Hawthorn (5 page)

How was tutoring?

Okay but…

But?

Nothing.

No fair, you can’t do that!

I watch the message box, tapping a nail against my laptop as I wait for a response.

It’s probably nothing but I think Jessica’s faking it.

I roll my eyes. Finally.

Tell her to piss off then.

I can’t. I could really do with the money.

I know, it’s just…

What?

Nothing.

Whoa you can’t do that!

I laugh. I can imagine his face all screwed up and indignant, his red hair sticking up all over the place. I want to reach up and smooth it and the desire is like an ache in my chest.

Helloooo! Gemma!

I think she has a crush on you.

Oh.

Yeah.

In that case I better tell her to piss off.

“Gemma! Dinner’s ready!”

Shit, gotta go. Dinner’s ready.

K.

On impulse I send him a heart.

After a moment he sends one back.

I log off with a warm feeling in my chest.

Chilli is a favourite of mine. We have it with rice, salsa and sour cream and Jules has gone all out and even heated some wraps. Decisions, decisions… I decide to have a little of everything.

Danny and Heather are already chomping down and I am loading up my plate when mum walks in, looking all shiny and refreshed. I feel a pang of guilt. I’ve been pretty horrible to her over the whole moving thing, and all she has tried to do is make it a home for all of us. I have to admit, Learmonth House and the village, aside from its little quirks, are pretty nice. I imagine long summers on the beach, stunning winters taking walks in the white-washed woods, with hot chocolate on the veranda afterwards. I tell myself that all houses take some getting used to. The strange sounds I’ve been hearing, the creepy vibe, it’s all part of the adjustment.

Mum takes the seat opposite me and I give her a tentative smile, a truce. She blinks in surprise and I pass her the bowl of rice.

“Thanks, honey.”

“You’re welcome.”

Her eyes light up and I feel even worse. God, I can be such a spoiled bitch sometimes.

We tuck in and there is blissful silence, just the sound of chewing and, in Danny’s case, slurping from his favourite Spiderman beaker.

My stomach feels nice and warm and full. I sit back and sigh.

Mum looks up. “Did you enjoy your walk today?”

I nod. “It’s really pretty.” I’m about to tell her about Sam, but change my mind. I don’t want her to think I am being nice to her just because I’ve met a boy. “I was wondering, have we been here before? I mean to visit.”

Mum frowns. “Once. You were only a couple of months old, though. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, and that’s the only time we visited?”

“Yes. Why?”

Well, that shoots down my theory. There’s no way I could remember the tree, or anything else for that matter, if I had been a baby when we visited.

I shrug. “Just déjà vu.”

Mum smiles. “We did go to the Lake District when you were three. There’s a lot of forest land up there. We stayed in a cabin with Jim, Jen and Harry, their little boy. Maybe you’re recalling that?”

I nod. “Yeah, could be.”

“You came here with Kevin?” Jules asks mum.

Mum nods. “Trust me, it wasn’t my idea. Uncle Henry turned into a bit of a recluse after his wife Karen passed away. But then, out the blue, just after Gemma was born in fact, he sent us an invite to visit. Kevin thought it was a good idea to go, get into Henry’s good books, you know?” She waves her arm in an arch to indicate the house.

I feel a stab of annoyance. Why is she trying to make dad look bad?

Mum glances at me and her expression softens. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a dig at your dad. He was a great dad. I remember, it was just after we got back to London from our visit to Learmonth actually, you got so sick. You were crying all the time, came out in hives, your eyes gunky and streaming constantly. And then you stopped breathing.”

Danny climbs off his chair and onto my lap. I put my arms around him almost absently, eyes never leaving mum’s face. How come I have never heard this story?

Mum swallows, her eyes misting. “I thought we’d lost you, I really did. Your dad, he took charge. The paramedics managed to get you breathing again, but you were in hospital for two weeks. Your dad…he was my rock. He spent hours at your side because I couldn’t bear it, to see you like that. I didn’t believe you would make it, but you did. I still don’t know how you pulled through.”

Jules is staring at mum with interest and it makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one who hasn’t heard this story.

“Did they figure out what was wrong with her?” Jules asks.

Mum shakes her head. “Not really, although they did say all her symptoms were allergy-based and for a while they thought she might be like that bubble boy, you know the one. It was the allergy treatment that saved you. Do you remember the inhaler you had and the sweetie medicine I used to give you?”

A memory stirs somewhere in the back of my mind, but I fail to grasp it and it slips away.

Mum smiles. “You grew out of it though, much quicker than we expected.”

I can’t imagine being sick like that. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was sick.

