing a game, playing it safe until she figures out the winning side. She really hates to lose at anything, but it’s not really her fault. Her mother is driven. She’s advanced through the political ranks and has an image to uphold. She has very high expectations of Monica. I feel sorry for her sometimes.”

My chest squeezes. “That doesn’t sound like my Monica at all. Mine was more like your Julia, always smiling, always happy.”

His mouth twists. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make her sound bad. Part of it is that she seemed to recover after your, I mean Julia’s, death faster than the rest of us. I resented her for that so it clouds my opinion. Sometimes I’ve wondered if she really was her friend. But I also know people grieve differently.”

I think about his words, unsure what to say.

“
She’s good too,” he finally says. “She can be a lot of fun and she’s really helped Reece since Julia’s death.”

We sit in silence and I try to sort through my confusion. I eat several of the small orange wafers and decide to change the subject. “Why do they taste like carrots? Why not just serve carrots?”

His shoulders relax. “Because carrots don’t have as long a shelf life as wafers. They can take the carrots and process them to last longer and add a filler to curb our hunger. They also add vitamins to keep us healthy. We can’t grow crops here like in your world. We live in constant drought. Food is rationed.”

I can’t imagine living in a world of rationed food, but if they have difficulty growing it, it makes perfect sense. Evan must have been overwhelmed with the choices he faced in my world.

“
I’m really going to miss your food.” He picks up another wafer and takes a bite.

The door opens and his father enters. Dr. Whittaker looks tired, dark circles under his eyes. He wears a sad smile I’ve become familiar with. “You’re doing great, Julia. Thank you for your honesty and patience.”

I laugh nervously. “I wish I’d paid more attention in school now.”

He waves it off with a flick of his hand. “You’re sixteen, not a history scholar. Between you and Evan, we’re learning more that we could have imagined. Next, they’ll ask you about electronics and current communication. You have five more minutes.”

He walks out and I grimace. “I’m not sure what I know about electronics and communications. What exactly do they want to know?”

Evan shrugs. “You know your phones, television, music, computers, that kind of stuff.”

My stomach tightens. “I don’t know much about that.”

“
You probably know more than you think. Besides, I studied as much as I could while I was there.”

“
How long exactly
were
you there?” But I already trace it back to his disappearance. Everyone said he changed after that.

“Two weeks. I left in the middle of the night because it was easier to evade all the guards. I ended up on the road in your world and figured the layout of Springfield was probably the same as ours. But when I landed in the road, I could barely move so I made it into the woods and found an old shed and decided to take a nap. I woke up twelve hours later.”

“
You could have frozen to death.” I try to remember how cold it had been that week.

He shrugs. “I had a warm coat and a thermal blanket. Besides, I’m used to the cold. The temperature is colder here. I spent the next day investigating your town and finding the Evan in your world. My goal was to see you, and I thought Evan would be your boyfriend. I was really surprised when he wasn’t. That Sarah is a bitch by the way.”

“
Duh.”

“
I hated pretending to be her boyfriend but people already noticed that I was different. I needed to keep some things the same.” He shudders. “After football practice, I found him in the school parking lot and convinced him to take me for a drive. He was pretty surprised to see me and I have to admit, it was weird for me too, but I was prepared for it. He wasn’t. I told him I was the Ghost of Christmas Future and it was my job to drive him to the shed. I convinced him to stay there.”

“
You did not tell him you were the Ghost of Christmas Future.”

He shrugs with a wicked grin.

“
And there’s no way he’d agree to just go with you.”

“Okay, so he didn’t agree, but he was asleep so he didn’t do much arguing.”

My eyes widen in surprise.

“
I brought sedatives with me. As a precaution. After I quizzed him about his parents, his school schedule, and anything else I could think of, I knocked him out and left him in the shed.”

I suck in my breath. “You drugged me, too. That day in the cemetery. Why?”

He cringes and rubs his face. “I was worried about you and followed you there. But I’d figured out that the Evan in your world didn’t have anything to do with you, so I was concerned that you’d think I was a stalker just turning up out of nowhere. So I drugged you and took you home. I wanted you to be safe but I didn’t want to blow any chances of being with you.”

I remain silent for a moment, remembering that afternoon. “You took over Evan’s life. Why would you do that?”

His eyebrows raise. “
Why?
To see you and being him seemed like the best way. That was the whole reason for my coming.” His voice lowers and he grabs my hand. “To see you.”

