Heart Breaths (7 page)

I stood there, shocked at his honesty.

“It’s not just me,” he said, reaching and taking one of my hands. “It can’t be.”

It wasn’t. God, it wasn’t. But it couldn’t mean anything. I couldn’t let it. I didn’t have it in me to survive if something happened.

“I can’t do this,” I whispered, voice shaking.

“And you think I can?” he asked. “You think this is any easier for me?” His eyes were haunted.

“Probably,” I said. Slowly withdrawing my hand from his, I looked up at his face one more time. “I have to go,” I turned to walk toward my car.

Leaving him standing behind me.

Again.

“You okay there, darling?” Grandma asked as I came into the kitchen that afternoon to help her close the café.

“A little better,” I said, gathering the menus into a neat stack.

“I was worried about you before,” she scolded as she swept the floor. “You’re working too hard, Maddie.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, contrite. It had been a change, getting used to people being concerned about me again. It had been a while.

“Walk with me after we finish cleaning up in here, okay?” she asked.

“Sure,” I said, stacking the chairs and straightening pillows.

Locking the doors, Grandma turned to me. “Let’s walk toward the beach,” she said. “It’s always easier to think over there.”

The walk to the beach was silent, broken only by saying hi to a few other people out walking. “Maddie, darling, I know this isn’t any of my business,” she began as we began the walk down the boardwalk. “And if I’m being too nosy, just let me know, okay?”

I nodded uneasily.

“Something happened to you before you came here, I know that. Something bad. I don’t know what happened to you, sugar, to make your eyes look like they’ve been through a war. But you can’t live in the shadow of your misery forever.”

“I know,” I whispered. “I know.”

“Honey, can I tell you a story?” I nodded. “When my James died, I thought the whole world would end. I could barely stand to get out of bed in the mornings. It didn’t seem fair that the whole world was moving right along with their day when I was sitting there, not knowing if I would able to put a smile on my face again.” She shuddered. “I hope with everything I have that I never sink to a place like that again, Maddie. It’s a dark place, mourning for someone you love. But after a while, I realized something. That if James was there, watching me carry on and mope like I was, he would be pissed. The same way I would be furious if our positions were reversed.”

She looked at me, her eyes calm and filled with understanding. “I’m not asking you to tell me what happened, darling. But I’m asking you to realize that if you’re not careful, you’ll choke yourself in misery.”

Tears start rolling down my cheeks. Was I ever going to stop crying?

“It happened three years ago,” I whispered. “It’s been three years, and I thought I was over it. I thought I was finished crying. I started to try to move on, and not just hide myself away from feeling anything. I tried—and I thought I was doing a good job… and then anyone I had left betrayed me.”

That was all I could say. Reliving the past three years was something I had been doing nightly. I didn’t want to have to relive it out loud, too.

Grandma reached over and took my hand, squeezing it gently. “Did you cry three years ago, Maddie?” she asked.

I shook my head.

I wasn’t able to cry then. They didn’t let me.

“That’s why, baby doll,” she said. “Tears for something like that don’t just go away because you think you don’t need to shed them. They’ve got to come out—and you’ve been pushing them off and pushing them off. You have to let them go.”

Pulling out a handkerchief from her pocket, she handed it to me. “Let yourself feel again,” she said. “It’s going to be hard. There are going to be things that will make you ask yourself why you bothered trying to keep going. But you’ve got your whole life left to live, love. Don’t waste it wishing it would have turned out differently.”

She stopped walking. “Do you want to come in?” We had stopped in front of a small little beach house. Her house.

I shook my head. “No thanks,” I said. “I think I’ll go back to the apartment.”

“I have the number for someone if you need,” she said, reaching over and patting my cheek. “Just ask me when you feel ready, okay?”

I nodded. “Thanks, Grandma,” I whispered.

She smiled softly at me before turning and walking into her house.

The walk back to the café was a long one. She was right, I knew that. But letting go of the pain that had been crippling me for years was a lot easier said than done.

Let yourself feel again, she said.

She’s right, I heard Ravi whisper. Open your heart back up, Maddie-girl.

I had started before at Fort Raleigh, finding the stones for Ravi and Devi. It had hurt so much… almost as much as it did when it had happened. But a small part of me felt comforted. Closing my eyes, I reached down into the depths of my soul, looking for the courage I had hidden there three years ago.

The least I could do now was try.

Chapter · Eight

I woke up the next morning, shaky but willing to try. If not for me, but for Devi. For Ravi. For the person who I once was.

“Maddie!” Sam called, bouncing into the café. “You weren’t here yesterday—you feeling okay?”

I smiled. “Yeah, I was a little under the weather,” I said, pouring her cup of coffee and taking out a muffin for her. “You miss me?” I teased.

