Heartless (18 page)

No, she didn’t
want to think about the past tonight. Tonight was about forging a new future,
together.

Derek laid her on
the bed and came down on top of her as he braced his weight on the arms
bracketing her head. “Are you sure about this, sweetheart? If you want to
wait…”

She reached for
the buttons running the length of her fitted black blouse. She had wasted years
pondering the repercussions of her actions, trying so hard to be the perfect
daughter, the perfect wife and mother. She’d eventually lost herself in her bid
for perfection, and she knew the one person who could help her recapture that
lost, carefree girl who used to love life was the man hovering above her,
waiting for her to give him the green light.

Instead of
responding to his question, she spread her blouse wide to reveal the gunmetal
silk and lace bra she’d selected at the lingerie shop that afternoon.

His eyes devoured
her, taking in every inch of exposed skin. “God, you’re beautiful.”

Suddenly she felt
shy and uncertain. It had been fifteen years since Derek had seen her without the
benefit of clothing, twenty-five years since they had an intimate relationship.
She didn’t have the same hard, athletic body she had back then. What if he was
used to dating younger women, women who didn’t bear the evidence of a
C-section, and…

“Stop,” he
whispered, leaning down to press his lips to the pulse point in her neck.
“Don’t question yourself, not with me. You’re more beautiful than you’ve ever
been. Bein’ here with you makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world,
baby.”

It was unnerving
that he seemed able to read her mind without so much as a hint as to what she
was thinking. Unnerving, yet somehow comforting.

Ashley reached
inside his shirt and ran her hands over the taut muscles above his waist. She
would have felt better if time had taken its toll on him, too. Instead, he
seemed to be as fit and toned as ever. “How do you stay in such great shape?”

He chuckled. “In
my line of work, you need to have a stress reliever or you’ll go crazy. Mine
just happens to be the gym.”

She was glad it
wasn’t recreational sex; though she had no doubt there had been a fair share of
women in and out of his life over the years. “Tell me something. Why didn’t you
ever marry or have kids?”

He grinned as he
pressed his arousal into her stomach. “You want to talk about this right now?
Really?”

She answered his
question by wrapping her legs around his waist. “You’re right. We’ll talk
later, much later.”

He looked into her
eyes for a split second before claiming her mouth in a hot, hungry kiss. They
were tearing at each other’s clothes before she could catch her breath.

She watched him
toss garments over his shoulder to the floor—his, hers, she couldn’t tell. It
didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was feeling him inside of her
again. “Please…” she whispered, skimming his shoulder with her teeth.

“God, I wish I
could promise this would last all night, but I want you so damn much…” He
pressed the clasp at the front of her bra before circling her peaked nipple
with his tongue.

She arched into
his mouth, silently begging him to give her more. His hands branded her at the
same time his tongue seared her sensitive skin, reminding her that he was the
one, the only one, who could make her feel this way. “Derek… I…” Before she
could find the words to express the maelstrom of sensations coursing through
her body, he robbed her of speech when he penetrated her wet core with his
fingers. “Yesss…”

Derek guided her
body like a world-class maestro leading his orchestra. He concentrated all of
his attention on the tiny bud under his fingertip, circling it slowly, lazily,
until he’d led her to the rising crescendo.

Her heart was
pounding in her ears and her throat was dry, but she knew she was bathing his
fingers with the evidence of her arousal. “Oh…” She couldn’t have stopped the
force of her release for anything. It took over her body, viciously demanding
her complete and total surrender.

“That’s it, baby,”
he murmured in her ear, holding her close as she rode out the delicious pulses
wracking her trembling body.

“Sweetheart, I
want to make you come apart like that again. But if I don’t sink inside of you
soon, I’m gonna lose it. And I sure as hell don’t want it to go down like that,
not tonight.”

His breathing was
ragged and she could feel the perspiration beading on his forehead. She knew he
was as close to the edge as he’d ever been, and she wanted, more than anything,
to be right there with him when he finally lost control. “Now,” she whispered.

He pulled the side
drawer opened and grinned. “Thank God my kid brother’s always prepared.”

She would trust
Derek with her life, and since an unplanned pregnancy was no longer a risk, the
condom wasn’t necessary. “We don’t need that… unless you want to.” She’d had
two lovers in the years since her divorce, one a retired pharmacist, ten years
her senior, and the other an accountant who needed prescription medication to
help him perform.

“Sweetheart, I
always use protection. It doesn’t make sense to take that kind of risk.”

She forced a smile
even though it hurt to be classified in the same category as his other lovers.
“Of course.”

Derek set the
package down on the bedside table and lowered his body over hers, careful to
bear the burden of his own weight so as not to hurt her. He brushed her hair
off her face. “We have a lot of decisions to make before we talk any more about
the future, right?”

She felt the panic
bubbling up in her throat. What was he talking about? Was he having second
thoughts about them, or was he asking her for more than she’d ever be able to
give him?

“The condom is for
your protection, not mine. I’ve always been careful, but I would never want to
put you in a situation you weren’t ready for.”

Oh God, he was
talking about an unplanned pregnancy. How could she possibly tell him that was
never going to happen? She knew many women her age still had healthy
pregnancies, so she wasn’t surprised Derek still felt it a viable option, but
he was so wrong.

She pushed against
his shoulders. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, when he was poised above
her with so much love and hope in those intense blue eyes. She couldn’t stand
to tell him the truth about her situation, not now, when he still saw her as a
sexy, virile woman capable of carrying his child. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

He looked stunned
by her rebuttal. “Why? Because I want to wear the goddamn condom or because I
want to take care of you?”

She closed her
eyes. He was pressing her weight into the mattress, refusing to let her run or
hide, but she couldn’t face him either. She knew he deserved to know the truth.
They couldn’t plan a future together without full disclosure, but it never even
occurred to her that he would consider a child of his own part of the plan. Of
course it made sense. Derek was a youthful, sexy man. He could easily date a
woman ten or fifteen years his junior, one who would be able to give him a
family of his own.

“No, this isn’t
your fault. It’s mine. I just…”
Don’t want to disappoint you.

“Baby, just relax.
You’re nervous; I get that.” He smiled that arresting McCall smile that made
mature, intelligent woman act like giddy teenagers. “We’ll take our time. We’ve
got all night. I’m not goin’ anywhere, and I’m not lettin’ you go anywhere
either.”

It had been a
long, long time since she made love to a man like Derek, fifteen years to be
exact, but it wasn’t her physical discomfort she was worried about. It was the
emotional fallout that would inevitably come when he learned she couldn’t give
him what he needed. She knew she should just pose the question. She should ask
him if he wanted a baby with her. If he said yes, she could tell him why it
would never happen and allow him to the opportunity to walk away now, before
they got in any deeper, but she couldn’t form the words. Her tongue felt thick
and useless in her mouth.

He dipped his
finger into her wet heat as his tongue slid into her mouth, breaking past all
of the barriers she’d been trying to erect to keep him at a safe distance. He
was wearing her down with every slip of his masterful tongue, coaxing her to
submit to his will.

She could only
moan into his mouth as he brought her closer to another climax with the barest
brush of his thumb. It was so unfair that the only man who ever made her feel
this way was the one man she could never have.

“Ash,” he
whispered, pressing kisses along her jawline. “This is what I want, all I want,
every night for the rest of my life.”

Was he saying what
he sensed she needed to hear or could she, on her own, really be enough to
satisfy him for the rest of their days? Before she could resolve her conflict,
her body silenced her mind, commanding her full attention. She felt the power
of her climax move through her. She was clenching, trembling, and crying out
his name as he continued his intimate caresses across her tender, swollen
flesh.

“Are you ready?”
he whispered, pressing his lips against her ear.

She could only
nod. The force of her orgasm robbed her of the ability to think clearly. There
was no fear or sorrow crowding her mind now, only overpowering need.

Derek reached for
the condom and made quick work of rolling it on before balancing his powerful
body above hers. “There’s no goin’ back now. Once I make love to you again,
you’re mine. I won’t let you go, ever.”

Thrill bumps
chased each other along her skin at the intensity of his words. She had no doubt
he was sincere, but would he feel the same way once she disclosed her physical
limitations?

He eased his way
into her body slowly, carefully, all the while clenching his teeth. His eyes
were closed and his head was tilted back. “Jesus, Ash, I didn’t expect it to be
like this.”

She knew she was
impossibly tight. Three years of celibacy tended to have that effect on a
woman. “It’s been a while,” she whispered, closing her eyes to hide her shame.

“How long?”

He cursed softly
and she knew her body was making it difficult for him to maintain control.

“Damn it, answer
me. How long has it been since you made love?”

She wanted to say
fifteen years, because it had been, but she knew he was referring to the
physical act of sex, so she said, “Three years.”

His eyes flew
open, burning her with their intensity. “You haven’t slept with a man in three
years?”

He sounded so
shocked by her admission that her cheeks burned hotter, prompting her to turn
her head to hide her embarrassment.

“Hey,” he said,
coming down on top of her. “Don’t do that. Don’t hide from me. I wasn’t judging
you. I was just surprised, pleasantly surprised.” He stroked her slowly,
kissing her lips tenderly. “Hell, I don’t even want to think about the last
bastard who shared your bed.”

She smiled.
“Believe me, you and he are nothing alike.”

He tilted his head
back to look her in the eye. “Oh yeah? What’s that supposed to mean?”

She loved baiting
him, but it was difficult to think of a witty response when he was filling her
so completely, treating her to the kind of erotic pleasure she’d been forcing
herself to live without. “Back in school…” She could barely get the words out
as the pleasure he was imparting moved to the forefront. His thrusts became
deeper, more demanding, and she had no choice but to follow his lead.

“I’m waiting…”

“You would have
called Al a nerd.”

He laughed. “Glad
to hear it. I sure as hell don’t want to think about some muscle-bound Greek god
doing this to you.”

She smiled as she
opened her eyes to look at him. He was the only man in the world who could
erase her fears, doubts, and insecurities with a smile. No matter what happened
between them, this man had owned a piece of her heart for the past twenty-five
years, and he’d claimed a bigger piece tonight. First when he gave her the
locket with her sons’ photos, then when he made her feel beautiful and sexy for
the first time in years.

“I love you,” he
whispered. “I love you so damn much. It scares me just to think about what you
could do to me.”

It was difficult
for her to imagine Derek, a former sharpshooter, Squad team member, and hostage
negotiator, could be afraid of anything. “I feel the same way.”

She knew he was
nearing his physical breaking point. So was she.

Derek used his
hand to coax a final climax from her as he gave in and surrendered to the force
of his own release.

Derek could sense
the shift in Ashley’s mood before they made love. Something he said or did
spooked her. He leaned over the bathroom counter, staring in the mirror, as he
tried to figure out what the hell he’d done to screw this up… again.

He tried his best
to make her feel at ease with him, to prove to her that he was in this for the
long haul, and he didn’t care how many obstacles they would have to face. To
him, she was worth it.