Happily Ever Madder: Misadventures of a Mad Fat Girl (16 page)

“I guess,” Avery says, shaking her head.

“Does Caboose Charity have anything to do with the art festival?” I ask. “Or do you know?”

“I know that there is one little group of women that gets involved with everything that goes on around here, and it might not surprise you to know that Lenore Kennashaw and Sylvie Best are the ringleaders of that little group.” She looks at me. “Don’t you get the paper? They’re in there almost every week for something.”

“Hmm,” I say. “I think I’m going to do a little investigating.”

“Investigating or stalking?” Avery asks, giving me a wary look.

“I’ll start with an investigation”—I smile—“and only resort to stalking if it’s absolutely necessary.”

“You are a bad influence on me,” she says, getting up.

“Avery,” I say, and she turns around at the door. “Thank you. For doing that.”

“No problem,” she says.

“I mean, your impersonation was extremely abusive to my self-esteem, but I appreciate it nonetheless.”

She laughs and goes upstairs after making sure that I don’t need her to man the front counter.

28

I
call Jalena when I leave the gallery to see what she’s doing, and she says she was about to call to ask me the same thing. She mentions Credo’s, and as much as I’d love to meet her there and get as drunk as a barber’s pole, I know I have to pass. I don’t need to be anywhere Kevin Jacobs might even think about showing up, because I’m almost sure I’d do something stupid.

I invite her to my house and she offers to bring a pizza, and even though I’ve already had pizza two times today, I tell her to bring it on. Because today is a good day to eat pizza all day long. When she arrives thirty minutes later, Buster Loo falls head-over-heels in love as soon as she walks in the door, and even after the pizza boxes are long gone, he stays as close to her as he can possibly get.

I bring up Lenore Kennashaw and she acts like she doesn’t really want to talk about her, but when I tell her how she’s been terrorizing me for the past several weeks, she softens up a bit.

“That’s Olivia’s mother-in-law, and I think the world of Josh.” She looks at me. “Josh is Olivia’s husband, and he’s a great guy, so I try to keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to cause them any more problems than what they’ve already got being kin to her, you know?”

“So Josh is nice?” I ask, not even trying to hide my surprise.

“Josh is an amazing man,” Jalena says. “He is
so
good to Olivia and the kids, and he even remembers
my
birthday every year.”

“How did he turn out like that?” I ask. “Did he take after his father?”

“Oh no.” Jalena shakes her head. “Frank Kennashaw is just as bad as Lenore, if not worse, and Olivia says they embarrassed and humiliated Josh pretty much nonstop when he was growing up. Olivia and I figure he turned out so good because he must have a powerful desire
not
to be like his parents.”

“Why doesn’t he move away?” I ask.

“Well, he wanted to. After he went to college, he didn’t want to move home, but he was dating Olivia hot and heavy by the time he graduated, so he came back and he’s still here.” She looks at me. “That’s actually one of the few ways Olivia and I
are
alike. Neither one of us will ever leave Pelican Cove, because, you know, this is home.”

“So what does Josh do?” I ask, ignoring all the emotions stirred up by that last comment.

“He owns a big landscaping business and just tries to get along with his parents as best he can. They make it hard on him, but he sticks to his boundaries. For example, the Kennashaws like to have these big knock-down, drag-out brawls during the holidays and stuff, but Josh won’t have any part of it. And that works out great for Olivia, because they’re always at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. They go the ‘Kennashaw Brawl,’ as Olivia calls it, either before or after the actual holiday. Never on it.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Naw, it’s really not,” she says. “Josh makes it all work. When he sees the trouble brewing, he gathers up his brood and makes a hasty exit. All smiles all the time. That’s Josh Kennashaw.”

I start laughing and ask if Josh has any brothers or sisters. She tells me that he has a brother who plans on taking over the family business.

“He’ll run Kennashaw Home and Garden straight into the ground,” Jalena says. “He’s dumb as a box of rocks. When Mr. Frank dies, that business is gonna go with him. It’s just barely limpin’ along as it is, but you sure can’t tell that by how Lenore acts.” She shakes her head in disgust. “Ridin’ around in that big fancy Mercedes like she can afford it. I can’t stand that woman.”

