Happily Ever Madder: Misadventures of a Mad Fat Girl (18 page)

“I’ll tell you tomorrow.” She smiles. “And we’re going to discuss all of that other business that you and Jalena talked about last night, too.”

“Okay, then,” I say, waving.

31

M
ason isn’t home when I go to bed, and he’s gone by the time I get up, so I kind of hate to text and tell him I can’t make it to dinner in the conference room, but I do. Tia has my curiosity stirred up way past what would normally be considered appropriate, but I can’t help that I’m obsessed with her shady designated driver.

I take Buster Loo to work, and not a soul graces the doorway until Avery comes in at one. We have a few afternoon visitors, and after they leave, I start wondering if I’ll ever get used to my gallery being treated like a museum rather than a place where things are actually available for purchase. I tell myself that I should welcome the interest in and appreciation for my work, but at the end of the day, it just seems like one more thing I have to add to the list of things that
have
to be okay with me these days.

Before we leave at five o’clock, Avery tells me about some kind of bohemian party she’s going to at Seville Square with the Mohawk guy, whose name is actually Rob.

“Just Rob?” I ask. “That’s it?”

“Yep,” she says. “Just Rob. Rob Evans.”

“Well, I think it’s a good sign that he hasn’t changed it to El Roberto Leon Evawashu or something.”

“Right,” she says, rolling her eyes.

I drive home and, when I turn in to the subdivision, can’t help but notice a new sign has been put up at the entrance. I slow down to get a closer look at the plywood fixture and see that four little green bags have been tacked up in each of the corners. Underneath each bag is an address.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” I say to myself. I stop the car and roll down the window so I can read the large-print notice posted in the center of the board.

It says
WARNING TO RESIDENTS WHO REFUSE TO PICK UP AFTER THEIR PETS! START USING THE GREEN BAGS OR DNA TESTING WILL BEGIN SOON!
Then there is a little smiley face followed by the letters “MK.”

Buster Loo, who has wormed his way up to the open window, is having a field day sniffing the air. I grab his hind legs so he doesn’t try to jump out, because he’s carrying on like he really needs a better sniff of that sign. I roll up the window, drive a few blocks, and see Roger outside with Moses. I decide to stop and talk about the new sign.

“Hey, Ace,” he calls as I get out of the car. I don’t let Buster Loo out because I’m certain he would make a break for the dooky board and I don’t feel like chasing him all the way back up there. “How are you today, young lady?”

“I’m good, Roger. Thank you.” Moses runs up and starts sniffing my feet. I lean down to pet him, and Buster Loo starts barking like crazy in the car. “How are you?”

“Couldn’t be better if I tried,” Roger says, leaning on his rake. “Did you happen to notice our new neighborhood sign?”

“Yeah, that looks nice,” I tell him. “Smells good, too. You know, I saw Margo and Cindy walking down the street wearing safety goggles and kitchen gloves, picking up dog crap and putting it in those little green bags.” I stop and think for a second. “But that was like a week ago.”

He looks at me and shakes his head. “You think they froze it while Margo had poor Liam make the sign?”

I shudder with disgust and ask Roger how long he thinks it will be before someone makes Margo make Liam take it down.

“I’ve already called Phillip Wheatley,” Roger says gruffly. “He’s one of the few board members with a grain of sense.” He looks at me. “What’s going to be funny is if they send all of that in for DNA testing and find they’ve got four bags of shit from deer and stray dogs because everyone around here picks up after their pets and they always have. It’s never been a problem until Margo took over the neighborhood.”

“I bet that’s what they were doing in your yard that night,” I tell him. “Looking for a little Moses turd for their collection.” Moses looks up at me and I tell him again how adorable he is.

“I bet that’s exactly what they were doing,” Roger says, snapping his fingers and laughing. “Well, they must not have found anything since my address didn’t make the display.”

