Guarded Hearts (13 page)

“We must stop, we can’t do this here. I just couldn’t resist you,” he says as he starts to pull away from me, kissing me softly this time. I can only nod in agreement. I adjust my costume and hair. We make our way back towards the crowd and I greet and thank people for coming.

As I stand there, I still feel the warmth of his kisses lingering on my lips. I run my finger along my lower lip and realize this could’ve gone much further. I have to tell Nix the truth about myself before he expects more from me. That’s if I can stop myself before it happens.

I see him returning with a red cup and I’m guessing it’s my drink. I still haven’t even told him I actually don’t drink. “What do you have there?” I ask, knowing now is a good of a time as any to explain things to him.

“It’s the witches brew. Sorry, baby, there’s no Po!son Apple here,” he says jokingly, handing me the cup. I take the cup and notice his bottle of water.

“I would much rather have that,” I say, pointing to his bottled water. He looks at it with a confused look and hands it over, but doesn’t ask any questions.

“Nix, go outside with me?” It is hard to explain things inside with all the people and loud music. I need to do this outside where he can hear me and no one else can; I still have a reputation to uphold.

“Baby, you okay?” he asks, concerned.

“Yes, I just want to tell you something. I think you should know something about me.”

“Okay,” he says with worry in his eyes.

“It’s nothing bad. In fact, you’ll probably love it. It’s just that no one knows, so please promise not to say anything to anyone about it. I have a reputation to uphold as S.O.S. President, and being a popular girl, I just don’t think this would fit right if people knew the truth.”

“Okay, promise.”

“I don’t drink.”

“What?” he asks, confused. “I don’t get it, I always see you drinking at the club. And what about that night I took you home from the fraternity house? You were drinking, I saw you,” he accuses.

“I know. I let people assume I’m drinking, but I’m not. At the club, when I order a drink, Mandy knows to hold the alcohol. She makes them virgins for me. When I’m at a party and someone gives me a drink, I’ll hold on to that same drink all night and pretend to sip it, and then when I get a chance I throw it out, but I never drink it.”

“Why?”

“Drinking impairs your judgment, and too many things can go wrong. I have seen people I love do stupid things when they’re drunk, and I’m sure they have their regrets once the alcohol is out of their system. I just don’t want to be that person who wakes up regretting everyday of their life.” I am talking about my mother. I just wasn’t ready to share that part of my life with him yet.

“Why didn’t Mandy ever say anything?”

“Say what?” Mandy says, walking up to us. She’s unrecognizable in her cat costume.

“I was just saying, that you never mentioned that Olivia doesn’t drink.”

“Well, it’s not my story to tell. I didn’t think it was any of your business what my friends does or doesn’t do. Besides, I knew she would tell you when she was ready. I’m heading back inside to enjoy this party. I just came out to let you know I was here already. See you two love birds later.” We both watch her walk back inside to the party. He slowly turns to me, he looks gorgeous tonight.

“I’m sorry,” he says looking right into my eyes.

“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“For walking out on you at Blends.”

“That was partially my fault. I was trying to pretend to be someone I thought you wanted me to be.”

“Livi, I like you for who you are. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.”

“Once again you’re forgiven,” I joke, giving him a kiss on his cheek. “Now let’s go inside. It’s getting cold out here.”

We head back inside. Everyone is dancing and having a good time. I feel a sense of relief that the party is going as planned. The night seems to be going by in a blur and is starting to wind down when I hear a commotion coming from the bathroom. It sounds like Mandy yelling, but it’s muffled. My heart skips a beat, because I know that she would never yell unless she was in trouble. I head towards the sound and begin pounding on the door, yelling for Mandy. Nix is right behind me, and I hear him yelling over me when he suddenly pushes through the door. I see Mandy up on the bathroom sink, with Tom between her legs, the top of her costume is pulled down towards her waist Mandy is trying to push him away, but Nix lunges at Tom, pulling off him of Mandy.

“What the hell?” Tom says, a little unsteady on his feet as he steps away from Nix.

“Man, right now I’m about to kick your sorry ass,” Nix replies angrily.

“What the fuck are you doing to Mandy, you asshole?” I scream.

“What? Me? She wanted this, she’s the one who brought me in here, and then she started yelling. I told her not to, that I was just giving her what she wanted. So what the hell is your fucking problem?”

I turn to look at Mandy who looks drunk. I don’t even know what to say to her right now. “Mandy?” We all turn to look at her just to confirm.

“We were just messing around. I don’t even know why I screamed. Sorry I scared you guys,” she apologizes, adjusting her top. She steps off the counter, but loses her balance. Nix catches her before she falls.

“No more drinking, you had enough tonight,” he states firmly.

“Okay, okay. I’m already going to regret it tomorrow.” She walks out of the bathroom, unsteady on her feet.

“You,” I say, pointing to Tom. “Go home. You both have had enough tonight. I will call the DD service to pick you up.”

“Fine,” he says, walking out towards what’s left of the party.

