Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (20 page)

God, why didn’t you protect me? I needed you,
and you abandoned me!

Personal Journal Entry

Entry #3
:
God’s Role

I have thought about what I just wrote, and I
realize now that God will not always protect me or give me what I
deserve.

God will not prevent my heartache, but He/She
will love me always. He/She will not take away my fear, but He/She
will help me through it. He/She will not defend my boundaries, but
I need to keep setting healthy boundaries anyway. I need to do my
best to protect myself. I need to respect my own boundaries, and
insist that others respect them as well.

I have to learn to respect myself, because in
the end, setting boundaries is an expression of self-respect, not a
guarantee of self-protection. If I have done everything in my power
to set healthy boundaries and protect myself, I have done my
part.

Self-respect must come from within. I have to
respect myself, even when others violate my boundaries. Even when
others disrespect me. I can’t use the fact that I was disrespected
in the past as an excuse to disrespect myself. I need to keep
setting healthy boundaries.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #4: Releasing Abusers

I can’t prevent an abuser from violating my
boundaries. I have to let go of their choices. I have to try and
separate their actions from my basic worth as a person. I need to
reject their abuse.

I have to release my abusers and leave them
behind. Someday they will have to answer for what they have done.
But I am not responsible for them.

I am responsible for myself. I choose a
different path. I choose to respect my boundaries and love myself.
I choose to find my own way, develop my own beliefs, and determine
my own direction. I choose to form my own opinions about my
self-worth, independent of what happened in the past.

I am not like my abusers. I take ownership of
my heart, my decisions, my pain, my love, my fears, my behaviors,
my spirituality, and my life.

In the past, I worshipped people with power.
I held my abusers in awe. I respected their opinions and looked up
to them. It’s time that I finally see them clearly.

My abusers were not all knowing, as I
believed them to be. They were ignorant and cruel. They used their
power to exploit me and abuse me.

Exercise 21-1

Coping With Anger

What triggers your anger?

1. ___ Being Disrespected

2. ___ Being Overlooked

3. ___ Relationship Issues

4. ___ Financial Stress

5. ___ Lack of Control

6. ___ Powerlessness

7. ___ Work Problems

8. ___ The Bad Behavior Of Others

9. ___ Feeling Taken For Granted

10. ___ Frustration

11. ___ Repeated Failure

12. ___ Being Told What To Do

13. ___ Lack Of Freedom

14. ___ Feeling Tired/Irritable

15. ___ Feeling Hopeless

16. ___ Feeling Disappointed

17. ___ Feeling Depressed

18. ___ Memories Of The Abuse

19. ___ Feeling Overwhelmed

20. ___ Feeling Stressed-Out

21. ___ Feeling Lonely

22. ___ Feeling Abandoned

How do you usually cope with your angry
feelings?

1. ___ Raise Your Voice

2. ___ Develop Resentments

3. ___ Drink Or Use Drugs

4. ___ Get “Short” With People

5. ___ Start Verbal Arguments

6. ___ Start Physical Fights

7. ___ Claim That “I Don’t Care”

8. ___ Neglect Your Personal Needs

9. ___ Spend Money Compulsively

10. ___ Eat Compulsively

11. ___ Have Sex Compulsively

12. ___ Overwork

13. ___ Become Judgmental Of Others

14. ___ Fantasize About Acts Of Violence

15. ___ Develop Road Rage

16. ___ Pick On Yourself

17. ___ Pick On Other People

18. ___ Quit Your Job

19. ___ Isolate Yourself And Avoid Family Or
Friends

20. ___ Feel Sorry For Yourself

21. ___ Get Depressed

22. ___ Stuff Your Feelings

What are some healthy ways you can release
your anger?

