Heartless (12 page)

Josh nodded. “I
know.” He picked up his beer bottle and clenched it in his hand. “Ash and I
were friends, just friends, the whole time you two were datin’. I never thought
of her as anything more. She was my best friend’s girlfriend and that made her
off-limits.” He smirked. “Guy code and all that bullshit, right?”

Derek rolled his
eyes. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have even thought about goin’ out with
her when we broke up.” He needed to understand his friend’s motives if they had
a prayer of letting go of the past. “I need to know… why the hell did you do it?”

“Like I said, we
were friends, good friends. She’d call the apartment lookin’ for you and we’d
start talkin’. The conversations got longer toward the end ‘cause you were
never home. Sometimes she’d stop by when you were out with the boys…”

Derek gripped the
railing behind him. He didn’t want to ask, but he needed answers. “Did anything
happen between you while we were together?”

Josh scowled. “No,
never.”

“You can’t blame
me for askin’, man.”

“No, I guess I
can’t.” Josh brought the beer bottle to his lips. “I didn’t want to fall for
her. Hell, it’s not what she wanted either. We both tried fighting it. The
first time we kissed—”

Derek held up his
hand. “I don’t need to know the details.”

Josh closed his
eyes. “We both cared about you. We knew what we were feeling was wrong, but…”

“You couldn’t help
yourselves, right?” He understood that feeling too well. He felt the same way
the night of the storm, the night he and Ashley made love and she made the
decision to end her marriage. “It’s okay. What you did was no worse than what I
did. I’ve been feelin’ like shit about it all these years, but there was a part
of me that was still bitter and resentful about what you guys did to me back in
college.”

Josh looked him in
the eye. “Don’t blame her. She didn’t owe you a damn thing. You treated her
like she was invisible long before she dumped you.”

Derek wanted to
defend himself, but he couldn’t. Josh was right. “You don’t think I know that?”

“If you want to
blame someone for what happened back then, you’re lookin’ at him. I should’ve
had the self-control to put an end to it. Hell, at the very least I could’ve
come you to before we slept together.”

Derek turned away
and braced his hands on the railing. It shouldn’t hurt this much after so many
years, but it did. Josh was the father of Ashley’s children. Logically, Derek
knew they’d made love hundreds of times during the ten years they were
together, but the thought of that first time, the night they made the decision
to be intimate, still cut the deepest.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to
lose your friendship. You were like a brother to me. When I finally asked you
if you minded, do you remember what you said?”

“Yeah. I told you
to do whatever the fuck you wanted with her.” Derek sighed. “I said I didn’t
give a shit.” By that time, he knew it was too late to stop them from falling
in love. He already saw the way Ashley looked at Josh. The same way she used to
look at him. “But you asked me about it after the fact. It was already a done
deal. You were in love with her. She was in love with you. I knew I couldn’t do
anything about it.”

“Why’d you agree
to be the best man at our weddin’, godfather to our boys…?” Josh released a
gusty sigh. “Jesus… man, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for
you.”

He turned to face
Josh again. “No, you can’t.” He folded his arms across his chest. “Those were
the happiest days of your life, but they were the most miserable of mine. I
thought…” He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t a quitter, and acknowledging how close
he came to quitting just reminded him of how lost he was back then.

“You thought…
what?”

What the hell?
He’d come this far, might as well go all the way. “The night the twins were
born, seeing how happy you two were, knowing I’d never have that for myself… I
thought about pullin’ my car into the garage, closin’ the door, and just
fallin’ asleep. I didn’t want to wake up because I knew if I did, nothin’ would
ever be the same again. You and Ashley had a bond that nothin’ and no one would
ever be able to break. You were the father of her children, the love of her
life, and I was just some guy from her past, a distant memory.”

“My God,” Josh
said, dropping his head into his hands. “I had no idea. I mean, I didn’t know
you still felt that way about her even after we were married. You never let on.
You treated her the same way you did Sierra or any of our other friend’s wives
or girlfriends.”

Derek smirked. “I
was a damn good actor, wasn’t I?”

“Better than she
was. I saw it every time she looked at you.” Josh looked him in the eye.
“Sometimes, I’d come in and she’d be standin’ at the kitchen window watchin’
you play in the pool with the boys or tossin’ the football around, and I knew
she was wishin’ that you had been the father of her children instead of me.”

Derek tipped his
head back and closed his eyes. He didn’t know which was worse, knowing your
wife was in love with another man or being that other man and being powerless
to act on it. “Man, this whole situation is so messed up.”

Josh shrugged.
“Not anymore. Now, you finally have a chance to get it right. You and Ashley
can be together. There’s nothin’ standin’ in your way anymore.”

Derek smirked. “If
only that were true. I went to Jimmy’s last night and ran into Heather.
Remember her from high school?”

“Yeah.”

“Anyways, your
boys were there. Mike took a pic of me and Heather together and emailed it to
Ashley to prove to her that I was a worthless piece of shit.”

“That little…”
Josh shook his head. “I’ll talk to him.”

“I already did,
this mornin’ at the police station. It didn’t do any good. He doesn’t want me
to be a part of his mother’s life, and Jay obviously feels the same way.”

“What about
Ashley? How does she feel?”

“She doesn’t want
to alienate her kids. I can’t blame her for that.”

Josh leaned back
in his chair. “So, where does that leave you two?”

“I’ll be damned if
I know, man.”

“Listen, Lexi and
I are havin’ a birthday party for Ash here this weekend. It’s a surprise. You
should come.”

“I don’t think
Mike and Jay would appreciate that.”

“Too damn bad.
It’s not their house or their decision. We want you here. Ashley would want you
here. What do you say? You game?”

