Heaven and Hell (60 page)

And I was right. He didn’t. He acted like
nothing was amiss.

I let this slide, practiced patience and
hoped. I also kept up the steady flow of giving me and sharing my
feelings for him.

And to the last, all I ever got back was,
“Good.”

And that started to hurt.

When Sam was gone, I spent time with Luci. I
spent time discovering Kingston. I walked my dog on the beach. I
cleaned Sam’s house. I went to the grocery store. I did the
laundry. I ironed his shirts. I talked to my friends and family on
the phone.

But patience wasn’t working. I was seeing
Sam less and less and I was feeling Sam withdraw more and more.

Then the time had come for my family to
visit and I couldn’t let it slide, I couldn’t practice patience, I
couldn’t hope. They’d notice, I knew they would. I had to make
something happen. I had to find out what the fuck was going on.

I timed it when I thought it was right. We
were in a moment, they were coming few and far between but it was a
moment like it used to be between us. Sam seemed mellow, laidback…
Sam.

We were watching a movie on DVD. We’d had a
good day out buying a pullout couch for his office so Gitte and
Kyle could sleep there. Sheets. Gifts to give my family. Sam had
made me dinner and I’d kept him company in the kitchen, drinking
beer, being stupid, making him laugh. He hadn’t seen a buddy. He’d
only run for an hour. He didn’t have something to see to. It was
just us all day.

And as we lay on the couch, cuddled
together, me with my back to the couch, my front plastered to Sam,
my cheek on his chest, my eyes on the movie; Sam with his arm
around me, his fingers trailing my hip and waist in random
patterns, his eyes on the movie, I took my shot.

“This movie sucks,” I announced and that was
not a ploy. It did. It wasn’t bad. It was
bad.

I heard and felt the rumble of his chuckle,
his body shaking before he agreed, “It seriously fuckin’ does,
baby.”

I lifted my head from his chest and looked
into his smiling, beautiful eyes.

God, I missed that.

God, God,
God,
I missed seeing his
eyes smile.

“Sorry,” I muttered because the movie was my
choice.

“Punishment, next three flicks we rent, I
pick.”

“Okay,” I whispered then pushed myself on
top of him, reached out to the coffee table, tagged the remote and
pointed it at the TV. I hit the button and the action paused. Then
I tossed the remote back on the table and turned back to him.
Staying on top of him, I placed my hands on his chest and caught
his eyes. “Can we talk instead?”

The guard slammed down.

Oh man. I actually saw it slam… right…
down.

Both his hands came up and sifted into my
hair at the sides, holding it back and he replied, “Better things
we could do, baby.”

It should be noted that through these nearly
three weeks, our sex life didn’t suffer.

No. Not at all.

It was better than ever, like that night of
the promise, hot, heavy, hard, intense, out-of-control… but
desperate. It was the kind of sex I didn’t have to burn in my
brain. Sam did it for me. Every touch, every taste, every stroke
I’d never forget. It was beautiful. It was the only thing we shared
that made me believe.

Even so…

“I’d rather talk,” I told him quietly.

His hands slid through my hair, down my back
and his arms wrapped around me.

Then he invited shortly, “Do it.”

Not a good start.

“We’re…” I hesitated then pointed out,
“Something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Kia,” he replied
instantly. So instantly I blinked.

He couldn’t possibly think that.

“Sam, since Luci had her thing on the beach,
things have not been the same.”

“Everything’s fine.”

God! Seriously?

“It isn’t,” I pressed.

“It is.”

Was he in denial?

I stared at him.

Then I tried something else.

“You spend a lot of time away and you don’t
tell me who you’re with or what you’re doing. That isn’t
right.”

His arms convulsed around me, his eyes got
hard and my stomach clutched.

“Don’t go there,” he warned on a low
growl.

Oh man. Not this again.

“Go where?” I asked.

“There,” was his one word answer.

“Sam! Seriously?”

He knifed up, shifting me so my ass was to
the couch, he got up and moved away.

Yes. It was this again.

And I would not stand for it.

I shot to my feet. “Don’t walk away from
me!” I snapped.

