Here and Now (2 page)

She lay beside me and I grabbed her left hand. I liked seeing the ink on
her skin. It was sexy and put me in the mood every time. I liked knowing everyone she met saw the tattoo on her finger. There was no mistaking what it was.

“Anyone commen
t on your engagement ring?” I asked while I kissed it.

“Some people at work said I was bold. Others said it was romantic.”

“And what do you think?” I whispered.

“I think it’s perfect.”

“Good. Because you’re mine until the end of time.” I placed her hand on my chest and covered it with my left one, our tattooed rings touching. Her leg hooked around mine, petite and smooth. She stuck to me like glue. “Did you make plans for your bachelorette party?”

“We’re thinking about renting a room at the Plaza then going bar hopping. What are you thinking about doing?”

I didn’t like the idea of her hitting up a bunch of bars then staying at a hotel. Why couldn’t they go to a spa and get pedicures and manicures? But I wasn’t dumb enough to say anything. She’d put me in my place then tie me to the bed and make me feel like a prostitute. “Sean wants to go out and see some strippers for Mike, not really us. He needs to get out and have a good time.”

“And what do you want to do?”

“Go fishing.”

She smirked at me. “That sounds like something old men do.”

“I’m an old soul.”

“Which one are you going to do?”

“Both, if you’ll give me permission.”

“Permission?” she asked incredulously. “I don’t tell you what to do and you don’t tell me what to do.”

I laughed. “How many times have you told me to get my ass to bed, and how many times have you commanded me to do dirty shit to you?”

She gave me a firm look. “It’s not the same thing and you know it.”

“You really don’t care if I see a bunch of strippers?”

“Why would I?” She rubbed my hand. “I know you’ll behave. I’m going to see some anyway.”

That caught my attention. “You are?”

She nodded. “Chippendales.”

The jealousy rose inside me but I kept it back.

“And I’ll be on my best behavior.”

It would be incredibly hypocritical of me to ask her not to go when I was planning on going myself. “For the record, I have no interest in going. I honestly just want to go fishing.”

She gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. “I know, Ryan.”

“So, are the girls making you go?”

“No.”

That made my skin prickle. “It was your idea?”

She smirked. “You got nothing to worry about, Ryan. You know you’re the only man I want. But this is my only bachelorette party. And I want to have a good time.”

“By yanking a guy’s thong off with your teeth?” The anger emerged. I tried to hold it back but I couldn’t.

“This is killing you,” she said with a light laugh.

I glared at her. “What gave me away?”

“I promise to only look, not touch.”

That calmed me down a little. “Okay.”

She moved on top of me, her legs straddling my hips. “You’re the only man I want for the rest of my life, Ryan.”

Now I was getting in a better mood. “I like what I’m hearing…”

“And I wouldn’t mind a strip tease from you.”

“If you’re good…”

“I’m always good.” She rolled her hips, her pussy grinding against my hard dick.

“Hmm…” I was losing my mind.

“Since you’re being so mature about this whole thing, what can I do for you?”

“Anything?” I asked with a deep voice.

“Yep.” She leaned down and kissed my chest. My hand automatically fisted her hair.

I liked doing everything with her. Any choice I made was a good one. I wanted to get head, but I wanted her to be satisfied before we went to sleep. “Ride me, baby.”

She sat up straight then flicked her hair over her shoulder. “I can do that.” Her nipples showed through the thin dress
, and her curves were easy to decipher. Knowing only parts of her skin were revealed was a turn on. She directed me inside her then took it like a pro.

I placed my hands behind my head and watched her bounce on my dick, watching the show. She always knew how to please me in the right way. I watched her get off to my body, feeling like a king. She brought me to the edge then pushed me over with a violent kick. I came hard and long, filling her until there was nothing left.

2

Mike

Five weeks had passed. Cassandra had been gone for five weeks.
Five weeks.

I got a new apartment a few blocks over. It wasn’t as nice as the one
I had before, but it was still an improvement. I didn’t see Cassandra everywhere. When I was in the shower, I didn’t look at the mark where her shampoo bottle used to sit. The living room didn’t contain gaps of her where her decorations were. The closet wasn’t half empty. And I didn’t miss my shirt.

But what if I was wrong?

