Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (14 page)

But persistence always pays off. I was not
about to give up on an abandoned, lonely child within myself.

In the past, I had smoked cigarettes or drank
alcohol to try to numb the pain of my childhood. But my addictions
only further injured a part of me that already felt a great deal of
pain.

So I bombarded Jacob with love, and he
responded with tears, screaming, and agony. It was the pain that I
needed to release. The pain of sexual abuse escaping from the
prison of my mind.

There is nothing I can say to explain how
good it feels to allow your pain to pass through you and out of
you. Over time, we begin to feel that our pain is slowly destroying
us from within. Emotional pain can fuel our addictions and
unhealthy behaviors.

It may be scary to face our pain, but it is
much worse to avoid it. Every time we cry, a part of us is healed.
A part of us is set free. A part of us is reborn. I know from past
experience and please believe me. It is better to love your inner
child.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Inner Child Work and Abandonment
Issues

-The inner child feels:

1. Needy

2. Vulnerable

3. Scared

-The inner child gets:

1. Angry

2. Resentful

3. Sensitive

-The inner child acts:

1. Controlling

2. Manipulative

3. Hostile

-The inner child fears:

1. Abandonment

2. Rejection

3. Physical Pain

My inner child is the part of me that was
sexually abused. During the abuse, he felt abandoned by his abusers
and abandoned by God. The work I do with my inner child is helping
to improve my self-esteem.

When I send my inner child love, I begin to
release the pain of my past. My inner child feels afraid. He feels
vulnerable when I tell him how much I love him, because love feels
so foreign to him.

I need to cry. I need to release my pain. I
need to encourage my inner child to say “no” to his abusers. “No,
it’s not okay for you to abuse me! I deserve better! I love myself,
and what you are doing to me is wrong!”

When I cry and shake with fear, it is because
I am finally healing. I will allow my feelings to surface and pass
through me.

If the inner child:

-feels needy, vulnerable, or scared: do
something to meet his/her needs, make him/her feel safe, and calm
his/her fears. Take some time alone, reassure him/her that
everything will be okay, or take steps to remove him/her from an
unsafe situation.

-gets angry, resentful, or sensitive: remind
him/her that you are going to take care of him/her and that you
will meet his/her needs from now on. Ask your inner child what
he/she wants and needs.

-acts controlling, manipulative, or hostile:
ask him/her what’s going on, meet his/her needs immediately, or
help him/her let go of what he/she wants to control.

-fears abandonment or rejection: tell him/her
that you will always love him/her, that you will never leave
him/her, that you will always be there for him/her, and that you
will be there no matter what happens. Say the words, “I love my
inner child unconditionally” as often as you need to, and take
action to take care of yourself.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Inner Child Feelings

My inner child is angry with people for what
they did to him. He wants revenge. He wishes there was something he
could do to regain his power.

What am I so afraid of?

Sexual abuse. I fear the cruelty of my
abusers. My inner child’s feelings come from his desire for
control.

How can he learn to let go? By releasing his
fear.

And what are some of the fears my inner child
needs to release?

1. Fear of pain

2. Fear of betrayal

3. Fear of hatred

4. Fear of powerlessness

5. Fear of death

Pain, betrayal, hatred, powerlessness, and
death. These were all directed at me when I was abused. They are
the same fears that my abusers held within themselves. I realize
now that they were trying to pass their fear on to me.

Don’t be afraid of your fear. Just allow it
to pass through you. Allow yourself shake. Allow yourself to let
go.

As a child, I was afraid of dying. My
feelings of vulnerability were intense. I need to let go of this
fear. What will happen if you die, Jacob?

(Inner child voice): I don’t know. I’m really
scared.

You can’t die, Jacob. You only move to a new
body. A body of light.

(Inner child voice): They told me that if I
die, I’ll go to hell. I’ll burn in hell. I’m so afraid of
dying.

That was a lie, Jacob. There is no hell. When
you die, you go to heaven. You are surrounded by light and
love.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #3: Releasing Resentments

My inner child carries a lot of resentment.
He’s angry that he didn’t get the respect or encouragement he
needed. He’s angry that he had so little control.

He wanted love, safety, and support.

As a child, I felt vulnerable, needy, and
afraid. I wanted to be protected from the danger in this world. I
felt sensitive to pain. I had just come from God’s loving arms, and
I wanted my mother’s loving arms as a replacement.

(To my inner child): Try to let go of the
things you wanted. Try to let go of the respect, encouragement, and
love you never received from your abusers. You may not know this,
but you are eternal. You are a child of God. No matter what
happens, your soul will live on. It cannot be destroyed.

Those people can’t control you any more.
Breathe in the pure love of God. Use it to transform your
fears.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #4: Healing the Inner Child

Optional
: (Place
your hand over your heart or stomach to direct love into yourself.
Imagine your inner child. Look at a photograph of yourself as a
child if that helps.)

Say
: “I am sending
deep love and healing into _________ (name of your inner
child).”

“I am sending love and healing deep into
_________ (name of your inner child).”

“I am sending deep healing and love into
_________ (name of your inner child).”

“I am sending healing and love deep into
_________ (name of your inner child).”

“I am sending deep love and healing into my
inner child.”

“I am sending love and healing deep into my
inner child.”

“I am sending deep healing and love into my
inner child.”

“I am sending healing and love deep into my
inner child.”

“I love you, (name of your inner child).
You’re such a good boy/girl!”

“ (name of your inner child), you deserve to
be loved. You always deserve to be loved.”

“I love myself as a survivor of sexual
abuse.”

