Heaven and Hell (63 page)

Then he let me go and moved to the door.

He was leaving.

Just like that. He was leaving.

I moved then.

I turned to face the door and said softly,
“I love you, Sam.”

He stopped and turned to me. I saw
immediately that his face had changed. His features had been
guarded, the shutters down, I was shut out.

Now his face was soft, his eyes warm and
intense and his lips were tipped up.

He thought he still had me.

But it would be what he would do next that
would tip the balance of my heart; he just didn’t know he was being
tested.

He failed at the first hurdle by whispering,
“Good.”

Instantly I asked, “Do you love me?”

The guard rose up, the shutters in his eyes
slammed down and my heart split right in two.

He didn’t answer.

“Do you love me?” I repeated.

“Go home,” he whispered. “Be with your
family. I’ll be in contact soon’s I can.”

“Do you love me?” I asked again.

“Soon’s I can, baby.”

I clenched my teeth so I wouldn’t cry.

Maris was wrong.

It had happened.

Sam Cooper had broken my heart.

And Dad was wrong.

My heart didn’t guide me.

Not until it was too late.

When I had it under control, I said in a
thick voice, “Be safe, honey.”

He jerked his chin up.

Then he disappeared.

Memphis yapped.

After long moments, I put my struggling dog
down and she ran out the door after Sam as I heard the garage door
going up.

I walked woodenly to Sam’s office.

I was sitting down at his desk when I heard
the garage door going down.

I had the phonebook opened to movers by the
time the hum of the gate stopped and I knew it had closed behind
him.

* * * * *

Four days later…

The movers arrived late. They were only now
just leaving.

I was pressed for time. The car that was
taking me to the airport was going to be there in five minutes.

I was packed; Memphis’s crate was at the
ready with my bags at the door.

I was standing at the kitchen island staring
down at the note I wrote to Sam.

It said:

Sam,

I’m sorry. I can’t do this. The answer is
all.

I hope you find someone who can accept the
beauty you can give how you can give it.

I guess I’m just greedy.

I’ll always love you,

Kia

There was so much more to say. Then again, I
wished I could find some way to make it shorter. It took four days
to get the note to what it was; I didn’t have any more time so that
would have to do.

I folded it, slipped it into the envelope,
licked the flap and sealed it. Then I wrote Sam’s name on the front
and set it on the island.

I did this deep breathing. I’d cried enough
the last four days while avoiding Luci, letting the one call Sam
made go to voicemail, making plans and packing. I couldn’t afford
more tears. I had a trip ahead of me with Memphis in tow, I needed
my wits about me and I needed energy. Tears were exhausting.

I turned to Memphis who was sitting on the
floor beside me, unusually silent as she had been for the last four
days. She sensed her Momma’s mood, she sensed her Momma didn’t want
to talk and she was a good dog.

“Before you know it, sweetie, we’ll be
home,” I whispered as I was about to bend to pick her up but I
caught something out of the corner of my eye and focused on it.

Damn.

Skip.

Just like he did the one and only time he
came calling, he barged right up to and through the two front
doors.

I bent, picked up Memphis and met him in the
living room.

“You and Sam movin’? What’s the deal?” he
asked by way of greeting.

I had no idea why he was there but I knew he
saw the moving van.

“Sam’s not moving, I am,” I told him,
walking right by him to Memphis’s crate.

“Say again?” Skip asked my back.

I turned to him and repeated, “Sam’s not
moving, I am.”

Skip scowled at me then he looked around the
space before his eyes came back to me and he asked, “Where’s
Sam?”

“I have no idea,” I whispered, bent to the
crate and gently placed an unresisting Memphis in it.

“Shit,” I heard Skip whisper in return. This
surprised me, Skip wasn’t the kind of man who whispered so after I
hooked the gate on Memphis’s crate I straightened and turned to
him. He didn’t delay when he caught my eyes. “Is he still doin’
that shit?” he asked quietly.

So Skip knew about “that shit”.

Whatever.

“I don’t know,” I answered. “I don’t know
what he’s doing. I don’t know where he is. All I know is one minute
he was here, the next minute he was gone, off to locations unknown
to do stuff unknown.”