“You know I did.” She leaned over and flicked the ends of my ponytail. “Please, please, please can I at least give you a small little trim?” She fluttered her eyelashes. “Pretty pretty please?”

“Fine,” I said, watching her squeal in delight. “Two conditions, though.”

She watched me, tapping her fingers on the counter. “I’m waiting on bated breath here, darlin’,” she drawled.

“Not too much of a trim, and I want a highlight.”

“One highlight?” she asked, confused.

“One,” I said. “I’ll show you when I come over.” Suddenly, I had another thought. “What’s Noie doing today?”

“She’s hanging out with my mom,” Sam said. “Why?”

“Would your mom mind if we borrowed her for a little bit?” I asked, biting my lip nervously.

“You going to use my niece as a security blanket?” she teased.

Yes.

“No,” I said. “I just thought she’d like having a little makeover also. My treat.”

Sam’s eyes softened. “I think she’ll love it,” she said, beaming. Reaching over the counter, she wrapped me in an impulsive hug. “I’m so happy you’re here,” she said. “And I can’t wait until this afternoon.”

“Good for you, darling,” Grandma said as Sam practically bounced out the door of the café.

“It’s terrifying.”

“Of course it is, honey,” she answered, handing me a piece of cake. “Now, try this cake and tell me what it’s missing. I can’t figure it out at all.”

Noie was watching from the window of the salon when I got there. “Maddie!” she yelled as I walked in. “Auntie Sam says we have girls’ day!”

“That we are,” I said.

Sam waved from the back of the salon, and beckoned us to join her. “I don’t know how she’s going to react to someone else working on her,” she whispered. “That’s why I haven’t done this with her yet.” Her face looked troubled.

I turned to Noie, who was watching the two of us curiously. Bending down, I looked at her serious green eyes. “Noie, since there are so many things that we’re going to do for our girl’s day, Auntie Sam might need one of the other ladies here to help.”

Her eyes widened with fear and she shook her head. “Don’t want anyone but Auntie Sam,” she said, her lower lip trembling.

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“How about if you sat on my lap?” I asked her. “Then I could hold you when one of the ladies puts pink nail polish on your fingers and toes?”

I could see the internal battle playing across her little face. The terror of strangers or having pink nail polish.

“We could try just one toe as an experiment,” I said.

“A ’speriment?” she asked, looking worriedly from me to Sam. I nodded.

“If you don’t like it, we could stop, okay?”

She took a deep breath. “’Kay.”

Reaching over, I hugged her to me, feeling her little hands pat my hair. “We’re going to be brave together, okay?” I whispered.

“Okay,” she whispered back.

Straightening up, I walked over to the shampooing sink where Sam was waiting.

“You’re magic,” she whispered, looking down at Noie in awe.

I shrugged. “Not yet I’m not,” I whispered back.

“Noie, do you want to come help me wash Maddie’s hair?” she asked, pulling a little step stool out from behind the sink.

“Is her hair dirty?” Noie asked, clambering up on the step stool and looking at my hair fanned out in the sink. “It looks clean.”

Sam laughed. “No, it’s not dirty, but we’re going to make it extra clean,” she said, turning on the faucet. Helping Noie hold the hose and wet my hair, she looked at me. “You’re going to have to explain this one highlight thing to me so I can prep the color,” she said.

We’re going to be brave together, Noie and I. And I was going to wash out any slime from my family. “I want one big pink highlight,” I said.

Sam’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

“Really,” I said. “It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for years, but never did.”

“Well, then today is your lucky day,” she said. “Because you will be greeting me tomorrow with my coffee and a fabulous new pink highlight.”

“Pink?” Noie asked.

Sam nodded. “We’re going to make some of Maddie’s hair pink.” Noie started giggling uncontrollably. Apparently, pink hair was hilarious.

Well, it kind of was.

That was part of the point.

“I want a pink hair!” she said.

“You’re going to have to ask your Daddy about that one,” I said, imagining Gabe’s expression if his little girl came home with a bright pink streak of hair.

“Maybe next time,” she said as she settled on to my lap while Sam brushed out my hair.

“Really not so much off the ends,” I said.

“Don’t worry, I won’t give you a bob,” Sam said brushing through my hair.

I swallowed hard at the thought. “Don’t even think about it.”

“Calm down, just a trim before the pinkifying,” she said, and began humming along to the music playing along in the background.

“When are we making my nails pink?” Noie asked as she watched Sam brush my hair in the mirror.

“After we put the pink in Maddie’s hair,” she said.

“
Now
is my turn?” Noie asked as Sam finished pinning up my hair.

“Now is your turn,” she said. Standing up, we walked toward the manicure tables. Noie’s eyes widened as I sat down at the table in front of Jessica, an older Hispanic lady.