Jules takes advantage of the lull in conversation. “Who wants dessert? Ice-cream or cheesecake?”

“Ice-cream!” the twins shout.

I get into my pyjamas and climb into bed with my laptop. I sign in and log onto Facebook to check if Liam’s on. He’s not. I’m about to sign out when I see a message from Beth. We used to spend a lot of time together, but she got into makeup and fashion and nails and we drifted apart, but she’s good people.

I click on the message and read it.

Saw Liam at Costa with Jessica today. What’s up with that? He’s your mate so I thought I’d let you know to warn him, she’s a total ho bag he does not want to go there!

I stare at the message and my heart is in my feet. I close the laptop and shove it under my bed.

There is nothing I can do about this. He is miles away and he knows how I feel. He knows how I feel and he chose to go out with her anyway.

It hurts. Tears leak from my eyes, but I brush them away angrily. Tears are a waste. I have a new life now and, as of tomorrow, Liam is not a part of it.

The silence is permeated only by the sound of our breathing and the odd creak as the house settles around us. I’ve left the curtains open so I can watch the moon trip across the sky from the comfort of my bed. From up here, the view is unobstructed and clear. It helps me relax and drift to sleep.

Mary fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. I am still surprised at how she does that. No transition, nothing, just an instant deep sleep. That was over an hour ago. I listen to her deep, even breath and am about to drift off when she starts to mumble. I tense. Another nightmare? She whimpers and cries out. I wrap my arms around her, whispering in her ear, “It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream.”

She falls silent, her body relaxing. Just as I am about to let down my guard, she bolts upright, breaking out of my grip and screams.

I act on instinct, slapping a hand over her mouth and pulling her close. “Shhh, Mary. Hush, it’s okay, you’re okay. It was just a dream.”

She fights me, thrashing about. Her fist smacks me in the eye.

“Fuck! Mary! Fuck!” I release her to nurse my face.

“Oh god!” Mary is back. “Jules? Shit! I’m so sorry.”

I nod. “You okay?” I squint across at her. She looks sweaty, shaken. “What was it about?”

“What?”

“The nightmare.”

She shakes her head. “I – I can’t remember.”

“You were crying.”

“Was I?”

“Yeah.”

She lies back on the pillow, pulling the covers back up around her. “I’m cold.”

That is my invitation to snuggle.

I pull her into my arms and hold her close. “Maybe you should see a doctor.”

She laughs. “About bad dreams? Seriously?”

“I don’t know. I just… I’m worried about you. You’ve been having nightmares ever since we moved.”

“Exactly. It’s just the move. I’ll be fine.”

I smile. That’s my Mary right there, assured and confident and not afraid of anything.

“Oh, I think I remember now.”

“What?”

“I was dreaming of Karen.”

“Karen? Henry’s wife?”

“Yes.”

“I thought you never met her?”

“I didn’t. At least, I don’t think I did.”

“So what happened?” I ask.

“I can’t remember. I guess something bad.”

“How did she die?”

“She killed herself.”

“Shit! Why?”

Mary yawns, her jaw popping. “Not sure how much is true, but rumour has it that Karen killed her newborn and then killed herself; postnatal depression more than likely. It was very misunderstood back then.” She leans up and drops a kiss on my cheek before rolling onto her side, pulling my arm around her waist.

She asleep in seconds, but for me, sleep is a long time coming.

My phone sits on my bedside table, silent and dead. I haven’t bothered to charge it. I’m not ready to speak to Liam yet. Instead, I work on Heather’s present. The twins turn five at the weekend. Mum and Jules have planned a day out to the nearest theme park for them. I said I would stay home and bake them a cake so we can have a little celebration when they get back. I wanted to give them something they could wear all the time, or most of the time. My box of goodies is open on my bed, filled with clear packets of charms and links, leather and clasps, beads and diamantes. Mum has promised to take me shopping soon to get some more stuff and Jules has promised to help me set up an Etsy store. I want to start selling custom-made creations.

I made Danny a friendship bracelet using leather strips of brown, black and gold. I plaited them neatly and added a horseshoe for luck. It looks beautiful.

Heather’s bracelet was a little harder, but the village gave me inspiration. I have created a chain of connected silver horseshoes. I hope she likes it. Horseshoes are a lucky charm after all; I looked it up.

The sun is streaming into my room, cutting across my bed and illuminating the horseshoe bracelet, throwing sparks of light around the room. I lift it and turn it over and the lights dance like a disco ball.

