Her Journey Begins (28 page)

Barb walks out on the porch and hugs her.
“
I love you Chrissy.
”

“
I know mom, I love you too.
”

As she is walking down the sidewalk, Chris looks back at Barb with the feeling that she might never see her again.
“
Give dad a hug for me and tell him, I love him too.
”



   Kneeling at Brandon
’
s grave Chris feels a hand on her shoulder. Looking up to see who it is, she quickly stands up. Chris recognizes him as the man that came in and bought cigarettes at the store.

  
“
I
’
m sorry I didn
’
t mean to scare you.
”

  
“
Look, I don
’
t know who you are and I
’
m to the point that I don
’
t really care. I don
’
t know what she wants from me. I gave her back her son. I signed the papers for the annulment, I stayed away from the funeral and I let her have his possessions. I have nothing left to give her, so just tell her to leave me alone.
”
Chris turns to walk away and he stops her.

  
“
You think I
’
m here on my sister
’
s behalf? She doesn
’
t need me to do her dirty work.
”

Chris looks at him,
“
Your sister? Who are you and what do you want?
”
She asks letting her shoulders slump but doesn
‘
t let him answer her.
“
I
’
m sorry, just go away and leave me alone.
”
And Chris walks away knowing he
’
s watching her.



   Getting back to her apartment Chris folds her clean clothes and puts them away, makes herself another half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and warms up the last of the coffee in the coffeepot from this morning. Pulling the paper out of her pocket with his number on it, she walks down to the corner to use the payphone and calls the professor, letting him know that she is taking him up on his offer and she wants to move in next weekend.



   Up early after a terrible night
’
s sleep Chris goes in and makes herself a cup of tea. Sitting at the table she thinks about the nightmare that she had last night. It
’
s the same one she has every time after she
’
s been to the cemetery.
She
’
s looking down at Brandon in his coffin and he opens his eyes and looks at her.
“
Why weren
’
t you at my funeral? Why was Amber sitting in the seat that was meant for you?
”
 
“
Because your mom wouldn
’
t let me come to your funeral.
”
And he tells her,
“
To hell with my mom. I stood up to her for you, why couldn
’
t you stand up to her for me? You were my wife, why weren
’
t you there to say goodbye to me. I loved you and you weren
’
t there.
”
She always wakes up crying and whispering,
“
I
’
m sorry
”
after having this particular dream. Wondering if he
’
s trying to let her know
…
what? What? What do you want me to know Brandon? Why can
’
t you just come to my dreams and tell me that you and our little girl are okay and that you love me and you miss me, like I
…
like I miss you. Her thoughts start out loud and strong in her head and then taper down to a whisper.
Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she gets up from the table.
She needs to get dressed
, she tells herself, so she can walk to the market down the street and see if she can get some boxes. On her way back she stops by her neighbor
’
s to see if she can borrow some coffee.

  
“
Hi Chris, how are you?
”

  
“
I
’
m doing okay. I was just wondering, can I get some coffee from you. I don
’
t want to have to go to the grocery store right now.
”

  
“
Sure come on in.
”
She puts two scoops in a container and hands it to Chris.

  
“
I don
’
t need that much.
”

  
“
That
’
s okay, I hardly ever drink it. In fact I can give you more if you want.
”

  
“
No, that
’
s plenty. Thank you. While I
’
m here, I also wanted to let you know, I
’
ll be moving out next week.
”

  
“
You
’
re moving? Why?
”

  
“
I am going to be sharing a house with someone, so I
’
ll be closer to the college. That way I won
’
t have to put up with the bus rides every day.
”
I
’
m lying
, she thinks to herself;
no not really, I
’
m just not telling her the whole story. By next week, everyone here will know I was evicted, what difference does it make? None really, I just don
’
t want people feeling sorry for me.
”
Shaking her head she tells herself,
“
You have got to quit having these mental conversations with yourself.
”
Smiling she thanks the neighbor and goes back to her apartment.



   The whole week has felt crazy. One minute time seems to fly by and the next it feels like it
’
s just standing still. She keeps telling herself,
Everything is going to work out for the best and yet she has this feeling she
’
s headed for doom.
She is going to have to ride the bus out to the professor
’
s house when she moves, so she needs to go through everything and get rid of everything she doesn
’
t need. As she goes room to room, Chris boxes up the items she can
’
t take and then she double checks every nook and corner, not wanting to miss something important.



