Heartless (14 page)

He dropped his
head in his hands. “God, I really messed up, didn’t I?”

His mother stroked
his back. “You can’t go back, Derek. You can’t change anything you did back
then, but you can be there for them now, as their friend. You can tell them
you’re sorry. You can try to explain why you did what you did. Maybe if you’re
able to heal your relationship with them, you can begin to work on your
relationship with Ashley, too.”

It occurred to him
that his mother was right. He’d been so focused on his relationship with Ashley
he hadn’t even considered making amends for what he’d done to her boys. “To
tell you the truth, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. How do you say you’re
sorry for abandonin’ two kids who counted on you?”

His mother smiled.
“Maybe you should ask Luc about that. He and Nikki managed to repair their
broken relationship, and he left her when she was just a little girl.”

“That’s different.
Luc and Nikki were flesh and blood. That gives them an unbreakable bond. The
boys and I didn’t have that.”

“Really?” She
smiled. “You were closer to those kids than most fathers and sons I’ve ever
seen. You may not have had any biological children, but you loved those kids
like they were your own. I saw it every Sunday when you’d all come out here for
dinner after church. They worshipped you, and I know you adored them. You were
more than their godfather. You were a huge part of their life.”

“I know.”

“I’ve always been
so damned proud of you,” his mother whispered. “But if there was one thing that
disappointed your daddy and me… it was the way you abandoned those kids when
they needed you the most.”

Growing up, Derek
had been on the receiving end of a well-placed slap by his mother’s hand a time
or two, but nothing hurt as much as the underlying disappointment he heard in
her voice now. “I was reelin’, Mama. I was just tryin’ to get through it, one
day at a time. I thought I was doing what was best for them and their parents.”

She shook her
head. “When you have children depending on you, you don’t have the luxury of
putting your feelings first. I know you weren’t their father, but they depended
on you and you were the one who encouraged them to trust you when you nurtured
that relationship. You let them down.”

Derek closed his
eyes as he tried to process his mother’s words. “What do you think I should do
about it now?”

She stood up
before reaching over to hug him. “That’s your decision to make, honey.”

Derek arrived at
Josh and Lexi’s home for Ashley’s birthday party knowing it may be his last
chance to establish whether he and Ashley had a prayer of having the life he
envisioned.

Josh met him at
the front door and drew him into a half hug as he shook his hand. “Can I talk
to you outside for a minute?”

Derek hadn’t
spoken to his friend since that day on the patio, and he had no idea what to
expect. “Sure.”

Once they made
their way outside, Josh turned toward Derek. “I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about
what you said. I hate that I found what I was lookin’ for in Lexi and you and
Ash still seem so lost. If I hadn’t interfered back then… if I’d just kept my
distance—”

Derek held his
hand up to halt his friend’s words. “I didn’t come here to make you feel
guilty, man. I just needed to understand how it happened, so I could figure out
where to go from here.” He raked his hands through his hair. “I love you. I love
Ash. Hell, I still love your kids, even though they can’t stand the sight of
me.”

Josh sighed. “I
just want you guys to have a shot at the happiness you deserve. Tell me how I
can help make that happen.”

Derek shrugged. “I
don’t know, man. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to undo the damage I’ve
done. But make no mistake; this is my problem, my fault, not yours.”

Josh shook his
head. “I can’t help but feel that it was my actions that set this whole thing
in motion.”

“No, I was the guy
stayin’ out all night, takin’ Ashley for granted. I should’ve realized a good
thing when I had it. I didn’t. That’s all on me.”

“So, what’re you
gonna do?”

Derek sat down and
dropped his head in his hands. “I don’t know. My first order of business is
trying to make amends with Jay and Mike. I let them down, and I can’t expect
them to accept my relationship with Ashley until I earn their trust again.”

Josh sat down
beside him and slapped him on the back. “That may take a while. Does that mean
you’ve decided to move back to Nashville?”

“I’m still
considerin’ my options. It’s a big decision, and I want to make sure it’s the
right one.”

“I can understand
that.” Josh cleared his throat. “So, you know that Ash is coming here with Bill,
right?”

Derek scowled. “Uh,
no, you failed to mention that the other day when you invited me here.”

“Apparently the
girls had lunch together today and Ashley mentioned that they were goin’ to a
concert together tonight. Lexi thought it would be the easiest way to get her
here…”

“Great.” Seeing Ashley
with another man would be almost as difficult as it had been back in college,
maybe more so, because now he knew what it felt like to live without her. “I
don’t know if I should stick around, Josh. She may not want me here, especially
if…”

Jay wandered out
onto the patio. “Dad, you mind if I have a word with Derek before the party
gets underway?”

Josh looked from
his son to his best friend and back again. “Uh, no, you go ahead. I’ll see if
Lexi needs help with anything.”

Jay claimed the
chair his father had just vacated. “So, you and my mom, huh?”

Derek didn’t know
how to respond to that statement. Jay was the more subdued of Josh’s sons. Mike
wore his emotions on his sleeve, but Jay was more guarded, more difficult to
read. Derek couldn’t decide whether he was trying to bridge the gap between
them or instigate an argument, so he decided to err on the side of caution.

“There’s nothing
going on between me and your mom, Jay.”

Jay laced his
fingers and looked out at some unseen focal point in the distance. “But that
doesn’t mean you wouldn’t like there to be, right?”

“I still care
about her, even after all these years.”

“Anyone can see
that. You love her.”

He didn’t seem
openly hostile, so Derek decided honesty was the best approach. “Does it bother
you knowin’ I still love her?”