“So can we talk about her for a second?” I ask. “And I assure you that whatever you tell me will not leave this house.”

Jalena gives in and tells me all kinds of awful stories about how Lenore has ruined birthday parties, baby showers, and Sunday dinners but doesn’t mention anything about Charity Caboose.

“I think she’s a fraud and I want to expose her,” I say. “Show her socialite friends who she really is.” I look at Jalena. “But I know you can’t be a part of anything like that.”

“She is a fraud and actually I can,” Jalena says. “It’s just that no one can know.”

“Too easy,” I say and act like I’m zipping my lips.

“I already know a way to knock her down a notch or two,” Jalena says in a conspiratorial tone that I like. “Lenore runs Caboose—you know that, right?” I nod to indicate that I do. “Well, that’s just one more reason she makes me sick, because that organization does a lot of good things for underprivileged kids, and it deserves to have better leadership than what it’s got.” I point at her. “No! That ain’t me! That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just like to volunteer and help out and stuff. What I’m saying is that there are a lot of respectable people in that organization, and dang near any of ’em would make a better chairman than her.”

“So what do you have in mind?” I ask.

“Well, she’s never going to step down, so what we need to do is take her down.”

“Can we do that?” I ask, getting excited.

“I think so,” Jalena says with a devilish grin. “And if you’re serious about this, we need to get a move on, because our annual fund-raiser, the Caboose Charity Ball, is weekend after next, and I can’t think of a better time to jerk her off that high horse.”

“I am so serious about this,” I tell her as my brain goes into overdrive. “Who can go to that fund-raiser thing?”

“Anyone who buys a ticket,” Jalena says. “Why? Do you have someone in mind? I mean, besides you?”

“I have a few people in mind. Some friends of mine from Bugtussle,” I say and tell her all about Gloria Peacock and Birdie Ross. “They’re some feisty little old ladies and they love me like family, so when I tell them what’s going on, I’m almost sure they’ll come down.”

“They sound really cool, but what would they do?”

“Just rub Lenore and Sylvie the wrong way like they’ve been doing to me for the past month.” I look at her. “Gloria Peacock has the money and Birdie Ross has the mouth.”

“Got it,” Jalena says. “All right, so let me tell you what I’ve got on my mind, and then we can come up with a way to use it.”

“Okay,” I say, and I’m so excited to be up to no good with Jalena.

“The people who fund Charity Caboose are seated at the annual fund-raising gala according their contribution category, which doesn’t make the most sense when you think about how secretive they are about who gives what. I mean, they don’t want anyone to know
exactly
how much a person or an organization gives, but it’s okay to publicize
about
how much. Whatever. Anyway, they do it by stars. Like, the five-star people donate the really big money: over ten thousand a year. Four-stars give five to ten thousand, three-stars give one to five, and two-stars give less than a thousand.”

“Wow! Those are some high-dollar categories!”

“Well, there are some high-dollar people around here, if you haven’t noticed,” she says. “Like Avery’s dad, Dr. Cambre. He’s a five-star and so are most of his friends.”

“Wow.”

“Tia is a four-star.”

“Seriously?”

“Tia makes a
lot
of money,” Jalena says.

“Well, she works hard enough, so I’m glad to hear it,” I say. “So is there a one-star?” I ask, thinking that would be the category I’d fit into with all the money I haven’t been making at my fancy new art gallery.

“One-stars just donate their time,” she says. “Like me, because I don’t have a lot of money.”

“That’s so sweet,” I tell her and decide that I’m going to start donating some of my time and maybe some of Mason’s money to Caboose Charity. Right after we get rid of Lenore Kennashaw.

“Yeah, well, like I said, it’s a great cause,” she says, waving off my praise. “Anyway, since Lenore got herself elected chairwoman a few years back, she’s been seating herself at the five-star tables, and I know for a fact that she only gives five hundred dollars a year, which is the minimum required to be eligible for election to the board.”

“How do you know that?” I ask.

“Tia didn’t tell you about me sneaking into the office and having a look at the financial records?”

“No.”

“She said she did,” Jalena says, giving me a funny look.

“Okay, yeah, she did,” I say. “She told me about that the first time we had lunch, which was the day after my grand opening, when I had the displeasure of meeting Lenore for the first time.” My cheeks are burning from embarrassment. “I just didn’t want to rat her out.”