Derek shrugged.
“Why not? What else have I got to lose?”

Chapter Eight

Three days had
passed since Derek showed up on her doorstep and Ashley was beginning to wonder
whether he’d decided to return to Arkansas without saying good-bye. She knew
Josh and Lexi would know his whereabouts, but she couldn’t bring herself to
call and ask. Instead, she wasted away the hours reading, gardening, shopping,
surfing the Internet, and cooking delicious meals for one, even though she
didn’t have the appetite to eat them.

Her sons had been
uncharacteristically quiet as well, and she knew they were still angry about
the conversation they’d overheard the day of Dave’s funeral. She wished there
was something she could do to spare them the pain of knowing their mother had
been in love with a man who wasn’t their father, but the damage was done, and
she couldn’t take it back. She didn’t even want to take it back. They weren’t
children anymore. It was time for them to accept the fact that their mother was
a woman with the same feelings and desires as other women her age.

Ashley looked in
the mirror above her bathroom sink. She was another year older today, but no
closer to the life she’d envisioned for her twilight years. Maybe this was all
she could hope to expect: a big empty bed, dinners for one, and the echo of a
near-vacant house. She couldn’t help but wonder if karma was repaying her for her
betrayal all those years ago.

The telephone in
her bedroom rang and she ran in to answer it. She’d been secretly hoping Derek would
remember her birthday, but when she saw Josh’s number flash across the screen,
she realized that was probably too much to hope for.

Trying to inject
some enthusiasm into her voice, she cleared her throat as she picked up the
cordless phone. “Hello.”

“Hiya, birthday
girl,” Lexi said.

Ashley and Lexi
had become close in recent years. It was difficult not to like a woman who’d
embraced her children as though they were her own, all the while respecting
Ashley’s role as their mother.

“Hi, Lex. How’s it
going?” She sank down on the bed and glanced out at the empty pool. The fence
remained unfinished, thanks to her errant contractor. If she were smart, she
would’ve taken Derek up on his offer to fix it the other day instead of running
him off with the mention of her
friend
.

“What are your
plans for the day? Sierra, Marisa, Avery, Nikki, and I want to take you out for
lunch.”

It was nice to
have friends who cared, though she didn’t feel much like socializing. Getting
older hardly seemed worth celebrating, especially when you were facing the
prospect of getting older all alone.

“I don’t know.
Bill’s taking me out for dinner later. He managed to get those tickets to the
Reba concert. That should be fun.” She loved Reba, but the thought of another
evening in Bill’s company after spending just a few minutes in Derek’s strong
arms was anticlimactic, to say the least.

“Listen, why don’t
we plan to have a little fun today? Just the girls. We’ll do a spa day; then
we’ll do a little shopping to help you find a killer outfit for tonight. What
do you say?”

It beat the
alternative, sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself. “Sure. Why
not?”

Lexi giggled.
“That’s the spirit. I’ll round up the girls and text you with the details in a
bit, okay?”

“Sounds good.” She
replaced the phone in its cradle. At least she had something to take her mind
off Derek for a little while.

Ashley eased her
car into a parking spot at the upscale restaurant Lexi had chosen for lunch.
They indulged in the works at the spa: manicures, pedicures, facials, massages,
hair, and make-up. Ashley had subjected her poor credit card to a rare beating
and worked up a serious appetite at the shoe boutique before they all agreed it
was finally time for a quick bite before Ashley headed home to get ready for
her date tonight.

Once the ladies
were settled at a large, round table in a semiprivate room, Lexi said, “Okay, I
can’t stand it anymore. Tell us what’s going on with Derek.”

Four pairs of
expectant eyes shifted to her, and Ashley resisted the urge to squirm in her
seat. “There’s not much to tell. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in days.”

Lexi sighed. “Why
not? Now that he’s home, I thought you two would have a chance to reconnect.”

She’d like nothing
more than to reconnect with Derek, but he seemed to have other ideas. “Jay and
Mike have been giving him a hard time. I think they scared him off.”

Avery laughed. “I
can assure you, my brother-in-law doesn’t scare that easily.”

Ashley knew Avery
was right. If he really wanted to be with her, nothing would keep him away.
Since he hadn’t made another attempt to reach out to her, she had to assume it
was because he decided it wasn’t worth the aggravation of pursuing a relationship
with her.

“We had an argument
when he found out about Bill.” She took a sip of water to coat her dry throat.
“I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Josh said he was
offered a job as chief of investigative services right here in Nashville,” Lexi
said. “Did he mention that?”

“I knew there was
an offer pending.” If he was considering a future in Nashville, that kind of
offer would seem like an irresistible lure. “Did he accept?”

“Apparently, he’s
still considering his options,” Lexi said.

Ashley tried to
suppress her disappointment. “I’m sure he’ll make the right decision.”

“Do you want him
to stay?” Sierra asked, bringing her water glass to her lips.

“I want him to do
what’s right for him.”

Marisa rolled her
eyes. “We didn’t ask for the politically correct response. We want to know
whether you still have feelings for the man.”

Sierra nudged her
sister-in-law. “Back off. If Ashley wants to confide in us, she will.”

If her friends
could help her put this situation into perspective, she was more than willing
to listen to their advice. “The truth is… I’d love for Derek to stay, but I’m
not sure that’s what he wants.”

“He wants you,”
Lexi said. “There’s no doubt in my mind about that. He’s always wanted you.”

All of her friends
knew about her history with Derek, the good, the bad, and the ugly. “I want him,
too, but we’ve been apart a lifetime. How do we know we’re even compatible
anymore?”