Hard As Rock (40 page)

And Derek? Cocaine or heroin was a good metaphor. As much as I might long for him, I knew it wouldn’t be that long before he had reduced me to a shambles again. I knew it in college, I knew it when I slept with him the first time, and I knew it now. He was a scorpion. It was useless pretending rehab had been some sort of cocoon, and some beautiful, harmless creature had emerged.

And Riley – all I could think of was Riley, lying in the bed, tears streaming out of her eyes, crying,
Everybody leaves. They always leave… they always leave me…

Everywhere I turned there was collateral damage. I couldn’t
not
hurt someone – including myself.

There was this myth that in an ancient city, there was a puzzle called the Gordian Knot. Hideously complex and thought impossible to solve, prophets said that whomever untangled it would become the ruler of Asia. For centuries the knot remained intact until Alexander the Great came along and tried – and succeeded by slicing it in half with his sword. Cheating, maybe, but nobody said that cheating was out of bounds.

Well… not
that
kind of cheating.

I had my own Gordian Knot to unravel, but cheating was
definitely
out of bounds.

Which meant that maybe I was destined to fail.

In cases of intractable problems, I usually turn to sleep or alcohol.

Sleep was out of the question, so I eventually found myself in the bar.

The crowd was sparse. I guess all the big action was at the music festival, so only the well-heeled drunks were hanging out tonight.

I ordered a cosmopolitan; I had abandoned amaretto sours after they’d nearly killed me that night in Seattle with Riley.

As I sat there at the bar nursing my wounds and my drink, I heard a familiar British voice order next to me: “Double gin ‘n tonic, make it top shelf.”

Miles.

Shit.

I was hunched down over my drink. Maybe he hadn’t seen me.

I turned to my left, away from the source of the voice –

“Don’t move.”

Shit shit shit.

I looked over. Miles was leaning against the bar, staring at the rows of drinks.

I thought about trying to joke about
Did you come to bury me out in the desert?
but I was afraid the answer might be ‘yes.’ So I just kept quiet.

The bartender finally set down the cocktail. Miles paid with a twenty and a ten, muttered “Keep the change,” and took a long drink.

When he set it down, he said, “I suppose you’re thinking I’m gonna have a go at you. Smack you around a bit.”

“The thought crossed my mind.”

“Do you know how many bands I’ve managed over the years?”

I shook my head ‘no.’

“Nine. Nine bands. Some were absolute shite. Some were pretty good. This one… this was going to be the one they put on my tombstone. Maybe still will.” He took another drink. “You know the one thing in common about the other eight?”

“No.”

“They all broke up. Every last one of ‘em. Whether it was drugs or money or somebody bought it, or just a general habit of my associating with stupid gits, they all broke up. This one? Full of stupid gits. They just happen to be uncommonly talented, is all.”

He took another drink.

“I knew you was trouble from the moment you walked in. Got on that elevator, saw the way Derek looked at you, and I knew. Didn’t know
how
it was going to go down, but I knew it all the same. Wasn’t till I saw
Ryan
look at you that I could read the writin’ on the wall. But it was there, clear as day, right from the beginnin’.”

“…sorry.”

He shrugged. “If they could break up over a woman, they were gonna break up no matter what. Maybe not now, maybe not a year from now, but it would’ve happened. You… somebody else… doesn’t matter. It would’ve eventually happened.”

My wounded ego wanted to pipe up and say,
I don’t think it could’ve been just ANYBODY,
but then I remembered it was still Miles next to me, and my sense of preservation kept me quiet on
that
topic.

“Still… I’m sorry,” I said.

“There’s a pool goin’ ‘mongst the roadies about whether they’ll make it past tomorrow’s show. You want in on the action?”

“I just had a fight with Ryan.”

He looked at me. “Really.”

“He says he’s going to leave the band no matter what after the concert. I’m going to try to talk him out of it, but… I don’t know if I can.”

Miles smiled bitterly. “I could make a few quid on the bet with that sort of insider information. Still, seems hardly fair.”

