Hawthorn (2 page)

No one chose the room with the armoire.

I’m in the room between Danny and Heather on the opposite side of the corridor.

Mum thought it would be a good idea. I didn’t object. It’s huge compared to my room in our old house. I have a double bed and a flat screen television, which we brought with us, a large wardrobe and a dressing table with a faded mirror which was left by my great uncle; the previous owner of the house. It overlooks the sea. I can see the woods that lead to the beach, the cliff that will have steps that wind down to the shore. My feet itch to take a walk, but I know there will be no escaping until mum has the house just as she likes it. The sky is red when I close the curtains.

Mum says once we’re settled I can go furniture shopping. It’s a peace offering and I take it because I do need some stuff; maybe a rug? The floor is polished hardwood up here as well and it’s gonna get cold in the winter. It’s late and I still have tons of unpacking to do, but I don’t care, the internet is up and running. I have my laptop open and am logging on to Facebook as fast as my fingers can type.

I have eight messages. I scan to see who’s online and my heart gives a little skip when I see the green dot next to Liam’s name. I’m staring at it wondering if it’s too desperate to message him straight off, but then the memory of that giggle resurfaces and I know I have to speak to him. He’s the only one who understands, who doesn’t think I’m nuts.

I touch the keys and a box appears. It’s Liam. He’s sent me a smiley face.

I smile in return then feel stupid ‘cos it’s not like he can see me.

Hey, how you doin?

Good. The house?

Creepy.

Really? Can I come visit?

My heart does that skip thing again.

Course you can. Let me just go ask mum if I can have a boy to stay over. Lol Lol. But I’m not just any boy, I’m your best mate.

He has no idea.

I send him a smiley face because I’m not sure how to reply without giving my feelings away.

Beth’s dating Ben.

I frown. Why’s he telling me this? Why would I care? And then I remember the lie. I told him I fancied Ben to throw him off. It’s stupid really. I went through this really paranoid phase thinking that Liam knew how I felt about him. I thought he was avoiding me because he didn’t feel the same way, things got awkward and then I just blurted it out one day and then he told me that his mum and dad were splitting up. I could have slapped myself for being so stupid and self-absorbed. If I’d paid more attention maybe I would have seen how upset he was. Anyway, now he thinks I have a thing for Ben. He thinks I’ll be upset. I should pretend to be upset, but something comes over me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that my adrenaline is still high from the spook I had earlier today, or if it’s the thirty miles separating us, but, I think, what the heck.

I type.

I don’t care. I never liked Ben.

There is a long pause as if he is measuring my words and then.

Oh.

Yeah. I lied.

Why?

Because I didn’t want you to know the truth ?

I like you…more than just a friend.

There is a pause, so long that I begin to panic. I gnaw on my lip, I bite my cuticles and I think fuckfuckfuck, and then…

Smiley face.

My heart is in my mouth. I can’t believe it, but it only gets better.

I’m coming to see you.

What?

I don’t care. Just tell your mum I’ll be there in the morning. I want to tell you… I want to tell you to your face.

I want to see him so bad that I think of suggesting Skype, but I don’t. I want to see him, in the flesh for real.

We sign off and I close my laptop, not bothering to read the other messages. I get into bed and pull the covers up before turning off my bedside lamp. It’s only when I’m drifting off to sleep that I remember why I wanted to speak to Liam so badly. I remember the giggle, but it seems so far away now. Probably a trick of the mind. Yeah. My imagination. I drift off to sleep.

I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep when something wakes me. I don’t know what, and I lay there under the warm cosy duvet staring into the darkness. My heart is pounding real hard as if I’ve been running. I lie real still and listen, but there is nothing but silence.

Stupid, probably had a weird dream, can’t remember it now, but it probably woke me up. I roll onto my side and close my eyes.

THUD!

I bolt upright and out of bed. Before I register what I am doing, I’m in a crouch.

My door handle rattles.

I freeze.

It turns and the door swings open with a creak.

Heather shuffles in, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

I realise I am holding my breath and let it out in a rush.

“Hey, Hev. Come here.” I hold out my arms and she stumbles into them. We climb into my bed and I pull the duvet up, tucking it around us. She snuggles into me.

“You have a bad dream?”

She shakes her head. “Was having a nice dream, but the little girl woke me. She wouldn’t stop talking.” She yawns and closes her eyes.

My scalp prickles. “What little girl?”

“In the mirror.”

I look down at her, but her eyes are closed, she is already asleep. For me, sleep is a long time coming.

I wake up in the morning to chilly thighs and abdomen. The covers are thrown to the side and the sun’s rays haven’t reached the bed yet. I stare at the ceiling and it all comes back, Heather and her silly dream and Liam… Liam is coming today! I jump out of bed, not caring about the cold floor as it seeps into my feet. I grab my robe and pull it on and then I yank my mobile off charge to check the time and check for messages.

It’s almost half ten and I have four messages, all from Liam. As I read them, my heart sinks further and further until it is sitting in the soles of my feet.

I want to chuck my phone across the room, but I hold onto it and re-read the messages just in case I missed something the first time, just in case I misread them, but no, I haven’t. The messages are clear. Liam is not coming. Apparently his mum has gone and set him up with summer tutoring, not for him to be tutored, but for him to tutor someone else. That’s not so bad because Liam could do with the cash and he is super intelligent. That’s not the bad part. The bad part is the person he will be tutoring.

I feel sick when I think about it.

Jessica James. Jess James, the slut. Well, she’s not really a slut, but I hate her on principle anyway. She broke up with her boyfriend Matt just before the summer holidays, but she’d been making doe eyes at Liam for weeks before that. I’m surprised it took so long for her to notice him ‘cos Liam has the whole geek chic thing going and he’s super pale ‘cos he spends so much time indoors studying, building stuff and tutoring, so he totally has that whole Edward Cullen vibe. I sigh and flop back onto my bed. There’s no point getting up now. Liam will start tutoring Jessica and fall madly in love with her and forget all about me. They’ll get married and have super cute and intelligent babies.

The more I think about it the more I want to scream. So I do. I grab my pillow and bury my face in it before letting out a muffled scream.

“Gemma?”

I resurface and push tendrils of hair out of my face.

“Hey, Danny. What’s up, dude?”

He cocks his head. “Why are you upset?”

I point at the pillow. “What? This? Nah! Was just showing the pillow who’s boss, that’s all.”

He frowns. “Okay. Mum said breakfast won’t eat itself. She wants you to go to the village and get some shopping.” He swings Buster by the arm.

Great, my day just went from bad to worse. The last thing I want to do is go into the village and be gawped at. It’ll be bad enough once I start college next term. I was hoping to maintain a sense of mystery, you know, do the whole house on the hill mysterious owners thing, get them all talking down in the village then show up first day of term all ethereal and gorgeous and blow them all away with my wit, charm and intelligence.

“Gemma? Are you okay? Your face’s gone all funny.”

I snap my mouth closed and grin at him; a wide, I’m-gonna-eat-you-all-up, grin.

His eyes widen and he is off, but I am hot on his tail.

We enter the kitchen in a whirlwind of squeals and giggles. I have Danny under my arm and swing him up, plopping him into his seat. Heather giggles, holding up her arms.

“Me too!”

I pick her up and whirl her around before plopping her back in her seat.

Mum shakes her head and brings over a plate of scrambled eggs, placing it on the table. She has done a whole spread; eggs, bacon, toast and beans, no wonder she needs me to go shopping.

Jules is already tucking in. She winks at me and I take the seat next to her.

“Sleep well?” she asks.

“Yeah, thanks.” I don’t bother going into details about my little visitor. Mum hates it when the kids get into bed with me. She thinks they’re too old for that. I think you’re never too old for a cuddle. I reach over and ruffle Danny’s blonde hair. I know we shouldn’t have favourites, but there is something about Danny that just draws me. Ever since he was a baby he’s been my favourite. Maybe it’s because he’s so quiet, so introspective. Sometimes I think there is so much he wants to say and he’s storing it up for the right moment. I want to be there to hear it. I want to hear it all because I feel that when Danny does open up it will be special. Gosh, I sound like a terrible sister! Of course I love Heather too, so much, but she is a whirlwind, a little madam who knows how to put you in your place. In fact, I was surprised she came into my room last night. She’s usually a good sleeper and even when she has a bad dream she rolls back over and goes to sleep.

“Was having a nice dream but the little girl woke me. She wouldn’t stop talking.”

It was a dream, though. She was still dreaming when she said it. The idea of ghosts creeps into my mind, but I push it away because believing in ghosts is like believing in the voices.

“Honey? You okay?” Mum asks.

I realise I have been staring at Heather for a long time. She sticks her tongue out at me.

“Heather!” Jules says.

I tuck into my breakfast.

“Mum says we can play outside in the garden if we don’t go into the trees,” I say.

Heather looks up from her colouring book and shakes her head. “I want to colour.”

