Heart Breaths (3 page)

“Fun!” She leaned her body against my leg, and started to trace the patterns on my skirt. “Very loud.”

“Because there were so many people?” I asked, watching her little fingers follow the circles on my skirt.

“So many,” she agreed. “I’m getting chocolate milk!”

“You’re so lucky!” I said, a genuine smile spreading across my face. It was killing me slowly—but it was okay. I didn’t freeze up with Noie the way I normally did with someone her age.

“Noie!” It was the woman who had walked into the store with her. Her mom, I guessed. She looked down at Noie with a look of exasperation. “I’m really sorry, ma’am. She’s normally pretty shy around strangers. Noie, honey, apologize for bothering the lady.”

Noie? Shy? That I couldn’t believe. “No problem,” I said. “Noie and I met before, she was just coming over to say hi again. I don’t mind at all.”

“Friend!” Noie said, pointing at me and smiling. “My friend!”

“You met her before?” she asked me skeptically. I couldn’t blame her—I would be weirded out if some lady told me they had met my kid before. I guess her husband hadn’t said anything.

“I was walking by your house last night and she was in the front.” I explained. “Your husband found her after a minute.”

“My husband?” she asked, her nose crinkling.

“Noie’s dad?”

She looked confused for a minute, and then her face cleared. “Oh, Gabe.” She laughed. “I’m not Gabe’s wife. I’m his sister.”

“Auntie Sam!” Noie said, reaching over to pat her aunt’s hand.

“Oh.” Looking at her again, I noticed the resemblance—the same beautiful skin and striking features. And the same eyes.

“I didn’t see you at the barbeque last night,” she said as Noie came back over to start playing with my skirt again.

“I wasn’t there, I was just walking by the house,” I answered, taken aback at her friendliness.

“You should have come,” she said. “The more the merrier.”

“You’re the second one to invite me,” I said, gently rubbing a hand over Noie’s soft curls. “Right, Noie?” She nodded, distracted by my skirt.

“You’re new around here?” Sam asked.

“I suppose,” I said, picking up a piece of muffin.

“You don’t sound like you’re from around here.”

I smiled. You could say a lot of things about me, but confusing my accent for a Southern one was not on the list. “I’m not,” I answered, taking a sip of coffee. Wow. No wonder Café Grandma didn’t let anyone near her flavored creamers.

“So sorry, am I being too pushy?”

“No.” Okay, well, maybe she was a little bit, but for some reason, I didn’t mind. Which in and of itself was kind of strange.

“Everyone tells me I ask too many questions,” she said, leaning forward. “They call me Miss Nosy at work.”

I laughed. “I know plenty of people who would be able to beat you out of that title.”

Plenty of people. People a girl like her never should meet. She was a girl, I realized. Couldn’t have been that much older than eighteen or nineteen.

Checking the time, she bounced out of her chair. “Noie, we need to go take you home so Auntie Sam can go to work,” she said, scooping up a startled Noie into her arms. Turning to me, she flashed me a brilliant smile. “It was really nice to meet you.”

“You too,” I said, waving goodbye to Noie, who was blowing me kisses.

Turning back to my muffin and coffee, I sighed. Neither of them looked particularly appetizing anymore. It was the aftermath of dealing with people, with trying to crowd out your memories. Took any energy I had and drained me.

“You doing okay back there, darling?” Café Grandma called to me.

“Yeah,” I called back. Picking up the coffee and muffin, I brought them to the front. “Can I have this wrapped up please?” I asked. “I think I need some fresh air with the rest of my breakfast.”

Glancing down at the muffin, she looked up at me. “I think you need some appetite with the rest of your breakfast,” she said. “Give me a second, let me go get a bag for you.”

“Do you want to take lunch with you, too?” she asked. “I can pack a sandwich if you’d like, so you can go exploring to your heart’s content.”

“That would be great,” I replied. The chances of me actually eating it were small, but considering the success of yesterday’s grilled cheese, I was willing to try again.

