Half In Love With Death (23 page)

“I'm so sorry for your loss,” I murmured.

“Thank you, darling.” Her eyes were still on me, the look in them not recognition, but something else that made me uneasy. “Come here,” she said.

Billy raised his eyebrows as I edged over to the counter. When I was standing across from her she reached out and touched the pendant. “Geraldine had a necklace just like this.” The touch of her fingers on my neck was like ice. I could see the worm-like veins on the back of her hand. She was staring at it intensely, almost as if she thought it was Geraldine's, but it wasn't possible.

“It was a gift.” My voice shook.

She let it go. “You're a pretty girl like my Geraldine.” She went on, “Everywhere I look, I see things that remind me of her.”

“I'm really sorry,” I mumbled, almost tripping as I stepped back, my thoughts going a thousand miles a minute. This didn't make sense. Tony couldn't have gotten the necklace from Geraldine. He'd gotten it from his mother.

One of the waitresses came over. “Is everything all right here?”

Geraldine's mom said, “As all right as it can ever be.” I hesitated, her eyes pulling me into their black whirlpools of sorrow.

“Galvin,” Billy called out in an exasperated voice. He was standing by the door. I ran towards him as if for dear life.

• • •

I got into Billy's mom's car like someone in a trance. Though it was light and delicate, the pendant rested heavily on my neck. Outside the car window, everything looked the same—the same sun, same green yards, same whirling sprinklers—but nothing was the same. From now on every shadow could twist into a snake; every sparkle could become a stolen jewel; every beautiful white shoe could belong to someone who'd died.

When we got to Billy's, his mom went in their house, but he stayed outside with me.

“Are you okay?” he asked. I couldn't speak. He had no idea. Something was unbearably wrong. If this was Geraldine's necklace then Tony was lying, and I had no idea what else he'd lied about. But to doubt what I felt for him was to doubt the most important thing I'd ever known. It was as if someone had told me the sky was green, not blue.

Billy moved closer to me. “I hope that lady in the restaurant didn't creep you out too much.”

“She did, a little.” I forced a smile.

“I've been thinking,” he said. I looked up at him. “About that time Tony almost drove me off the road.”

“I'm sure he didn't mean to do it. It was dark. He must not have seen you.” I bit my lip so hard it hurt. “I've got to go,” I said.

“Not yet.” He touched my arm. “I don't know what he told you, but the more I think about it, the more I'm sure it was Jess with him in the car that night.”

I flipped my hair over my shoulder. “She forgot something. He was driving her to his house to get it.”

“But then why was she screaming?”

“She was mad at him because of Edie, that's all.” I glanced away, wishing I could tell Billy what she was really upset about, but I couldn't.

“That's what he told you. You don't know that it's true.”

I turned back to him, trying to ignore the panic roaring through me. “Not everything is a lie,” I said, though at that moment even the ground beneath my feet felt like one. I wished he'd go already but he remained stubbornly beside me.

“You don't have to rely on Tony to help you find Jess. I can help you.” There was something sweet about his offer, but he had no idea how wrong he was. Tony and I were the only ones who could find my sister.

“I don't need your help.” I stared at him. His tan blurred his freckles together, and he'd grown even taller and more handsome since the start of the summer. I wished I could listen to him and like him the way I used to, but I couldn't. “Why don't you go talk to May?”

“Caroline,” he said, “this is about you, not her. I'm worried about you.”

“Why?”

He squinted up at the sky. “Moose told me something.”

“Moose? Since when are you talking to Moose?”

“Since I went undercover. He said you're going to California with Tony on Friday, and he told me to warn you not to go.”

I glared at him. “He's lying.”

“Is he?”

“Jesus Christ, Moose is a criminal. Didn't you know that? For all I know, he's the one who killed Geraldine.”

Billy dug his hands into his pockets. “Moose isn't the criminal. Tony is.”

Though it was warm out, I was cold all over. I almost couldn't feel my body. It was as if I wasn't even there, or anywhere. I reached up and touched the necklace. “There are things I know that I can't tell you about, but by next week you'll understand. Everyone will.”