“You’re going to sit on my lap the whole time, honey,” I said to her quietly, feeling her tremble. “I’m going to hold you the whole time, okay? If you get scared, I want you to tell me.”

“I’m scared now, Maddie.”

Truth time.

“I was scared when Sam cut my hair, too,” I whispered back. “But that’s why you sat with me, right? So we can be brave together.”

She squeezed my hand. “And Devi is here to be brave with us, too.”

A chill raced down my spine and a breath of soft wind over my back. She was there. The question was, how did Noie know that?

“Hi, Noie,” Jessica said.

Noie stiffened in her chair. “Hi,” she whispered back, leaning her back into my chest.

“Sam told me that you like the color pink.” Jessica said quietly. “Do you want me to put some pink nail polish on your fingernails?”

Noie nodded slowly, and stretched out one little hand. A rush of pride came over me as she sat there, her little hand trembling. But she was being brave with me.

I could see Sam’s eyes sparkling with unshed tears, and I knew that my eyes were also full. Jessica carefully painted Noie’s little nails, one at a time, keeping a steady stream of soft conversation going, telling Noie about how pretty her nails were going to look when she was done, and all about being a manicurist.

Noie was quiet while Jessica talked, and would occasionally look up at me and whisper a question to ask Jessica, still not wanting to talk to her. My heart was exploding with pride when Noie wiggled off my lap to follow Jessica to the dryer.

“Sit with me, Maddie,” she said, enraptured by her newly polished nails.

“Five more minutes,” Sam said.

Sliding into the chair next to Noie, I sat there, letting her chatter on about her pink nails. “Devi also wants pink nails,” she said to me.

We were going to have to talk about this sooner or later. I had to figure this one out before I went crazy asking myself impossible questions.

“Who’s Devi?”

“She’s my friend,” Noie said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world. “But not everyone can see her.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging. “But she’s my friend.”

“Does she also know the bedtime song?” I asked her gently.

“She sang me the bedtime song,” she told me. “And I taught it to Daddy.”

I sucked in a breath as all the blood left my face.

“Time to wash out your hair,” Sam called. Shaking myself out of my shock, I stood up and followed her to the shampooing stations. “You okay there, Maddie?” she asked as I sat down slowly.

“Fine,” I lied.

“Look, Auntie Sam!” Noie was thrilled at her nails. “Pink nails, Auntie Sam! Pink nails!”

“And soon Maddie is going to have pink hair,” Sam said, unwrapping my hair. “Then you’re going to match.”

The blow drier turned off. “And now for the big reveal,” Sam drawled, looking at me. “And you look fabulous, if I say so myself.”

“Pink hairs are on your head, Maddie!” Noie giggled, still confused about the whole dyeing process.

“Should I look at them?” I asked her, suddenly hit by a fit of nerves. What if this wasn’t a good idea? What if I looked stupid?

“So pretty!” she said, bouncing. “Pink hairs are pretty!”

“Pink, Mama! Pink!” Devi bounced in her stroller, pointing at the display window.

“It’s pink,” I agreed, stopping so she could look.

“So pretty!” She reached out to try to touch the window. She looked up at me. “Want pink, like the lady.”

The mannequin in the display window had gloriously pink hair—long and flowing. If Rapunzel would have rebelled and dyed her hair pink, she would have looked just like that. “You want pink in your hair?” I asked Devi, crouching down next to her so we could see the display windows with the same view.

“Pink hair!” she giggled, clapping her hands happily. “Want pink hair!”

I had also wanted pink hair, but my mother had never let me. It would have embarrassed her.

Everything about me had embarrassed her. Nothing I had ever done was good enough for her. I shook my head, trying to shake off the memories. I wasn’t going to be like her. “How about we put some pink in your hair on your birthday?”

Her big purple eyes widened. “When I turn free?”

“When you turn three, baby.”

“Mama also get pink hair,” she said as we continued down the block.

“We’ll be matching,” I said, smiling at the thought of finally adding a pink streak to my hair.

There never was a third birthday party.

I shuddered at the memory.

The chair turned, and there it was.

My mother’s nightmare and my dream since I was fourteen. My dark, wavy hair, with a chunk of shocking pink. It was everything I had always wanted it to be, and everything Devi would have wanted, too. “I love it,” I whispered, feeling myself choke up. “It’s perfect, Sam.”

“It’s pink hair!” Noie sang, bouncing up and down on my lap. “Pink hair!”

Sam’s eyes met mine in the mirror. “My pleasure,” she said. “And not to rub it in your face or anything, Maddie?”

“Yeah?”

“I told you so!” she crowed, giggling.

I started to laugh, feeling like she had cut pounds of hair off instead of less than an inch. “You did,” I said.