1. ___ Physical Exercise

2. ___ Martial Arts/Kickboxing

3. ___ Yell And Scream When No One Is
Around

4. ___ Play A Video Game

5. ___ Talk To Someone About Your
Feelings

6. ___ Write Your Angry Feelings Down In A
Journal

7. ___ Cry

8. ___ Turn To God And Pray

9. ___ Engage In Hobbies

10. ___ Deal With Your Underlying
Emotions

11. ___ Allow Yourself To Feel Angry

12. ___ Try to Understand Why Painful Things
Happen

13. ___ Stand Up For Yourself

14. ___ Allow Yourself To Feel Frustrated

15. ___ Work To Change The Situation

16. ___ Let Go When You Can’t Change The
Situation

17. ___ Brainstorm Solutions To The
Situation

18. ___ Break Off A Relationship If You Can’t
Resolve The Problems

19. ___ Continue To Respect Yourself

20. ___ Continue To Respect Others

21. ___ Do Deep Breathing Exercises

22. ___ Count To Ten

23. ___ Remove Yourself From An
Anger-Provoking Person Or Situation

24. ___ Work To Find A Compromise With Your
Anger-Provoking Person Or Situation

25. ___ Get Lots Of Rest

Chapter 22
–
Betrayal

“Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external
sources.”

-Linda Talley

Betrayal occurs when someone misleads us or
breaks our trust. Many of us felt deeply betrayed when we were
sexually abused. Even now, we may find it difficult to trust
others, or difficult to believe that anyone in this world could be
worthy of our trust.

Some of us had friends or relatives that
turned on us or victimized us. We may have been raped or assaulted
while on a date. Sometimes our feelings of violation are
intense.

What is it that our abusers betrayed? If they
were parents, pastors, or the leader of a youth organization, they
betrayed their position of power and authority. They betrayed the
most basic codes of decency and respect.

Instead of joy, they gave us pain. Instead of
safety, they gave us fear.

Betrayal can lead to strong feelings of anger
and resentment. We want to be cared for, not abused. A violation of
this type can lead to a great deal of hurt and confusion. It can
destroy our sense of security. Being sexually abused causes us to
lose trust and lose faith.

If we were abused as children, it is
important to realize that an adult can seem a lot like God to a
small child. They have so much power and control. We may have
thought they knew what they were doing. We may have believed that
they understood the consequences of their actions. We may have
mistaken their power for wisdom.

Why do some people prove so unworthy of the
power God gave them? We may have believed that our parents were
divinely appointed to take care of us. We may have believed that
they would look out for our best interests. If our parents were
abusive, we may have questioned ourselves instead of them.

It is a parent’s job to provide their
children with lots of love and support. To encourage them to learn
and grow. God offers many parents the challenge of raising
children. Unfortunately, some prove unworthy of the task.

If our parents sexually abused us, our
childhood was a disaster. Instead of loving us, they molested us.
Instead of meeting our needs, they satisfied their own selfish
needs at our expense.

They used us. To fulfill their need for
power. To fulfill their need for unlimited sexual gratification. To
fulfill their need to hurt someone with their anger.

One of the tasks of parenthood is to protect
your children from harm. That means protecting a child’s
boundaries. It is a parent’s responsibility to do everything in
their power to keep their children safe. To keep them out of harm’s
way so that those children can grow up to be healthy, happy, and
strong.

We may have tried to defend our parents. We
may have wanted to believe they would protect us. We may have
wanted to believe they would support us and be there for us when we
needed them. Some of us are still in denial about our parents. We
still hold onto fantasies about our childhood that were never
true.

It’s okay to believe in good parents. Some
parents are capable of sacrificing their own needs to provide for
their children. They can be supportive when their children need
help, protect their children to the best of their ability, and
treat their children with love and respect. This is the way good
parents are supposed to behave.

If you were sexually abused by a parent, the
loss you feel is real. Your desire for love is normal. You were not
defective and you deserved better. But the truth is that the
parents you wanted were not the parents you got.

How can we grieve this kind of loss? Some of
us feel a terrible void inside of us. We were never adequately
loved, nurtured, or cherished.