His eyes searched mine. “You're going, aren't you?”

“Please, Billy.” I was angry with myself for giving away too much. “Don't tell anyone or you'll ruin everything.”

He stood there a moment and then headed toward his house.

• • •

In my room I put the necklace back in the box, and resolved never to wear it again. I tried to convince myself that Tony had merely exaggerated its value. It was probably neither unusual nor precious. I remembered him saying, “Lots of girls have white shoes.” Maybe lots of girls had blue flower necklaces, too. I couldn't really make myself believe that, but I had no choice. Jess was in Redondo, and we had to get there as soon as possible. No matter what turned out to be true, I couldn't back out now. I had to save her.

I sank down on my bed and held my hand over my heart. It was pushing against my ribs, like it was being squeezed. I worried I might be having a heart attack. Young people in perfect health sometimes simply dropped dead. Perhaps my fate was to die tragically, my love for Tony forever unfulfilled. I thought of the rain falling the night before, the two of us alone in the desert, the warmth of his cheek against mine. I reached for the box and touched the smooth glass pendant one last time. It was cool, as if there was a little bit of rain trapped in it.

If this was Geraldine's necklace, why on earth would Tony have given it to me? Maybe she'd left it in his house, and he didn't know it belonged to her. But then why had he lied to me about it being from his mother? I thought of the pain I'd seen in his eyes, the pain he didn't want me to see. Like all of us, he was just a little broken. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling like I was broken. Only one thing was certain: I couldn't let my doubts unravel everything when we were so close to finding Jess.

Reluctantly, I began to pack my canvas bag. It felt strange doing this without Mom looking over my shoulder and reminding me of embarrassing things like bringing enough underwear. I tried again to picture what I wanted to happen, us sitting around a bamboo table, the sea churning far below, Jess twirling the tiny umbrella from her drink, and Tony with his hand on the back of my chair, touching me ever so lightly. I was hiding my bag under the bed when the phone rang.

I picked it up. It was him.

As soon as he said, “Hello,” it was as if a wind had blown all my worries away.

“Did you see what happened at the school?”

I told him I had and he said, “You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think someday those guys are gonna kill me.”

His words sent an ache through me. “Don't say that.”

He paused. “You have fun with lover-boy today?”

“Billy's mom just gave me a ride home.”

“You still like him?”

“Who?”

“Billy.”

“You know I don't.” I wound a pink thread from my bedspread around my finger.

“So are we still on for Friday?”

I told him yes. What else could I say? He would pick me up at “our spot” at the end of the street on Friday night at seven. I'd tell my mom that I was going to sleep over at Sheila's house. Tony and I would leave Arizona behind in a wake of dust.

Finally it was Friday. After school, I sat in the kitchen eating an apple. Mom sat down next to me. She fidgeted with a napkin and smiled oddly as if she knew something was up. I hoped she wasn't going to say I couldn't go to the sleepover. I'd made sure to tell her ahead of time so there was no chance my plans with Tony would fall apart.

As I took a bite she said, “I saw the photo of Jess you left on her bureau.”

A wave of panic went through me. Had she figured out I was going to California? “Mom,” I said, “you're not supposed to go through my private stuff.”

She clasped her hands in front of her on the table. “Sorry, honey. I was just tidying up.” I put down my apple. “You don't have to be embarrassed. I understand how it might make you feel better to look at pictures of Jess. It makes me feel better, too.”

She smiled sadly in her silky gray dress. A wide silver belt cinched her waist. Though no one was around except for Dicky and me, she was wearing perfume. I felt sorry for her because she was the sort of person who got dressed up every day for something special that never happened. I wasn't going to be that sort of person. I was done waiting. Whatever happened, at least I would know that I'd tried.

As she rearranged some metal canisters that were already neatly arranged, I wished I could tell her about California, about Tony, and ask her about love, and whether I was doing the right thing, and all those other things that always froze on my lips whenever she turned to me, but all I said was, “You look pretty.”

