Haunted Heart (9 page)

“Hey!” What a rude awakening. Duncan growled. “You’re fired.”

“Yes, yes, what else is new?” She waved a dismissive hand about. Then a wicked gleam rose in her eyes. “So, come on, boss man. Dish out all the details. Leave nothing out.”

Duncan harrumphed. “Buzz off. You want thrills? Go read an erotic romance novel, will you?”

Maggie laughed, sitting down in front of his desk. “Now I know you’re keeping stuff from me. And you know I’ll get it out of you, one way or another. Might as well cave now.”

Even a murderous glare didn’t work, Duncan noted with some dismay. Not serious, of course, since Maggie was one of his closest friends and confidants. “Didn’t you just order me to get to work? When did this place turn into a gossip mill?”

“You look so dazed and happy, Duncan. I like it. The sex must be good.”

“We’re not having sex.”

Maggie’s eyes widened. “Beg your pardon?”

Duncan sighed. “I said we’re not having sex. We’re….” He shrugged with a nonchalance he didn’t feel. “We’re getting to know each other. Taking it nice and slow.”

For a while it was eerily quiet. Duncan was staring down at the pen in his hands, the one he toyed with while avoiding Maggie’s all-knowing, womanly gaze. “Wow, that’s, um…,” she started quietly, clearly baffled. “That’s cute, I guess. Different, for sure. You’ve always gone after what you wanted before, no-holds-barred.”

“I know.” Admitting this to Maggie was hard for Duncan since she knew his dating and sexual history pretty well. Not because she butted in his personal business but because she was his friend. Talking about the change seemed odd all of a sudden, even though he rationally knew she would never be judgmental, but simply surprised. Was he really afraid of her reactions? That made no sense.

He shook his head in frustration and raked fingers through his hair. “It’s stupid. No, that’s not what I mean. It’s just…. We kiss a little, make out, but mostly we talk. I know a lot about him. Ruben doesn’t watch TV, not local or global news, and he barely listens to the radio unless there’s some soothing blues or repetitive trance music coming. He eats like a bird, but he likes to cook and bake. He’s fanatical about washing his hands after everything he does. He’s skittish and sweet and so very isolated.”

“Um, okay.” Maggie frowned and worried her lower lip. “Would you want things to go faster?”

“Yes. No. Yes. No. I don’t know.” Duncan banged his forehead on the desk, not hard enough to really hurt, but enough to sting. “It’s just confusing, you know. I mean, I promised him all the time in the world. That we’d take this at his space.” Sighing into the papers he was leaning on, he finally whispered, “He’s a virgin.”

“Holy shit!” Duncan heard Maggie clap a hand over her mouth. “Sorry.”

Duncan wasn’t sure if he could or should speak about what had happened to Ruben, though, since it wasn’t his secret to reveal, not even to his best friend. “He had a really whopping bad experience in the past, and he hasn’t gotten over that. When we kissed, it was his first time.”

“Fuck, Duncan.” Maggie rarely cursed, so she must have been truly concerned. “This is big. This is serious.” Different from all his previous short-term affairs, Duncan finished the thought in his head.

“I know.” He probably sounded whiny, and to punish himself he banged his head on the desk a few more times for emphasis. “The thing is… Ruben’s beginning to mean a whole lot to me. A lot a lot. But… I don’t know if I want him as a lover—or as someone to protect. I mean, he’s young and inexperienced, shy and scared. I’m older, I have a job, a career, responsibilities. How could we ever be equal partners in a relationship? Or would it always be like… like a guardian with his protégé?”

“Jesus, Duncan.” The reproach was clear in Maggie’s voice, and Duncan wanted to bury his head in the sand. Probably the rest of him too, in shame. “He’s not your ward or your kid!”

After a long exhale, Duncan straightened up and faced Maggie’s hard stare. “Yes, I’m well aware of that.” He tried to sort out his thoughts as they fired up, one after another, all trying to get his attention at once. But it was his heart that spoke the loudest. “I think I’m falling for him.”

Maggie didn’t need to say anything out loud. The L-word was not one Duncan had ever even hinted at with his prior cavalcade of men. He’d been with loads of guys. None of them had lasted once the initial thrill had faded. The fault was his as well as theirs. He hadn’t felt the need to make a commitment, and neither had they. Duncan had never wanted to fall in love. He had never believed loving would change a relationship from the lust-filled haze. Now he knew love deepened everything, laid down roots, built foundations, and so on. But it was true he had never sought love for its own sake, never dreamed only of it.