The only way to fill a void of this kind is
with renewed love. Love for ourselves. Love from God. Love from our
puppy dog. Love from our friends. Love from our lover. Love from
our children. Love from “The Universe.”

Our parents may have failed us. In fact, it
may seem silly to call them parents at all. But it is possible to
find surrogate parents who can love and support us, even as adults.
It’s never too late to find the love and support we deserve.

Personal Journal Entry

Entry #1: Anger About Betrayal

I hate people for hurting me. How am I
supposed to trust them when they can betray me like this? How can I
ever heal this pain? How can I ever get over what happened to
me?

Sometimes I fear that I will be betrayed
again. I’m afraid I won’t see it coming. I won’t realize that
someone is going to betray me until it’s too late.

No one will ever be completely worthy of my
trust. People lie out of fear. They betray out of anger. Cruelty is
a sign of weakness, not of strength.

I trusted my abusers because I needed their love to
survive in this world. When they abused me, I felt torn apart. My
pain is very deep because I was so weak, vulnerable, and needy.

There can be no love without trust. In order
to open our hearts, we must feel safe. Betrayal destroys trust,
destroys safety, and destroys love.

My own trust issues are held in place by a
lot of anger. I felt so angry about being violated. I feel so
afraid of being hurt again.

In the past, people sabotaged my security, my
jobs, my relationships, and my possessions. People have
intentionally harmed every area of my life. I can’t protect myself.
There is no way to avoid the hurtful actions of others.

And yet, if I want to be fulfilled, I have to
trust. I trusted my abusers because I wanted their love. I trusted
them even after I knew they were untrustworthy.

Personal Journal Entry

Entry #2: Not Trusting

My inner child doesn’t trust anyone. He feels
so afraid of getting hurt. He shuts down and shuts people out
because it makes him feel like he’s in control.

He’s so angry about having been betrayed. He
doesn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. He wants to protect
himself.

Getting hurt means loving someone and feeling
betrayed by them. We believed we were safe, but it turns out that
we weren’t. We feel deceived.

The betrayals of my childhood shattered my
sense of security. I came to believe that safety was an illusion. I
could always be hurt, even when I believed I was safe. I decided
that I was never truly safe.

This is the reason I have struggled so much
with issues of control. If I can’t control others, how can I trust
them? Yet if I can’t trust them, how can I ever get the love that I
need?

Feeling safe means believing that I am
protected from harm. But the truth is that I am never protected
from harm. This world is not a safe place.

My inner child feels violated. I love my
inner child, but he is still holding onto beliefs about this world
that aren’t true. I may have deserved to be safe and loved as a
child, but people don’t always get what they deserve. I cannot
assume that I will be safe, secure, or loved in this world any more
than I can assume anything else. When I do feel safe, secure, or
loved, I should count myself truly blessed.

My inner child needs to let go of the past,
and let go of what he lost. I need to give him lots of love and
support.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #3: Trusting People That Are
Untrustworthy

When I was a child, I thought that the only
way to get the love I needed was to trust my abusers. Yet at the
same time, I knew they were dishonest. In the end, I wound up
trusting people I knew were untrustworthy.

I continued to repeat this pattern later in
my adult life. I trusted partners I knew were untrustworthy because
I desperately wanted their love and approval. Even when I knew they
would betray me. I was so afraid of losing them.

Over time, I grew increasingly needy for a
love they couldn’t provide. I chose partners who were just like my
abusers. Partners who were incapable of genuine love and respect. I
accepted their abuse because I was so afraid of being abandoned. I
was so afraid that the relationship would end. And of course, it
always did.

At the end of each unhealthy relationship, I
would break down emotionally. I would go back to smoking cigarettes
and drinking alcohol. I would isolate myself until I found another
unhealthy partner, and the sick charade would begin again.

Each of my relationships was a destructive
repeat of the one I had left behind. A destructive repeat of my
original, broken relationship with my abusers.