The enormity of his words sink in. He risked everything to come find me. “How did the police find out?”

Evan frowns. “I took him food twice a day. I was so upset over what happened with you in the choir room, I didn’t make sure he was secure enough. I got careless and he escaped.”

The door slides open and a woman peers in. “Time.”

Evan pulls me up. “Let’s go.”

We walk down the hall, Evan holding my hand, but I’m unsettled, every nerve ending on edge. He went through so much to see me, only he wasn’t looking for me. He was looking for someone who no longer exists. My head swims with confusion.

We spend four more hours answering questions about everything from music to movies, television and electronics. Evan knows more than I do, explaining how some of the electronics in our world worked. Apparently, he took apart the other Evan’s iPod and computer.

The Committee takes turns asking questions and by time we’re done, my voice is gone.

They adjourn and say we’ll resume the next day. I can’t imagine what else they have to ask.

“
Medicine, sports, weapons… they’ve only just begun,” Dr. Whittaker says as we walk back to the rooms we’re being held in.

“
I don’t know anything about any of those things.”

“
That’s okay. What you do know will be helpful.”

Evan holds my hand, explaining to his dad how the elevators in my world differ from his. Dr. Whittaker watches him with sad eyes, yet a tiny smile lifts his lips. Evan seems oblivious to his father’s mood, enthusiastically describing other differences.

The armed guards accompanying us dampen any enthusiasm I might muster over anything.

When we reach the floor where we’re sequestered, Evan stops. “I thought we were going to your office. Why aren’t we going home? Julia’s awake now and you’re not worried anymore that we have some rogue virus.”

Dr. Whittaker rubs his forehead. “Evan, we can’t let Julia go yet. So much about her is unknown. Until the Committee determines whether she’s friend or foe, she has to stay under guard.”

Evan runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “That’s stupid.”

“
Evan, you have to stay too,” Dr Whittaker says, grief heavy in his words.

Fear fills Evan’s eyes. “Why?”

“
I keep telling you. You made a serious error in judgment. A lot of high officials are upset by what you’ve done, although I’ve been working on a way to turn this around to our advantage.” He gives Evan a gentle push to continue walking. “The best thing you both can do is to keep doing as well as you have. You’re providing a lot of excellent information. Keep it up and you’ll prove your worth.”

“
Prove our worth?
” Evan’s voice rises and bounces off the stiff white walls. “What does that mean?”

Dr. Whittaker puts his hand on his son’s shoulder. They stand about the same height and look eye to eye. “It means keep doing what you’re doing. Make them grateful you broke the rules.”

He moves forward again and stops at a door, lifting his hand so it opens. “I’ll be back first thing in the morning, but tonight you have to stay here.”

Evan pales as he swallows. “Dad…”

“
If there was any way around this, I would do it. Please, just trust me.”

“
Can Julia and I at least stay together?”

Dr. Whittaker shakes his head slowly. “No.”

Evan starts to enter the room then turns around and pulls me into an embrace. “It’s going to be okay, Julia. I told you Dad will get us out of this.”

I nod into his chest, not sure whom he’s convincing. If it’s me, it hasn’t worked very well.

“
I’ll see you tomorrow.” He releases me and goes into his room.

“
Good night, Evan,” Dr. Whittaker says, his voice breaking.

Evan sits on the edge of the bed, facing the wall and ignoring his father as the door shuts.

We walk to my room in silence. Finally, I clear my throat. “Give him time. He’s hurt. I know he still loves you.”

His lips twist into a smile. “I kept trying to instill the seriousness of the situation, but he refuses to listen.”

“
He thinks the world of you. He’s sure you’ll get him out.”

His eyebrows lift with his nervous laugh. “I only hope I can.”

We stop in front of my door.

“
And what about me?” I ask while I still have the courage to hear the answer.

His grey eyes flood with tears. He’s quiet so long I’m sure he’s not going to answer. “You know, the Julia from our world practically lived at our house. I knew her so well I could tell if something upset her by the way she pulled at her hair. Or when she had a secret, her mouth would lift a little higher on one side than the other.

“
When she died, Evan wasn’t the only one devastated.” His voice breaks and a tear falls down his cheek. “I understand why he did what he did. Julia was such a joy that when she died, part of us died with her.” He pauses. “Julia was like a daughter to me.”

A lump forms in my throat. “I’m not her.”