She bustled off and I was left to stand and ponder by the counter. When had I decided to be okay with random strangers acting like they had known me my whole life? Well, except for Creepy Motel Bob and Noie’s dad… what had Sam said his name was? Gabe. Gabe hadn’t actually said anything to make me not like him, and I had been some random stranger talking to his kid.

I had no idea where I was, but there was something in the air that made me forget about who I was. That wasn’t such a bad thing.

“You going anywhere fun today, darling?” Café Grandma asked me, handing me a bag with my muffin and sandwich.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure. Do you have anything you recommend doing?”

She pursed her lips in thought. “There’s always the beach,” she said. “That never gets old. But it’s a bit chilly outside, and we wouldn’t want you to catch anything. But if you wanted to do something more historical, you can drive over to Fort Raleigh.”

“Fort Raleigh?”

“You got some time?” she asked.

I had all the time in the world.

“Yeah—why?”

“It’s a bit of a story,” she replied. “Just warning you, darling, my husband was a history teacher. So you’re going to get the history teacher version of this.”

I smiled and leaned against the counter. “I’m ready.”

“Fort Raleigh was built by English settlers in 1587, led by John White. This group of colonists had been there for around two years when their relationship with the Native American tribes nearby started to get complicated. Governor White and a few of his men went back to England to try to get some help from the people there. But England was still at war with Spain, which meant that they were pushed all the way down the priority list to the bottom, and the chances of someone funding their trip back were about the same as hell freezin’ over. Three years later, White finally was able to find a boat to drop him off in North Carolina, but when he came back, the entire colony had disappeared.”

“What do you mean, it disappeared?” I asked, curious. I always had been a sucker for a good mystery. “Like, they all died?”

“Nobody knows,” she said. “When he came back, the entire settlement was gone. It looked like it was dismantled and taken apart. All they found was the word Croatoan, carved onto a post on the fort, and ‘Cro’ carved on a tree. White assumed that they moved to Croatoan Island, which is called Hatteras now. He was all ready to go on over there and look for them, but the weather didn’t care about his feelings.” She laughed. “Then again, the weather never really does around these parts. But a big storm was coming, and the captain of the ship refused to stay and look for them. So they kept sailing without going to look anywhere else. A few years later, Raleigh came back to look for his colony, but it was too late. They couldn’t find them.”

“They couldn’t find them?” I repeated.

She nodded. “There are all sorts of theories as to what happened with the colonists. But since then, nobody has been able to find out what happened. People call them the Lost Colony.”

“Is it far from here?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.

“No, not that far at all.” Rummaging around under the counter, she pulled out a brochure advertising the fort. “There’s a map on the back of this.” Opening it up, she pointed to a spot on the map. “We’re here, and so all you have to do is follow this road to here, and then take the ferry here, and then follow that road. There should be signs for it once you hit about here. It’s not hard to find.”

“Great,” I said, taking the map and tucking it into my bag. “Thanks so much…” I trailed off, realizing I didn’t know her name.

“Evelyn,” she said. “But everyone around here calls me Grandma.”

“Grandma Evelyn.”

“My pleasure, Maddie,” she responded. “Will I be seeing you again at dinner time?”

I shrugged. “I guess that depends on how long I decide to stay over at Fort Raleigh, I think,” I said, confused with my lack of freaking out over the whole exchange.

She barely knew me, and she was treating me like, well, her granddaughter.

Shaking my head, I walked back toward my car, and headed toward Fort Raleigh.

Grandma Evelyn was right—getting there wasn’t that hard at all. It was different, driving through during the day—the roads were not nearly as ominous, and the view was gorgeous. I drove through a few small towns before reaching the main highway. Turning back onto the highway was a little surreal—suddenly there were more than a grand total of five cars on the road. I wasn’t going to freak out. There were no trucks, and I was going to be okay driving. I was. I was.

The ferry ride to the island was strangely soothing, and was a first for me. The Staten Island Ferry wasn’t exactly the same kind of experience. Resisting the urge to go stand at the edge of the ferry and feel the wind blow, I sat in my car with the windows rolled down, watching the men who worked on the ferry chat with people in different cars.