There were so many times when I wanted to call her just to hear her voice. I didn’t even want to talk about our relationship. I just wanted to talk about anything. Even the weather would be fine. I missed her jokes and our playful banter. I missed all the fun we had.

But I stayed strong and didn’t call her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to
do.

I was hurt she didn’t call me. Deep down inside, I thought she would change her mind and come back to me when she saw how miserable her life was without me. But she never did. She
was determined to never get married, and I would never be an exception to that.

That hurt most of all.

Was I stupid for thinking I was special? For thinking it would be different with me? Did I set myself up for that?

I hated seeing Sean and Scarlet together, their perfect marriage and their perfect relationship. They were never affectionate around me and they only paid attention to me, but I caught the way she looked at him across the table over dinner. And I saw the way my brother stared back at her. The trust and love between them was obvious to anyone with eyes. Why couldn’t I have that?

I thought Cassandra was the perfect person for me. She was. I was convinced she was. But it didn’t matter. I had to go back out in the dating world and find someone else to fill that spot. But I found it impossible. I would never find someone more perfect for me than she was. And I didn’t want to try.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be with someone forever. Maybe I wasn’t marriage material. If Cassandra didn’t want to marry me, would anyone? I made too many mistakes and I hurt too many people. This was karma. I ripped apart the hearts of hundreds and now it was my turn to feel the pain. I deserved it.

I should just go back to my ways and be what I was before. It wasn’t so bad. I’d work, hang out with my boys, pick up girls, and then send them packing the next morning. I wouldn’t get hurt again. No one could wiggle their way into my heart. It was chopped into hundreds of pieces.

But the idea of being with anyone else was nauseating. I kept thinking about Cassandra. Could I be with someone else when I wished she were the woman below me? Could I fuck someone without saying Cassandra’s name? I felt like I was cheating on her just from thinking
about it. And then the pain shot through me.

What if she was seeing someone else? What if someone else was already keeping her bed warm? The idea made me want to throw myself over my balcony. That would kill me. And there was no coming back from that.

I didn’t see her at work but I made sure we didn’t run into each other. Instead of taking the elevator every morning, I took the stairwell in the back of the building. The twenty-six stories were a bitch to climb, but it was far better than seeing Cassandra. I knew she would look beautiful and I would lose my will to stay away from her. I’d get on my knees and beg her to come back to me. So, I definitely had to take the stairs.

She and I didn’t work directly with each other so there was no reason for us to bump into each other during the workday, unless she purposely wanted to see me. Every time my offi
ce door opened, I wished it was her. I fantasized about us getting back together so many times. But the more time passed, the more I knew it would never happen.

Scarlet had lunch with me
every day but we didn’t talk. I didn’t have anything to say, and if I did, I would just sound like an ass. But it was nice having her there. Her quiet sounds of mastication reminded me I wasn’t alone. She talked about Andrew and the housemaid Olga, getting my mind off Cassandra for a while. She spoke even when I didn’t respond. I was thankful there was no pressure.

I got a new gym. It was close to my new apartment so it was more convenient anyway. My old membership wasn’t even over but I didn’t care. I couldn’t go there anymore. If I saw Cassandra wearing a skimpy outfit, I’d lose my self-control and take her right in the middle of the weight room.

I’d been drinking a lot. Water was obsolete and hard to come by in my apartment. I had a lot of beer and even more hard liquor. It helped me sleep at night. Without her next to me, I felt cold and uncomfortable. I got a white noise machine to replace the musical sighs she made during her dreams. But it wasn’t the same.

I went out with my friends for a few beers. Between them and
my family, they were keeping me occupied so I didn’t feel so alone.

“You doing okay, buddy?” Cameron asked as he pushed a beer toward me.

I shrugged. “Yeah.”

He s
ipped his beer then eyed the people in the bar. “She hasn’t called?”

“No.”

Kirk gave me a sympathetic look. “Maybe it’s best if it didn’t work out. She had a bunch of problems with her ex anyway. And if she did agree to marry you, who says she wouldn’t get scared and just divorce you? It sounds like more work than it was really worth.”

“Maybe,” I said with a shrug. I was willing to listen to anything to make me feel better at this point.

Kirk nudged my side. “You’re a good-looking guy and you’re loaded. You’ll find someone else eventually.”

“I don’t
want anyone else,” I said with more depression than I meant.