“
I know. I only wish Evan did.”

“
You still didn’t answer my question. What about me?”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Let’s not worry about that right now.”

My breath sticks in my chest and I almost accept his answer. Almost. But the thought of spending the night alone with questions and doubts proves daunting. “I have nothing else to think about but the worry.” I grab his hand in a desperate clutch. “Dr. Whittaker, you said the Julia here was like a daughter to you so please, just for a moment, pretend I’m her. Wouldn’t she deserve an answer? Wouldn’t she deserve to know?” The end comes out as a whine, but I don’t care.

He swallows as his lip trembles and I know.

I know
.

“
Tell me.”

“
Julia…”

“
You can’t send me back because I know too much about your world.”

He looks away. “It’s a security risk.”

I nod, even though he can’t see it. It’s more for myself, the further confirmation even though inside I’m splintering into tiny pieces.

“
Evan didn’t know what he was doing when he brought you here. It was impulsive and impetuous and…”

“
It’s okay.”

He turns back to face me and slowly shakes his head. “It’s not.”

I know that, too. But I can’t bring myself to ask him to expand on it.

“
But keep doing what you’re doing. You’re providing vast amounts of information we never dreamed of getting, at least right now. Prove to them they need you around.”

I nod, on the verge of breaking down. I need to be alone. “Good night, Dr. Whittaker.”

The door opens and I go inside, the door sliding closed as I heard him say, “Good night.”

I take comfort that he didn’t say goodbye.

Chapter Eighteen

Later the next morning, I try to stifle a yawn as Evan answers questions about fossil fuel consumption. The terror that nipped at my nerves during the first few hours of questioning has worn off, leaving only exhaustion after crying half the night. I stare into the faces of the men and women at the tables wondering who will be
the one
. Who will decide my life is expendable, that I’m no longer necessary?

Evan sits beside me, quieter today, less confident. The gravity of our situation has settled in, although I still suspect he hasn’t considered that mine is worse. Not that I blame him. He truly believes his dad can fix everything.

Six months ago, I felt that way about my dad, too.

They ask question after question and I answer as though my life depends on it, which I suppose it does. I systematically pick out faces in the Committee. The interested, whose eager faces listen to our answers with rapt attention. The bored, who look like their time has been wasted. The angry, though the reason for their anger is a mystery. The president falls into this category.

She picks lint from her jacket and looks up. We lock gazes and her eyebrow lifts slightly, barely perceptible. Fury burns in her eyes. I glance down at my hands on the table to break contact.

Even so, I fear the disinterested the most. The angry are looking for blood; the disinterested simply don’t care.

“I think perhaps we should take a break.” Dr. Whittaker says.

I stand and thrust out my chin, refusing to show any sign of weakness. Yet, I worry I’ll appear arrogant. It’s a tricky balance. Do I look self-confident or do I go for helpless? In the end, I’m not sure it even matters.

Dr. Whittaker talks to some committee members as Evan and I pass. His gaze searches me out and he gives me a reassuring smile.

When the door shuts behind us in our private room from yesterday, Evan pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“
About what?” My mind’s still on General Ghertner, who glared most of the morning. He looks old enough to have been alive during the nuclear war. I can only imagine the resentment he feels, that our world escaped the atrocities his has endured.

“
About putting you through all of this. When we’re done, I’ll show you what my world is really like. It’s not like this, I swear. Maybe we’ll be done today and I can take you home, my house I mean. We still need to figure out how to re-introduce you to society.”

I stare into his eyes with disbelief, realizing he really thinks we are both going to leave. I sit down in a chair.

“
Aren’t you tired of sitting?”

“
Yes, but I don’t want to just stand either. I’d rather walk. Can we take a walk outside?”

He hesitates. “Well, I know there’s a covered walkway we could walk under, but I doubt they’ll let us.”

“
A covered walkway?”

“
It’s not safe to walk in the sun.”

“
Why not?”

“
The ozone layer has thinned. The UV light can burn you in a matter of minutes.”

“
You’re kidding.”

“
I wish I was. I really liked that part of your world too. That I could be outside in the sunshine.”

That explains why everyone is so pale. I close my eyes. “Your world is so damaged.”

He sits next to me. “It could be worse.” I feel the warmth of his leg next to mine and it fills me with reassurance, even if it’s false. I’ll take what I can get.

I open my eyes with a grimace. “It could be better.”

He shrugs. “It is what it is.”

