Haunted Heart (12 page)

Never before had sex for Duncan been so visceral, so palpable, so filled with in-your-face sensations. He couldn’t shove the thoughts away. There was no dark corner within him deep or black enough where he didn’t remember what had happened with painstaking detail.

And Duncan had come from a mere few strokes of his own dick, without the typical other man’s hand, mouth, or ass around his needy organ. In fact, he’d barely had time to snag open the fly of his pants and grab his cock before shooting his load all over the place. He had been so turned on. It was a totally new experience for him, groundbreaking, earth-shattering, banishing all previous sexual encounters to utter oblivion.

Nothing compared to Ruben.

Duncan smiled. “Me too. Like I said, you distract me at work. My assistant is smirking behind my back enough as it is.” He winked to indicate he wasn’t being reproachful.

Ruben giggled. Duncan’s eyes widened. It was a sound of pure joy, bubbly and lovely, like a sip of champagne. To know he had been the cause of such happiness made Duncan all but jump for joy himself.

“Coffee?” Ruben suggested.

“Sure. Thanks.”

Ruben dashed to the kitchen, and Duncan sauntered to the sitting room. The gas fireplace wasn’t lit tonight, but the room was warm. It had been a sunny day for a change. The blanket they had slept on was gone, but Duncan’s gaze was riveted on the spot where they had lain side by side in the balmy warmth of afterglow.

He was so engrossed in reliving past events he lost track of time. A small tap on his shoulder awoke Duncan from his erotic reverie.

Ruben was blushing, so his thoughts must have taken a similar course. “Your coffee.” He offered Duncan a cup of steaming-hot black liquid, and Duncan inhaled deeply.

“Mmm, smells great. Thanks.”

They sat down on opposite sides of the coffee table, both in the middle of their respective couches. For a time, they surreptitiously glanced at each other and the room where they had been intimate, while they sipped their coffee.

Out of the corner of his eye, Duncan saw Ruben fidgeting on his seat, and nervous as to what that might suggest, he asked, “Are you all right? Any, um, regrets?” God, how he feared the idea that “yes” could be the answer.

Ruben looked at Duncan, startled and wide-eyed. Then he smiled and shook his head. “No. Not a one.” He lowered his gaze, twirling the coffee cup slowly in his hands, as if about to say something. “I didn’t think I could ever feel good about… that. You know, sex.” His cheeks pinked as he spoke. “To be honest, I had, um, fantasies. But I never really had any, eh, expectations. I was too afraid of, well, everything.”

Once he quieted for a bit, Duncan felt safe to speak. “I hope the reality was better than the dreams.”

“Oh, way better!” Ruben grinned almost cheekily. Duncan wondered if this is what the boy would have been like had his growth not been interrupted, even halted, by the rape. This new, self-confident, smart, sensual young man was a sight to behold.

“Way, way better,” Ruben added for emphasis.

Duncan bowed his head humbly to acknowledge the sweet compliment. “I think you have yourself to thank. You lit up, Ruben. You did that, not me.”

Ruben pursed his lips in mock scolding. “Such modesty.” Duncan chuckled, and then Ruben joined him. “I admit I have thought of little else the past week.”

“That sounds eerily familiar.”

“Good.” Ruben sounded pleased, with himself and with Duncan. Then he looked at Duncan from under his lashes. “A-are we going to do it again?”

Duncan rubbed his jaw, as if he were considering it. But he was certain his smug grin gave him away because Ruben looked about ready to toss his coffee at him. “Anytime you want.”

At that, Ruben cocked his head to the side, suddenly pensive. “What do
you
want, Duncan?”

This was the moment Duncan had been dreading. “Listen. We need to talk.”

Upon hearing that, Ruben sat up straighter, his face paling in abject horror. “You don’t want to see me anymore…?” His voice had gone small.

Duncan heard himself growl at that, and he fought for control. He sidestepped the coffee table and sat next to Ruben, taking his hands in his own. “No, Ruben. No. That’s not it.” He took a deep breath. “It’s the exact opposite, to be honest. But… I’m afraid I might be pushing things too hard, too fast, too everything. I’m worried you… want to take a step back, that you rue the day I made my way into your secluded, safe life, and forced you—”

He had to stop there when Ruben’s grip turned to painfully tight and rough.