He downed the rest of his drink and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Ah well. There will be other bands. Number ten is somewhere around the corner, full of stupid gits just waiting for a firm hand.” He looked at me. “But this one… this one was special.”

I nodded slowly.

He didn’t say another word, just walked out of the bar.

After the interaction with Miles – one more strand of loss in my personal Gordian Knot – I lost my taste for any further drinking and went back upstairs.

Ryan was already in bed. As soon as I came in, he rolled over. “Hey.”

“Hey,” I said as I sat down on the edge.

We stayed in uncomfortable silence for awhile.

“I still want to be with you,” I said quietly.

A long pause.

“…but…” he said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I don’t know. I’m… I’m…”

I started to cry. Not out of any attempt to get out of the discussion, but because I was so tired. And so worn down. And so unhappy about hurting so many people – including myself.

Ryan is nothing if not a softie. He lay there for a few seconds listening to me, then stretched out his hand. “Come here.”

I sniffled and crawled across the covers until I was nestled against his bare chest.

“I want to be with you,” I whispered.

“Are you absolutely sure that’s what you want?”

I nodded ‘yes,’ because I wasn’t entirely sure I could convince him with my voice.

He sighed with relief. “Then we’ll leave after the concert.”

“Please don’t quit the band.”

“I really don’t see another way out of it.”

Another tightly knit string in the Gordian Knot.

I grasped at straws, trying anything to make him reverse his decision. “You promised Riley you weren’t going anywhere.”

That made him pause – but only for a second. “We’ll still be close, whether I’m in the band or not. She’ll understand.”

“I don’t think she will.”

He looked at me with more than a little irritation. “I would’ve thought you’d be more interested in you and me than me and Riley.”

“I am – but I don’t want you to throw this all away.”

“I’m not. I’m giving up something that’s ripping you away from me.”

Hearing that was bad enough – but his next words were the killer.

“I can’t stand around and watch it happen anymore… whether you come with me or not, I just can’t.”

I cried into his chest and he held me, both of us quiet, both of us dreading the next 24 hours.

We were tender with each other when we woke up the next day, careful of each other’s emotional wounds and frailties. We didn’t make love, but we kissed long, and slow, and deep.

There was a terrible sadness there, like maybe it was for the last time.

We didn’t see everyone else until after lunch, when we went to the suite reserved just for the band. Killian was baked, as usual. Riley was watchful and serious, and she eyed me and Ryan like a worried sailor reading dark clouds on the horizon.

Derek, on the other hand, was chipper as could be. He gave me a sunny smile and acted like the scene from last night had never happened.

“This is going to be great,” he announced as he tucked into a gourmet burger from room service. “Which new songs are going on the set list?”

“All of them,” Ryan said.

“You think they’re all good enough?”

“Might be the last time we play them,” Ryan said darkly. “Might as well play them all.”

“Ha –
carpe diem.
Okay, fine.”

Fifteen minutes later, there came a moment when the pattern of the last several weeks reversed, and I followed Derek out of the room to get him alone in the hallway.

“You come back for some more?” he asked jauntily.

“Ryan’s quitting the band,” I snapped.

Derek narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“He saw you coming out of the room last night, and he’s quitting the band.”

He nodded. “Figures.”

“Figures?! You keep flipping him off by coming after me – ”

“I keep coming after you because we’re supposed to be together.”

“I told you I wanted you to stop!”

“You also told me you wanted to stop four years ago, and I think we both know
that
was a mistake.”

He took a step closer to me.

I would be lying if I said my pulse didn’t quicken, and that part of me didn’t ache for a replay from last night – but I backed away from him. “No. Stop it.”

He smirked briefly, then grew serious. “So, what – did he give you an ultimatum? ‘Come with me or else’?”

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. “There is no ‘or else.’ It’s just… I’m supposed to make up my mind once and for all.”

Suddenly Derek was
very
serious. “And what did you decide?”

“I…”

I didn’t answer, because I didn’t have one.

He stepped closer again, and this time I didn’t pull away. My heart beat faster as he stared into my eyes.