I envy his nonchalance, the way he can accept that his world is less than perfect yet not begrudge that mine is untouched.

He takes the lid off a tray revealing more wafers. I’m sick of wafers.

I shift in my seat. Anxiety tickles the back of my neck and makes me squirmy. “You didn’t have that attitude after Julia died. You didn’t accept it and say
it is what it is
.” Irritation bleeds through my words.

Confusion flashes across his face, before it’s replaced with anger. “What did my dad say to you?”

“I’m not her. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” I raise my voice and the hurt in his eyes almost makes me regret my lack of control.

He leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “Yes, of course I realize that,
Julia
. You’re different than her.” His eyes burn with his anger. “She would have never let everyone at school belittle her.”

His judgment stokes my anger. “You have no idea what I went through.”

He laughs, a bitter sound that sounds wrong coming from him. “You’d be surprised how much I know.”

I shove his chest with my splayed hands. “Really? Did you have to live with the guilt of killing your best friend, knowing that you’re the reason she’s dead?”

He stands and stiffens his shoulders, his pupils dilating with his anger. “No, but I understand what it’s like to live with the guilt knowing I could have stopped her from going and I didn’t. I just let her go.”

“
Where was she going? Why would you stop her?”

“
She was going to meet
him
.” He spits out then collapses into his chair. He grabs his head in his hands. “She was going to meet him.”

“
Who?” But as soon as I ask I already know.

Reece
.

I spin around and begin to pace. It all makes sense. Evan’s name. Reece’s name. Evan saying Reece was trouble. The Julia of this world was caught between the two.

“
It’s not what you think.” He sounds defensive.

I turn around to face him, my anger doused by his pain. “Does it really matter?”

“
It does to me. She loved me. She was going to tell him that she wanted me.” His chin trembles.

“
It’s okay, Evan.” I sit beside him and place my hand on his. For once, I’m the comforter. “I know she loved you.”

He begins to cry. I wrap my arms around him and he pulls me into a hug, burying his face into my neck.

“
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you.” He cries into my hair.

“
I know.”

He sits up, his face hard with anger and determination. “I’m going to make this right.”

It’s the first time since we’ve come here that he hasn’t said his dad would.

“
I know, Evan.” My heart aches. I wonder if he knows the real danger. If I should tell him. I can’t bring myself to do it. He has enough guilt to live with and it won’t do any good. It’s not martyrdom. It’s self-preservation. As long as I ignore the possibility of my impending death, I don’t have to face the reality of it.

And that’s when the panic attack hits. My heart pulses out of control.

The door opens and a woman with a friendly smile pokes her head in. “They’re ready for you now.”

I begin to wheeze, clutching at the top of my shirt.

“
Julia?” Evan’s frantic voice is in my ear.

The woman’s mouth forms an
O
as her eyes widen in alarm.

I try to breathe in and out, slow breaths, but my chest refuses to listen as tears spring to my eyes.

“
Get my dad!” Evan shouts, panic in his voice.

The woman disappears.

“
Julia, what’s wrong? Can you talk?”

I want to answer, but my lungs refuse to cooperate.

“
Julia!”

Sweat beads on the back of my neck. My heart beats so hard and fast I’m sure Evan can hear it.

Dr. Whittaker appears with two other people who rush to my side.

“
What happened?” he asks, pulling Evan out of the way.

“
She was fine then she couldn’t breathe.”

“
Panic attack.” I mouth. My head is so dizzy, unconsciousness is close behind.

The man and woman pull me on the floor and try to push my shoulders to the floor. The thought of lying down sounds more suffocating. I slap their hands away and I look at Dr. Whittaker, my eyes pleading for him to make them stop.

“
Give her a very mild sedative,” he orders. “Not enough to knock her out, just enough to take her anxiety away.”

“
But..”

“
Do it. She’s having an anxiety attack.”

I feel a jab in my arm and within ten seconds the drugs take effect. My heartbeat slows. I suck in a deep breath and exhale, crying. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.” I lean over my legs, burying my face into my knees.

“
Everyone leave.” Dr. Whittaker’s tone makes it clear that he won’t tolerate argument.

I hear the door open and close and Dr. Whittaker kneels beside me. “Julia, I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

I look up into his face, biting my lip.

“
What’s going on?” Evan asks.