A shadow flits past in the periphery of my vision. I whip round to look. There’s nothing but the old battered dresser and mirror. I turn my attention back to the bracelet and there it is again. I turn in time to catch it, a shadow in the mirror. It is gone so quickly that I am left wondering what I saw.

I slip off the bed, still clutching the bracelet and move across the floor to the dresser. There is a small ottoman, which doesn’t really match the dresser, and I park my backside on it and stare into the mirror, stare into my own green eyes. My hair is a mess. I reach up to touch it and my reflection does the same. There is a dark spot above my eyebrow. I rub at it. It doesn’t budge. I reach out to touch the smudge on the mirror, the bracelet still dangling from my hand. My fingers make contact and there is a snap. I pull my hand back and stare at the huge crack in the mirror.

The mirror is gone. Jules took it away. She asked me how it broke and I told her I just touched it. I don’t think she believed me. I’m not sure I believe me. I mean, how the hell? It doesn’t make any sense. So, I stop worrying about it.

The dresser looks strange, bare without the mirror, but I can’t help but feel as if it makes the room feel lighter somehow.

I finish uploading pictures of my latest creations onto my blog and then pick up my mobile phone and plug it in. I’m ready to speak to Liam now. I need to hear his voice, to hear the truth or lies in his tone.

He picks up on the third ring.

“Hey, Gemma.”

For a moment I am speechless, hearing his voice after all these weeks. It’s like a blow to my heart.

“Gemma? You there?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m here.”

“I’m so glad you called. I wanted to speak to you about something.”

And here it is, but I find I don’t want him to say it, that I need to get in there first. “I know. Beth told me.”

“Beth? Beth told you? I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, she saw you. In Costa, with Jessica.”

There is a long silence in which I can almost hear the cogs in his brain turning.

“She told you I was with Jessica and you thought it was a date?”

He sounds so incredulous that hope blooms in my chest.

“Well, I… Wasn’t it?”

“Shit, no! I went in to get a cappuccino and she was there. She asked me to sit with her, so I did, that’s all. It was fifteen minutes, maybe half hour. I can’t believe you’d think that I would… After you told me that you liked me!”

I feel really stupid now. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you should be, especially since I spent that time in Costa telling Jessica I couldn’t tutor her anymore because I was going to visit my girlfriend in Learmonth.”

Girlfriend? Me? I want to jump up and down squealing with joy, but instead I catch my lower lip between my teeth and take a moment to do an internal jig.

“Girlfriend, eh?”

“Is that okay?” He sounds suddenly insecure.

“It’s okay.”

“So see you on Saturday?”

In the excitement of being suddenly promoted to girlfriend, I’d almost missed the fact that he’d said he was coming to see me.

“Gemma? Is that okay? Can I come see you?”

“Yes! Yes please!”

He laughs and so do I.

“So, see you then. Call me when you get to the village and I’ll come down and meet you.”

“No need. I’m sure I can find the house on the hill. If not, I’ll call you.”

“Okay. See ya.”

I press the end call button and stare at my phone.

Mum is going to be pissed. She knows Liam’s my best friend, but she doesn’t like it too much. I know this and I don’t care. Once Liam is here she can hardly tell him to get lost, can she? There’s also the added bonus of Saturday being the twins’ birthday. Hopefully Liam will arrive when they’re out so I’ll get some time alone with him. Excitement bubbles in my chest and there is no way I can sit still now. Two sleeps to go. I feel like a kid leading up to Christmas.

I am heading out the door, eager to get rid of all this pent up energy, when Danny appears out of nowhere and rugby tackles my legs.

“Whoa!” I grab hold of his shoulders and push him back slightly. “What’s the matter?”

He looks up with tear-filled eyes. “Heather’s being mean.”

I sigh. This has become common place of late and, to be honest, I don’t understand it. Mum and Jules say it’s a phase. I hope it passes quickly because I miss the twins the way they used to be, together, happy, each other’s best friend. I resolve to have a sit down with Heather as soon as possible. In the meantime, I have a miserable little boy in desperate need of cheering up. I glance out the window. The sky is clear blue, not a cloud in sight. It’s a beautiful day.

“Go have a wee and then get your trainers and coat on. We’re going for a walk.”

His face brightens. “Yay!” He rushes off to do as he’s told.

I slip my coat and trainers on and wait by the door.

He is back in less than five minutes, clutching Buster.

“Okay, you two adventurers ready?”

He nods vigorously.

“Let’s go.” I take his hand and open the door before stepping out into the cool air.

“I don’t like it.” Danny snuggles close, wrapping his arms around my hips.

“Why? It’s just a tree.”

“It’s a mean tree.”

