Heart in the Field (34 page)

           
He grabbed his jacket and left the
office.

           
Shrugging the jacket over his
shoulders, Nick pushed open the heavy fire door and took the stairs. The stairs
reminded him of Serena. He walked to his car but he didn’t want to drive
anywhere because he didn’t feel as if he were capable of driving. So he began
to walk.

•

           
Serena squared her shoulders. She
wasn’t going to cry.
Be a big brave girl
about this, sweetheart. I’ll be back.
Her
father hadn’t come back that time. And neither would Nick.

           
“You look wiped out,”
Reeva
said when Serena arrived for a scheduled meal that
evening. “Do you want a glass of wine?”

           
“A big one,” Serena told her,
sitting down in one of the cushiony armchairs and slipping off her shoes so
that they lay scattered on the thick pile rug. Her mother seemed to move around
in a fog before her eyes.

           
Reeva
handed her a glass of wine. “I imagine you’re pretty shaken up after that
fiasco on Friday night.”
Reeva
sat down in another
armchair. “I hope you stick to interviewing politicians in future. It’s much
safer.”

           
Serena sipped the drink and smiled.
“I agree.”

           
“Anyway, I’m pleased we can have
these few hours together. I was thinking about making arrangements for
Christmas.”

           
Serena didn’t even want to think
about Christmas. She had to get over the next few weeks yet. She had to face
Nick over and over until she didn’t want him anymore. “It’s a bit early.”

           
“Not really. We have more people to
include this year, with Nick. And Seth wants to join us. I was talking to the
Frasers the other day and they would be delighted to share Christmas with us.”

           
Serena couldn’t believe her ears.
She felt as if she’d woken up from a deep sleep. “You phoned Nick’s parents?”

           
“Of course.
I took their number from Maria at Thanksgiving.”

           
“So what does this mean exactly?”

           
Reeva
gave
her a sideways look. “We all have Christmas together.”

           
“Mother.
Why didn’t you check with me first? I’ve broken up with Nick.”

           
Reeva
sighed and shook her head. “Now what happened?”

           
“Nothing exactly happened, but I
can’t continue in a dead end relationship.”

           
Reeva
raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying that you got back together after
Thanksgiving?”

           
“Yes. I’m saying that.”

           
“That doesn’t appear to be a dead
end.”

           
“Well, it was. Nick’s only committed
to this show until next spring. Then he’s going back in the field. It’s crazy
for me to continue any longer. So I called it quits before I can get hurt.
We’ve killed the gossip.”

           
Her mother gave her a thoughtful
look. “You’re thinking he’s going to be like your dad, aren’t you?”

           
“Well?”

           
“Well, he’s not. He might seem like
him. But he’s not. Your father was much less controlled than Nick. Stu was
shattered by his parents’ sudden death when he was eighteen. He lived by the
seat of his pants and he drank too much and took too many drugs. Nick’s
thoughtful. Sober. And he makes careful decisions.”

           
Serena had to agree. “Okay. So he’s
a great guy. But that doesn’t mean he’s not going to leave me high and dry. In
that case, I’m out before he can destroy me.
While I’m still
in one piece.”

           
Her mother smiled. “I do admire your
strength of purpose, I have to say that. But we’re still having Nick’s Mom and
Dad for Christmas. It’s arranged. And that means Nick as well. So you’re either
going to have to make it up with him for the season or get back together.”

           
She couldn’t possibly do that. She’d
be a wreck. “I can’t.”

           
Reeva
gazed at her daughter. “I think I once drummed it into you that there is no
such word as can’t. Go tell him you love him and that you don’t want him to
go.”

           
“Mother.
I
couldn’t.”

           
Reeva
smiled. “You can. But you won’t because you have too much pride. What if he
loves you?”

           
“He doesn’t.”

           
“You don’t know that.”

           
“Mother.
If
he loved me he wouldn’t be leaving.”

           
“He hasn’t left yet. He’s not
leaving for months. He can change his mind.”

           
“You never got Dad to change his
mind.”

           
“He was different. Nick has roots
here.
His parents for one.”

           
“They’ve never been much to him.
They’re the reason he left in the first place.”

           
“Do you want to tell me about
that.
”

           
Serena explained Nick’s story.

           
“All right.
But now they are the reason he came back. Before you burn your bridges at least
confront Nick with the truth.”

           
“Why me?
Why can’t he come to me and say he loves me and won’t leave?”

           
“Because I think he might not know
how to do that.”

           
Was her mother right? Should she go
to Nick and tell him she loved him with all her heart and wanted him forever?
What if he laughed in her face, turned her down, told her she was full of it?
Could she work with him under those circumstances for another few months? She
would be glad to see the back of him if that happened. Even so, maybe she
should take her mother’s advice and at least let Nick know where he stood with
her. Right now he thought she didn’t care. At least he would understand her
reason for breaking up with him. He didn’t want her in love with him, did he?