“Kia –” Skip started and I shook my
head.

“I know you’re gruff and rough and speak
your mind but, no offense, Skip, this is not the time and this is
also none of your business.”

“Don’t give up on him,” Skip said softly,
surprising me again with his tone and the intent way he was looking
at me.

Seriously, I couldn’t do this now, I didn’t
have the time.

And seriously, I couldn’t do this now or
ever, I didn’t have the strength left to do it.

“Skip, please, this is none of your
business.”

“I told you, never seen a love like what
Gordo had with Luci. I’ll also tell you, closest thing to it was
how Sam was with you that night at the Shack,” Skip replied.

Oh God.

Seriously! I couldn’t do this!

“You have to stop, Skip, I can’t do this.
And you have to go. The car is coming to take me to the airport,
it’s going to be here soon and I need to secure the house and get
Memphis and my bags to the drive.”

Skip ignored me totally.

“Didn’t think Sam could be like that. Not
with anyone.”

Suddenly, my hands shot up and I pressed the
pads of my fingers to my forehead hard.

Then I jerked them away, twisted them palm
out and pressed them toward Skip, begging, “Please, stop. I can’t
do this.”

Skip’s leathery face, if it could be
believed, got soft (ish).

“That boy’s endured a lot,” he told me
gently.

“I know that,” I snapped harshly, scratching
at anger in the hopes it would see me through.

“You need to have patience with him. Don’t
give up. What I saw of him with you, girl, he’ll –”

I shook my head again and cut him off, “No,
he won’t.”

His voice got firmer and more insistent.
“You have to have patience, girl.”

“You don’t know!” I cried. “You don’t know
how it’s been.”

He went back to soft and gentle when he
agreed, “You’re right. I don’t. I still know you gotta have
patience.”

I’d had enough.

Really, could you blame me?

“It isn’t lost on me he has demons, Skip.
I’ve put it together. A man doesn’t leave a professional football
career to join the Army when his brother dies unless something is
there, something deep, something profound. He has not shared this
with me. A man does not lose his best friend and look after that
man’s widow unless the bond between them is so strong death can’t
break it. I know this too. He has not shared about this with me
either. I’ve asked. I’ve not asked and waited for him to talk to
me. We’ve fought about it. But that isn’t it. There’s a big part of
his life I have no idea about. He walks away from me to have phone
conversations. He leaves to meet people. I ask about this too, he
doesn’t answer. He’s determined to keep those demons locked inside
him, Skip, and he’s determined to keep his secrets. And I know one
thing for definite about Sam Cooper. When he’s determined to do
something, he’s going to do it. I tried to live with it. I tried to
accept it, but I can’t. And the reason I know I can’t is, he’s
gone, Skip, and it is also not lost on me that he’s not off on a
goodwill mission to bring water, food and medication to drought
stricken areas of Africa. He took his fucking
passport.
And
he’s somewhere far away doing something dangerous. I know it. I’m
not stupid. And I don’t have to know everything but I have to know
something
so I can be prepared. I deserve that. And if he
loved me, he’d give me that. Whatever he’s doing means something
could happen to the man I love and he should love me enough to let
me decide if I want to live with that fear. And I’ll tell you what
I would tell him if he’d loved me enough to give me the choice. The
answer would be yes. But he should love me enough to allow me to
make an informed choice, accept it and to help me learn how to live
with it and prepare for the possibility that I whatever he’s doing
may make me Luci. I’ve given him everything, Skip, and he’s given
me so much it isn’t funny. But he’s kept important things locked
away. That isn’t right. It isn’t fair. And it isn’t what a healthy
relationship is based on. I can’t do it. I want it all and he won’t
give it all. I asked for it and he told me I can’t have it. He told
me it’s my decision and he’s right, it is so I’m making it.”

Skip took a step toward me and coaxed, “Wait
it out, he’ll be back. When he comes back, I’ll talk to Hap and
we’ll have a word with Sam.”

That was huge; I knew it, Skip talking to
Hap to do that for me.

But I knew Sam. They would fail. If I
couldn’t break through, they couldn’t.

“It won’t work,” I whispered, shaking my
head.

“Woman, let us try,” Skip whispered back and
my eyes locked with his.