Sure, he worked for a romance publisher. That didn’t mean he was prone to the whole lovey-dovey way of thinking. He could appreciate the genre, even value the hopeful messages these stories sent about romance, erotica, sensuality, and love eternal. But Duncan had never felt lacking of anything when he thought about his sex life.

Now, however, the difference was staring him in the face—if he only dared to face it back. His past guys were just that. Past. Ruben was, exactly as Duncan had said, incandescent. Ruben was timid but radiant, shy but smart, in hiding but so gifted.

Duncan felt responsible for Ruben now that he had promised the boy all but the sun and the moon from the sky. He had given the young man hope of this becoming something between them. He couldn’t back out now—even if he had doubts.

“What am I going to do, Mags?” he asked, praying she had definitive answers.

Maggie let out a mirthless, short chuckle. “You know what to do already, Duncan. It’s your everyday policy, the backbone of your ethical code.” She rose from the seat and gave him a weak but encouraging smile. “Be honest with him. If he has fears, he should be able to understand yours.”

Duncan watched her leave the room. She was right. If he were honest with Ruben, it should all work out. Right?

“M
MM
.”

The moment Ruben opened the door for him, Duncan leaned in to steal a quick kiss from his lips. Ruben blushed, but his tentative smile brightened with every second that passed, and Duncan knew the gesture had been welcome.

“Hi. Please, come in.” Ruben moved aside to let Duncan in.

Immediately, Duncan saw the lit fireplace in the sitting room, and he headed toward it. “Isn’t it too hot for a fire?” He also saw a blanket in front of the fireplace, a plate of finger foods, and a jug of juice, all laid out like a picnic. His heart warmed at the sight.

“It can get a bit chilly up here in the mountains, even in the summer.” Ruben plopped down on the blanket and looked up at Duncan coyly, waiting.

Duncan sat cross-legged so their knees brushed. “This was a great idea.” He eyed the assortment of easy dishes with a growing hunger. Bacon-wrapped potatoes, fried herbed almonds, grilled chicken bites with apricot-mustard sauce, ham and cheese filled baguette bits, asparagus and beef wraps with rice balls, vegetable sushi, chocolate chip brownies, and banana muffins. Even though the dishes were small in size, Duncan was sure he would burst apart if he ate all this. “Looks delicious.”

Ruben beamed. “I didn’t know what you liked, other than Italian, so I tried a bit of everything. I hope that’s okay.”

“Absolutely. Thank you, Ruben.” He thought a moment. “I have some wine in the car if you’d like. I was going to take it home, but I wouldn’t mind sharing.”

Ruben bit his bottom lip. “I… I don’t drink much. I don’t know what’s good. Wine, I mean.”

“Wanna try, maybe?”

Ruben shrugged. “Sure. I guess.”

It wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but Duncan decided to make sure they would only sip and taste the red wine, not get drunk. “I’ll go get it. Back in a bit.”

He rushed to the car, took the Northstar Cabernet Sauvignon bottle from the bag, and carried it inside. Duncan liked the wines from Columbia Valley, WA, and this particular cabernet held flavors of raspberry, cherry, and blackberry, with a hint of vanilla.

He walked into the house, dropped back down on the blanket, and took Ruben’s glass. “I hope you like this one. It’s one of my favorites.” He poured them each a few fingers worth.

Ruben eyed the drink warily, sloshing it about a bit. “Are you a… a connoisseur?”

“Of wine?” Duncan shook his head. “No, not really. I know what I like, though.” He added a wink to the statement and watched, rapt, as Ruben’s cheeks reddened.

Ruben ducked his head, his dark hair flipping down to hide his face, and he took a small sip from the wine. He smacked his lips together as he apparently rolled and tasted the liquid on his tongue. “Fruity.”

“Yes, it is.” Duncan was pleased Ruben had noticed. He may not have made the wine himself but he felt some pride at having chosen one that his companion enjoyed as well. To give them both time to savor the drink, he quieted and watched the flames play in the fireplace. “That’s a gas fireplace, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Ruben watched the lively fire with a dreamy expression. “It used to be a wood fireplace, but Rose replaced it after… well, so I wouldn’t need to go outside to chop wood.”