Looking around, I right some of the fixtures that have been knocked over, and pick up some cups that are left around. I have a cleaning crew coming in the morning, so there is no sense in cleaning. I just wanted to pick up some things off the floor, and Nix is making sure that everyone who is drunk has a sober ride home. That makes me realize that I haven’t seen Mandy around. Huh. I make my way to the front of the house to ask Nix.

“Hey, Olivia, awesome party. I’m about to get my treat, if you know what I mean.” Heather smirks, giving me a wink.

Oh boy
, I think to myself.

“Oh, and by the way, Mandy is out cold on my bed. I think she took a wrong turn upstairs. But no worries, I’m staying over at John’s tonight,” she says, heading out the door with her boyfriend.

I turn back to find Nix leading a couple out the door into the DD car. I smile to myself. This man takes my breath away every time, he’s so beautiful. He walks back in and spots me standing there, so he walks over, placing a kiss on my forehead and wraps his arms around me. I place my head on his chest, and I hear his heart beating. It feels so good being here in this moment. I don’t want the night to end. I take him by the hand and lead him upstairs to my room. My heart is pounding, but I’m craving more of his touch. I want his lips on mine, his body close to me, and the sound of his heart beating to be the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.

We walk into my dark room that is only lit by the moon that’s peeking through the window. I shut the door behind me. I feel his hands on my hips, pulling me towards him.

“You drive me crazy,” he growls, looking right at me, moving his hands towards my face. He pulls until our foreheads touch. I close my eyes, taking in the feeling that has my stomach in knots, but at the same time my heart is pounding hard.

Then I feel his soft lips on mine. He slips his tongue into my mouth, and our tongues move in sync to each other. I can feel myself move into him as he is kissing me I can’t seem to be close enough; I want to be closer. He grabs a hold of my ass, lifting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, feeling his hardness in the spot that is aching for him. My body is betraying me. I don’t know if I can go through with this, but right now it feels right, it feels so damn good. He places me back on my feet, kissing down my neck, and firmly stroking me between my thighs with his palm, giving me a squeeze with every stroke. He presses himself into me and I grab a hold of his hardness.

I pull off his jacket and begin to unbuckle his jeans. I run my hands up his chest and down his arms, but suddenly he tenses, pulling away. Wait, what? Why is he pulling away from me? Does he not want me?

He begins to buckle his jeans. I stand there watching, but can’t manage to say anything.

“Olivia, we can’t do this,” he says, moving closer to me and grabbing a hold of my face with both hands. I can’t manage to look at him. I can feel the tears building, and I’m feeling unwanted.

“Look at me,” he demands just as a tear falls. He wipes it away with his thumb, and I raise my eyes to meet his.

“Let me explain,” he says, placing a kiss on my lips. “It’s just that I haven’t been with anyone for a long time. I want this, please don’t think I don’t. I do.”

He pulls away from me again, so that he can pull off his shirt. I can see his tattoos, and he grabs my hand and brings it to his arm.

“Feel this,” he tells me, running my hand down his arm. All I see are his tattoos, but I feel small bumps where the tattoos are inked.

“Are these scars from the accident?” I ask, looking into his eyes.

“Yes, these are my scars, my daily reminder of what I can’t be, of who I need to be, and of what I lost that night. These scars are healed, but the one that hasn’t healed is my heart. Some say time heals all wounds, but not this one,” he says placing my hand over his heart. “I have carried this for a long time and the wound has remained wide open. I don’t think I can ever heal from this. It has scarred me more deeply than these superficial scars.”

“Is this the reason why you always wear long sleeve shirts?”

“Yeah, it’s hard to look at them.”

“They’re beautiful. They have made you who you are.” I lean to kiss him on his lips and wrap my arms around him. We walk over to my bed, and he helps me undress, leaving only my bra and panties on as we slip under the covers. Tonight isn’t going to be about getting hot and heavy; it’s about us finding comfort in each other’s arms. I turn to my side as he moves in behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. We don’t say another word, and all I can hear is his heart beating against my ear as I drift off to sleep.

S
ince things became official between Nix and I, it seems that we never have time to spend together between our classes, his job, and my responsibilities as President of S.O.S. Our alone time is comprised of stolen moments that we don’t waste by talking; moments that have left me so frustrated, as well as awakening my body to sensations that have never been felt before.

My heart wants Nix now, but my brain keeps going back to all the things I heard and saw living with my mother. I know that there are lots of things that can prevent teenage pregnancy, besides abstinence. I mean, I might not be having wild one night stands, but the girls here do talk a lot about everything. They take TMI to a whole new level. So in that aspect I think I’m covered and that shouldn’t be a factor in my virginity anymore, but the emotions, the significance that my heart might place on this event. I mean he will be my first, and that scares me.

Everything about Nix overwhelms me. In the short period of time that we have been together he has thrown all my rules and self-discipline out the window. It’s like my life just started because he is in it now. This obsession, this addiction that I feel with every kiss, every caress that he gives binds me more to him. And I can’t have that. I can’t fall into the empty abyss of love with someone that I just met. It goes against everything that I have come to know. But they say the mighty do fall. I think I have fallen smack on my face on the concrete floor. I didn’t even stick out my hands to break the fall. That this boy is going to make me ugly cry and I will not do anything to stop it.