   Getting up Saturday morning she feels nervous and her stomach feels queasy. Taking one last look around Chris picks up the two grocery bags of her clothes and necessities, grabs her camera case and  photo album and says goodbye to this corner of her life.



   Chris glances at the clock and then sits down at the table. Thinking back, the first few months weren
’
t so bad. He was fine until the first time she couldn
’
t pay her rent. She remembers all she had was seventy five dollars and had told him she would try and get the rest by next week. He didn
’
t say anything, just walked out and went to work. She was in bed when he came home. She could hear him making all kinds of noise in the kitchen, opening and slamming shut the cupboards, turning on the water, and stomping around. Not really wanting to know what he was doing, she closed her eyes and hoped she would fall asleep when he unexpectedly walked into her room. She remembers the lights were on in the living room and she could see that he was standing there naked.

  
“
What are you doing? Get out of my room.
”
As she started to get up he walked over and pushed her back down on the bed. He
’
d been drinking. She could smell the booze on him. 

  
“
Your room?
”
he had asked her.
“
No, since you can
’
t pay your rent, this is my room, in my house, not your room.
”

The tone in his voice frightened her.

  
“
What are you saying? I gave you what I had and I told you I
’
d get the rest to you next week.
”

  
“
What I
’
m saying is, if you can
’
t give me all the money for your rent, you
’
ll just have to pay for it in other ways.
”

She went to get up again and he shoved her back down, he grabbed her panties, and ripped them off of her.
“
Please
…
you can
’
t do this.
”
Chris screamed and struggled against him.

  
“
I don
’
t know who you are yelling for, there
’
s no one here to help you.
”
Holding her down he got on top of her and her mind started racing,
he
’
s going to rape me
. No matter how hard she struggled, he was stronger than her. When he was done he got off of her and threw her money at her.
“
Here, hold on to it you
’
ll need it towards next month
’
s rent, but just remember, if you don
’
t have the full amount, you
’
ll have to pay for it in other ways.
”

   Lying there hurt and violated, afraid to fall asleep, she cried,
“
Oh Brandon, why did you have to die? You didn
’
t have to save me. It should have been me they shot, not you.
”
Finally she cried herself to sleep only to wake up the next morning afraid to face the day.



   Thinking he had left, Chris comes out of her room and is alarmed when he walks out of the kitchen. He leered at her.
“
You look like shit. What
’
s the matter didn
’
t you sleep well? Funny, I slept like a baby.
”

   Chris waited for him to leave before she stepped into the shower. Letting the hot water spray down on her Chris touched the bruises on her inner thighs. She grabbed the wash cloth and soap and tried to scrub the sweaty feel of him from her body. Sobbing she slid down and sat hugging her knees till the water ran cold. 

   She tossed her sheets into the washer and sat down at the kitchen table frantically trying to think if she had anything to sell. She looked down at her hands as she fidgeted and twirled her rings around before she looked up towards the ceiling,
“
Oh Brandon, I
’
m sorry, but I don
’
t know what else to do.
”
She remembers she slipped off her engagement ring, looked at it and put it back on, before getting up.

   Later that night lying in bed, alone and terrified, hoping last night
’
s incident didn
’
t happen again, Chris finally breathed a sigh of relief, when she heard his snoring coming from the other room.



   This time she made sure he was gone before she came out of her room. She grabbed some blank paper and markers.
There has to be a few people around the neighborhood that could use a baby sitter
.



    When she handed him the $75 she had and the $30 she had made baby sitting he became agitated and irritable. Maybe because he couldn
’
t take the rent out in trade frustrated him, she didn
’
t know for sure, she just knew that she needed to make sure she did things his way or she would pay in one way or another. The first time he hit her was for the stupidest thing. Well he didn
’
t actually hit her, but
…
She had put on a pot of coffee and had forgotten to turn it on to brew. As she was laughing at how dumb she was, he grabbed her around the arm, yelling at her, he shoved her against the kitchen sink. She
’
ll never forget that first bruise on her hip. It hurt for days.