“Stop. Right. There.” A fiery strength unlike any Duncan had heard from Ruben’s lips emerged, scalding Duncan with its relentlessness. There was a dangerous glint in his eyes, but Duncan couldn’t turn away. “Let me see if I got this. First you tell me you like me so much you want to spend more, not less, time with me. Then you say you think I want to call things off, that I may have doubts about what we did,
and
that you possibly took advantage of me by pressing us to have sex.”

That about summed it up, Duncan thought. “Yeah, that’s, uh… right.”

Ruben’s eyes narrowed, and Duncan swallowed.

He had been confident throughout his life, never one to feel weak, agitated, or anxious about a relationship with a guy. Not that he had a lot of those. A few, though. More than Ruben, obviously.

But Ruben, with his mix of innocent shyness and blazing strength, brought Duncan to his knees. Duncan’s heart wanted things he had no idea how to get from this skittish young man. Was he being selfish? Or was it just his dreaming heart wishing upon a star for the impossible?

“Duncan…,” Ruben started, frustration and anger vanishing, leaving behind the quiet, shy guy Duncan had met mere weeks ago. “You gave me a precious gift, one I never thought I’d get.” He let out a breathless, resigned chuckle with no humor. “And here I believed
I
was the one who had doubts.”

Duncan was ashamed. Amid his misgivings he had unintentionally put Ruben’s self-assuredness under suspicion. “Ruben.” He heard his own voice crack. “I’ve never been like this, so worried about a lover.” He studied his young partner’s beautiful features, the pale skin, the full lips, the haunted eyes, gray like the wings of a dove. “I guess I was afraid I had pushed the envelope, even if you told me I hadn’t. The reason’s because I… I have feelings for you.”

That made Ruben start, a deer-in-headlights look on his face. “R-really?”

“Yes.” Duncan frowned, though he wished he hadn’t. He must have been sending all kinds of mixed messages. “That’s why I’m so messed up, you see. I have all these feelings for you, and I’m worried I’m moving too fast for your comfort lev—”

“Trust me, Duncan,” Ruben cut in, smiling again. “Trust me to know by now, after all that’s happened to me, that I am more than capable of saying no if I don’t want to do something. Okay?” Then he pursed his lips, feigning a cunning look. “So, when you say feelings….”

Duncan smiled, not breaking their eye contact. “I’m falling for you, Ruben. More than liking you, more than being attracted to you. I’m talking about love, Ruben. Love. Falling in love with you. Loving you till the end of my days.” He swallowed, once again hesitating at the speed with which things were proceeding.

But the rapturous expression Ruben sported was answer enough. “Duncan, I….”

“I didn’t say it so you would feel obliged to—”

“Shush.” Ruben placed a finger over Duncan’s lips to stop his rambling. “I’ve felt a… a connection with you since the day we met. I tried to fight it. Well, that is to say, my panic, fears, and doubts tried to do battle with my heart and soul. But… I guess I won.” The half-victorious, half-embarrassed look on his face was priceless, and Duncan had to smile at that.

“So… you don’t think this is too soon?”

“For us? Or in general?”

“Either. Both.”

“Well, assuming there’s an us….”

“Oh, there’s an us, rest assured.”

Ruben grinned. “I’ve waited all my life to… to feel something other than terror at the idea of being with someone. Over time, since the rape, that worry twisted into the worst kind of dread, and I couldn’t even consider being in the same house with another man, let alone letting them love me in any way, shape, or form.”

“You’ve progressed by leaps and bounds,” Duncan remarked, happy for his friend and lover.

Ruben looked away briefly, as if torn in two. “I’m not out of the woods yet, Duncan. For all we know, I may never be. The agoraphobia, I mean.”

Duncan could feel Ruben’s uncertainty rolling off him in waves, and he leaned forward to press their foreheads together. Ruben’s coffee-scented breath wafted over him. “I know. I’m not worried. I mean, it’s not going to be an excuse for me to walk out the door. Pardon the pun.”

Ruben chuckled softly, and he didn’t withdraw from the touch. “You sure?”

“You being able to leave the house? Big fucking deal.” Duncan snorted loudly to make his point, laced with humor, and Ruben laughed. “If I have my way with your gorgeous self, we’ll never leave this house again. Just order takeout and bury ourselves under a blanket in front of the fireplace.”