“
You still don’t get it, do you, Evan?” Dr. Whittaker’s head jerks around to face Evan, his tone impatient and exasperated. “While you have gotten your own neck out of a noose by proving your value and loyalty, Julia hasn’t.”

“
What does that mean?”

“
It means that Julia’s survival is not a sure thing.”

“
Wait. You don’t mean…?”

Dr. Whittaker slumps in a chair. “Yes.”

“
But... how… I don’t understand!” Evan backs up slowly until he bumps into the wall.

“
She can’t go back to her world, Evan. She knows too much to go back. They don’t want her world to know of our existence, and as much as I hate to say it, I agree.”

I stiffen, trying to catch my breath through my hiccups.

He holds up his hands. “It’s too big a risk, for both sides. Best-case scenario, she stays here, which in itself proves challenging.” He pauses and casts a glance in my direction before turning back to Evan. “She looks just like Julia. She
is
Julia, yet she’s not her. How do we send her to her parents and your friends and explain her existence? We can’t tell the world there’s a portal to another universe. People see that Julia has come back from the dead and they’ll be clamoring to go get the people they’ve lost.

“
If word gets out that her world is better, it will be a mass exodus to cross over. Not to mention we have no idea what the effects are on either side, or the people that go through it. The cosmos strives for balance. For all we know, you going over and bringing her back could have affected the balance somehow. We have to wait and see what the ramifications are.”

“
Then keep her and study the effects on her!” Evan shouts, shoving away from the wall and standing in front of his father. “You can’t let them do this!”

Dr. Whittaker bolts out of his seat and they stand chest to chest. “Don’t you think I’m trying? Don’t you think it kills me to think of losing her a second time? Only this time it won’t be an accident and I’ll have played a role in it. I’m doing everything in my power to save her!”

“
Then do more!”

Dr. Whittaker’s shoulders sag. “I’m trying.”

“
Stop it!” I jump up and stand between them. “This isn’t helping anything. It’s just making it worse.” I look up into Dr. Whittaker’s face. “Is there any hope? Seriously?” I’m not sure I really want to know, but I should prepare myself.

With weary eyes, he flashes a sad smile. “Julia, there’s always hope.”

His words are meant to comfort me, but my back stiffens. While he may feel remorse, he admitted he sees no place for me in his world or mine.

Dr. Whittaker walks to the door and stops. “I think we’re done for the day.” He leaves and Evan and I are alone.

We stare at each other, unsure what to say. Finally, he closes the distance and tilts my chin to look into his face. “I will
not
let this happen. I swear to you on my life I will
not
let them hurt you.”

I try to look away, but his hand grips my chin tighter. I look into his eyes. “Evan.”

There’s so much I want to tell him. That I know he didn’t mean for this to happen. That in spite of it all, I’m almost not sorry. He’s the one person who believed in me and gave me hope. Hope that I could have something other than crippling guilt and depression. Would I rather have a week with him or a lifetime of despair?

Still, anger and resentment ferment. He didn’t think about his actions, didn’t think about the consequences. Because of his impulsiveness, my life is in danger. I want to shake him or slap him, or rake my fingernails across his cheek. I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me.

But one look at his anguish-filled eyes stops me.

I can’t leave him with the guilt. I can’t commit him to the hell I’ve lived in for the last six months. I have the power to set him free.

“
I don’t blame you.” I whisper.

His chin quivers and he swallows, holding back his tears. The fingers underneath my chin tremble. “How can you say that?” he chokes out. “This is all my fault.”

“
You did it out of love, even if it all got screwed up. At least I don’t have to live with the pain anymore. I’m okay with that.”

He shakes his head slowly. “No. I can’t accept this.”

“
Evan, you don’t have a choice.” My voice breaks and I curse my treacherous emotions. I want to be brave, not fall apart and make this harder for both of us.

He leans down and his lips touch mine, soft and tender. I taste his fear and his guilt. I know it’s not me he’s kissing, it’s the memory of his Julia, but I cling to him anyway, taking what I can get, as pathetic as it is. For all I know, it’s the last time I’ll ever be kissed.

The door opens, but he ignores it, clinging to me.

“
Evan, you need to come with us.” A deep voice booms into the room.

Evan pulls his head back, looking into my face, stubbornness crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Not without Julia.”

“
Our orders are to only take you.”

His head snaps around to the door. “Why?”

“
You have permission to go home.”

His arm tightens. “And Julia?”

The guard clears his throat. “She’s required to stay.”