He shrugged. “I
know it shouldn’t. We’re not little kids anymore. Dad’s moved on with Lexi, and
we’re happy for him. It’s not like we’re holding out hope that our parents will
ever get back together…”

“But?”

“I can’t speak for
Mike, but I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that you bailed on us,
man.”

Jay was giving him
an opening, and he knew he may not get another opportunity to say the things he
should have said fifteen years ago. “Listen, I know this may be too little, too
late, but leavin’ the way I did was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. I
ran, like a coward, and I’m not proud of that.”

Jay smirked. “I
never pegged you for a coward. Aside from my dad, I thought you were just about
the bravest guy I knew.” He looked Derek in the eye. “You were my hero, man.”

Derek swallowed
the lump of emotion in his throat. He never expected Jay to be so forthcoming
after everything that had gone down between them. “I know… That’s why I’m so
sorry I let you down. I feel like shit about what I did. I hurt you guys; I
hurt your old man, your mom…”

“I know you
weren’t the only one to blame. You were just the easiest target.” He covered
his mouth with his hands as he seemed to consider his next words. “It’s not
easy for a kid to acknowledge their parents’ mistakes. We wanted you to be the
scapegoat so we could let our mom off the hook.”

“I get that. You
were right to blame me.”

Jay shook his
head. “Not really, at least not entirely. You couldn’t help how you felt; I get
that now.”

Derek was
surprised and humbled that Jay seemed willing to consider forgiveness an option.
“If I could have… I would’ve walked away. I would’ve let your mom go. I just
couldn’t do it.”

“But you did…
eventually. Why?”

This was one of
the most difficult conversations he ever had in his life. There was no easy way
to explain to Ashley’s son why they betrayed his father. “I knew I passed the
point of no return that night. It was a line I swore I’d never cross, sleepin’
with another man’s wife… my best friend’s wife… It was inexcusable. I hated
myself.”

Jay looked at him
out of the corner of his eye. “Were you thinkin’ about us when you left? Did
you even consider what it might do to us?”

Derek sighed. “I
thought about you guys every damn day, about how much I missed you. I wanted to
see you or talk to you again, at least to try and explain why I had to leave. But
to tell you the truth, I wasn’t ready to face what I’d done to you and your
brother. I was a mess, kid. I couldn’t eat or sleep. The only place I was able
to function was at work, so that’s where I stayed from sunup ‘til sundown,
every damn day for the past fifteen years.”

“Seriously?”

“Leavin’ you guys
behind was killin’ me, but I wouldn’t let myself believe it might be killin’
you, too. That would be too much to take. I was already so close to the edge.
If I let myself believe that I’d hurt you guys… hell, that would’ve pushed me
right over the edge.” He sighed. “I tried tellin’ myself that you had your mama
and dad. I knew they’d always take good care of you.”

“Yeah, well it
wasn’t the same. Nothin’ was ever the same after you left. Me and Mike would
talk about you all the time. We’d wonder what we did to make you want to leave
without even sayin’ good-bye to us. We thought it was our fault.”

Derek braced his
hand on Jay’s shoulder, half expecting to be rebuffed, but Jay continued
talking.

“We didn’t know
what the hell happened between you and our mom. We didn’t know that our
parents’ marriage was fallin’ apart. We just knew that one day you, one of the
most important people in our lives, were there, and the next you were gone.”

Derek closed his
eyes as he tried to process his guilt over what his thoughtless actions had
done to those two kids. “I’m sorry. Jesus, I was so damn selfish. I was goin’
through my own personal hell, feelin’ guilty for what I did to your dad,
thinkin’ about your mom all the damn time, missin’ you guys like crazy…”

Jay shook his
head. “I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you. Mike would probably
say you deserved it, but I don’t feel that way. I know you were a good guy who
got caught up in a bad situation.” He shrugged. “It happens to the best of us.
None of us, including my self-righteous brother, are perfect.” He smiled. “But
don’t tell him that. He likes to pretend he is… perfect, that is.”

Derek and Jay
shared a rare smile, and Derek could literally feel the ice thawing beneath his
feet. “I can’t tell you how much it means that you had the courage to talk to
me about this. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

Jay shook his
head. “No, it wasn’t easy, but it was long overdue. I love my mom. I want her
to be happy. If she can find that with you, who the hell am I to stand in her
way, right?”

Derek extended his
hand, knowing full well he may be overstepping the boundaries of Jay’s civility.
“Thank you, for being man enough to confront this, so we can start to put it
behind us. I’d really like for us to be friends, Jay.”

Jay looked at his
hand a long time before accepting it. He looked Derek in the eye. “I choose my
friends carefully. I’m loyal to the people who have my back. Prove to me that
you’re worthy of my trust, that you love my mom, and you’d never hurt her. If
you can do that, then yeah, I think we can be friends.”

Derek smiled. “I
can do that. I will do that.”

Jay grinned. “You
may have made inroads with me, but my brother is still madder than hell. It may
take a long time for him to come around.”

“That’s okay. I
just decided I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

Chapter Ten

Ashley had been
putting this conversation off all night because she didn’t want to spoil the special
evening her date had planned, but cocooned in the privacy of his car on the way
to her ex-husband’s house for cake and coffee, she knew she couldn’t continue
the farce. Bill was a good man. He just wasn’t the man for her.

She winced when he
reached across the seat to grasp her hand in his. “I had a great time tonight,
Bill. Thank you.”

He brought her
hand to his lips. “It was my pleasure.”

“I… uh… have been
meaning to talk to you about something.” Despite Derek’s assumptions about her
relationship with Bill after the early morning phone call, they’d never been
intimate. She supposed that should make this conversation easier, but hurting
someone had never come easily for her.