“That was very considerate of her. I wish I had met your grandmother.”

“She would have liked you a lot.” Ruben blinked upon saying that, as if unsure of his reception.

Duncan was over the moon hearing that. Considering how important Rose had been to Ruben, the statement mattered even more. “I’m glad to hear that. Maybe you can tell me about her. One way to feel connected to her.”

The divine smile that lit up Ruben’s face confirmed to Duncan that he had said the absolute right thing. “She was my only family. I loved her so much. I miss her.” The sweet confession made Duncan’s heart do a flip-flop.

“What about your parents or Benjamin?” He couldn’t deny his curiosity about Ruben’s family tree because he seemed so alone in the world. He focused on the mantelpiece and the absent photos. “I mean, there are no pictures of Ben that I can see.”

Ruben frowned and pursed his lips, as if dismayed about the subject. “They’re in the bedroom mostly.”

He looked down and again his hair covered his expression. Duncan suspected he did that to ensure his emotional privacy, and he could understand that. Perhaps whatever rift existed between the brothers wasn’t such a wide gulf after all, not if Ruben kept Benjamin’s pictures close to where he slept.

“My parents died when Ben and I were still children,” Ruben went on slowly. “He’s older than me by four years, you know. Mom and Dad…. They went out for a recreational trip to the sea, to travel down the west coast, when I was five. There was a boating accident. The ship sunk, killing my parents, the captain, and a deckhand. The captain’s body was never discovered, while my parents and the nineteen-year-old boy were found washed ashore a week later.”

“God, Ruben, I’m so sorry.” Duncan didn’t know what else to say. He longed to hold Ruben, to comfort him with touch, but he wasn’t sure if that would be welcome.

“I don’t remember much about them, so… weird to miss them.” Ruben took a gulp of his wine. “Ben changed after that. He became harder somehow, always expecting the worst. He was there for me if and when I needed him, but… I felt like he had closed a part of himself off.” He sighed and moistened his lips with wine again until they were red and glistening. “Ben has always been more adventurous than me. He’s the wild one. I’m the good boy. While he was sneaking out in high school to meet his girlfriends, I stayed behind and focused on reading and drawing.”

“He sounds like quite the character.”

“You’ve met him. How did he seem to you?”

Duncan took a drink of his cabernet to pause for thought without looking like he was buying time. “I think he has your best interest at heart.” Duncan recalled Benjamin downplaying his brother’s past distress. He now saw that in a new light. Benjamin had said Ruben overreacted to a lot of things, but Duncan figured that had in fact been a test of his character and intentions. He had a sudden inkling that Benjamin actually guarded his baby brother quite closely from afar. Benjamin had given Duncan a couple of breadcrumbs to follow that to Duncan suggested the successful artist was trying to coax Ruben back to life.

No, Duncan didn’t know that for certain. But it made sense.

Trying to be discreet was less effective when Duncan could barely keep his emotions from showing. Still, he longed to learn more about the gap between the brothers. That’s why he subtly posed the question he dreaded asking
and
having answered.

“How did Ben react when… you know, what happened to you?”

“B
EN
WAS
there for me from day one,” Ruben replied steadily. As many doubts as he had, keeping his high opinion of his big brother a secret wasn’t one of them.

Duncan nodded seriously. “That’s good.”

Ruben sensed there was a story there. “You didn’t like him.” It wasn’t a question.

Duncan twirled the wine glass in his fingers, hesitating. “Not having any siblings of my own, I don’t always understand relationships between brothers. I admit I’m… confused. Is he a part of your life?”

Duncan had an annoying habit of countering questions with questions, Ruben noted, not particularly thrilled about that fact. “We don’t see each other often, if that is what you mean. But we talk, mostly on the phone. We’re not complete strangers, you know.” He wondered if he sounded as irritable as he felt.

“I’m sorry if it seemed like I was judging you or him,” Duncan said, contrite, and his cheeks reddened. “I don’t know him well enough to—”

“To form an opinion?” Ruben cut in. “It’s a simple question. Did you like him?”

Duncan frowned, possibly for being put on the spot, and he straightened his back. “No, I didn’t like him. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but—”

“You’re entitled to your opinion.”

Duncan kept his gaze fixed on Ruben. “Okay. So how come you don’t see each other anymore?”