Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (16 page)

Even when I’m being good to myself, others
can still disrespect me. They can still hurt me. I hate feeling so
vulnerable to the actions of others, but what can I do?

At some point in our lives, we all get hurt.
Others will always have the power to hurt us, and that’s never
going to change. It’s important to remove ourselves from abusive
situations because we owe that to ourselves. But sometimes we can’t
stop the abuse. Sometimes an abuser is blind to the hurt they
cause. Their own mind lies to them. Their denial protects them from
the truth of what they are doing. Some abusers live in a
self-delusional world where they can do no wrong.

I can’t control my self-esteem because I
can’t control the hurtful actions of others. That fact is very
discouraging. I’ll never be able to leave an abusive relationship
with my self-esteem intact, even if I do everything right. Even if
I do everything in my power to protect myself from harm.

Sometimes when I remove myself from an
abusive relationship, it’s too late. The damage is already done. My
self-esteem is destroyed.

I have to accept that people can hurt me. Yet
I can heal my pain when I allow myself to grieve. When bad things
happen to me, I can continue to be good to myself and take care of
myself. I can begin to love myself again, and work to heal the
trauma.

It’s horrible that people can hurt me, but
the truth is that I’m human. Sometimes I am going to get hurt. I
cannot always prevent bad things from happening to me. I can only
help myself to heal.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #5: Low Self-Esteem is a Belief

Low self-esteem is a belief, supported by
fear, that having been sexually abused “means” something about me.
I have believed that being sexually abused makes me a bad
person.

(My wise, inner voice): If you believe you
are a bad person, your logic is defective! You are a good
person.

Here is my faulty logic:

1. I was sexually abused. Therefore, I
deserve to be abused.

2. Nobody loved me. Therefore, I don’t
deserve to be loved.

3. I felt abandoned by God. Therefore, God
doesn’t love me.

4. I had to do what my abusers forced me to
do. Therefore, I am evil.

It may be true that I was sexually abused. It
may be true that my abusers did not love me. I did feel abandoned
by God, and I did have to do what my abusers forced me to do. But
the conclusions I came to about myself were based on circular
logic, and they make no sense. They are an attempt to blame myself
for the actions of another.

1. Even if I was abused, I still don’t
deserve to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused.

2. Just because my abusers didn’t love me
doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be loved or that I am
unlovable. Being a child of God makes me worthy of all the love
this world has to offer. I am special, unique, and important to
God, myself, and others.

3. I felt abandoned by God, but God still
loves me. God loved me when those things were happening. He/She
still loves me today. The love of God will never change, even when
it’s hard for me to understand why He/She allowed me to suffer.

4. If I did what my abusers forced me to do,
I need to forgive myself for being a scared kid. I wasn’t strong
enough to stand up to them. What happened is not my fault.

Other people’s actions cannot change who I
am. I was a good person when I was born, I was a good person when I
was being abused, and I am a good person today. Nothing can ever
change the good person inside of me.

Process
Questions

How would I rate my self-esteem on a scale of
1-10? What are the reasons it is at that level?

How do I feel about myself right now?

What are some of the things I could start
doing right away to improve my self-esteem? (Clean the house, get a
haircut, start an exercise program, stop a self-abusive pattern or
addiction, talk to someone about the way I feel, start writing
about my feelings and beliefs in a journal, enroll in a school or
university to get a better career, read positive self-affirmations,
get out of the house and start being social again, etc…)

How would my life improve if I had better
self-esteem? (Would I have more self-confidence, better
communication skills, be more assertive, take better care of
myself, develop healthier relationships, or set positive goals for
my future?)

Chapter 17
–
High Self-Esteem

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person
you’re alone with.”

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Survivors of sexual abuse often feel devalued
and disrespected. Some of us were treated as if we were not even
human.

In the beginning, most of us resisted the
abuse and what it meant for our self-esteem. There was a part of us
that thought, “This is wrong and I deserve to be loved.” But that
part of us grew weaker over time. That part of us was eventually
replaced by another voice. A voice inside our head that said, “I’m
a worthless piece of garbage, and I deserve to be abused.”

At the root of our transformation from
self-esteem to self-loathing was a desire to understand what was
happening to us. Sexual abuse causes a deep conflict within our
mind. “Why am I being abused if I’m a good person? Why am I being
treated like garbage if I deserve to be treated with respect? Why,
why, why?”

“Why are my parents or family members abusing
me when they’re supposed to love me? Why is my childhood a horrible
nightmare when it’s supposed to be a time for love, safety, and
support? Why do I feel so bad when I should feel so good? Why am I
so ashamed of my body? Why are my abusers so angry with me? Why do
they yell at me, hit me, or rape me?”

Can a child understand? Can anyone understand
why some children don’t get the love they deserve?

At first, we may have thought our abusers
were omnipotent. They seemed so powerful and in control. At some
point, we may have believed that they knew what they were doing. We
may have concluded that we were getting what we deserved, or that
we must have done something terribly wrong to deserve their
abuse.

Blaming ourselves made us feel like we were
still in control. It made us feel like we still understood the
world. It made us think there was some logic to what was happening
to us.

But it was a lie. Our transformation from
self-esteem to self-loathing was insidious. When we decided that we
were bad, we began to abuse ourselves. We lost our ability to treat
ourselves with love and respect. We lost our ability to insist that
others treat us well. When we fail to reverse this destructive,
downward spiral, we lose our lives to abuse, addiction, and
death.

To reverse this terrible process, we must
realize the truth. Being abused is always a question, never a
statement of fact. When our abuser told us, “You are a worthless
piece of garbage,” what he/she was really saying was, “I want you
to believe you are a worthless piece of garbage. Will you believe
it?”

Sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse for that
matter, is an attack on our self-esteem. In our minds, we hear what
our abusers are saying but don’t always realize they are issuing a
challenge. It has always been up to us to decide what to believe
about ourselves.

An abuser cannot tell us who we are. Sure,
they can make our lives hell. They can put us in hellishly painful
situations that cause a great deal of emotional damage.

When we were children, most of us could not
understand that the abuser was challenging us. Even worse, this
challenge may have come from someone who was much older, much
stronger, and more powerful than we were at the time.

Yet our failure to understand the nature of
this challenge does not change the truth. Abuse is always a
question, never a statement of fact. It is a lie. It is an attempt
to intimidate and bully us. Our abusers wanted to hurt someone with
their anger. Someone whom they believed could not stand up to their
abuse. They wanted us to be their victim. They wanted to make us
believe that we deserved to be abused.

So they asked us questions that were
disguised as fact. Are you a bad child? Do you deserve to be yelled
at? Do you deserve to be attacked? Do you deserve to be criticized
unfairly?

Do you deserve to be hit? Do you deserve to
be raped? Is it your fault that I’m raping you? Is it your fault
that I don’t love you? Is it your fault that I won’t support you?
Is it your fault that I withhold love and attention until you give
me what I want?

Is there something I can say or do to justify
my abuse of you? Do you deserve the pain, suffering, and agony I am
inflicting upon you? Do I have the right to abuse you because you
are my child? Will you be the victim I want you to become?

Questions, questions, and more questions, but
not a single statement of fact. Could it be that the answer to all
of their implied questions is a resounding “No!” Could it be that
we are wonderful, loveable, spiritual, kind souls who deserve all
the love this world has to offer?

How did they want us to answer every one of
their implied questions? “Yes, yes, and yes.” To get their love, to
get their approval, we had to answer “yes.” “Yes, I deserve to be
abused. Yes, I’m a bad boy/girl. Yes, it’s okay for you to abuse
me. Yes, you have the right to abuse me because I’m your child.
Yes, I am bad. Yes, I will be the victim you want me to
become.”

Some abusers worked very hard to brainwash
us. Every time we said “no” to one of their implied questions, we
paid the price. If we said, “No, I don’t deserve to be abused,”
they would abuse us even worse and withhold any further love and
approval. If we said, “No, I won’t be the person you’re trying to
turn me into,” they would work twice as hard to break us down. We
learned that we couldn’t win. The only way to survive was to become
the person they wanted us to be.

Some of us desperately wanted our abuser’s
love and approval. Our longing for love and care made it easier for
them to exploit us.

It’s time to realize that it’s all okay. We
cannot condemn ourselves for trying to survive. We cannot condemn
ourselves for wanting their love and approval. We cannot
second-guess the logic of a vulnerable, needy child who was faced
with an impossible situation.

But the things we came to believe about
ourselves were lies. They were a product of manipulation, terror,
and brainwashing. It’s time to question whether anyone deserves to
be abused. It’s time to examine the way we choose to treat
ourselves. It’s time to discover what we actually deserve as
children of God.

To reverse this brainwashing, we must reverse
all of the negative beliefs we embraced about ourselves. We need to
consciously say “no” to every implied question.

High self-esteem is something that happens
when we realize we are good people and we deserve all the good
things this world has to offer. Positive beliefs about ourselves
translate into positive actions. When we learn to treat ourselves
with respect, take care of our needs, and set healthy boundaries,
we create strong foundations for our future. Good self-esteem comes
from healing sexual abuse.

There are many benefits to good self-esteem.
When we like ourselves, we begin to feel more confident. We gain
the strength to face life’s challenges. Confidence can help us
trust that we will be all right, no matter what happens.

High self-esteem leads to freedom. The more
confident we feel, the more we reject abuse in our daily lives. We
recognize abusive partners before we get into relationships with
them. We stop feeling attracted to abusers. We begin to set healthy
boundaries. We begin to reserve our trust for those people who
prove worthy of it.

Good self-esteem is a product of our beliefs
and our choices. It comes from believing positive things about
ourselves. It comes from seeing our past in a realistic way. If we
were convinced that the abuse was our fault, we begin to realize
the truth. We were good people when we were born, we were good
people when we were being abused, and we are still good people
today.

One of the obstacles we face is that we are
only able to believe those things about ourselves we have the
strength to believe. Our abusers did everything in their power to
break us down and make us feel weak. They wanted to make us
question our worth. They wanted to control us. They tried to take
away our physical and emotional safety. They tried to take away our
sexual integrity.

They wanted us to feel powerless and afraid.
They knew that if they ever allowed us to experience our personal
strength and power, we would have used it to defy them and their
abuse.

They wanted to keep us weak so we could not
make up our own minds about who we were, what we deserved, and why
we were being abused. They realized that if they could only break
us down enough, they could tell us what to believe. They could tell
us that the abuse was our fault or that we were bad. They could
tell us that we didn’t deserve any better.

It’s time to nurture the strength inside so
we can decide for ourselves what we want to believe.

High self-esteem is the result of positive
action. It comes from demonstrating love for ourselves by engaging
in good self-care (Chapter 26) and avoiding self-sabotage (Chapter
9). We demonstrate love for ourselves by treating ourselves with
kindness and respect.

Inner healing is a process. We need to heal
the wounds of our inner child (Chapter 14). We need to release our
pain (Chapter 7) and our fear (Chapter 19). We need to reprogram
our beliefs about the abuse (Chapter 17), treat ourselves with love
and respect, and demand that others treat us well (Chapter 28).