Healed (29 page)

Then memories of the last time I’d seen him came rushing to the surface of my mind. Almost as if he’d burned me, I ripped my arm out of his grasp and retreated, hugging my torso tight.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, my tone defensive.

He was looking down at the mattress where his hand had fallen and his voice was low as he said, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“It’s been seven months. What could you possibly want now?” I tried to hide the hurt in my voice but it was damn near impossible.

“Baby, I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Please come sit with me so we can talk.” He reached his hand out to me.

“Don’t.” Leaning out of his reach, I pulled my knees up to my chest and curled my arms around them.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Not wanting to give away how much him being there was making me want to cry, I shrugged and prayed the tears stayed away. “It’s okay. You did what you had to do.”

“No, I didn’t,” he said, clenching his jaw.

“I understand.”

The next thing I knew, Andrew’s hands were wrapped around my arms, shaking me.

“Em,” he yelled. “Scream, fight, yell at me. Whatever. Don’t just sit here and be meek. It’s not you!”

Just like that, the tears started to fall, my body shaking as I remembered all the sleepless nights, the pain that burrowed deep into my chest whenever I’d thought of what we were supposed to have been, all of it too great to allow me a good night’s rest. Andrew pulled me into his arms and held me. “Please, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.”

Something about that statement set my body on fire, the sobs turning to trembles as my hands clenched and unclenched. The blood pounded in my ears and I shoved Andrew away from me, backing quickly off the bed.

“Who the hell do you think you are?”

He jumped up, stepping out of my reach. Step for step, I stalked him. “You walk away from me, tell me that you want to forget everything we were to each other,” I snarled. When his back hit the door, he quickly opened it, continuing to back away from me. “And now you think you get to waltz back in here to ‘talk’?” I said, using those cheesy air quotes.

He backed up all the way into the living room. Our friends were all still there, staring, the girls wearing wide smiles while the guys winced every time I yelled.

Eventually he ran into the couch and had nowhere else to go. Jabbing my finger into his chest I continued my tirade, too pissed to care about who was listening. “I’m not sure there is anything to
talk
about. You’ve made it quite clear that you want nothing to do with me, and I’ve done a damn good job of putting my life back together. You have no right to come in here and try and fuck my whole world up again—just like you had no right to interrupt my dance with Chase tonight. You don’t love me, and I can’t continue to sit around feeling sorry for myself.” My heart was ready to pound out of my chest as I heaved out every breath.

Andrew dropped to his knees, wetness seeping from his eyes. “I do love you.”

“Well, apparently, love wasn’t enough, asshole.” The heat in my voice continued to rise.

“It was. I was so afraid that if I let myself love you, at some point it would all be ripped away and I’d be left without the other half of my soul.”

That stopped me in my tracks and sent my blood racing. “You think I’m the other half of your soul?”

Spinning on my heel, I stormed back to the bedroom to grab exactly what I needed for this conversation. My hands were shaking, the blood roaring in my ears as I marched back to the living room. Andrew was still on his knees, watching me. Without letting myself get close enough, I threw the tickets to Puerto Rico and my engagement ring at him.

“Here’s what’s left of the other half of your soul, you bastard. I loved you, and you threw me away like it was the easiest thing in the world. You took the comfort that I offered you and tossed it back in my face. I begged you, fucking
begged
. And you have the nerve to sit there and tell me you
love
me. Well, you’re too fucking late, buddy. I will
never
let you hurt me again. I’m finally moving on with my life and I’m going to do it without you. Fuck you. We’re done, so I believe it’s time for you to leave.”

I turned back toward the hallway. “Good-bye, Andrew,” I said, my back to him as I walked down the hall to my bedroom. Slamming the door, I made sure to turn and lock it. There was no way I was going to let him in again. He’d had his say, and I’d had mine. My head was spinning. I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my head between my knees. Had I actually told Andrew to go fuck himself?

After seven months of pain, he walks through the door and expects me to jump back into his arms because he tells me he loves me? I’d lied when I said I didn’t love him. No matter how badly he’d hurt me, I would always love him. It wasn’t about love though. It was about my ability to trust him with my heart. He’d already torn it to shreds once and I didn’t think I’d be able to survive it again. I was barely surviving now.

There was a soft knock on the door. I was praying that it wasn’t him.

“Em, it’s me.” Angie’s voice filtered through. “Let me in.”

With a sigh, I stood up and went over to unlock the door. Angie stepped inside and immediately shut the door behind her.

“How are you holding up?” she asked.

“I’ve been better,” I said, flopping back down onto the bed. I was physically and emotionally drained. “Is he still here?”

Angie came over and sat down next to me. “No, but I can’t say it was pretty when he and Nick walked out the door.”

“Nick left with him?”

“Not exactly. More like Nick dragged him out of the apartment to give you space. Andrew was pretty messed up and tried following you to the bedroom, but the guys stopped him.”

“I was hoping he wouldn’t follow me.” Now that the anger was starting to fade, I could feel the buildup of moisture in my eyes. I would not cry. I would not cry. I’d done enough of that over the last few months for a lifetime.

Her hand covered mine and squeezed. “I know, but I have to tell you, seeing him when he left here . . . I think he’s been hurting just as much as you have.”

“Then why did he leave me?” I let the tears fall.

She wrapped me in a hug. “I’m not saying to take him back. All I’m saying is seeing him cry made me think he finally realized how stupid he was.”

“I just can’t trust him with my heart again.”