She smiled. “Your dad and I are going to the Beckhams' for dinner tonight.”

I stared at her. “But you said I could go to the sleepover.”

“Don't worry. We're bringing Dicky so you don't have to babysit, unless you want to.”

“Not really.” I crunched into my apple. Thank God I'd said the sleepover was at Sheila's house and not May's.

“I didn't think you would.” She fixed her eyes on me. “It's okay for you to have some fun sometimes. You know that, don't you?”

“I know, Mom,” I said.

She ran her finger along a shiny metal canister. I was glad she and Dad were going out. It had been a while since they'd done anything together. When I brought Jess home, they might even fall back in love. I guess I'd known for some time that they weren't in love anymore. It was nothing anyone said, just something I knew, the way you know a storm is coming, or snow.

• • •

They left before I did and that was perfect, because I didn't have to worry about Mom asking too many questions. I put on jeans and a shirt the color of California sunshine. I wanted to smash the pendant, but I left it in its little box, the blue glass flower sleeping on the cotton batting. If Tony really loved me, he would explain his lie. Until then, I had to push my doubts aside and concentrate on finding my sister.

As I put on my makeup, I thought back to the night when Jess had climbed out the window, and remembered her saying, “Would you,” in that breathy impatient voice of hers. She would want me to find her. She would not want me to give up.

I brushed on some peach blush, and once again felt Tony's light touch on my cheek, the memory more unsettling than reassuring. I tried to steady my nerves as I dragged my canvas bag from under my bed and packed a few more things. When I was almost done, I went over to the closet to get the shoe. While she was tidying, Mom had lined all of our shoes up against the back wall. The thought of her going through my things was a little annoying. I looked around, but I couldn't find it. It had to be there. I tossed things around frantically, but I didn't see it.

I pulled a chair over and looked on the top shelf above the rod with the hangers. There were old report cards, board games like Sorry! and Parcheesi, but no shoe. I glanced at my watch. It was almost time to go. I was practically hyperventilating as I wondered how I was going to explain this to Tony. Maybe I'd tell him my mom had thrown it away. He wouldn't want to hear that, but if I waited much longer I might be late. As I was rushing around, I almost tripped over a laundry basket Mom had left in the middle of the room. She'd filled it with my clothes and some of Jess's. It was so odd, but also typical of Mom to decide to do Jess's laundry now. I pictured her going through Jess's things, staring at each item a little too long. As I glanced over at her bed one last time, I felt a catch in my throat. Mr. Rabbit was gone. Mom must have put him back in Dicky's room.

When I opened the front door Linda was dropping May and Sheila off at Billy's. I was relieved that they went inside without noticing me. I locked the house up as I'd promised Mom I would, and shoved my ruby-slipper keychain into my purse. As I stood waiting on the sidewalk, my bag was heavy, even without the shoe.

• • •

When Tony pulled up, he got out of the car and held the door for me. I put my bag on the floor. He slid in next to me, his sweaty arm pressed against mine. He was wearing a white sleeveless undershirt. The red bandana tied around his head made him look like a pirate. He smiled. We sat for a moment, thinking of the road ahead. Then he drew me close and kissed me, his breath tainted with the sweet, sick smell of whiskey. I pulled away.

“What's wrong?” he said.

I touched my throat, thinking of the necklace, wishing he'd explain. “Nothing.”

He jutted out his lower lip. “I'm sorry for having a drink. It's just the thought of seeing your sister again scares me.”

I knotted my fingers together. “It scares me, too.”

His arm brushed up against me as he reached into the glove compartment. “I've got something that will make you happy.”

“What?” I didn't want another gift.

He handed me a postcard. “This came yesterday. I thought you'd want to see it.”

I took it from him. It had a picture of Schwab's Pharmacy on the front like the one Jess had left on the bureau, only there was a big difference. She'd written something on this one. He switched on the dome light. I could barely make out her tiny writing as I read: