Having Her: Lies We Tell, Book 2 (31 page)

Jesus, this was crazy. Their whole relationship was crazy. So screwed up and wrong. And yet that didn’t stop him from clawing his jeans open and reaching for the hot, wet heat between her thighs. Thrusting so hard inside her she cried out, her mouth leaving his, her head going back against the wall, her body arching in his arms.

He pinned her to the wall with his body, bracing himself with hands slapped to the plaster on either side of her head.

She was panting, gasping for breath, golden skin flushed with anger and arousal.

Vin thrust hard, deep, a rhythm that drew gasps from her with each movement. But she didn’t soften, didn’t lean back and take it. She arched up, her hips moving in time with his, riding him. Her furious dark gaze met his, held it.

“Coward,” she said in a thick, harsh voice. “You fucking coward.”

And through the pleasure and the anger battling for dominance inside him, he felt inexplicable pain strike home.

She’s right. You are a coward.

But he didn’t want to face that, didn’t want to think about it, not when her body was wrapped around his, her pussy gripping his cock like it never wanted to let him go. So he lowered his mouth to hers, stopping her from talking, hungry and desperate and wanting the ache in his heart just to fucking stop hurting.

Her mouth was hot, tasting of anger and pain, and as their movements became faster and faster, pleasure overriding everything, at the last minute she pulled back.

And just as the orgasm exploded in his head, turning him inside out, she whispered, “I love you.”

Chapter Fifteen

Kara was shaking with anger as she stormed back into her apartment, slamming the door behind her. She could still hear the roar of the Corvette as Vin pulled away from his house mere seconds after pulling away from her. Leaving her panting and trembling from the sex they’d just had. He hadn’t said a word, just gone and left her standing there. She’d had to call a taxi to get back into town, but that wasn’t what had made her angry. Neither was it the fact that that he’d left seconds after she’d told him she loved him.

What she was absolutely fucking furious about was the fact that he’d dragged her dreams from her, made her acknowledge them for the first time in her life, and then told her she couldn’t have them. Well, not the manga artist one, the one about being loved.

The coward. The fucking Neanderthal bastard prick coward.

Kara flung her bag onto the floor of the lounge then began to pace up and down the length of the small room, fury burning like a petrol-soaked fire in her veins.

So was this the way it would be? Him giving her everything she’d always wanted and yet withholding the one thing she wanted most? And expecting her to be happy with it? After telling her she needed to aim higher? That she needed to want more?

She stopped beside the coffee table, struggling with the rage that stuck in her throat.

A lot of mail had been stacked into a neat pile on the table, waiting for either Vin or her to get to it. And beneath a garish scatter of junk mail, a long white envelope rested.

A familiar white envelope with
Return to Sender
written in block capitals and red pen across the top of it. An old pain caught at Kara, a sharp jab like standing on a piece of glass.

It was the letter she’d posted to her mother, telling her about the baby. Sent back. Unopened.

She stared at it. Great. So her mother wouldn’t know about her own grandchild because she’d done her usual thing and not opened the bloody letter. Rejected yet again. Why did she keep sending these things out? Why did she keep hoping for more?

She’d even once sent one addressed to Rose and Liam but that had been sent back too. She hadn’t tried it again—rejection from her mother was one thing but rejection from her siblings, whom she’d taken care of for so long, had been too much to bear.

Kara bent and picked up the envelope, holding it. And found herself staring at her reflection in the battered old mirror she’d hung on the wall opposite.

A young woman looked back. A woman with piercings and purple dye streaking her hair. A woman with a collar around her neck and a padlock that said
mine.
A woman who wore weird clothes and got off on being ordered around by a man who called her his slave.

A woman as far from normal as it was possible to get.

A woman who had been happy.

And it struck her then, like a wrecking ball straight to her stomach, that yes, the past three weeks living with Vin, she
had
been happy.

Tears filled her eyes but this time she didn’t blink them back. She held her mother’s letter and stared at herself in the mirror. Saw herself, really
saw
.

Piercings and dye. Contacts and razor scars. Collars and Leia costumes. Fucked up, screwed up, so not normal. But this was Kara. This woman was who she was. A woman who’d been through pain and guilt and anguish and come out the other end strong. A survivor.

A woman who deserved more than a
Return to Sender
letter in the mail.

A woman who finally realized what she wanted. And then had the strength to ask for it.

A woman who demanded love.

Kara looked down at the envelope in her hands, adrenaline surging like a tide through her.

“Fuck you, Mum,” she said hoarsely. Then she ripped the envelope in half and in half again, ripping and ripping until the letter was nothing but a handful of little white squares.

Then she threw the bits of into the air, a weird kind of release singing through her as she watched the remains of the letter settle on the furniture and the floor like snow.

There would be no more letters. Not from her. Not anymore. She didn’t need her mother’s acceptance. She accepted herself and that was enough. More than enough.

The front door of the apartment slammed and she looked up to see Vin coming to stand in the doorway. The expression on his face was hard, his posture tight with tension.

“I’m sorry,” he said flatly. “I didn’t mean to leave you like that.” His gaze flickered around the room, clearly noticing the scattered white remains of her mother’s letter. “What happened?”

Calm descended on her. “I wrote a letter for my mother. I wanted to tell her about the baby. I mean, it’s her grandchild so I thought she should know. But it came back unopened. The usual
Return to Sender
job.”

He did another scan of the room. “You tore it up?”

“Yeah. I don’t need her approval anymore.”

Slowly, his gaze came to hers. “You never did.”

“No. And I don’t need yours either.”

Something changed in his face, a lightning flicker of emotion. “Kara—”

“Where the hell did you go?” she demanded. “You screwed me up against a wall and basically buggered off.”

Vin shifted on his feet, ran a hand through his dark hair. “I’m sorry. I wanted…” He stopped then said, “There’s something I wanted to give you. Call it an early wedding present if you want.”

“What?”

Vin eased away from the doorframe and came into the room, pulling something from the back pocket of his jeans as he did so. A long wallet full of paper. He crossed over to the coffee table and put it down, flipping it open as he did so.

It looked like an itinerary. There were flights on it, a hotel. And information on one of Tokyo’s largest anime conventions.

She stared at it. Her name was in the flight information. “What’s this?”

“Flights to Tokyo. A hotel booking. And…” He hesitated. “A meeting with your favorite manga artist. She’s going to be at that convention.”

“What the hell? This is for me?”

“Yeah. Like I said, an early wedding present. A honeymoon if you like. Except that I can’t come with you, not with Lillian being the way she is at the moment. And there’s some business stuff I have to take care of. But there’s no reason you can’t go without me.”

Kara looked down at it then back at him. Yet again, Vin had done something for her. Something that six weeks ago she wouldn’t have been able to accept because she wouldn’t have let herself have something so amazing.

Well, she wasn’t going to let herself now either. Because it wasn’t what she wanted.

If she was going to finally accept the person she was, weird shit and all, then she also needed to accept what she wanted. And not just accept but ask for it.

She’d never asked for anything for herself in all her life.

Maybe it was about fucking time she did.

“I tell you I love you and you give me tickets to Tokyo?”

The perfect lines of his features hardened. “I’ve been planning this a while, with Ellie. But now seemed like a good time to give it to you.”

“Why? As an apology? A consolation prize?”

“I said I was sorry. And I wanted to make it right between us.”

“Because nothing says I care like air tickets?”

Lines of tension bracketed his mouth. “Jesus, Kara. I don’t know what the hell else you expected me to say.”

“Oh, I don’t know, how about you love me and you can’t live without me?” She folded her arms. “Certainly I expected more than you fucking off in your Corvette like a kid having a tantrum.”

“I didn’t want you to fall in love with me. I didn’t ask for it.”

“Who the hell cares what you did or didn’t want? That’s what happened and I’m not making any apologies for it.” Something had changed inside her, a strength she never knew she had flowing through her. She met his dark blue gaze, unflinching.

“I’ve got nothing to give you in return. You know that, Kara. I told you.”

“Nice excuse, Vin. Got anymore where those came from?”

Vin cursed, shoving a hand through his dark hair. “It’s not an excuse. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, okay?”

Kara lifted her chin. “That’s not good enough. Not anymore.”

The line of his jaw hardened even further. “I can’t give you love, Kara.”

“
Won’t
give me love, you mean.”

“Can’t. Won’t. Does it matter? Love was never supposed to be a part of this.”

No, it wasn’t. But it should have been. “Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

She took a few steps toward him, looking up into his eyes. “You love Ellie. Why can’t you love me?”

“Ellie’s my goddamned sister!”

“And I’m going to be your goddamned wife. So what’s going on, Vincent? Am I too weird for you? Is that what the problem is? Am I too screwed up? Too much baggage for you to deal with?” She got closer, right up close. “Kara the cutter too much for you to handle?”

Anger flared across his face. “No, fuck, that’s not it!”

“Then what?” She was shaking but it wasn’t with fear, it was with rage. “Because I love you, Vin Fox,” saying it out loud again because she was going to own this damn emotion whether he wanted her to or not. “And I want to marry you and have your child, and become the best damn manga artist in the world. But if you haven’t got the guts to love me in return then the least you can do is giving me a fucking explanation as to why not!”

Steel blue flared in his eyes. “I don’t have to give you anything.”

“So that’s the answer you’re going to give our child? When he or she asks why Daddy doesn’t ever tell Mummy he loves her?”

A dangerous tension filled the air around him. “Our relationship has nothing to do with our kid.”

“Bullshit it hasn’t! I want the child to grow up seeing their parents in love. Seeing what an adult relationship can be. And I want them to grow up wanting that for themselves. To not settle for less.” Her voice cracked. “Not settle like I’ve been doing my whole damn life!”

Vin held her gaze for a long moment, the tension pulling agonizingly tight. Then he turned abruptly, moving away from her toward the window in a sharp, restless movement. “I can’t do this, Kara.” The words sounded dragged out of him. “I don’t want to do this. I can’t love someone else. I’m so fucking tired of caring. Of worrying. Of being afraid I’ll make a mistake and screw up and fail. Of hurting someone. All the love I had, I gave to Ellie. I don’t have anything left for anyone else.”

She could hear the exhaustion in his voice. She knew how tired he was. And of course she was just adding to the responsibilities he had. Six weeks ago that would have consumed her with self-loathing. But not today.

“That’s crap, Vin. Love isn’t a finite resource. You can’t use it all up. That’s the world’s stupidest excuse and you know it. You’re just letting fear make your choices for you.”

Slowly he turned and the look on his face was as bone weary as she’d ever seen it. “You know what? I don’t give a shit who’s making my choices for me. The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not giving anyone else a piece of me ever again.”

“And what about the baby? Does our child not deserve a piece of you? Or is it only me you don’t want to give it to?”

A flash of what looked like pain flickered in his eyes. Then it was gone. “This isn’t about the baby. This is about you and me.”

Pain settled around her heart. Pain for him and for herself. For the decision she’d already made. But she was used to pain, she could handle it. She was stronger than she’d ever thought possible.