           
She spent the entire night in agony
with these thoughts.

           
Nick came into her office the next
day and said, “You know what your mother has done?”

           
She nodded. “Yes. I do.”

           
“Is it okay with you?
In the circumstances?”

           
“No, if you want the honest truth.
But we can’t disappoint your parents.”

           
She saw his cheek throb. “I don’t
see why we can’t be civilized for one day.”

           
She ran her fingers through her hair
and looked at him. “Aren’t we being civilized now? I think we’ve done quite
well. We’ve lasted quite a few weeks, on and off.”

           
He pushed his hands into his
pockets, and let out a steamy sounding breath. “Okay. Let’s cut to the chase.
I’ve had enough of this. You’re acting like a jerk. You had one story that went
awry on you because you opened up your creative door and went for it. You had
one affair that was going great because you let yourself care. Now you’re
harnessing yourself, and you’re going to become narrow and uptight, the little
Ice Maiden you were when I met you.”

           
Serena stood up and glared at him.
“That’s not true. Number one, I was not the little Ice Maiden when you met me.
I was perfectly fine, thank you.”

           
“Except for all
your hang ups about your father and your brother.”

           
“I’ve got rid of those now, thanks
to you. I read my father’s book. I’m friends with Seth. I’m over all that.”

           
“So I did something right?”

           
“You push too hard, you know that?”

           
“I push hard when I really want
something.”

           
Serena met his glittering gaze and
realized that it wasn’t cold and she could see right through him. He was
falling apart in front of her. All sorts of feeling showed in his eyes and his
strained features. She felt the need to reach out to him, but she couldn’t make
her arm move forward. They stood staring at one another for a long, tense
moment.

           
Sensing this was the moment, she
drew in a breath. “Okay. This is how it is for me. I love you. I can’t live
without you. I know you hate that scene. Therefore, I’m cutting the cord now,
before I get any more involved, while I can still think straight, while my
world is still under my control.”

           
She heard him swallow hard. “You
mean that?” His voice was hoarse, uncontrolled.

           
“Yes. I mean it. Because I love you
I’m letting you go to be free. That’s what you want, isn’t it? That’s why you
let
Lise
Kryker
go, wasn’t
it?”

           
“I let
Lise
Kryker
go because I could never love her. Not because
she loved me.”

           
Serena raised her arms in the air.
“Whatever. That’s the situation. I’ve gone and fallen in love with you, and if
it goes on any longer I’m going to be a mess.
A huge mess.”

           
“And what about me?” he asked.

           
“You’ve had some great sex. It was
great sex.
For me anyway.”
Serena could hear her voice
breaking. If he didn’t leave her soon she would be wailing and sobbing. She
gulped down all her emotion and felt it choke her.

           
Nick took a step forward until he
was about a foot away from her. It was like that first night in her other
office, when he’d started to invade her space. He’d invaded more than her
space. He’d invaded her mind, her senses, her body, her own worth. No. Not her
own worth. He’d increased her worth. He’d made her realize her own strengths.
He’d also taught her to love a man. Wasn’t that incongruous?
A
man who never wanted to love, teaching a woman to love him.
What a crazy
world.

           
He touched her face with his palm.
“Serena.”

           
She leaned into his warm hand for a
brief moment. She knew the spell he could wrap around her.

           
“I don’t want to break up with you.
We have all sorts of good things to go for yet: Christmas, Valentine’s Day,
your birthday, Easter, my birthday—which is next July.”

           
“You’ll be gone by then.” A sob
escaped with her words.

           
“No. I won’t. I’ve decided that I
want to take a few years off and write some books. Oh, I might do some work
here at Steel for Don. I might even get offered next season’s
Neon Nights
if John
can’t come back, but I do want to write. I’ve always wanted to write. I’ve just
never put myself in one place long enough.”

           
“So you’ll just string me along
while you do these things you want to do and then you’ll leave?”

           
“I don’t think so.” He leaned over
and touched his mouth against her forehead. “Not feeling the way I do about
you. I love you so much.”

           
His words registered. Serena turned
her face to look at him and he was very close. She could see the scar, a little
more livid against his skin now that his tan was leaving with the cooler
weather. Her lips were so dry she had to moisten them with her tongue before
she spoke. “Can I trust you on that?”

           
His eyes locked with hers. “Can I
trust you? Isn’t that a risk we have to take?”

           
“It is a risk.”

           
“Then let’s take it. Because if you
leave me, I’m leaving the show and I’m going and I’m never coming home again. I
couldn’t go through the rest of the year with you here and not being with you.”

           
“You’d leave the show for me?”

           
“Darn right I would. I love you. I
want to marry you. We’ll get engaged at Christmas and plan a June wedding when
we’ve got some time off. We’ll do everything right.” He put his arms around her
and held her as if his life depended on it. “Please?”