“Just remember,” he murmured, “that he’s walking away from the band. It’s something he loves, and he’s walking away. He’s not fighting for it, and he’s sure as hell not fighting for you. He told you to make up your mind. Not, ‘I love you and I’ll always love you and I’ll never let you go’; not ‘I can’t live without you.’ Just… ‘make up your mind,’” he finished mockingly.

He put a hand against my face, brushed my skin softly.

“I will
always
fight for you, Kaitlyn… and I will
never
give up. Ever.”

“I wish you’d been more like this in Vegas,” I said bitterly, and turned and walked away.

“I will be from now on,” he called out.

“If only I could count on that,” I yelled over my shoulder.

If only.

Show time.

The band waited in the wings of the stage, listening to the crowd chanting their name. The sheer number of people was enormous – maybe not bigger than the crowds at their arena tour, but it sure looked like it. Whereas stadiums could stack people upwards in the bleachers, here it was just one massive field and a gigantic sea of humanity extending further than I could see. Tens of thousands of people in the dusk, merging into one collective voice of “BIGGER! BIGGER! BIGGER!”

Miles made sure the band was ready to go, then stepped offstage to haggle with someone over something or other.

Ryan was nervous as always. He paced back and forth, fretting as he stared out at the crowd.

Derek, on the other hand, was a caged tiger. He couldn’t wait to be set free, to bound onstage, to drink in the one last acceptable drug available to him after rehab: adulation.

I hooked Ryan’s arm. “Are you okay?”

He gave me a grim smile. “I’ll be alright soon.”

“When you quit the band in an hour?” Derek sneered.

Ryan looked surprised. He glanced at me, saw my guilty expression, and knew immediately what had gone on. “You told him.”

This was the first Riley had heard of it. “What?!”

“Nothing,” Ryan said.

“Nothing my ass,” Derek spat. “This fucker’s quitting on us.”

Shit – where was Miles when we needed him?

But the band manager was nowhere to be seen.

Riley looked at Ryan with wide-eyed terror. “What? What the fuck’s he talking about?”

Ryan was enraged – as was I. Bringing Riley into this as a pawn was beyond fucked up, considering the events of the last couple of weeks.

“Maybe you should shut the fuck up,” Ryan snapped at Derek. If he was using language like that, he was furious.

“Maybe you should
man
the fuck up.”

“What he talking about, quitting?” Riley asked, looking back and forth between me and Ryan.

“He’s quitting because he can’t stand Kaitlyn being around me,” Derek said.

I wheeled around and shouted, “Or maybe because you’re an asshole who won’t stop hitting on me, no matter how much I tell you to!”

“You didn’t say that when you were kissing me last night.”

Mother
fucker.

“I already told him, you asshole,” I seethed. “And you kissed
me,
not the other way around.”

Derek smirked. “You didn’t seem to mind too much.”

“I seem to remember throwing your ass
out,
” I shouted.

Killian was standing in the background, trying not to watch the train wreck in front of him.

“You’re supposed to be with
me,
not this fucking traitor!” Derek shouted as he pointed at Ryan.

“He’s not the traitor who cheated on me!” I yelled back.

“And I’m
sorry
– I’m SORRY! How many fucking times do I have to say it?”

Derek fell to his knees – not ironically, but entirely in earnest. Over the top, sure, but he was sincere.

“I’m sorry, Kaitlyn. I should have
never
done that to you, and I swear I’ll never do it again. Please – forgive me. Come back to me.”

“You bastard – ” Ryan raged as he moved towards Derek.

Derek jumped back onto his feet. “Who’s the bastard? Who fucked his best friend over behind his back, huh? Couldn’t even be a fucking
man
and be upfront about it?”

“Who cheated on her?” Ryan roared.

“That doesn’t give you a fuckin’ pass for what you did!”

The MC chose that inopportune moment to announce the band.

“AND NOW… BIGGERRRRRRRR!”

The crowd roared like a tsunami crashing down.

Derek and Ryan stared at each other with unbridled hatred.