“You know him, Skip,
you know him.
It
won’t work.”

Skip held my eyes and I let him. This lasted
awhile.

I was losing it and felt my lips tremble.
Skip’s eyes dropped to them then shot back to mine.

“He gets home, I’m gonna kick his ass,” he
bit off and I shook my head again.

“Don’t. Please. He thinks the world of you
and he needs good people around him. You get in the middle of this,
Sam won’t like it. You’re good people, Skip, and he needs you. Just
let him be.”

Skip visibly clenched his teeth.

A horn honked in the distance.

The car was here.

Shit.

It was time to go.

“I have to go,” I told him quietly.

He scowled at me.

Then he muttered, “I’ll get your bags.”

I swallowed. Skip got my bags, I rushed
through the house making sure the backdoor was locked, all the
windows secure then I rushed back, grabbed my purse, the keys, the
padded envelope I prepared and the remote on the bar. I snatched up
Memphis’s crate, went to the security panel, punched in the code
and hurried out, locking up behind me.

Skip and the driver were loading my luggage
in the trunk when I arrived. I greeted the driver and loaded
Memphis in the backseat.

Then I turned to Skip.

“Maybe one day I’ll come back and have
another sandwich,” I said on a small smile knowing this was never,
ever going to happen.

Kingston, North Carolina was a memory for
me.

No, it was a dream, better than a memory but
still, just as unattainable.

“Maybe, after I kick his ass, you will,”
Skip returned.

“Skip –” I started.

“You do what you gotta do, girl, and I’ll do
what I gotta do. Life’s too short to live with demons and life’s
too short to miss one second bein’ with the ones you love. You
gotta go, I see that. I gotta kick that boy’s ass when he comes
home, I hope you can see that.”

This was Skip, I didn’t know him very well
but I knew him enough to see that.

I nodded.

Sam wouldn’t like that but whatever. I’d
never know. Sam said if it was all or nothing and it was my
decision, he meant it.

I leaned in and kissed Skip’s cheek.

Skip surprised me again by folding his arms
around me and giving me a tight hug.

I hugged him back.

“See you at the Shack,” he muttered gruffly
in my ear.

I hiccoughed to swallow a sob.

Then, not looking back, I got in the car and
gave the driver instructions. He did as he was told, waiting for
Skip’s pickup to clear the drive, he followed and stopped.

I hit the remote.

The gate closed.

I put the remote and keys in the padded
envelope, sealed it, got out and ran to the postbox mounted at the
side of the gate. I shoved it through. Then I got back in the
car.

I really didn’t want to, I really didn’t, I
needed all my energy but as the driver drove away, I managed not to
look back.

But I didn’t manage not to cry.

Tough

Three weeks and one day later…

I walked on the wet, uneven sidewalks. They
were wet but it wasn’t raining.

For once.

I had not noticed London was foggy but it
sure was wet.

As I rushed along the sidewalks, I couldn’t
shake the feeling I was being watched. It was freaky weird and
totally stupid. No one was watching me. But as I went, twice, I
turned my head to scan my surroundings.

There were a sea of faces but no one was
looking at me.

I rushed because I was late and I rushed
because I didn’t want to get caught in rain. I had an umbrella but
I’d moved out of the residential area of Kensington where Celeste
and Thomas lived and into the area of Kensington where the
sidewalks were rife with people. It was already a struggle
negotiating the populated streets, it was a pain in the ass to do
it with your umbrella bumping against and catching on everyone
else’s.

Trust me, I knew this and I’d only been
there a week but I still had plenty of experience.

I left Memphis behind with Mom and Dad and
took off. This was, I knew, because there was a possibility Sam was
back in North Carolina and I didn’t want him to come after me. I
also didn’t want to be in Indiana thinking he’d come after me when
he wouldn’t. He had called in the time I’d been away; he’d done it
three times. All three times, I’d let it go to voicemail then
deleted his messages without even listening to them, knowing it
would undo me (more) if I heard his voice especially his voice
coming at me not knowing we were over. I figured, with Sam, it
would be the latter and he wouldn’t come after me. He might not
like it and I knew he cared about me enough
really
not to
like it but he’d accept my decision.