“A mean tree?” I ruffle his head. Kids and their imaginations. I cock my head and study the tree, trying to see it the way he does. I crouch and look at it again. From this vantage point it seems huge, a towering, menacing thing. The hole looks like a twisted mouth waiting to devour. Danny is watching me and I turn to him and tweak his nose. “Okay, it is kinda mean-looking. You tired?”

He shakes his head.

“Let’s go.” I stand and take his hand again before setting off toward the spot Sam showed me a few days before.

“Hey!”

I glance over my shoulder to see Sam striding toward us. Where did he come from? It’s as if thinking about him has summoned him. I suppress a shiver. Danny squeezes my hand tight and tugs.

I look down at him and smile reassuringly. “Don’t worry, Danny. This is Sam. He’s a friend.”

Danny shakes his head.

“You headed to the spot?” Sam asks. He winks at Danny, who hides behind me.

“Yeah.”

“Mind if I tag along?”

“That depends. Are you going to be annoyingly elusive?”

He laughs. “Sorry about that.”

I quirk a brow.

“Okay, I will do my best not to be annoyingly elusive.”

“In that case you can tag along. Ow!” I frown down at Danny who has squeezed my hand painfully hard.

He looks up at me innocently.

“Is this your brother?” Sam steps forward and crouches so he is at eye level with Danny. “Hi. I’m Sam. Nice to meet you.” He holds out his hand.

I nudge Danny. After a long moment, he steps out from behind me and shakes Sam’s hand.

Sam’s face breaks into a grin and it is as if the sun has come out. Danny smiles, a small, shy smile. His grip on my hand loosens.

We’re almost at the spot when Sam veers to the left and leads us onto a new trail.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“To the beach.”

Danny looks up at me, his face alight with excitement. I grin down at him and we pick up the pace.

We break through the trees onto sand, and the sea is there before us in glorious greys and blues. There is a flight of worn steps leading down to the beach. The railing looks fragile and Sam warns us to stick to the rock face.

I keep a hand on Danny’s collar as we make our way down. The air is tangy and briny and fresh and I take deep breaths. I can imagine how rosy my cheeks must be from the brisk air. As soon as Danny’s feet kiss the ground he is off, arms out like an airplane with Buster dangling off one wing. He zooms across the sand.

Sam jerks his head in a ‘come on’ gesture. Raising his arms, he whizzes off after Danny. There is little to do but follow suit.

The air takes my breath away and I am laughing. I throw back my head, revelling in the freedom of this moment.

“Gemma!” Danny calls.

I slip instantly from carefree child mode to big sister mode.

Danny is down clutching his knee. I break into a run again, but Sam gets to him first.

For a moment they are one, bent together, twisted like the tree, and then I am there, kneeling beside them.

“You okay?”

Danny clutches his knee and nods.

“Probably a graze,” Sam says.

Danny is glancing about as if looking for something.

“Danny? What are you looking for?” I ask.

“The little girl.”

I glance around. The beach is deserted, except for us. “There’s no one else here.”

He looks at me almost pityingly. “You can’t see her.”

“Oh really? And why is that?”

“Because she doesn’t want you to.”

I glance at Sam who shrugs his shoulders. I decide to let it be. Maybe Danny thinks it’s time he had his own imaginary friend. Based on how Heather has been behaving of late, I don’t blame him.

“Come on, mate. How’s about I show you how to skim stones? A calm, flat surface is always easier, but doing it this way is more of a challenge – which is more fun.”

I pull Danny to his feet and we watch as Sam picks a stone for himself and one for Danny. He approaches the shore, stands slightly sideways on, and launches the stone across the sea. I count; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and then nothing.

“Wow! I’m impressed.”

He hands the other stone to Danny who screws up his face and launches the stone into the sea with a plop. “Shit!”

“Danny!”

He hides his face behind Buster and I struggle not to laugh.

“It’s okay, mate. At least you got it to land in the sea. My first time I didn’t even make it that far. All you need is practice. Now you’re living by the sea you can practice whenever you want.”

It’s getting decidedly cooler and I pull my coat tighter around me. “I think we should head back. It’s getting late.”

We walk back toward the stairs and I am already three steps up when I realise that Sam is not coming. I look down at him quizzically, but he’s staring off into the distance.

“Sam?”

“There’s a storm coming. I think I’ll stay awhile.”

“Um, okay. I guess I’ll see you, then.” I wait a moment to give him the opportunity to offer me his mobile number or something, but he simply smiles, pats the railing and backs up with a little salute. I watch as he zips up his jacket and turns back to the sea.

When Danny starts whining that he’s tired, I force myself to climb the steps away from Sam.