Her Journey Begins (25 page)



   Chris finally agreed to stay at Barb and Brad
’
s. What with the viewing tonight and the funeral tomorrow, she doesn
’
t really want to be alone. Sitting at the table while mom does the dinner dishes, Chris is fidgety. It feels like the end is coming. Come tomorrow it will be over and done. Brad walks in, kneels down next to her and puts his arm around her shoulder. Chris can see the tears in his eyes as he hugs her close to him.
“
I
’
m going to go. Is there anything
…
?
”
Shaking her head she tells him no. Even though she has been ordered to stay away, Brandon
’
s mom never thought that Chris
’
parents might attend, so Brad decided he would go to the viewing while Barb stays home with her. Chris has given up on trying not to cry as the tears fall. Wiping them off with her sleeve she looks up at Brad. He looks nice. He
’
s dressed in a suit, something she doesn
’
t remember ever seeing him in before.

   Sorry
”
She tells him as she touches the wet spot her tears leave on his shirt. He squeezes her again, let
’
s her go and leaves. Barb tries to comfort her, tries to keep Chris
’
mind occupied, but nothing seems to help and she finally let
’
s Chris go out and sit on the porch swing, knowing that will just make Chris cry more, remembering all the times Brandon and her sat there, but there
’
s just nothing she can do. She knows Chris is strong and that over time
…
her heart will mend.



   Chris watches as Brad pulls into the driveway and walks up the steps to where she
’
s sitting on the porch swing. He sits down next to her and wraps his arms around her.

  
“
You doing okay?
“
Chris shakes her head and lays it against his shoulder. Brad takes a deep breath before speaking.
“
Brandon was a brave young man Chris and he loved you very much.
”

  
“
But he shouldn
’
t have done that Dad. He should never have ran between me and them.
”

  
“
Chris honey I would have done the same thing. Even your mom would have. Brandon didn
’
t want to see you hurt. He didn
’
t want to lose you.
”

  
“
Oh but its okay that I lost him? It
’
s just doesn
’
t seem right. It
’
s not fair.
”
Chris uses her fingers to wipe the tears from her cheeks. She bites her lip.
“
Did he look
…
Chris rubs her fingers across her face and lips.
“
Did he look okay? Oh dad
…”

Brad tightens his arms around her and lays his cheek on her head.
“
He looked good Chris. He had on a dark blue suit and he was at peace. There were quite a few people there. I
’
m guessing mostly kids from your school. Brent was there with his parents. They asked how you were and they send you their love. Chris, Brandon
’
s parents left before I did. There
’
s still about twenty minutes left, do you want to go say goodbye?
”

Looking out in the distance she whispers no. She knows it was hard enough having him die in her arms, but that
’
s the way she wants to remember him. Seeing him lying there in the coffin would rip her heart out completely.

  
“
Are you ready to go in?
”

  
“
No. I think I
’
ll stay out here for a little while longer.
”

  
“
Alright, but don
‘
t stay out here too long, okay?
”
He kisses her on the forehead, stands up, and pulls the memorial card out of his pocket, handing it to her before going inside.

   Looking down at the card through her tears, Chris can see Brandon
’
s parents had his senior portrait printed on the front. She touches his face softly before opening it up. She reads the Lord
’
s Prayer printed inside and closing her eyes Chris can picture him lying there in the coffin. His hands folded across his chest, but no matter how hard she tries, she can
’
t see his wedding ring on his finger, knowing in her heart that he
’
s not wearing it and that he won
’
t be buried with it. Sobbing Chris holds the card to her breast and whispers,
“
I
’
m sorry.
”



   Earlier that morning, Brent had measured exactly five hundred feet in every direction and placed a single white rose at each spot so Chris would know where she could stand. Chris wasn
’
t going to go, but mom finally convinced her she needed to, knowing that if she didn
’
t she would regret it the rest of her life. Chris looks down at the roses.
“
Mom. Do you think Brent measured right? This doesn
’
t seem to be far enough away.
”

“
It
’
s far enough Chris. Come on before everyone gets here.
”