There was something homey about North Carolina. And now I knew where I was.

It didn’t terrify me nearly as much as I thought it would, the knowing where I was. Maybe most of my memories were all still languishing somewhere around Delaware, not having made their way down here yet. I took a deep breath of ocean air. Maybe they’d get lost on their way trying to find me.

I could always hope.

Driving through Roanoke, I was struck by how much bigger it was than Eno. After all the little beach towns I had driven through, to be back in a regular suburb was a little startling. Following the signs, I was soon behind a school bus, driving down the main road toward Fort Raleigh. Pulling into the parking lot, I maneuvered into a spot and turned off the car. Taking a deep breath, I got out of the car and leaned against the side. I had survived another drive. I was okay. Clutching my bag, I walked toward the building.

I wasn’t quite sure what I had been expecting Fort Raleigh to look like.

Maybe a fort.

Instead, it was a small building with only two rooms dedicated to the museum. The rest of the building was taken up by the gift shop and a small movie theater.

Twenty five minutes later, I walked out of the little movie theater, blinking as my eyes adjusted to the light. The building was silent, the only sounds were the occasional rustling of paper from the front desk. Walking through the rooms, I read about all the various theories of what happened.

How could people just disappear? “The memorial is outside in the back, if you’d like to go back there,” the park ranger said, interrupting me from my thoughts. “It’s a short walk away from here—just follow the arrows.”

“Thanks,” I said, tearing my eyes away from the exhibit and walking toward the door.

Retracing my steps back to the car, I grabbed my lunch before heading toward the memorial. The entire place was silent—almost as if it knew that it wasn’t a place to be loud. Like it was waiting for the colonists to come back from wherever they had disappeared.

A weathered piece of stone had all the names of the Colony carved into it. Reaching over, I started to trace them softly. Men. Women. Children.

And there was the name of Governor White’s daughter. His son in law, and his granddaughter.

How did he live with himself, knowing that he let them all down by leaving? That he didn’t come back fast enough to save them from whatever it was that took them away, or whatever made them leave? I sank down in the grass near the fence that had been put up—a reconstruction of the abandoned fort he found when he came back.

Just a carving on a post, and a half-finished word on a tree. That was all that was left.

Sometimes, I wished that all I had left was a carving on a fence post. Instead I had the scars of my mistakes, and nightmares that haunted me while I was awake.

Chapter · Three

I stayed at Fort Raleigh until the sun went down—sitting there, by the memorial, just letting myself wonder about someone else’s tragedy. But no tragedy ever happened in a bubble—it rippled out and affected people who didn’t have anything to do with it. Who didn’t live anywhere near it, geographically or chronologically.

Because there I was, four-hundred-odd years later, mourning the loss of people I never met, and hadn’t known about until earlier that day. Picking up the remains of my sandwich, I tossed them into the trash and headed back to my car, feeling a certain sense of… it wasn’t relief.

It was understanding.

As if the land itself saw me and said, “We know, Maddie. We were there, too.”

The drive back to the motel passed by in a blur. Avoiding the office, I walked directly toward my room, hoping that I wasn’t going to bump into anyone.

“Maddie.”

As usual, all my hopes were dashed.

“Hi, Bob,” I said, clutching my bag against me, wishing I could be very firmly locked on the other side of the door.

“You’re looking real pretty tonight, Miss Maddie,” he said, staggering slightly as he walked over to me.

Great. And he was drunk, too, from the look of it.

“Thanks, Bob,” I said, backing slowly toward the door, fumbling in my purse for the room key. A horrible realization struck as I inched away from Bob. He probably had his own copy of my room key. My legs started to shake, and I leaned against the wall, weak. One chair blocking the door might not be enough to sleep tonight.

Bob reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me toward him. “We should spend more time together,” he slurred, his hot, alcohol-laden breath wafting toward me, causing me to shrink back.

“Maybe tomorrow,” I said, struggling to get out of his ironclad grip. For a drunk guy, his grip was scarily tight. “I’m kind of busy right now.”