“Mine, either.” We talk some more and he asks about Mason, and then we talk about the weather for a minute and I say good-bye. I drive the short distance down to my house and carry Buster Loo inside, and he runs straight out the back door. I go outside and play fetch for a while with him, then go upstairs and freshen up a bit. At fifteen minutes before seven, I walk into the kitchen and open the cabinet to get Buster Loo a good-bye treat. When I open the cabinet, I notice Mason’s binoculars on the shelf above the dog biscuits. I don’t know what kind of adventure Tia has planned, but I like to be prepared, so I grab those to stick in my purse. I toss Buster Loo his snack and then head out the door for the short walk down to Credo’s.

* * *

I walk past Tia’s Tahoe, which is parked right next to Jalena’s Jeep Cherokee, and as I climb the steps to the door, I become a nervous freakin’ wreck, because if Kevin Jacobs is in here I might have a heart attack and die on the spot. I don’t see his truck, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t come on foot like I did. I start thinking again about how I need to get over this ridiculous crush. I take a deep breath and open the door.

I look around and don’t see him or them inside. I walk to the door that leads out onto the deck and see Jalena and Tia at a table off to the side, but there is no sign of Kevin. Relieved, I go out and join them.

Jalena is sipping on a draft beer, and Tia is drinking Diet Pepsi, and I order a beer, then spend a few minutes hoping against hope that Kevin Jacobs doesn’t show up tonight, because I just don’t think I can handle it. We order appetizers and hot wings, then make small talk until I’ve had all I can stand and tell Tia that I have to know what’s going on.

She looks at Jalena, then back at me.

“She wants to stalk her boyfriend,” Jalena says quietly, looking down at her beer. “I told her we could do that.”

“Kevin?” I ask, and my heart starts thumping. I drain my beer and raise my glass to the waitress, who promptly brings me another one. I get the feeling Jalena is watching me very carefully.

“He’s not really my boyfriend,” Tia whispers and looks around to make sure no one is paying attention, and even though we’re the only good-looking chicks in a mostly dudes joint, we are, for the moment, flying under the radar. “We’ve just been having this”—she pauses and shrugs—“thing for a long time, and—”

“What kind of a thing?” I ask, because I simply have to know.

“Well, let me just tell you the whole story,” she says, and I get that sick feeling like you do when you know someone is about to tell you something that you don’t want to hear. “I was renovating a house a few years ago and I had hired him to do some major repair work because I’d moved some walls around and stuff. Well, he flirted with me like crazy, but I didn’t think much of it because everybody in town knows he’s a player, plus I’m older than him so I didn’t think he would really be interested.” Jalena and I both roll our eyes at this. “Anyway, I went to the house one night to see how things were coming along, and he was there finishing up some stuff, but his crew was gone. He had a cooler of beer in his truck like he always does, and we started drinking. Then he turned on a radio that one of his guys had left at the house, and, corny as this sounds, we started dancing—”

“Like slow dancing?” I ask, glad to feel a good buzz coming on before my nerves go completely haywire.

“Oh no, like club dancing. It was some hard-core bump and grind.”

She starts giggling but stops when the waitress shows up at the table with our appetizers.

“Well, we ended up having sex in the bathroom upstairs, because that was the only room in the house that didn’t have a huge window in it, because, of course, the house had no curtains.” Tia’s face turns bright red. “And we’ve been doing it ever since. That was almost five years ago.”

“Y’all have been having sex in that same bathroom for five years?” I whisper, and Jalena cracks up.

“Of course not,” Tia snaps.

“I was kidding,” I say, wishing I would’ve just
not
said that.

“We always went to his house, because I decided way before he came along that I would never drag a man in and out of the house I shared with my daughter. We never actually discussed it; we just always kind of kept it on the down low.”

“Right,” I say, overcome with jealousy despite my increasing level of intoxication. I want to ask her how he is in the sack, but I feel like I already know. Men like Kevin Jacobs tend to be heaven in the bed and hell in a relationship. “So now since your daughter is off at college—” I look at Tia.

“Now that Afton is off at college, I’m having all of these feelings, and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s gone and I’m trying to fill that void or if I might possibly be in love with him.”