He turned back and clipped, “I told you you
got me, you got me. Do not question it. Trust it.”

“Okay,” I returned. “And you know you’ve got
me. So would you be okay if I took off to do shit you didn’t know
what I was doing and meet people you didn’t know who they
were?”

“Fuck no,” he replied.

I threw out a hand. “See!”

“You’re a woman who’s, due to no fault of
her own, found herself in a fair amount of trouble. I worry about
you so, no, I would not be okay with that. I can take care of
myself. If a situation arose, you could not. That said, I trust you
and you gotta trust me.”

“For how long?” I asked immediately and his
brows shot together.

“What?”

“For how long, Sam, how long do you get to
do what you want and be where you are and expect me to trust you
before
you
trust
me?
”

“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked on
a growl.

“It means, you not sharing tells me you
don’t trust me.”

“That’s bullshit,” he bit off.

“So now you’re telling me how I should feel?
Because that’s what it feels like, Sam, you keep stuff from me, you
keep
you,
” I jerked a finger at him, “locked away from me.
You don’t tell me what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with.
That’s how it feels. Like you don’t trust me.”

“I told you, Kia, you have me and not five
fuckin’ seconds ago I told you to trust that. If this gig is you
tellin’ me you don’t trust that then
you
don’t trust
me
. So fuckin’
trust it.
”

I shook my head. “You’re lying to yourself
and you’re lying to me if you believe that. If you expect that to
be okay. If you expect that from me. You can’t take it all, Sam,
and give me only what you want me to have. You cannot have all of
me and only give me part of you. That isn’t fair.”

His torso swung back and he crossed his arms
on his chest. “So you’re sayin’ I’m lyin’ and you don’t have
me.”

“Absolutely,” I shot back. “If you can stand
there and tell me that the last three weeks I’ve ‘had you’,” I
lifted my hands and did air quotation marks before dropping them
again, “then you are absolutely lying. Something is happening.
Something is wrong. And you are shutting me out.”

He clamped his mouth shut and a muscle
jumped in his cheek.

I waited.

Sam didn’t speak.

God! At that very moment he was
shutting
me out.

I fought back tears.

Sam
still
didn’t speak.

So I did and when I did, I changed the
subject.

“Tell me about Gordo,” I demanded, his head
jerked, it was almost imperceptible but I saw it.

Then Sam spoke.

“Talk about Gordo enough with Luci, not
talkin’ about him with you.”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to know
about how Luci is processing his loss. I want to know how
you
are.”

“Processed it awhile ago, sweetheart. Don’t
need to do that shit again.”

He was calling me sweetheart.

Damn.

“You didn’t,” I said softly.

“Got enough of Gordo buyin’ it up in my
face, Kia, I do not need more. He bought it. He bought it awhile
ago. It’s done. Can we please, for fuck’s sake, let it be
done?
”

“It isn’t done,” I returned.

“It’s done.”

“Then what was that, that night when you
woke me up and made love to me?” I asked. “What was that Sam? That
was far from done.”

Sam again shut his mouth and I saw his jaw
clench.

He was shutting me out. And looking into his
hard features and guarded eyes, I knew I was not getting in.

And that didn’t hurt. That killed.

I held his eyes and whispered, “Right.” Then
I moved toward the kitchen, saying, “I’m taking Memphis for a
walk.”

“Not alone,” he said to my back.

I stopped and turned to him. “What?”

“Aziz and Deaver have been released. You’re
good. But at night, I do not want you walkin’ the beach alone with
a King Charles spaniel. Memphis loves you but someone meant you
harm, she couldn’t do shit. So at night, you’re not walkin’ the
beach alone.”

“I’ll be fine,” I told him.

“Yeah, you will, seein’ as you’re not
walkin’ the beach at night alone.”

I stared at him, teeth clenched, tears
close. I had to get away from him and I had to do it now.

“Okay,” I said quietly. “Then I’m going to
the guest bedroom and I’m spending the night there.” His jaw
clenched again, his eyes flashed and I hurried on, “And do not do
anything macho to piss me off, Sam. I need space and I need to be
alone and you’re going to give that to me.”