“Well, you aren’t here with anyone—I’m sure you’re getting lonely.” Letting his eyes run up and down my trembling body, he looked back at my face, and licked his lips.

Actually licked them.

“I know I get lonely sometimes.”

“I’m not lonely,” I argued, using my full weight to shove out of his arms. “I’m fine, okay? And I’d like it if you let me go.”

“Is there a problem here?” I turned my head to see what looked like a small army tank of a man walking over. I swallowed hard. That was just what I needed—another moron to join the “harass Maddie” party that I seemed to have been invited to without knowing.

“I was just going to my room, and Bob was letting go of my arms so I could,” I said between my teeth, still struggling to get out of his grip.

The guy turned to Bob. “Let go of her,” he said in a tone that brooked no arguments.

Bob quickly dropped his hands and stepped back. “Calm down, Chuck,” he said, slurring his words a little bit more. “Errrything’s okay here.”

So this was Chuck the sex god from next door? I looked him up and down. After getting over the fact that he was around the size of a small house, I noticed his face. There was no way that Chuck was older than I was—probably just out of high school.

“Great. Then I’ll just walk her to her room,” he said. Turning to me, he held out a hand. “I can carry those bags for you, ma’am.”

Ma’am. Like I wasn’t maybe three years older than him.

“Thanks, but I’ve got them.” I smiled up at him. Falling into step beside him, I walked toward my motel room door. “It looks like we’re neighbors,” I said as he stopped at the door next to mine.

“There you are, baby,” a sweet voice said. I knew that voice—she had kept me awake for the past two nights. Out of the room walked what looked like a fairy. Petite and delicate, she looked like a little china doll next to Chuck.

Going on her tiptoes, she pressed a kiss against the side of his mouth. “I was wondering where you had gone,” she said, her voice molasses-smooth.

“I told you I had to go pick up some supplies,” he said, handing her a shopping bag. “And I met our neighbor here on my way back.”

She turned to smile at me, and stuck out a dainty hand. “Hi there,” she said. “I’m Amelia, and this here is my husband, Chuck.”

“Maddie,” I responded, shaking her hand gently. So they were married. And honeymooning in Bob’s Creepy Motel?

“It’s so nice to have a neighbor, even if it’s only for a few nights,” she said, smiling. “Although Bob said it will start getting crowded again in a few months, for the summer.”

“Have you been here a while?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Oh, for two weeks or so. Bob’s hired the two of us to help out around here, and it came with free room. This is our honeymoon of sorts.”

It was both adorably sweet and incredibly odd at the same time—but if that was what you could afford for a honeymoon, it was a great deal. I hoped that their room was a little nicer than mine.

But then, it didn’t seem that they were sleeping too much for it to make a difference.

“Well, congratulations,” I said. “You both look very happy.” And sound that way, too, I added to myself.

“Thank you,” Chuck said, reaching to pull Amelia into his arms. “We best be going now. Is everything okay?”

Going meant out, right? God, I hoped so. I was never going to get any sleep at this rate. “Everything’s great. Thanks again, Chuck.” I opened my door. “Have a nice night.”

Closing the door behind me, I dragged the side table to the door. I wasn’t trusting just the chair to do the job this time. And if Bob decided to come and visit, there was no guarantee that Chuck would be around to save me again.

The room next door was still quiet. Crawling into bed, I clutched a pillow in my hands as I fought the demons of my past and tried to fall asleep.

Don’t find me, please, I prayed soundlessly to the memories that haunted me. I don’t know if I can live with you anymore.

”It’s all her fault, anyway.”

“You can’t say something like that about Maddie! It wasn’t her fault. Accidents happen.”

“This wasn’t an accident—this was sheer stupidity. You murderous bitch.”

“Leave her alone! Don’t you think this hurts her, too?”

“You killed them! You killed them, you horrible bitch! Get out of my house!”

I shot up in bed, struggling to free myself from the twisted sheets covered in my sweat and heartbreak.

Their voices haunted me. I could barely stand. I don’t know how I got out of there, with their voices echoing through my bones. I didn’t remember how to breathe. But I didn’t know if I wanted to, either.