“Oh, sounds heavenly.” Ruben sighed. Then his gaze locked with Duncan’s. “It’s been hard to be here alone. You know, even before… that guy… all I wanted was for someone to see me. For someone to think I was beautiful and wonderful… worthy of being seen. It’s not just that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I guess I would like someone to walk this path with me. I’m fully aware that being with me isn’t easy. It’s not going to get any easier either. My phobia? I may never be able to overcome it and be cured.”

“It’s become a part of you,” Duncan said calmly. “I’m not expecting miracle cures or anything like that, Ruben. And even though we had sex… I like my dick fine, but I don’t think of it as a magic wand that waves about and makes all our troubles vanish into thin air.”

Ruben half giggled, half snorted. “Gosh, what an image.”

Duncan had to chuckle at that himself. “You know what I mean.”

“I do.” Ruben kissed Duncan on the lips, a simple press of flesh, yet intimate and so profound. “I may be housebound, possibly for the rest of my life, but I believe I have a lot to give a potential lover and partner, and much to offer to a relationship.” He shrugged, but it was by no means a casual gesture. “I guess I just… want to be loved, like anyone else.”

Duncan exhaled, relief easing the tension in his body. “You’re right. You may not be exiting this house anytime soon. But when it comes to being loved, you’re already there.”

When Ruben smiled, downright euphoric, Duncan knew without a shadow of a doubt he wanted and needed to see this young man’s happiness for the rest of his life. And to be the cause of it, well, that was even better.

And then things went from better to ecstatic—and straight onward to weird.

“You know… I love you too, Duncan.” Ruben didn’t sound small anymore, though his voice was quiet. It was sincere, reverent, even sacred. Duncan’s heart did somersaults. “That’s why I need you to do me a favor. With this.”

When Ruben took a piece of black cloth from his pants pocket, Duncan was utterly dumbfounded.

A blindfold?

“I’
LL
EXPLAIN
.”
Ruben watched the confusion on Duncan’s handsome face with no small amount of amusement. “I don’t know how much you know about agoraphobia.”

Duncan nodded slowly, rubbing his jaw, reflective. “Since I learned that’s what you have I’ve been studying a bit. It’s an anxiety disorder, with panic attacks. The condition makes it all but compulsory to avoid any and all situations that might make the panic arise. Feelings of being trapped or helpless or embarrassed or ashamed can trigger an attack.”

Ruben smiled. His man had been studying. “Right. The actual cause for the condition is unknown, why some people are so affected by it while others with similar traumatic experiences in the past are not. But… it is also connected to depression. And, as you may know, depression is a hard psychological habit to break. Connect a phobia with depression and you get a vicious cycle, almost impossible to break.”

Duncan caressed Ruben’s cheek, his eyes filled with sorrow all of a sudden. “Are you trying to discourage me from being with you?”

“No!” Of that Ruben had zero doubts. “No. I want to be with you.”

“Whatever this—” Duncan pointed at the blindfold in Ruben’s hands. “—is for, you don’t have to do anything drastic to show you can change or improve or whatever. I fell for you, not some idea of you all better.” He frowned, hesitant. “That didn’t come out right.”

“It’s all right,” Ruben assured him. “I know what you meant. At least, I think I do. And I’m doing this for me. Not for you, specifically.” He took a deep breath, organizing his thoughts. “You see, when I was raped, I was clinically depressed. The shrinks said so. I was on medication, on antidepressants. I have since stopped taking them. The panic attacks don’t come from me being depressed, which is a constant state of mind. The panic comes from the unexpected, the surprises, the sudden anxieties from new experiences.”

“I’m not sure I get where you’re going with this….”

“If my panic attacks, my phobia, stems from depression more than unforeseen things, then maybe if I’m no longer depressed, perhaps the phobia will go away, or at least lessen.” Ruben wanted that to be true. A part of him believed it too. A big part.

And he had Duncan to thank for that. When they’d had sex, that was an exciting, novel experience that shook Ruben to the core. It should have sent his panic rising so high it would meet with the International Space Station. Instead, Duncan had soothed his fears, alleviated his doubts, and done away with his panic. Ruben had felt free for the first time in his life.

Trusting another—trusting Duncan—to help him, be there for him, show him there was nothing to be afraid of, that had been the key as far as Ruben was concerned.

Duncan had made Ruben’s body and soul first ignore, then forget, the rape. As a result, the depression, the panic, the fear, all of it became meaningless. Ruben had been aware of them in the distance, in the back of his mind, but like ghosts from the past, they faded in the bright light of a future with Duncan.