Barb puts her arm around Chris and they walk up to the grave site where Brandon will be buried so Chris can leave a purple iris for Brent to place on the coffin for her. Chris looks at the flowers that have already been set in place and the mound of dirt that is covered by a carpet of imitation grass. The contraption that the coffin will be placed on and that lowers it in the hole is sitting over the unearthed grave. Chris takes a deep breath, turns and walks back down the hill to where she has decided to stand. Barb follows Chris and puts her arm around her as they watch the hearse pull up, followed by the cars holding family and friends. Chris watches through her tears as Brent and the other pallbearers carry the coffin to the stand. There are 5 other pallbearers besides Brent. Brent
’
s dad is one of them, and then there are three of his teammates from baseball, but the other man Chris doesn
’
t know. Maybe a relative or family friend, she
’
s not sure. But it
’
s not important. Almost collapsing as she sees Amber walk up and place a single red rose on Brandon
’
s coffin, Chris sits down on her knees and watches as Amber sits down next to Brandon
’
s mom.
“
I should be sitting there, not her.
”
Chris lowers her head and placing her hands between her knees, she prays. Looking back up, she sees Brent holding her flower as he sits down. There are a lot of people here, so the minister speaks loudly and Chris can hear most of the sermon. She prays with each prayer, and talks to Brandon in her mind. Telling him everything will be okay and how much she loves him, and misses him. After the service, Chris watches Brent lay her flower on the coffin and then bend down and whisper something. She can
’
t hear him, so she has no idea what he
’
s saying. She watches as people start to leave. Bowing her head to say one last prayer, Chris hears Brent yelling and she looks up in that direction. He
’
s standing face to face with Brandon
’
s mom.
“
She was his wife and he loved her.
”
Chris can
’
t hear everything, but she does hear Brent tell her that the coffin is sealed and she can
’
t do anything about it. Brandon
’
s mom yells something back at him and he tells her to
“
Go to hell.
”
As he storms off, Chris sees Brent
’
s parents walking towards her. Panicking, Chris wants to get up and run, but Barb stops her.
“
Mom, I
’
m not supposed to be here
…”

  
“
Shh
…
It
’
s okay.
”

Chris stands up as Mary walks over and puts her arms around her and hugs her tight.
“
Chris, I
’
m so sorry. You know if there is anything we can do, just let us know.
”
Mary lets go and lets Peter hug her.

As they are walking away, Chris whispers,
“
Why was Brent so upset? What was he referring to about the coffin?
”

Brent
’
s mom walks back to Chris, puts her arms around her, and whispers.
“
Brent put Brandon
’
s wedding ring on his finger last night before they sealed his casket.
”
Letting go they walk away and Chris sits back down on her knees and cries.

    Watching as everyone drives away Chris and Barb walk up to the casket. Looking around to make sure no one is watching her Chris sees the back hoe that will cover up the grave. Funny she doesn
’
t remember it sitting there before. The minister and the hearse driver are standing next to it talking to the groundskeeper. Chris reaches over, softly touches the casket and takes a deep breath and with the words catching in her throat she whispers.

  
“
Oh Brandon
…”

The minister walks over to her.
“
I
’
m sorry, but you really should leave. They will be lowering his casket in a few minutes and we find that, that is something that can be too devastating on the family and friends.

Chris shakes her head and Barb puts her arm around her,
“
Chris, are you sure?
”
Barb looks at the minister,
“
We are staying.
”
The minister bows his head and prays as they lower the casket into the ground. Chris clenches and unclenches her hands but doesn
’
t close her eyes or pray, but watches through her tears, before walking away.

  
It
’
s been two weeks since
…
.Chris shakes her head trying to clear the image out, while telling herself,
“
Everything will be fine
.
”
Looking in the mirror one last time she dabs a little more powder on the dark puffy circles under her red rimmed eyes and walks out.



   Shaking so bad, Chris finally gets the key in the hole and yanks open the door. She steps inside and her eyes are drawn to the spot where Brandon died. She gags and reaches back for the door, pulling it shut she locks it from the inside before running to the bathroom. Sobbing Chris leans over the toilet and throws up the only thing in her stomach, a lukewarm cup of coffee she had, had for breakfast. Hearing someone banging on the locked entrance door, she jumps and slowly walks out of the bathroom. Brent has his face pressed against his cupped hands and he
’
s peering through the glass. Chris unlocks the door and lets him in.
“
What are you doing here Brent?
”

Brent gently grasps her arms and looks at her tear stained face.

  
“
Chris are you sure you can do this?
”

  
“
I
’
m fine.
”

  
“
You don
’
t look fine Chris. Your mom and I, we don
’
t think you should be doing this so soon. We think you need more time.
”

    
“
Brent, I have to. My rent is due in a couple of weeks and I need the money.
”

  
“
Then let me loan you the money.
”

  
“
No. Now why are you here?
”

  
“
I came to sit with you for a little while.
”

  
“
You don
’
t have to do that, besides don
’
t you have a class this morning?
”