How many times would I have to go through this? I thought I was over it, but the betrayal triggered everything again. I had to relive it every day—with every pitying glance, with every deliberate caress…

This is why you left, Maddie
, I told myself fiercely.

This is why you had to get out of there.

It seemed that no matter how hard I had tried to escape my memories, they followed me here. The sounds of Chuck and Amelia started again, and I flopped back down on the bed. It was four-fifteen in the morning. I couldn’t stay here anymore.

I changed into something other than pajamas, and repacked my bags. Hoping nobody would wake up from the noise, I moved all the furniture back to where it belonged. There was no way I was going to get a good night’s sleep now.

Climbing into the car, I fumbled and turned on the engine. I headed toward the center of town, my headlights almost the only light guiding me. Nothing was open, and nobody was out. I clicked on my turn signal, even though there was nobody to signal to, and drove down toward the beach. Stumbling out of the car, I walked until I collapsed into the cool sand. Maybe the ocean would be enough to help me fight my demons until the sun came up.

“We’ll go to the beach, Mads. Family vacation.”

“Which beach? Coney Island?”

“No, silly. We’ll go down somewhere where the water is actually warm.”

“And stay in a beach house?”

“Of course,” he said, smiling down at me and rubbing my swollen belly. “What would a summer vacation be without a beach house?”

We never made it to the beach house by the ocean.

Reaching down, I grabbed a handful of sand and let it sift through my fingers. It had been three years. And now I was at the beach without them.

“I’m here now,” I whispered to the wind. “Tell me what I should do now, Ravi. Tell me how to put myself back together again.”

But there was no answer.

There never was.

Lying back in the sand, I stared up at the star-filled sky, and wondered if I would ever be okay again.

“Uh, miss?”

“Daddy, it’s friend!”

“Noie, she’s sleeping. Miss, are you okay?”

I opened my eyes to see a startling green pair looking down at me. “Are you okay?” he asked again, looking concerned. And like he had just rolled out of bed. Was I dreaming? Because dreaming about him was a welcome change from the usual nightmares I had. Those never had guys who looked like a darker version of Thor. Which was a shame. Thor dreams didn’t end with me waking up screaming.

“I’m fine,” I said, struggling to sit up. He crouched down and offered me a hand. I took it and felt my nerves explode in awareness. There was no way this was a dream. I hoped it wasn’t. “What time is it?”

“Around six-thirty.” He was still holding my hand.

The sun was leisurely making its way into the sky, startlingly different than the darkness I had driven through a few hours before. I must have fallen asleep. Snap out of it, Maddie. “I’m fine, thanks.” I repeated. Reluctantly letting go of his hand, I made a show of brushing the sand off my shirt so he wouldn’t notice my hand was trembling. “Am I trespassing or anything?”

“No, but you were sleeping on a public beach.” He eyed me warily as Noie bounced around, a little too hyper for six-thirty in the morning.

“I’m fine,” I repeated, again. “I was only sleeping for a few minutes.” If by a few minutes you meant two hours. Whatever. From the expression on his face, that probably wasn’t the right answer.

“Friend!” Noie said as she bounced over to me.

I smiled, shaky. “Hi, Noie.”

Gabe gave me one last look. “Come on, Noie, back to the house,” he said.

Noie scowled up at him. “No, Daddy, want to stay here!” she protested, crossing her arms and looking adorably stubborn.

“Noie, in the house. We’ve been outside long enough this morning, and you haven’t eaten breakfast yet,” he said, clearly used to her stubbornness.

“Want to play with Devi,” she said. “And she doesn’t want to come inside.”

Gabe ran his hand through his hair, exasperated. “Honey, Devi will come inside later, okay?”

Devi.

The blood drained from my face. “Devi?” I asked, hearing my voice tremble.

“Her imaginary friend,” he explained. “Come on, Noie, in the house.”

Noie scrunched up her face, and looked at me seriously. “Devi stays with you now.” With that, she reached her hands up to her father, who picked her up.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asked, looking down at me.