Then before he could say another word or the
look on his face could make me go back on what I said, I turned and
ran up the stairs.

I spent the night in the guest bedroom and
Sam didn’t do anything macho to piss me off. I slept alone. That
was, I slept alone for the first time in ages after crying a lot
and thinking a lot and neither of them did one fucking thing to
help me.

The next morning, eyes still puffy, face
blotchy, hair a mess, I struggled downstairs to coffee at a time
when I was certain Sam would be gone.

He wasn’t.

He was in his workout clothes, leaning with
hips against the counter, coffee mug in his hand.

His eyes came to me immediately and I knew
at a glance he’d figured me out. Then again, the puffy eyes and
blotchy face and the fact that I probably didn’t stifle all my sobs
in the pillow the night before gave it away.

His face got soft, his eyes got warm and
intense and his mouth said gently, “Bed’s not right, you not in
it.”

“You’ve slept a lot in that bed without me,
Sam, and from what you yourself told me you’ve slept with a lot of
people in that bed who are not me so I’m not certain I believe
you.”

His face lost its softness, his eyes their
warmth but the intensity didn’t shift from me when he whispered,
“Not cool, baby.”

“Maybe not cool but it’s true.”

“Do not make this dirty,” he warned.

“Right then, last night, you totally missed
how much
this
means to me because I’m willing to play it
dirty in hopes of getting something,
anything,
from
you.
”

“You have everything from me,” he returned
quietly.

“That’s another lie.”

He held my eyes. Then he kept talking
quietly. “Right, Kia, honey, then I’ll say you’ve got everything
I’ve got to give.”

“That’s not enough, Sam. I love you and when
you love someone, you want all of them. I’ve given you all of me.
I’m here. I’m laid bare. Hell, I laid myself bare within days of
knowing you. My family is arriving tomorrow, bringing my stuff. I’m
living with you, restarting my life, here,
with you.
Now I
want all of you.”

“Baby, I’m sayin’ you gotta take what I can
give.”

“And honey,
I’m
saying I want
all
of you.
”

And at that he was done. I knew this when he
pushed away from the counter, twisted, put his mug down then walked
toward the stairs to the garage but stopped and turned to me.

“I’m goin’ to workout. While I’m gone, Kia,
baby, you gotta decide if it’s all or nothing. You know where I
stand. Your decision.”

Then he was gone.

That’s right. Without another word or
allowing me one, he was gone.

After I heard the growl of his truck fade,
the hum of his gate closing stop, I started crying again.

I managed to shower, dress and leave a note
and I took Memphis for a walk on beach. I didn’t know if he got
back in an hour and a half or three that was how long I was
gone.

Because that was how long it took to make my
heartbreaking decision.

When I got back, Sam was dealing with the
furniture people who were delivering the sofa. They were pretty
psyched and not hiding it that they got to deliver a sofa to
Sampson Cooper.

When Memphis and I showed up, Sam turned his
back on them, took one look at me, closed his eyes and turned his
head slightly to the side.

But I didn’t miss the pain that slashed
through his features.

Seeing he’d figured me out, seeing his
reaction to it, my decision took a direct hit.

Then his eyes opened, locked on me and they
were burning intense, so much, it felt like they burned the air out
of my lungs. He walked right up to me, nabbed me by the back of the
head, pulled me in and up and laid a hot, wet, heavy one on me.

My decision already on shaky ground, I
instantly changed my mind.

Sam lifted his head, his eyes scanned my
face and he figured that out too.

Then his eyes closed, his fingers convulsed
at the back of my head and he dropped his forehead to mine.

Damn, that was sweet.

Yep, I changed my mind.

He opened his eyes, touched his mouth to
mine again then claimed me with an arm around my shoulders, turning
back to the furniture guys who had the couch on the curve toward
the stairs and were grinning at us.

“Hope you take no offense, Coop,” the
mischievous one said, “but your woman is seriously hot.”

I sighed.

Sam muttered, “This is not something I’ve
missed.”