Remember, if you find yourself crying or
shaking from repeating these statements to yourself, that’s good.
It means you are healing. Repeat these statements to your inner
child as often as you need to. Remember, a tremendous amount of
love is needed to counter a tremendous amount of hate. Love, and a
lot of it, is the only thing that will heal our inner child.

Our inner child wants to be loved, no matter
what he/she may say or how he/she may act. Remember this, and give
your inner child the love that he/she needs.

Stepping Stones to Health

Healing the Inner Child

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I do not recognize that I have an
inner child.

_____ 2. I sometimes feel there is a part of
me that still carries the pain of sexual abuse.

_____ 3. I was a child when I was abused, and
there could be a childlike part of me that continues to struggle
with what happened.

_____ 4. I recognize that there are childlike
parts of myself, even today, that like to play and have fun. I want
to nurture those parts of myself.

_____ 5. I believe the childlike part of me
was hurt by the sexual abuse.

_____ 6. I am beginning to have more
compassion for myself. I am starting to want to heal and nurture
this part of me.

_____ 7. I have connected with my inner
child’s feelings, and repeat healing affirmations to him/her.

_____ 8. I have conversations with my inner
child and ask what he/she needs.

_____ 9. I recognize that I have an inner
child, and I will do whatever it takes to heal that part of
myself.

Chapter 15
–
Deserving Love

“We can’t give up on love, and we can’t
pretend that we can live without it.

We need love like we need air to
breathe.”

-Jason Goodwin

As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us
never received the love we wanted. Love was withheld from us
altogether, or it was given only on a conditional basis. Many of us
had to keep the family secret to gain approval.

Some survivors of sexual abuse try to gain
love and acceptance by becoming perfect. The truth is that we can
never be perfect.

Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a
paradoxical view of love. We don’t understand why our abuser never
loved us, so we conclude that either they couldn’t love us, or we
were unworthy of their love.

Some of us were sexually abused by a parent
or parents. The idea that a parent or caregiver could be incapable
of loving us is unthinkable. As children, we need love in order to
survive. We need love and approval from the people we depend
upon.

Instead of facing the terrible truth, that
maybe our parents or abusers were incapable of loving us, we decide
that we were unlovable and we blame ourselves for the abuse.

Some of us recreate this destructive paradox
in our adult lives. We feel attracted to cold, distant, or
emotionally unavailable partners. We end up in unhealthy, abusive
relationships. We fail to notice those partners who would be good
to us. Partners who would treat us with the love and respect we
deserve.

When we believe we don’t deserve to be loved,
we tend to form relationships with people who will confirm our
worst fears. The belief that we are unlovable is often held in
place by a great deal of sorrow. It is time to grieve the loss of
our childhood. We may need to allow ourselves to cry. We may need
to take it upon ourselves to give our inner child the love that
he/she never received. When we send our inner child love, we begin
to release our feelings of pain and resentment.

Without receiving the kind of love and
attention that makes us feel valuable and important as children, we
may fail to develop a positive sense of ourselves and our identity.
Growing up is a difficult process. Without lots of love and
support, many of us fail to make a healthy transition into adult
life.

If our parents abused us, they were derelict
in their duties. It was their job to provide us with love and
support. It was their job to teach us how to face life’s
challenges. They blew it. Many of us feel a deep hole where their
love should have been. Instead of feeling love, we feel pain.
Instead of feeling joy, we feel sorrow. Instead of feeling
appreciation, we feel resentment. Instead of feeling connected, we
feel abandoned.

Of course, no one is perfect. No one can show
his/her love for us every moment of every day. It is important to
examine our own behavior. Do we treat others poorly? We cannot
expect to receive love if we are not willing to give it in return.
We need to be willing to demonstrate our love for others through
our actions, and surround ourselves with people who can show their
love for us in the same way.

In the past, I believed that I would never be
able to heal the sexual abuse. I believed that I would never feel
like I deserved to be loved. But that was before I really took the
time to work with my inner child. I sent him love and allowed him
to grieve. I comforted him, and worked on healing the trauma of my
past. It is a painful process, but one that restores our heart in
the end.

Through our actions, we teach our inner child
that he/she really does deserve to be loved. When our inner child
feels loved, is allowed to cry, and is supported unconditionally,
he/she begins to heal.

Giving and receiving love is one of the
greatest joys in life. We all deserve that experience. But in order
to get it, we must remain open to the many different forms that
love takes. Sometimes we don’t have a romantic relationship that is
fulfilling. Sometimes we don’t have a close relationship with God.
Sometimes we feel estranged from parents that abused us as
children.

Sometimes our friends are few and far
between. We live in apartments where we can’t own a pet. Sometimes
we don’t love ourselves as much as we need to.

If we want to get the love we need, we must
never give up. We must never isolate ourselves or withdraw from the
world. We must keep looking and keep trying. Sometimes we have to
take all the love we can from whatever healthy sources are
available to us at the time. We must keep improving our
relationship with ourselves, with God, and with others so that all
of our relationships can become more loving.

We can’t give up on love, and we can’t
pretend that we can live without it. We need love like we need air
to breathe.

Unfortunately, some of us have wanted love so
badly that we became willing to accept abuse in order to get it.
These survivors are on the roller-coaster from hell. They
experience violent ups and downs. When their partner treats them
well, they feel good about themselves for a little while. When
their partner treats them poorly, they feel rejected. In the end,
their self-esteem depends on their partner’s mood. Whether or not
that partner was drinking last night. Whether or not that partner
cheated on them this time. Is this the way we deserve to live? Do
we deserve to be loved and respected only some of the time?