“And I don’t expect you to.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

“I wish I could answer that for you, but that’s something only you can decide. Right now I think you’ve had a long day and you should try and get some sleep.”

The thought of the big, empty bed underneath me was a little daunting after everything that had happened. On the other hand, going to bed would give me the chance to be alone. I also needed time to think.

“You’re right. I could use some sleep.”

“Okay, sweetie. If you need anything, call me. I’m not sure when Nick will be back.”

“I’ll be fine.” The look she gave me clearly said that she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t question it before she walked out the door.

“Night, Em. I’m sorry things turned out so shitty today.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Angie left, closing me and my thoughts into the room. Andrew’s desertion cut me deeper than I ever thought possible. Then suddenly he was back and wanted to be part of my life again. He’d broken my faith in him, but the thought of him crying tonight made me feel like I wasn’t the only one suffering for his mistakes. Maybe he had suffered as much as me. Either way, I knew that Andrew would once again haunt my dreams.

Andrew

THE SOUND OF THE
ring as it clattered to the floor matched the sound of my heart breaking again. Of all the things she could have done or said to me, that was the one thing I’d feared more than anything. It cut deeper than I ever expected it to.

The room stayed silent, I’m sure all eyes on me. After a few minutes, I stood up, with every intention of trying again. Maybe if I kept apologizing and telling her how much I loved her, she’d eventually listen.

Wiping my eyes, I took a step toward the hallway, when suddenly Nick was blocking my path.

“That’s not a good idea.”

“You’re the one who told me to fight for her.”

He glanced behind him at the bedroom door. “Yeah, but none of us has seen this side of Em in months. You know her better than any of us, and if you really stop and think about it, you know that now is not the time to push.”

“I can’t let her walk away from me.”

“You have to,” Caleb said from behind me, “at least for tonight.”

I turned around and the varying looks of sadness on their faces said so much to me. They could have been for Emily, or me. Either way, everyone in that room recognized how bad things had gotten. Somewhere along the way, I’d lost myself. My eyes burned as I tried to hold back how badly I was hurting for both of us.

“I have to fight for her. I don’t want to let her walk away.”

Nick gripped my shoulder. “You won’t. We just need a plan. A way to reach her.”

“I’m going to check on her,” Angie said, giving a brief nod on her way past.

Lauren stepped in front of me and put her hands on my arms. “You once told me that Josh ran because he loved me. Well, Em does love you, she’s just afraid to get hurt again. She’s going to erect every wall she can find to protect her heart. It won’t be easy, but you have to keep trying.”

Josh came up and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “She’s right. Don’t give up. Just know you have a shit-ton of groveling to do.”

“She can do anything she wants to me, as long as it doesn’t include keeping me out of her life.”

Nick picked up his keys. “Come on. I’ll take you home. We’ll figure it out.”

Not trusting my voice, I nodded at my friends and walked out the door. Nick followed closely behind. Once we were in the car, the silence stretched on. Too lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t even think about small talk. Before I went after Emily again, I needed to settle my own demons. I needed to be able to promise her that nothing was going to come between us again.

“Want to take a quick trip with me?”

Nick’s head snapped in my direction and quickly. “A trip? What the hell are you talking about?”

“I need to see my dad.” My voice was flat, emotionless.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“If I’m going to get Emily back then, yes, I need to face him.”

Instead of heading to my apartment, he turned onto the freeway, toward my dad’s house. “When was the last time you talked to him?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe a month or so ago?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit. You really want to do this.”

“I have to.”

The rest of the drive was made in silence. Nick kept fidgeting in his seat, eyes flicking to the clock on the dashboard every few minutes. The tension in the car was palpable—like a heavy fog, making it hard to breathe. My knee bounced restlessly as I watched the car eat up the miles. The benefit of Nick driving was that he had a habit of making it to places faster than anyone else and in no time he was pulling into my dad’s driveway. It was late and my dad was probably asleep. Imagine my surprise when the porch light flicked on and the front door swung open. Dad was standing there in his pajama pants, a worried frown on his face.

We stepped out of the car and I followed Nick up onto the porch.

Dad pulled me into a hug. “Andrew, is everything okay?”

“No. Everything is definitely
not
okay.

He let me go and turned to Nick and shook his hand. “Nick, it’s good to see you again.”

Dad looked over at me again. “Andrew, what’s wrong?”

I gestured toward the house. “Can we go inside and talk?”

Dad led us down the hall and into the living room. It was surprising to see how clean the house was.

“Did you hire a cleaner?”

He shook his head. “No, Son, I did it myself.”

The shock must have registered across my face because Dad’s eyes grew sad. “I’ve made so many mistakes over the last several months.

Nick and I followed him into the living room. Once they had seats—I was too restless to sit—Dad glanced at Nick before he focused his gaze on me.

“Andrew, I am so sorry for some of the things I’ve done since Mom passed away. Losing your mother was hard, but that was no excuse for the way I behaved. In turn, my mistakes caused you to make mistakes of your own.” He paused, looking up at the ceiling trying to hold back the tears .

The pain in his eyes tore at me, then images of Emily flashed through my mind and suddenly his pain seemed less important. “Why, Dad?”

“I’m so sorry, Andrew. I was so distraught over your mom being gone that I thought maybe it would have been better if we’d never met. I realized that all of the happiest times of my life were spent with her, but even though our time may have been short, I will
always
treasure the time we had.” There was a small catch in his voice.

“I was wrong when I told you to leave Emily. There isn’t a day I would give up if I had my time with your mom all over again. Those memories may be all that I have left of her, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.” That’s when the tears started to fall.