“Oh my,” I say, wondering how in the hell I wound up in the middle of a mess like this. I look up at Jalena, and she’s looking at me funny again.

“So,” Tia says with a sigh, and I’m on the verge of begging her to stop talking, but I know I
need
to keep listening. “I’ve been dropping little hints here and there, and he’s kind of backed off these past few weeks, so I want to know what’s going on but I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“So that’s why you want to do some stalking?” I ask, and despite myself, I can’t stop wondering if Kevin backed off because of the hints or because of me.

“Can we call it spying?” Tia asks.

“Sure,” I say. “Why not?”

“You know, you could just ask him if he’s seeing anybody else,” Jalena says, and Tia assures her that she cannot and will not be the one to start that conversation.

“I’d talk about it if he brought it up,” Tia says. “But I’m not putting myself in a position to get shot down like a sitting duck.”

“Well, can’t say I blame you for that,” Jalena says, and I nod in agreement.

Tia clams up and looks like she’s about to cry, and Jalena looks out at the bay. I don’t say a word because I don’t know what would be appropriate, and since I’m always erring on the side of inappropriate, I just sit there.

“I miss Afton,” Tia says finally.

“Oh, Tia,” Jalena says quietly. “I know you do.”

“You know, it was just me and her for so long, and now she’s at college and she’s so busy and doesn’t call me very often and—” She stops talking and tears up. “Sorry,” she says, dabbing her cheeks with a napkin. “I’ve just been a basket case these past few days, and I don’t know what to do, and to make matters worse, I’m too old to be having stupid problems like this.”

“Girl, those women at the old-folks home are probably still having problems like this,” Jalena says, smiling at Tia. “Some lady named Ethel is over there and she’s got the hots for old man Jack, who doesn’t like her because he’s got a crush on Mabel, but Mabel only has eyes for Cecil, who just so happens to be madly in love with Ethel. Relationship problems are timeless.”

We have a good laugh at that and Tia peps up a little, but not much.

“Go on,” Jalena says, looking at her. “Get it all out. Whatever is on your mind. It’ll make you feel better.”

I just sit there like a knot on a log, nursing my beer and looking at Tia, who looks so pitiful it makes my heart ache. To make matter worse, my crush on Kevin Jacobs rages on, unaffected and unchecked, heaping mountains of guilt onto the mountains of guilt already piled up in my tormented conscience.

“After the divorce,” Tia says, “I vowed not to date until Afton was out of the house. I didn’t tell anyone I’d decided to do that because I knew everyone would get all upset and start nagging at me and people would be going out of their way to fix me up on blind dates and such, so I just kind of quietly went about staying single.” I think about what Connor said when he got on that kick about her being a lesbian. “The only thing that mattered to me was spending quality time with Afton and doing everything I could to make her feel safe and loved. I was determined not to put her through anything else that might cause her the slightest bit of anxiety or pain.” She takes a deep breath. “Well, that was easy enough when she was young, because she took up
all
of my time with her hobbies and stuff, but when she got to high school and started hanging out with her friends, well, I got lonely. I got bored. I got—” She stops talking.

“Horny?” Jalena says, once again hitting a comic relief home run.

“Yes!” Tia says, looking around to make sure no one is eavesdropping. “That, too! I have known Kevin Jacobs all my life, and he’s always has been a womanizer. But”—she shakes her head—“I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with him.”

“Well, let’s see—he’s sexy, charming, and persuasive,” Jalena says. “That’s a killer combination. Women don’t stand a chance against all that.”

“No kidding,” Tia says. “I just
need
to know if he’s interested in taking it to the next level and, like, going out to dinner and stuff,” Tia says. “But I don’t want to make things awkward.”

“Hey! Aren’t you going to the charity ball next weekend?” Jalena asks.

“Yes, why?”

“You know, it’s kind of like the prom, where your date can just be your friend.” She smiles at Tia. “That would be an easy way to make a first ‘public’ appearance. Why don’t you ask him to go with you?”