“Okay.” I shrug. “I’ll get my book.”

She looks at me with her cross face “No. I want to colour by myself.”

I don’t understand why she’s being mean. I wait for her to say she’s joking, but she ignores me and this makes me cross.

“Why can’t I colour with you?” We always colour together. It’s the way it is. I don’t understand why she’s being like this. I don’t like it.

She puts down her crayon and does her cross face again. “Go away, Danny. Go play by yourself. I want to play with Elsa.”

I roll my eyes. She has made me watch that film so many times I know all the songs. I don’t tell her that I like it, though. I pretend I’m only watching it to make her happy.

“Elsa is a cartoon,” I say.

“No she’s not! Elsa is real and she’s a princess and she says I can be a princess too, so go away!” This time she gets up and rushes over. She pushes me hard so it hurts my chest. I fall back on my bum and she slams the door.

I stare at it for a long time. My eyes burn and then I burst into tears.

There is so much to do, so many boxes to unpack. I can’t imagine we will ever be settled. I alternate between being pissed off at Mary’s uncle for dying and leaving us this place, and grateful that it’s taken us out of the city and into the country. I’m a country girl at heart and always felt suffocated in the city. This is ideal. Once we’re settled we can start to enjoy it. I’m lugging another box up the stairs when I hear the sobs. They are stifled, but I recognise them. I put the box down on the landing and go in search of the sobbing twin.

I find a lump under Gemma’s duvet which I assume is Danny from the Buster ears sticking out of the mass. It’s funny how he gravitates toward her every time he’s upset. Even though she’s not here, he seeks out her room, her personal space, so he can feel close to her.

I sit on the edge of the bed and place my hand on the lump.

The sobs stop, and I hear a sniff.

“Gemma?” He peeks out of the duvet and then starts to sob afresh when he see’s it’s me.

“Gemma’s gone into town, buddy. What’s up? You can tell me.”

He sniffs. “Heather won’t play with me. She pushed me and made me fall over and she shut her door and won’t let me in.”

I feel a stab of annoyance toward Heather. She’s Mary’s favourite, even though Mary will never admit it. It’s evident in all the little trinkets and bows she picks up for her when we’re out. Either Gemma or I have to remind her to grab something for Danny. If Heather had a nightmare, I’m sure Mary wouldn’t send her back to her room.

I can’t force Heather to play with Danny if she doesn’t want to, but I can certainly speak to her about the pushing. Maybe Mary is right, maybe Danny needs some time with other children aside from Heather. I look at his tear-stained face. I can’t imagine how much it must hurt to be rejected by the person you love the most, the person you share everything with.

“Listen, why don’t you go and help mum in the kitchen? I’m sure she can use some big boy help putting away all the pots and pans. When you’re done we’ll have a kick about in the garden. How’s that?”

He wipes at his face and nods before crawling out from under the covers and onto my lap. He wraps his arms around my neck and buries his face in the crook of my shoulder. I blink back tears. I can’t help it. These kids have got my heart so completely it’s crazy. I don’t know what I would do if Mary ever decided she’d had enough of me. I’m honestly not sure who I would miss more, her or the kids.

I’m outside Heather’s door preparing my speech when I hear her voice. I lean in. She is talking to herself, although I can’t make out the words. I shake my head, smiling to myself. I can only imagine what Mary’s reaction will be if she finds out that Heather has an imaginary friend, but it’s perfectly normal in kids her age. I decide to save the talk for another day. I’m about to leave it, to walk away, when I hear the other voice. Scratchy and husky and no way could it be Heather. There is someone in there with her. My hand goes to the door handle, but I don’t turn it. I tell myself I am waiting, and then I hear Heather’s voice, light and breezy and unconcerned and I release the doorknob. She’s playing, of course, making voices. There is no one else in there with her. I turn and walk away, ignoring the squirming in my stomach, ignoring the fact that when I heard that voice my veins were filled with ice.

I was afraid.

I find Mary unpacking more boxes in the kitchen. “I think Heather has an imaginary friend.” I say it lightly, expecting an outburst.

Mary sighs. “Oh well.”

“I thought you’d be more upset.”

Mary shrugs. “It’ll pass. Gemma had one too for a while.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she was about three I think. It lasted almost a year and then she just stopped talking about him.”

I grab a box and start pulling out glasses and mugs. “Danny’s feeling a little left out I think. Heather pushed him today. He was really upset.”

Mary yawns. “I’ll have a chat with her. It’ll be okay. It’s just a phase, love. Trust me.”