“Look,” Cameron said. “Tap a bunch of girls and get Cassandra out of your system. When you’re feeling better, look for a future wife. You don’t need to rush anything right now. And have some fun while you’re doing it.
” He winked at me. “And we all know you know how to do that.”

“I can’t
.”

“Why?” Kirk asked. “What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a sigh. “I just can’t.”

Cameron shook his head. “You’re hoping Cassandra comes back, and you don’t want to sleep with anyone else just in case she does.”

I didn’t deny it.

“Dude, it’s been over a month. It’s not going to happen.” Kirk gave me a firm look. “I know this is hard for you, but she’s not coming back—ever. You need to move on.”

“It doesn’t feel right…”

“Which is why I’m telling you to fuck a bunch of pussy until you feel better. When you start picturing yourself with other women, you’ll be able to get over her.”

“But isn’t that wrong?” I said. “To use women?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Dude, stop being a girl. There are plenty of women who want to be used. Just be honest with your intentions and you won’t feel guilty.”

Kirk nodded to a girl sitting at the bar alone. She was wearing a short dress and she had a smokin’ body. “Go talk to her.”

I glanced at her then turned away. “Not my type.”

“She’s a C cup with legs for days,” Cameron snapped. “Yes, she is your type.”

“Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I’m just not ready, okay?” I didn’t mean to snap at my friends. I knew they were just trying to help. “I’m sorry. I can’t just move on from the love of my life and fuck a random girl. It’s only been a month. To desecrate our relationship by being with someone else so soon
just…doesn’t sit right with me. Call me a pussy if you want but I don’t care. I love her. And…I can’t do that.”

Kirk and Cameron exchanged a look then turned back to me. Kirk patted my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, man,” Kirk said. “Whatever you want.”

Cameron nodded. “We’re here for you no matter what. We can take baby steps.”

“I don’t need baby steps,” I whispered. “I just need time.”

When I was having lunch with Scarlet, she eyed me for a long time.

“What?” I asked without looking at her.

“How are you doing?”

“Fine.” That was my automatic response.

“Well, you’ve been quiet and distant…”

“I don’t have much to say.”

She put her yogurt on my desk and sighed. “I guess I’m just worried.”

“You don’t need to put me
on suicide watch.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she said gently. “I just don’t want this break up to change who you are.”

I didn’t have a response to that. I deleted all the spam I got in my email then focused on the screen.

“Mike?”

“Hmm?”

“I know it didn’t work out with Cassandra, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work out with someone else.”

“Thanks, Scar.” That was my polite way of asking her to shut up.

“I’m being serious, Mike. Don’t give up.”

I finally looked at her, giving her a firm look. “Not everyone is you and Sean. We don’t meet our soul mate and automatically become best friends. We don’t have an epic love that makes everyone else’s look weak. We aren’t all meant to settle down. We aren’t all meant to be happy.” It was my darkest truth. I was meant to be alone.

“That’s not true, Mike.  You will find someone.”

“I can find someone with a drop of a hat,” I snapped. “Women would line up to be with me. I have the looks, the money, the security, and the loyalty. But none of them are worth my time. Cassandra was the first girl who made my heart beat. What are the odds I’ll find someone else who can do the same thing?” I held my gaze, burning into hers. “Slim to none.”

“No, not none,” she said firmly. “You will find her, Mike.”

“I’m done talking about this,” I snapped. “I know you’re trying to help. I do. But you can’t help me with this. I will make my own decisions and I will deal with my grief in whatever way I can.”

She backed off. “Okay. “But I’m here for you if you need me.”

“I know,” I said gently.

The sound of her spoon dipping in her yogurt, and the click of my mouse filled the room.

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” she said.

I thought we we
re done talking about Cassandr.
“What?”

“Janice asked her sister to be her maid of honor.”

“So?”
Why would I give a shit about that?

“Well, I know you and Laura slept together last year.”

I totally forgot about that. It was meaningless and pointless. She was good in the sack, but when I called her a few days later, she never called me back. I was a little hurt by the rejection but I got over it. I never expected it to go anywhere. “Your point?”

“You’re probably going to be seeing a lot of her because of the wedding.”

“I don’t have a problem with her,” I said immediately. “I won’t even talk to her.”

“I just wanted to give you a head’s up.”

“Thanks.”