“She told me she felt like she could trust you,” Jalena says, smiling. “I guess she was right.”

“I’m a vault,” I say, thinking Tia can trust me all day long with a secret but better not give me thirty seconds unattended with her boyfriend or whatever he is.

Jalena says, “I can get in there and get those copies she told you about. Caboose has to keep meticulous records, but they don’t have any kind of security system because no money is ever left in the office and all you have to do is slip a credit card in the crack of the door and it’s open.” I raise my eyebrows and look at her. “Don’t even ask, okay? Let’s just say I was on a date with a guy and was feeling a little adventurous and there’s a nice view from the roof.” Her phone beeps and she looks down. “Speaking of, it looks like I might get to see Luke tonight.”

“Who is Luke again?” I ask because I can’t keep her men straight.

“He’s the one I went out with last Friday night.”

“Gotcha,” I say. “You get on about your business, and we’ll finish planning this tomorrow night.”

“Girl, Luke can wait a minute,” she says, moving her thumbs across her phone at the speed of light. “Don’t need him thinking I’m too excited about seeing him, even though I really am.” She giggles and then looks up at me. “Plus we’ve got to get this plan together ASAP!”

“Hold on,” I say. I jump up and go to the study, where I dig a notebook out of the desk cabinet. I grab a pencil, a pen, and a highlighter and go back to the living room.

“You are too prepared,” Jalena says as I flip open the notebook.

“Teacher habits,” I tell her. “They stay with you. Now, tell me all about this fund-raising event.”

“Let’s see, it’s a black-tie affair with a catered buffet table and a full bar that serves drinks weak as well water. I told you about the stars and how that determines who sits where, and that’s a big-time status thing because the charity ball is pretty much the social event of the year—here in the Cove, anyway—and then there’s an auction of things people donated—”

“Uh, I’d like to say that I’ll have three paintings in that auction.”

“Oh, so you won’t have to buy a ticket then, because they gave you one when you made the donation, right?” She looks at me. “Wrong?”

“Wrong,” I tell her. “They didn’t give me a ticket.”

“What about when they picked the stuff up?”

“Kevin Jacobs picked it up,” I say and blush despite my best effort not to. Jalena notices but doesn’t say a word. “That was the first time I met him,” I say, looking at the floor.

She looks at me for what seems like ten hours.

“What?” I say, finally.

“Nothing,” she says, smiling.

“Moving on,” I say. “Was I supposed to get a ticket?”

She’s still looking at me funny. “I’ll make sure you get your ticket and one for Mason, too,” she says, finally. “We have a meeting scheduled for Monday night, so I’ll pick those up then.” She starts talking about the fund-raiser again, and my ears perk up when she mentions a program brochure. I ask her to elaborate on the program, and she says that the first half is all pictures and articles about what Caboose has accomplished since the previous charity ball. “There are a few pages of advertisements, and then, in the very back, all of the benefactors are listed according to their ‘star’ ranking.” She looks at me. “Again, that’s a major status thing because only the biggest of the big shots can afford that five-star ranking. At first Frank and Lenore just
sat
with the big shots, which was plenty pathetic enough, but last year when Kennashaw Home and Garden was actually
listed
in the program as a five-star patron, that’s when I decided to do some investigating.”

“With your man friend?”

“No, I did that by myself after I found out how easy it was to get in.” She looks at me. “What I would love to do is get Lenore in the right category.”

“Have the programs already been printed?”

“I’m sure,” she says. “Why?”

“Do you know if the programs are in the same building with the records?”

“I’m sure they are.” She narrows her eyes. “What’s on your mind?”

“Maybe we should add a little announcement to the program,” I say. “Something small, stuck in the middle, that would fall out when someone flipped through it. Like those magazine subscription cards.”

“Saying what?”

“You said Kennashaw Home and Garden gets the five-star treatment, but it’s only a two-star contributor, right?” She nods. “Well, then, I think we should add a correction. Along with the amount that they actually donate.”

“It would take forever to do that,” Jalena protests. “There’ll be like five hundred programs and then the first person who saw one would take it straight to Lenore and then nobody would get another program until they checked each and every individual program.”